STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kel · Coach

RE: RE: RE: so i snooped.

blink · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: Tara
"I am totally going to go against the group here.....but this is what happens when you snoop. Snooping is NEVER good and nothing positive EVER comes out of doing it. However, I am a true believer that if you are in a relationship and you feel the urge to snoop - something is wrong. .......so this may be a good time for you to sit and think. "

No, no, no... She had to find some truth on her own, no matter what the outcome. The only positive thing that could have happened was to find innocent emails and feel that sweet humble relief...but that didn't happen because her boyfriend is a cad! You are right that snooping is bad, but Tara T. is the victim here, she had no choice but to snoop or to drive herself crazy wondering. For some people, that seed of doubt is not enough to get them to break up with someone. People have to find out for themselves in order to feel sane again. The truth is empowering, whether good or bad.

Who really prefers to take the "ignorance is bliss" route? I personally think that if you DON'T SNOOP, you are the crazy one. Sometimes after you have enough experience with people like this, you don't even need to check anymore. You just know they are unloyal because they show all those signs you can't ignore.

Tara T, if you are (hopefully) ever going break up with him, it is the best time right now. At least now you can break up and have a real physical reason, your dignity has been smudged, his trust is broken. He feels like an idiot and wants to blame you for snooping, don't buy it, he got beat like a drum at his own game! You caught him being unloyal, now do what's right and flick him away like a gnat. I know it's easier said than done, but catching him in this email sure makes the thought easier than before, right?

-- Edited by lorelei at 11:22, 2005-03-23

jess · Kenneth Cole

Im sorry tara t... I have been in a similar situation (snooping & finding an email), only he wasn't telling his ex those things, but I did found out that they had a little movie date- you know- to catch up-whatever. (Of course he is my ex now... but i stayed in that relationship way to long, but thats another story all together). Either way- what he said to her is wrong, and unwarranted since he's in a relationship with YOU. Thats total bull shit & I would be too pissed for words. Reading that email must have been horrible- I can totally relate to that feeling & Im sorry that you had to experience that. I really dont know your history with him, but I do know that from this point forward your relationship will without a doubt-change. The trust is shot & I dont know how I would be able to go on with him knowing that he thinks these things about someone else. Its a waste of your time & energy to stay in a relationship that you constantly doubt, not being able to trust someone is very draining.

In the end, its your choice. You are an awesome chick- remember that. You dont need someone in your life who doesnt appreciate you, trust me- there are others out there that will! Good luck- and remember you can always talk to us when you need to!

Tara · Dooney & Bourke

Tara, I definitely don't want to come across as blaming you! I am sorry that you found this, and I hope that you are strong enough to move to action - though I know this is SO hard to do. I am against snooping, but what is done is done. And mainly I am against snooping b/c the one time I DID snoop I found something unsettling as well. However, my snooping turned out to be a misunderstanding, so I made a pact to never snoop again!

Good luck, and know that you deserve more.

bliss · Dooney & Bourke

quote:
Originally posted by: Tara
"Tara, I definitely don't want to come across as blaming you! I am sorry that you found this, and I hope that you are strong enough to move to action - though I know this is SO hard to do. I am against snooping, but what is done is done. And mainly I am against snooping b/c the one time I DID snoop I found something unsettling as well. However, my snooping turned out to be a misunderstanding, so I made a pact to never snoop again! Good luck, and know that you deserve more."

I understand where your comments came from. I have NEVER known anyone that snooped and found out anything good. I never do it. If something is up it usually has a way of finding you without you having to search it out.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Tara t - big hugs! I've been there, and believe me, I know how addictive it is to be with someone who almost loves you. Six years. He was always this close to giving me everything I wanted, but never quite there. And finally I realized I was giving him everything HE wanted, and getting nothing in return, just trying to earn his true affection. And his mom hated me too. It never worked. But it's addictive. Somehow it just keeps you stuck for a really long time. Oh, and getting mad at you for snooping is just his way of keeping the upper hand. Which it sounds like he tries to do in everything.

