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crystal


Kate Spade

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Only read if ur bored
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hey girls, so maybe u've read my previous post about how my cousin (who i was supposedly very close to) hates my BF of 2+ months.  she has no reason, he's been perfectly nice to her, but she just hates him.  well anyways, i hadn't talked to her since last thursday (despite calling her twice & leaving a message once earlier this week), & then she calls me today since her BF is going outta town for the holidays, now she wants to hang out.  i told her that my BF (who is staying w/ his dad for spring break which is an hour away as opposed to 2+ hrs away) is gonna come visit me tomorrow cuz i have the day off (she doesn't, so i wasn't about to wait around all day for her, esp. when she hasnt' called me all week) & that i would see her saturday.  she's like ok fine & hangs up.  then she calls me back & is like "we need to talk, i never want to be around him again" & i'm like "ya i know we need to talk & u don't have to worry cuz he's not coming to vegas" & she's all "why?", me: "cuz u hate him", her: "well, we wouldn't be hanging out together, i'd be w/ my BF the whole time", me: "you never told me that, how was i supposed to know this???", her: "well, i dunno, but we just need to talk, call me later".  ugh, i'm so stressed right now, i cried after the call (in the bathroom cuz i'm at work) & my stomach is in knots.  i really just don't know what to say or do to reason w/ this woman!  any encouragement/support/words of wisdom are greatly appreciated, thanks girls!

-- Edited by crystal at 21:03, 2005-03-24

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Karina


Chanel

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RE: I need my girls... (another rant about my cousin)
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Is it possible that she hates him because he is "taking you away from her" ?

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crystal


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1269
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quote:
Originally posted by: Karina
"Is it possible that she hates him because he is "taking you away from her" ?"

i wish, i mean i dated a guy a few years ago that she "hated" (this is not an uncommon sentiment for her to have toward my BFs) & i thought it was because of that very reason, so i only saw him on sundays (since that's the day she usually goes to visit her dad for the whole day), but that didn't change anything.  she actually called me while i was at his house to yell at me about how i never spend time w/ her & i said "i'm only here on sundays" but she still seemed to think that i was being a huge bitch or something.


anyways, i only see my current BF on weekends cuz he lives so far & i've actually told him to stay home b4 when my cousin's BF is outta town so that i can hang out w/ her (even tho she lives downstairs & she can see me any time she wants during the week).  if anything i should be mad at her BF cuz i only get to see my cousin on wednesdays (to watch AI) since she's w/ him every other day of the week (including weekends!).



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D


Hermes

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quote:
Originally posted by: Karina
"Is it possible that she hates him because he is "taking you away from her" ?"
honey,  you need to pay attention to what Karina's asking... This is exactly what's going on - nothing more, nothing less - there's no need to spend a lot of time agonizing over what's behind her actions.  this is the same thing everyone tried to tell you the last time you posted about this.  she is threatened by your boyfriend because he takes away your availability to her and your dependency on her companionship.  there's really nothing you can do about it. if she wants to be childish and selfish and continue like this, that's her problem.

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crystal


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1269
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quote:
Originally posted by: detroit
"honey,  you need to pay attention to what Karina's asking... This is exactly what's going on - nothing more, nothing less - there's no need to spend a lot of time agonizing over what's behind her actions.  this is the same thing everyone tried to tell you the last time you posted about this.  she is threatened by your boyfriend because he takes away your availability to her and your dependency on her companionship.  there's really nothing you can do about it. if she wants to be childish and selfish and continue like this, that's her problem."
ya i guess ur right, it's just so hard for me to understand how someone that supposedly cares about me can act like this & i just don't know how to react... i guess that's why i'm trying so hard to analyze the situation so i don't make things worse since she's so unpredictable about what she'll get mad about.  anyways, sorry, i know u all gave great advice in my previous post, i just wanted some comfort... i even tried googling for a site that deals specifically w/ this kinda stuff cuz i know the main purpose of this site is fashion, but i just can't find anything.  thanks for reading.

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D


Hermes

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quote:
Originally posted by: crystal
"ya i guess ur right, it's just so hard for me to understand how someone that supposedly cares about me can act like this & i just don't know how to react... i guess that's why i'm trying so hard to analyze the situation so i don't make things worse since she's so unpredictable about what she'll get mad about.  anyways, sorry, i know u all gave great advice in my previous post, i just wanted some comfort... i even tried googling for a site that deals specifically w/ this kinda stuff cuz i know the main purpose of this site is fashion, but i just can't find anything.  thanks for reading."

no - you are more than welcome to post about this stuff here - and I think everyone will agree that we're here for you and everyone else with relationship problems.  I know I'm not good about sugar coating things sometimes, but I think the most valuable input I could offer is to the point. 


I don't think you'll find a text book solution to this.  I think you need to recognize what's going on before you try to solve it though.


Personally, I would call her and have that talk and tell her that you are really confused by the way she's acting, and that you and your boyfriend don't deserve to be treated this way and it's making you really uncomfortable.


