STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

Are the doctors in? (long)

Lola · Dooney & Bourke

I have never been in this situation...but I would just say try it out! You haven't tried to be someones exclusive "girlfriend" in a while (it seems) maybe you'll actually like it...?

also, it seems like things are kind of a whirlwind right now. You've had a crazy weekend. You don't have to make this decision right now and he shouldn't expect you too. Try dating just him for a little bit though and see how it goes :) good luck!!!!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

bluebirde sweetie, how about listening to your feelings here? You don't like the labels. You don't like the big picture, so forget about them.

You feel good around him. You like him. It feels good. He's treating you right. You have something that feels right to you, that you are enjoying. Make up your own name for it!

And be happy, because I'm really happy for you!

PS - Believe me, I know how hard it is to do something you're afraid to do. But even if it doesn't work out, the risks you take always turn out to have been worth taking. I think this chance came along right now because you're finally ready to do something you've been afraid to do for a really long time. It's an opportunity. That doesn't mean you have to take it. There will be other opportunities. But hey, the universe is looking out for you...

Hermes

Jeez Louise, girl!

First of all, I knew my husband for 2 months and tried to fix him up with someone else before we were an item, so being friends without expectations first I think can be good thing... For me, it just all the sudden happened - it was like I had been overlooking him the whole time...

I have some questions:

quote:

Originally posted by: blubirde
"Problem #1: His idea of dating is exclusivity, according to him. Okay, I'm a complete and total freak when it comes to any kind of commitment. I lose all rational thought at the word girlfriend. I'm completely terrified of the idea. He knows all this about me and I told him so again last night but still... here I am, having said okay to the dating thing.

Why are you a freak when it comes to commitment? Why are you terrified of being a girlfriend?

quote:

Problem #2: I'm a complete basketcase. I've lost all ability to view my situation from any kind of non-biased view. I feel like I'm viewing my world through a microscope right now - and I hate that feeling. I can't see the big picture and I don't know what to do. I actually, for once in my life, liked the feeling of being a girlfriend (even though it was sorta just pretend) and I know I like J, so why am I such a complete crazy? I don't know. Has anyone ever gone through anything like this before? Am I in the least bit sane for being so afraid of being a "girlfriend"? (I can't tell you how many guys I've dated that have walked away because of my weirdo relationship thing. Or guys I've dropped because they used they called me their girlfriend.) I feel out of control and stupid. I need some woman guidance and experience. Conversely, how do I accept being someone's girlfriend without being so crazy about it? God I hate that word... girlfriend. (shudder)"

I think you need to let go of the desire to be in control. Relax and enjoy this for whatever it is. If it works, it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't. It wont be the end of the world. Let's say it doesn't work out - it would be experience for you for relationships in the future (unless, of course, you plan on being single for the rest of your life.) Let's say it does work out - it could be a wonderful thing. So... I think you need to let go and enjoy...

blubirde · Chanel

Y'all are right, I know!!!

If I freak out this much when I'm just nervous about a boy, imagine what I'll be like when I go skydiving next month!

Detroit, to answer your questions: I don't know why I'm terrified of the word girlfriend. Good answer huh? I just am. I don't like the idea of "belonging" to someone. I'm afraid of losing a little bit of myself. I'm scared I'll hurt the other person. I think it's a control issue. I don't want to let go and trust someone else to catch me, ya know? I'd rather rely on myself to not fall in the first place. It sounds totally silly but there it is.

Dizzy - I'm just going to read and re-read your advice, okay? You're right. I don't like labels (never have - except 12th street, hee!) and I don't understand the big picture. I'm just going to relax and if I'm scared, that's okay. I'll just tread lightly.

Lola - You're right about the whirlwind weekend. It seems I only have whirlwinds. Maybe a little time will put things into more perspective.

I just don't want to mess up, ya know? I don't want to mess up him, or me, or our friendship. It would just be so much easier to go back to being just friends... I'm going to try and fight the urge to fly this time. We'll see how it goes.

jess · Kenneth Cole

Just go with it! You are putting waaay to much thought into what it has to be like as a girlfriend. Stop thinking about the label so much & do what makes you happy & what feels right. You never know, you just may not WANT to date other guys if this one makes you happy & then, OMG, you are being exclusive !! Have fun

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: jess
"Just go with it! You are putting waaay to much thought into what it has to be like as a girlfriend. Stop thinking about the label so much & do what makes you happy & what feels right. You never know, you just may not WANT to date other guys if this one makes you happy & then, OMG, you are being exclusive !! Have fun "

OMG, Jess, you crack me up! But hey, if you can't be afraid of commitment, what can you be?

