STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kel · Coach

Need Advice (long)

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I dont' have any personal experience with this, but a good friend of mine waited until she was 24, after she'd been living with her boyfriend for more than a year, and within a year of their planned wedding. She said when you're ready, you're ready. And that pretty much anyone should be happy with all the other, um, activities, you can do in the meantime.

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I think your boyfriend is out of line for pressuring you. Nick Lachey waited for Jessica Simpson, right? You're at least worth the same (and I'm sure you're way smarter, bless her little blond heart). And no one's perfect, it doesnt' mean your boyfriend is awful or something. But it seems like it would be hard for you to be in a relationship with someone who can't respect your needs and boundaries.

If the situation "sucks" for you, then he's not living up to his end of the deal. For what it's' worth from someone who uh, hasn't exactly walked in your shoes...

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

Continue to do what your head tells you too. Your heart can mislead you by telling you that making him happy is the right thing. You must make your self proud and happy in a situation like this! Hope that makes sense! :)

crystal · Kate Spade

seems to me that if he really didn't have a problem with it, he wouldn't bring it up because it is disrespectful. there are plenty of guys out there who are waiting til marriage (or love, happiness, etc.) on purpose and not because their gf won't "give it up" so if they can do it so can he & if he can't maybe u should be dating one of them!

poptart · Coach

Don't do ANYTHING that you don't want to do!!!!! Okay, I just had to come out with that right off the bat.

Pep talk over.

Edit - decided my long story had no point.

-- Edited by Lisa at 00:18, 2005-03-29

gypsyfreak · Coach

I agree with everyone's responses. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. Don't let your boyfriend pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or something you're not ready for. He should respect your decision.

blubirde · Chanel

I second everything everyone has been saying. That said, if you don't mind answering, I'm just wondering a few things about you. (I think it's natural for a guy to want to have sex, expect it even, especially if they're in a committed relationship. It is NOT, however, okay for him to pressure you into something you don't want to do.) How old are you? Is there any particular reason you haven't had sex yet? i.e. religious, safety, fear, etc. (all are valid and okay - just curious.) Can you talk to a parent or a friend who knows you both about this? They might be able to give more insight knowing both sides of the story better than we do. Do you ever intend to have sex with this boyfriend? Or with any boyfriend? As opposed to a husband.

I've had friends who waited a long time to have sex. It's weird how it happens sometimes. Sometimes a person doesn't want to have sex for religious reasons, or wants to wait until marriage for romantic reasons, or just plain old isn't in a situation where sex is an option for them until they're older. I've had this same discussion with them (my friends) and some guys are okay with it and willing to wait and some aren't. It's tricky when sex is involved for the first time.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Hey girl,

I think we've talked about this before and I think I still have your email so I'll shoot you one tomorrow if I don't see you on AIM before (I know I still have you on there). I don't mind talking about this subject with you especially since I've been there.

lynnie · Chanel

Bottom line: Don't do anything you don't want to do.

But I think Bluebirde is right with the questions. Is your boyfriend a virgin? Is he considering waiting too? Are you waiting til you are married or simply til you know it feels right? How old are you now? I waited for a while with my bf, but I knew I wasn't waiting for marriage, and he knew that too. It was just until I was ready and I told him that, problem solved, because he knew he would be getting it eventually I knew he was the right guy, so there was no convincing involved. I wanted to sleep with him very badly, but was scared. Do you think maybe this isn't the right guy for you (unless you are waiting for marriage, that is)? I'm sure things will work out if you get to the root of the problem.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

kel, this is a major decision that only you can make and having "known" you for a while now, I know that you are a smart, level headed young woman who knows her own mind. so i am positive you will make the right decision. in the meantime, while you're still figuring things out--don't do anything you can't take back. even when things are getting hot and heavy and you can tell he really wants to and you really want to, just take a moment. sleep on it. if you're sure you're ready, you can do it the next day. sex isn't going anywhere.

also, i'm sure he's not a bad guy at all and doesn't mean to pressure you. and i'm sure it's very hard for him to wait, esp. in his "prime" years (whatever, guys never stop wanting it, imo). so will he whine and complain and act hurt and like he's suffering sooo much because you're not giving it up? probably. does this make him a bad person? no. but it doesn't mean you have to have sex just to put him out of his misery. also, ask yourself this: if you do have sex with him and god forbid you guys break up, will you regret the decision? only you can answer that question. imo, you're worth waiting for and if he gets that then that only makes your relationship stronger.