Remember, you are not on this planet to be her puppet.  Also remember that blood is NOT thicker than water and her being your cousin is no excuse for treating you and your boyfriend this way.



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shopgirl82


Chanel

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Date:
RE: Only read if ur bored
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it seems to me that you give her too much control over YOUR life.  why is your bf not going on the vegas trip?  so that she can be with her bf the whole and you can be miserable?  i don't care if your cousin and him don't get along, it's your vacation too.  you're allowing yourself to be miserable instead of her supposedly being miserable if he's there?!  also, why were you only hanging out with him on sundays?  she is used to you doing things her way.  it's YOUR life.


be strong.  i think you two do need to have a conversation.  when you do maybe you should bring a card with notes (i've done this before over the phone) because when you're in the moment, words get jumbled, then you don't say things that you wanted to and it sounds like she may be the kind of person to control the conversation.   


good luck.  i really hope everything works out between you two! 



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"i tell you one lesson I learned If you want to be something in life, You ain't gonna get it unless, You give a little bit of sacrifice, Oohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry.." -The Roots
lsubatgirl


Gucci

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Hey girl.  I have been here (not with family but friends)!  When me and my bf started dating we had mutual friends who were so into getting us together it was sickening.  We finally started dating and the tides turned.  Apparently it wasn't enough for all of us to hang out together.  We had to hang out with them separately and give them "their" time with us.  It was so stressful and aggravating we ended up "breaking up" with them! But it all boiled down to them being jealous that we were dating (umm you hooked us up!) and not depending on them for friendship all the time. Its rough but you probably need to cut your cousin off for a while and do things you want to do and she will give up the hating him because she will miss you or she will be completely irrational and hate you both for a while but she is family and she will come around eventually with you so I wouldn't worry about that right now.

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
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I agree with everything detroit said. I know you've posted about your cousin before and I think it's all about control. She likes being the controlling force in y'all's relationship.


My advice is for you to sit her down and be firm. Tell her 1) you love her and care about her but you are your own person and you will do what you like with whomever you like when you like; 2) she doesn't have to like your bf, although that would be nice, but she does have to respect him and you because you obviously like him and you know how she feels about him so there is no need to repeat it; 3) you enjoy spending time with her but you will no longer be at her beck and call and if she wants to hang out with you, she needs to call and ask you, like she would any other friend, if you're available and if you're not, she will have to deal with it like you have to deal with her not being available some of the times you want to hang out; and 4) if she can't respect your wishes with regards to y'all's friendship then perhaps she should re-evaluate what a true friendship is and whether or not she wants to work on creating one with you.


Take the power back. You make your decisions, not her. She's probably used to being able to walk all over you, if I had to guess. Stand up to her and be strong. You deserve a real friend, not a "toxic" friend, as the women on the board are fond of saying. (It's a good description!)


Also, don't fret about posting! That's what we're here for!



-- Edited by blubirde at 10:51, 2005-03-25

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
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You know more about your cousin than I do. Still, it does sound like
1) She feels like it's OK to overrule your decisions
2) She has incredibly high expectations of you and
3) When you fail to meet those expectations (trust me, Lassie couldn't be a good enough friend to this girl) she feels like it's OK to treat you badly.

None of these are OK. And all of them are HER problem and have nothing to do with you. But you're the one with a stomach in knots! It's funny how that works. So, I feel for you, and for what it's worth, I think you've been way too nice to her, and I think Bluebirde's advice is dead on... Good luck!

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crystal


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1269
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thank you girls soooooo much!  i totally appreciate the advice & comfort.  you are all so supportive, thanks for reading & giving such thoughtful responses.  i talked to my cousin this weekend & refused to back down despite her guilt-trip laden "i wish u were dating someone else so we could still hang out" to which i responded (in the same whiny guilt-trippy voice) "ya, i know & i wish u would just like my boyfriend".  that seemed to shut her up.  anyways, i'm definitely not backing down on this & it helps to hear (read) what you all have to say... oh & btw, sorry to be so passive aggressive in my previous post, it was TOM & i wasn't really being myself.    thanks again everyone!

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
Date:
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quote:
Originally posted by: crystal
"thank you girls soooooo much!  i totally appreciate the advice & comfort.  you are all so supportive, thanks for reading & giving such thoughtful responses.  i talked to my cousin this weekend & refused to back down despite her guilt-trip laden "i wish u were dating someone else so we could still hang out" to which i responded (in the same whiny guilt-trippy voice) "ya, i know & i wish u would just like my boyfriend".  that seemed to shut her up.  anyways, i'm definitely not backing down on this & it helps to hear (read) what you all have to say... oh & btw, sorry to be so passive aggressive in my previous post, it was TOM & i wasn't really being myself.    thanks again everyone! "
Congratulations Crystal! I know what a big deal it is to stand up to people like that. I bet you feel like a million bucks, huh? As for passive/agressive behavior, no prob. Who doesn't become bitch-central every once in awhile?

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