STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

ico · Dooney & Bourke

that's a new one...

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

It sounds like he needs a friend. But I'm not sure that it has to be you. You don't owe him anything. And the fact that you dont' want to talk to him and feel tired when you think about it seems like he's trying to take more than you can give. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving yourself a break.

Would it be possible to do something like tell him "This is such an important life decision that I feel awkward trying to advise you. I'm happy to listen to you if you just need to get some stuff off your chest. I value your friendship. I care about you and I want you to be happy whatever you decide..." Of course, only if all of the above are actually true. If it's not true, then I don't think there's anything wrong with just not talking to him about this.

Also, is there a chance he called you because he wants you to talk him into dumping her? (It seems odd to pick an exgirlfriend who still has a thing for you to confide something like this...) If so, he's expecting way too much. And anyway, whatever you say or do can only come back to bite you later. Do you want to be the exgirlfriend who talked him out of marrying someone who he will later immortalize as 'the one..." and whine about in bars forever (obviously you were just jealous). or the exgirlfriend who talked him into marrying a woman who left him with her student loan debt after two years of a bad marriage? (you just think every guy should be married) There are a lot of scenarios, and none of them look too good for the exgirlfriend who gave advice...

crystal · Kate Spade

i agree w/ dizzy that no matter what u say u'll end up the bad guy. i say tell him u do not think of urself as the best person to advise on this matter. tell him it's not that u don't care, but u feel there is conflict of interest and that it would be inappropriate for him to ask and for u to give advice.

blubirde · Chanel

There are some people out there who know you better than anyone else in the world and vice versa. And no matter what each of you go through, separately or together, you always have each other's back. Are you those people for each other? If not, it's not your responsibility to provide the kind of emotional support he's looking for. It's not only not your responsibility, it's probably better that you don't because the kind of counsel he's looking for should only come from a friend described above.

If you're uncomfortable, be honest and let him know. You don't have to go through the emotional ringer for him anymore. And don't worry about him being alone. You're not his support system anymore so that's not your burden to shoulder.

I hope you feel better!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

that is a new one. but i think it gets the same old answer: you just can't be friends w/ a guy you have romantic feelings for, it'll make your heart and head hurt. so it sucks that he's going through this situation but there's really nothing you can or should do about it. if he calls you again wish him the best of luck w/ everything and get off the phone.

btw, he's an idiot for letting you go in the first place :)

ico · Dooney & Bourke

Thanks girls!

Bluebirde, you got me thinking. I think the situation is like you describe. He is the first person I call when I have a big problem. And clearly he's doing the same. May be that's why I don't feel like leaving him alone, b/c he always comes up with some solutions for me...

My point is, I am pretty sure he already made up his mind and knows what to do. He wants me to tell him to do what he has already decided to do, even if he doesn't realize it. But if I do, I'll be "responsible" for whatever happens between the 2, and I really don't have the "strength" for this.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i was in a similar situation. i am very happy and in love with my bf now, he is the greatest guy. but everytime that my ex called i got all sad, eventhough i moved to be with my bf and i love my bf more than anything. he is the one that i have a real future with. it was so bad that when my ex called me and asked about a girl situation, i had a panic attack, stopped eating for a week, and bought a plane ticket to see him, etc...(loooooooooooooooooooooong story, but on my defense, it was that time of the month). anyways, i realized that i can't handle the middle ground. with him it was all or nothing. the friend thing was too hard. and not fair to my current bf. i still care about him and it hurts sometimes to think about what we had, but in the end, i know what i really have and really need...i think you need to CUT IT OFF. it sucks, but you can't be a good friend because you are inevitably going to be bias. i really really feel for you. i have been there and it blows.

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: ico
"Thanks girls!
Bluebirde, you got me thinking. I think the situation is like you describe. He is the first person I call when I have a big problem. And clearly he's doing the same. May be that's why I don't feel like leaving him alone, b/c he always comes up with some solutions for me...
My point is, I am pretty sure he already made up his mind and knows what to do. He wants me to tell him to do what he has already decided to do, even if he doesn't realize it. But if I do, I'll be "responsible" for whatever happens between the 2, and I really don't have the "strength" for this.

"

In that case, maybe you should tell him that you can't tell him what to do because it's too big a life decision but that you'll support him in whatever he chooses to do. That way you're still there for him but you don't have any of the responsibility for what decision he makes.

Don't take on more than you can handle, girl. You're emotional well-being is what's most important!

ico · Dooney & Bourke

Thanks again.

I think I'll listen to him when he wants to vent but tell him that I can't tell him what to do. Yesterday I was feeling to sorry for him that I was about to invite him here for a few days, to change environment and think. But it doesn't seem such a good idea today.

Hey, bluebirde: may I should follow the advise of you signature line? yesterday I felt like I needed a shot (or 2) of Tequila...

lynnie · Chanel

another question- do you think you two would ever get back together? is he serious about the girl he's dating? what does he think he's going to do? would you date him again? Even when my bf broke up with me, he still cared about me and asked me to help him with decisions and such. It's hard for the guy to just be friends too. But neither of us was seeing anyone else. We ended up getting back together.

ico · Dooney & Bourke

quote:
Originally posted by: lynnie
"another question- do you think you two would ever get back together? is he serious about the girl he's dating? what does he think he's going to do? would you date him again? Even when my bf broke up with me, he still cared about me and asked me to help him with decisions and such. It's hard for the guy to just be friends too. But neither of us was seeing anyone else. We ended up getting back together."

oh, no, never. I know I said I never got over him, but the relationship we had was so tiring, it sucked all my energy and love of life. Really, even after moving fromte city, it took me about 1 year to eel better...

Besides, he keeps saying that he is against marriage and he doesn't think he's ever going to get married, it's another trouble he just doesn't need...

lynnie · Chanel

in that case, I think you should just tell him that you can't help him right now. It is too hard for you. Just be honest. It's really not your problem, and he sounds like he causes more pain than good things.

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: ico
"
Hey, bluebirde: may I should follow the advise of you signature line? yesterday I felt like I needed a shot (or 2) of Tequila..."

Baudelaire knows his stuff doesn't he? It's the best advice I've ever heard! I try to follow it as closely as possible, as often as possible.