STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Renee · Kenneth Cole

toxic mother

lsubatgirl · Gucci

I'm sorry you are stressed right now. I've been going through the same thing for months with trying to find a job and everytime I get the rejection letter I have to hear it from my parents (since I live at home) that I should be going to an interview coach blah blah blah. It is hurtful and makes you think that there is something wrong with yourself when parents do this but the key is not letting it get to you. Parents don't always understand how things are and that some things are just stressful and can't be helped (didn't matter how many people I went to for help they couldn't help me with the interviews I was facing).

I've been seeing a counselor for my stress and anxiety and she has some good tips for staying calm and sane. You can make an appointment with your self for some time later in the day when you can think or worry about your problems and by the time that time comes around usually you are over it or forgot about it. You can do the rubber band on your wrist where everytime you stress or worry over something you can pop yourself with it and it will help you forget. You can just cry it all out at once and get over it. You can find something to take your mind off of it. Right now I cook a lot of recipes from FoodNetwork to channel my stress out. It helps because I focus on the recipe and cooking instead of my worries. The key is just trying to figure out the best way to manage your stress.

crystal · Kate Spade

aw, girl, i had a toxic stepmother who was just awful to me! (she left my dad when i was 15 tho) it must be so hard to have to deal w/ that from a parent. i would say see a counselor like lsubatgirl, these kind of things need to be talked about or it could really make u upset. good luck!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

That's stressful, and your mother is out of line. "Shameful"? wth? I'm so sorry. Just tell yourself it's her problem. It's really hard to believe that when it's your family, but like LSU said, practice helps a lot and there are a lot of other ways to react. And um, I know she's your mother, but can you just avoid her when you're stressed out? With sort of a "I love talking to you, it's so hard that all this schoolwork is preventing me from talkign to ANYONE..." That sets some people off (including my mother) but it can be really effective (I learned it from her, after all).

blubirde · Chanel

Ah... the problems of being a member of the culture of mass consumerism. And of having an overbearing, opinionated, bordering on mean mom. Wow. Are you me?

I love my mother but the only way we have any kind of decent relationship is that I cut her off from my personal life. She doesn't know what I do, with whom I do it, etc., etc., etc. If I'm having stress, I don't call her. She won't help - she'll only make it worse. Sometimes she has good intentions but she can't help who she is and the way she reacts to me. (She can help it but won't, so it hardly matters.) That's my solution. After being stunned (and hurt) and haveing gotten quite blindsided by my mother one too many times, I decided the answer was to cut her out of the picture, at least where details are concerned. It sucks sometimes because I'd like to have the kind of relationship where you can discuss boys, sex, career, etc., but it just can't happen with her. But what sucks more is hearing her negative answers and attitude.

As for the shameful buying of clothing - so what!!!! I like pretty things and I like looking nice and I use my wardrobe as a way of expressing my individuality and creativity. So what if I'm buying clothing? And so what if it makes me happy??? Good for me to find something that makes me happy that doesn't have anything to do with destructive relationships, drugs, or alcohol (although technically I do find relief in those also sometimes - who doesn't?). I get so irritated at people who try to judge me or make me feel bad for shopping and knowing designers and enjoying shoes. At least I'm happy and I look good. Screw her. She just knows that will make you feel bad, so she said it. Besides, obviously, as you put it, she's a bit on the toxic side, so who the hell cares if she thinks it's wrong to buy clothes? If she thinks it's wrong, it's probably right.

Good luck! I hope you feel better soon.

-- Edited by blubirde at 15:27, 2005-03-30

bumblebee · Dooney & Bourke

is she always like that, or does it come and go? just wondering if it is related to "the change"--things got much worse with my mother when she was going through that awful-ness.

i can tell you that i definitely relate and i feel for you. my mom and i have a very difficult and stressful relationship--it's taken me a lot of years and a lot of work to get to the point where i understand that she's not going to change, but i can put up some boundaries of my own and not let her get to me.

i guess a quick trick i can offer you is this--"don't go to the hardware store when you need to buy milk." it's a mantra i tell myself. it means that when i am feeling a little down or frustrated or unhappy, and i need loving un-judgmental support, as much as my mother would like to be a person who can provide that, she isn't. so it's not a good idea to call her when i'm in that state. it's not that she doesn't love me (quite the opposite, actually) it's just that it's beyond her capabilities emotionally to show it in a way that i need in that situation. i can get certain things from my mom and there is definitely value in the relationship (like a hardware store), but she doesn't happen to sell milk (unconditional love). it's kind of silly, but it helps me. hth.

ETA--just read blubirde's post--she's totally right about your mom knowing which buttons to push. she's trying to hurt you, and she's your mother so she knows exactly where to go to get it done quickly. if you realize that about it, maybe it will seem less hurtful when she attacks you for liking clothes--it's her defense mechanism. there's always something behind the face value of an attack--it's usually not about what it seems to be about.

-- Edited by bumblebee at 14:30, 2005-03-30