STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

Disappointed Again- LONG vent

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

sounds like you want to be married more than you want to be married to him in particular. be careful.

Collette · Chanel

Marrying someone because you've invested years in the relationship is not the reason to get married. When I was with my ex I thought the exact same way and I held on waaaayyyyy too long to an unhealthy relationship because I wanted to get married. Thing is, I really didn't even like him much let alone love him enoug to marry. Fastforward 4 years, I left him had fun being single for a bit, met an amazing man and I'll be getting married in October. Thing is if I had married the ex I'd likely be getting divorced about now.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I'm sorry if I offend you, but I think if you are already in counseling and you are only dating.. just think how bad things could be once you are a married couple. When you are just dating, things should never be hard.. they should come easily. It's marriage and families that take work.

You have to ask yourself, Is he worth it? and Are you worth it?

Good luck!

crystal · Kate Spade

ya, i agree w/ the others, dating someone for 2 1/2 yrs should not be the only reason u want to marry them. if ur miserable now it's just going to get worse. good luck!

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: crystal
"ya, i agree w/ the others, dating someone for 2 1/2 yrs should not be the only reason u want to marry them. if ur miserable now it's just going to get worse. good luck!"

I agree. So many people don't want to give up on relationships because of time invested. If you really want to leave, you can't allow yourself to think about that. Just imagine if you get married and 10 yrs from now you still feel the same way.

It also sounds like he doesn't really value you. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you but sometimes it takes a person leaving for the other to realize what they had and that they need to make some changes.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I was in a similar situation with a man who wasn't that into me and a super-close family (who hated me) and some time put into a relationship and the feeling that we could really be happy if we could just get it together.... I married him. It was awful. Now we're divorced. It's awful. If your gut says you're not valued, just leave. Having said that, I know how hard it is. Good luck.

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

I just reread my post and the answer seems so obvious, but it's just so hard to do. I do want to clarify one thing though, I do want to be married, but I do care to who! If he proposed right now, or even in a few months from now, I would definitely say no, because things just aren't stable enough.

It's just so hard because he always flip flops around and apologizes and acts really sincere, but I know that I have to be stronger than yet another apology from him!

I know what you mean Dizzy about just getting it together, but you girls are right, it shouldn't have to be so hard. If it's not together after 2 1/2 years than I need to just face that and accept that more time won't fix that.

We've already broken up once where I moved out, and that is why we are in counseling now. He admitted he was wrong, sent long e-mails and left long messages admitting that he needed help, etc., and begged for another chance and said that he would go to counseling and work on himself. Looking back I should have changed my number!

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: JoceyBaby23
"I'm sorry if I offend you, but I think if you are already in counseling and you are only dating.. just think how bad things could be once you are a married couple. When you are just dating, things should never be hard.. they should come easily. It's marriage and families that take work. You have to ask yourself, Is he worth it? and Are you worth it? Good luck!"

I completely disagree with dating not being hard. There are rough patches in every relationship, be it dating, marriage, friendship, whatever. Having the courage and honesty to go to counseling and admit you need help is not a bad sign.

Having said that, I completely agree with everyone's advice - he doesn't value you and you know he doesn't. Believe it or not, that's the hard part. Actually being able to admit a relationship isn't working anymore is one of the hardest things people can do. And there are a lot of people who don't admit that, even when it's obvious to everyone else.

You say you've invested 2 1/2 years into this relationship. Think of it this way, do you really want to waste one second more on something that isn't working? Take control of your own destiny and walk away from a situation that isn't healthy. It may hurt a lot immediately but in the long run you'll thank yourself because you'll be so much happier.

Good luck!