Anyway, I think Bluebirde is completely right. And don't judge yourself for snooping - it's human and you obviously had reason to be suspicious - and don't judge yourself if you can't leave him yet. Sometimes it takes a while. Just be good to yourself, and whatever your boyfriend says, say in your head "Now I know he's a liar..." Because he is. So there's no use in arguing with him. Take care Babe.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

oh tara t, i'm so so so sorry. this just sucks so much and you deserve so much better than this. first of all, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. if he's f*cked up in the head enough to still be carrying a torch for some girl from a million years ago who's fricking engaged and he's all concerned about who his mother wants him to be with, then this boy's got issues that have nothing to do with you. sweetie, you just have to decide what's best for you at this point. list all the things you want out of life and see if he fits that picture. like remember how you wanted to move to Las Vegas but he wasn't into the idea so then you didn't? well, maybe it's time to revisit all those things you compromised on and just ask yourself this--is he worth it? only you can answer that question but know that you have my unconditional support no matter what you decide to do.

as for the snooping issue--i'm w/ tara on her point that if you have enough of an instinct to want to snoop then something is probably wrong. but i'm also w/ aj in the sense that in a relationship a lot of things shouldn't be considered snooping in the first place. whatever though, because imo how you found out is irrelevant at this point. the question is: what are you going to do now that you know?

-- Edited by esquiress at 14:04, 2005-03-23

poptart · Coach

I once snooped, and I found similar information. Yes, you were wrong to snoop, but it doesn't change what you found. If he has doubts about his love for you, I would move on.

I know that may sound harsh, and I don't mean it to. I am sooo sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

tara t · Marc Jacobs

thanks for all of your kind words... i haven't told any of my friends, just the ST girls. i feel like finding that email did suck, but i'm glad i did. i'm not sure what i'm going to say to him when we do talk, but i think it's over with. i can't trust him, and although i did snoop, i found evidence of his wrong behavior, so my not trusting him is waranted. he's just being very selfish right now, by saying silly things like " i'm not talking about this now." and "i don't want to have this discussion" but if i just just got busted, i wouldn't want to talk about it either. i think it's over between butthead and i... i have been in this kind of situation before, and i let the guy have another chance. i'm not going to this time. i really would like to punch him in the face, but that's not very ladylike. so i will refrain. sigh... this really does suck.

Karina · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: tara t
"thanks for all of your kind words... i haven't told any of my friends, just the ST girls. i feel like finding that email did suck, but i'm glad i did. i'm not sure what i'm going to say to him when we do talk, but i think it's over with. i can't trust him, and although i did snoop, i found evidence of his wrong behavior, so my not trusting him is waranted. he's just being very selfish right now, by saying silly things like " i'm not talking about this now." and "i don't want to have this discussion" but if i just just got busted, i wouldn't want to talk about it either. i think it's over between butthead and i... i have been in this kind of situation before, and i let the guy have another chance. i'm not going to this time. i really would like to punch him in the face, but that's not very ladylike. so i will refrain. sigh... this really does suck."

(((((((HUGS)))))))) I'm sorry honey, but I really think you are doing the right thing.

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: tara t
"thanks for all of your kind words... i haven't told any of my friends, just the ST girls. i feel like finding that email did suck, but i'm glad i did. i'm not sure what i'm going to say to him when we do talk, but i think it's over with. i can't trust him, and although i did snoop, i found evidence of his wrong behavior, so my not trusting him is waranted. he's just being very selfish right now, by saying silly things like " i'm not talking about this now." and "i don't want to have this discussion" but if i just just got busted, i wouldn't want to talk about it either. i think it's over between butthead and i... i have been in this kind of situation before, and i let the guy have another chance. i'm not going to this time. i really would like to punch him in the face, but that's not very ladylike. so i will refrain. sigh... this really does suck."

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through right now. Butthead is truly living up to his name. He probably doesn't know what to say to you at this point because he knows he is wrong and nothing he can say can undo it.

If you start thinking about giving him another chance, just think of that girl feeling all smug, like she is better than you because even though she is not with him, she still has his heart. That's what worked for me when I was in a similar position. In fact, that was a huge factor in me deciding to get rid of him. Everytime he would try to woo me back, I would picture her telling her friends how my boyfriend was still in love with her and picturing me as something he settled for.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

tara t,

wow, you are showing so much strength. i think that you should look out for yourself and do what's best for you, which it sounds like that is exactly what you're doing. i have been reading the posts and i have been thinking what i would do in the situation, and it would be so hard to be in that situation, i don't know what i would do. but then i thought about a different post, in which i said i would purge toxic people. it sounds like he is toxic to you. you need to feel good about yourself and believe him when he says he loves you, and going forth, i'm not sure that could happen with what you have found. i really really feel for you, what a tough situation, but i think you're making the right decision in the end...