Kel · Coach

Thanks everyone for you input to answer a couple of questions

I am almost 21 and like i said before we have been in an relationship for a year and half. This issue has just come up recently. I am not nessarily waiting for marriage, and as corny as this sounds, I feel like i will end up marrying my b/f, just because we click. But like I want to but there are a couple of reasons why I am holding back, and my b/f and I talked about all these reasons in a mature fashion. The one thing that I think is holding me back more than anything is the fact is if I do get pregnant (even though my b/f and I have been through all the stats.) I do not want to face the consquences. I am only 20 years old, you know? But like I said we have talked about it in a non-pressuring way, and the fact is I am also very indecisive about things. So it comes to a point where I feel like when will I even know when I am ready?

Esquiress I totally agree with you, I have been thinking about it for a while now, and I do think about it. I do not want to resent him if we break up, and that is another major reason i have been waiting. I mean I know relationships don't last forever, and even though I believe he is the one and we both are planning the future things can change.

I do not know who asked this but they asked if he was a virgin and the answer is no. Which makes the decision even harder. But the thing is I think i have the most problem with myself, not him. He is being supportive, just a pain in the butt sometimes. But it is not like if I said yes we would automatically have sex. We have talked about this, and he said that he would make me wait at least a day to think about it before we actually have sex.

So even though I made my b/f sound like a complete jerk, he is not at all, it is just a difficult situation we are in and we have talked about solutions but of course their is none. It is just hard on the both of us. But it does not mean that I am going to give in, not at all, and he knows this and I know that in the end, he is going to be asking me a million times if i am sure.

lynnie · Chanel

I feel you on the pregnancy thing. I am cautious, but I believe my bf is even more cautious! I am on the pill, plus we use condoms (he insists), plus I sort of family plan too, even though that doesn't really matter if the pill is doing its job. From like the fifth day of my period to the 17th day or so, I am much more nervous. If you are really really worried, perhaps you should get the depo provera shot and use condoms too. My friend got the shot after having a baby too soon- she just didn't like condoms and didn't use any other BC and it resulted in a child- not to worry you. But she had sex every day for a few months without a condom before she got pregnant (asking for it, IMHO.) There's a very small window that you can actually get pregnant, but you have to take into account that you don't always ovulate on time and that sperm can live for 5 days inside of you. Like you said, you've been through the stats. It's a completely valid fear, but with two reliable forms of bc, your chances of getting pregnant are actually very low. As far as knowing if you're sure or not, maybe you'll never know. Not everyone is 100% sure. I know that I was 100% okay with having sex with my bf, even if we broke up later, and I still am, because I think I would be sadder about losing the relationship than about losing my virginity. If you do only want to give it up to one person, than maybe you subconsciously do want to wait for marriage. There is no guarantee when you have sex out of marriage (or even within it sadly) that you will be with that person forever, even if you are in love with them now and may always love them. It is hard- I don't think your bf is a jerk at all. Good luck!

Ritz · Dooney & Bourke

quote:

Originally posted by: Kel
the fact is I am also very indecisive about things. So it comes to a point where I feel like when will I even know when I am ready?

jumping in a little late here, but trust me, you will know.

i'm your age as well, and i wavered over it for years, literally, and then finally i just knew, and it was just the logical next step.

so go with your gut, and try not to worry about it. you will know when it is right.

Mia · Kate Spade

You're not having sex mostly because you're afraid of getting pregnant? That one seems fairly easy to solve - bc and condoms. The stats on pregnancy with *both* of those methods must be super low/negligible.

If that's really the main reason then I say go get yourself some pills and get busy! Sex is a good thing (well, it should be).

That said, I am not sure if there are other things holding you back. Are there?