Mia · Kate Spade

Blubirde, let me chime in and say I think I pretty much completely understand where you're coming from. You've said things before re: commitment and relationships that I've identified with. I am also not eager to be someone's "girlfriend" - not because I have a problem with the word, but with its implications. With my last serious bf (we broke up late last summer) I even had the 'talk' with him - where I told him, OK, we are happy together, but I am just informing you officially that you do not own me nor do I in any way think I am capable of serious, long-term monogamy, not at this point.

I guess what I am trying to say is - don't belittle your honest stance. Most of my friends think I am a freak and they can't wait to walk down the aisle with Mr Right (or Mr Right For Now). You're feeling giddy and happy, which is how you should be feeling (nothing better, really, is there?), but I don't necessarily think there's an inherent conflict between those feelings and your feelings of not wanting to be tied to someone officially, or beholden to them, or responsible for their feelings 100% etc. (aiiieee!!!) It's OK to feel smothered by that prospect AND totally like you're falling for him.

If I have any advice right now, it's go with it. Go with it and take things as they come - wait until you're actually feeling smothered or constrained before saying anything. 'Cause who knows, you may not ever feel it.

And good luck!!

-- Edited by Mia at 00:14, 2005-04-05

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: Mia
"Blubirde, let me chime in and say I think I pretty much completely understand where you're coming from. You've said things before re: commitment and relationships that I've identified with. I am also not eager to be someone's "girlfriend" - not because I have a problem with the word, but with its implications. With my last serious bf (we broke up late last summer) I even had the 'talk' with him - where I told him, OK, we are happy together, but I am just informing you officially that you do not own me nor do I in any way think I am capable of serious, long-term monogamy, not at this point. I guess what I am trying to say is - don't belittle your honest stance. Most of my friends think I am a freak and they can't wait to walk down the aisle with Mr Right (or Mr Right For Now). You're feeling giddy and happy, which is how you should be feeling (nothing better, really, is there?), but I don't necessarily think there's an inherent conflict between those feelings and your feelings of not wanting to be tied to someone officially, or beholden to them, or responsible for their feelings 100% etc. (aiiieee!!!) It's OK to feel smothered by that prospect AND totally like you're falling for him. If I have any advice right now, it's go with it. Go with it and take things as they come - wait until you're actually feeling smothered or constrained before saying anything. 'Cause who knows, you may not ever feel it. And good luck!! -- Edited by Mia at 00:14, 2005-04-05"

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Mia. It's always good to hear you're not alone when it comes to opinions that are outside the mainstream. Luckily, I stuck with my gut and talked to J yesterday and we are NOT doing exclusive. I told him how uncomfortable I was with the concept, at least at this point, and I was more excited by the idea of just seeing where things went than creating unrealistic expectations for me and ultimately for him. We're still sorting things out and for all I know we may end up going back to being friends, and that's okay. Time will answer any questions either of us may have.

I also agree with you that I am in no way capable of serious, long-term monogamy either. At least not now (just like you). Everyone always says I'll change my mind when I meet "the right one." I've been saying I wasn't going to get married since I was 4, so I'm pretty sure I know my own mind. I'm open to the possibility of change (as I get older my ideas and priorities might change), but for now I think the harm to my mental and emotional growth that comes from that kind of relationship outweighs the good. But I'm also willing to accept that I am on the fringe with this opinion and most people don't agree with me. (I think most people are consumed with what society tells them to do and are not aware of their own wants and needs but that's another topic all together!)

Anyway, thanks for the support everyone!

lynnie · Chanel

I agree with not wanting to be smothered but then- do most people want to be smothered? I think that you'll figure it out as you go. Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis aren't married (I don't think) but they have kids and a family together. You don't need labels to be happy with each other, and you can both be free and individual, as long as you're willing to grow together. You just have to meet the right person with a similar mentality.