KATY PERRY: Hey, MIA.
M.I.A.: Hey, Katy. You left out the periods in my name.
KATY: Yeah, they get boring to put in there over and over again.
MIA: Right you are, I'll give you a pass this time. Your dress is very... interesting. It's kind of like an old-movie gown with a giant napkin and some pink plastic edelweiss stapled to your navel.
KATY: Thank you. And you look.... pregnant.
MIA: I am pregnant. I'm due today. Got a problem with that? Is a knuckle sandwich going to be the first sandwich to pass your lips in eight months?
KATY: No, no, it's great and all, but... look, if Violet Beauregard rolled herself out of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and started a fashion line, and Bjork became her main investor, your muumuu would be their first collaboration.
MIA: Oh, this old thing? This is NOTHING.
KATY: Well, yes, that's actually why I came over to talk to you. I need to thank you.
MIA: For what? Is it because you idolize my rap career? Because you can't believe I kept in this baby in time to perform? Because my nail polish makes you hungry for orange Starbursts?
KATY: Not exactly. I came to thank you for deflecting most of the attention off of me.
MIA: How so?
KATY: Like, the second you hit the stage, there was no way my ridiculous performance outfit would be the most-talked-about getup of the night.
MIA: THAT old thing? It's just a bikini top with black transparent fabric and two giant diaper-like patches sewn to some shorts. You act like you've never seen something like that before.
KATY: Uh... right. You make it sound like you just had that thing lying around in your closet.
MIA: Don't YOU?
KATY: Listen, it's admirable that you got out there and performed and stomped around while you were trying NOT to drop the child right there at Staples Center, although there were a few times I thought I could SEE a contraction. And hooray for baby bumps. Really. But you look INSANE, woman. It's like you're hatching.
MIA: This is coming from a girl who was lowered down to the stage in a giant gold banana.
MIA: I mean, seriously. You look like Carmen Miranda. Charo would roll over in her grave.
KATY: CHARO IS NOT DEAD YOU CHEEKY BRITISH INSECT.
MIA: Whatever. We'll have to agree to disagree. You think I looked like some kind of deranged bug, and I think you looked like the part of the "Sledgehammer" video where the fruit makes a salad out of his face. Except without an actual good song playing behind you.
KATY: Indeed. And you looked like a game of Twister taking place at Auntie Em's house in Kansas.
MIA: I don't think I care for you. Put the periods back in my name, please.
KATY: Whatever, fine, anything you want, M.I.A. Go back to keeping your boobs from lactating right out of that thing.
M.I.A.: Go away.