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: tara t
"thanks for all of your kind words... i haven't told any of my friends, just the ST girls. i feel like finding that email did suck, but i'm glad i did. i'm not sure what i'm going to say to him when we do talk, but i think it's over with. i can't trust him, and although i did snoop, i found evidence of his wrong behavior, so my not trusting him is waranted. he's just being very selfish right now, by saying silly things like " i'm not talking about this now." and "i don't want to have this discussion" but if i just just got busted, i wouldn't want to talk about it either. i think it's over between butthead and i... i have been in this kind of situation before, and i let the guy have another chance. i'm not going to this time. i really would like to punch him in the face, but that's not very ladylike. so i will refrain. sigh... this really does suck."

Girl, screw ladylike!!! Punch him in the face! He deserves it. (I'm sort of kidding.) When I finally dumped my bf who I gave a second chance to I threw this plastic box/trinket thing he'd given me right at his HEAD! He had to duck and it smashed into a zillion pieces. I still smile thinking about it. Sometimes a little anger is a good thing. The only thing I regret is that I kinda liked the box...

That said, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It sucks and it bites and it's sad and it's depressing. I will never understand how someone can play so fast and loose with someone else's heart. It really is one of the most awful things a person can do to another person.

If you need support, we're here for you. And I can always be counted on to throw a laugh or two out there. I have a great recent Sunday night story that is all kinds of funny. I'll save it for ya! (And when I say funny - I mean at my expense. Good times.)

halleybird · Hermes

Tara...I am so sorry this happened to you. But someday you will find someone who would never do that to you (or act the way Butthead is right now) and you will be so proud of yourself for getting out of this situation.{{{hugs}}}

FashionPrincess · Hermes

quote:
Originally posted by: tara t
" i really would like to punch him in the face, but that's not very ladylike. so i will refrain. sigh... this really does suck."

We'll totally beat him up for you, you mess with one stylethread-er, you mess with us all!!

Joking aside, you deserve to be #1 in your man's heart/life/everything! Hold out for the one. And remember we're here if you need someone to talk to (((Big hugs)))

boop · Nine West

so what happened?!?!?!?!?

DC Shopper · Dooney & Bourke

good luck, tara t. I'm so sorry that Butthead is such a Butthead.

Tati · Chanel

He's an asshole!

Sorry tara- you'll find someone that will put you at #1 forever, just watch

Drew · Gucci

Please tell me you left him.

Vanessa · Kate Spade

tara_t, I just want to say I'm really sorry you found out what you did. I'm sure you never expected to read such things in that email, but I hope you gained some clarity out of it. Sometimes - actually, a lot of times - I wish I had stumbled upon something that obvious so I wouldn't have stuck around for six years with my now-ex. I always had a feeling that he felt there was something greater than us (not someone from his past but a possibility of some great amazing love connection better than ours) - and someone here said it best, it's addictive. You want to be the one and only, the best, and no matter what you do, it's never quite good enough. It's good and I was happy, but deep in my heart I didn't feel totally right, because he didn't feel totally right. And unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can do about the way another person feels.

I don't think I could live like that for the rest of my life. I know that if I really wanted to, we'd be married right now. I could've totally made that happen. But I didn't because it wouldn't have been right. Even though breaking up didn't seem like the best decision at the time, and it still doesn't at times, I know deep down it's for the best. One never knows what destiny has prepared for us.

Please be good to yourself and think long and hard about what you will do. I know it's not an easy decision and one which I definitely would have struggled making. But please listen to this advice because I wish I had when I was in your shoes - you deserve better. You deserve to spend your time on this earth with someone who adores you and worships the ground you walk on. And you can find that, but probably not with someone who feels the way your SO does, at least not in this point in time. That's not to say you can't be the perfect couple at some point, but it seems like he has some healing to do before he can give his all to anyone. Hope you feel better and feel free to vent to us. We're all here to listen and share our experiences.

**HUGS**