STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

GucciGal19 · BCBG

In need of major advice (long)...

Hermes

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very difficult.

I can't think of a single person who was 100% positively sure about marrying someone, let alone 200%. People evolve over time, and those changes can be unpredictable. One thing you can be 100% or 200% sure of is that marriage is NEVER perfect, and that you WILL have to work at getting along and compromising in the future. If both of you are 100% committed to making your marriage work, then it will.

As far as his sister is concerned, it's her choice in regard to what her relationship is with her father, regardless of how inconsiderate and selfish he has been. People are who they are, and it's up to us to take them or leave them. Even though his father's actions are difficult to forgive, forgiving him for being a flawed human is very freeing. This doesn't mean your boyfriend has to have contact with him, but realizing that his father is who he is, taking him or leaving him for that, and also realizing that he is not his father, and his father's actions do not determine his destiny, could be very freeing for your boyfriend (sorry for the run-on.)

Also, as a side note, one downfall to getting married right now is that it will effect any financial aid you receive for school, so you may want to wait for that reason alone...

sydney · Kate Spade

The religious split will be very difficult, so you'd have to talk through that at length and come to an agreement first - otherwise you could both have hurt feelings over wrong expectations of the other.

The fact that he is willing to communicate and talk about all his feelings says a lot though - in the end, that makes all the difference.

kmd · Kate Spade

If you guys are happy right now, that's what matters- there is no need to rush into marraige, and you said yourself that you guys are nowhere near ready. Marriage is a huge deal and both of you should wait until you are sure before you go forward with any of that. I don't believe that breaking up would be the right step, been there, done that, and things only got worse. You just have to support each other, and if the time comes that you both decide marriage is the best thing for you, go for it, but if you're unsure or don't agree on enough regarding children etc., I just don't think it's a good idea.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I think it sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of issues in regards to the divorce that he needs to work through - and it would probably help him a lot to go to counseling. Unfortunately those issues are making him doubt what sounds like a wonderful relationship, but his issues don't have anything to do with you. I would encourage him to seek out counseling, and just continue to be there for him. It sounds like you are at least a few years away from marriage, and there's no reason to stress about it now. I know that when your friends start getting married, it can put pressure on you, but you have your own life to live, and marriage will happen at the right time for YOU. I know that I'm several years away from being ready for marriage, and although many of my friends are married and popping out kids, I am content in the knowledge that my path does not include marriage quite yet.

Regarding the religion issue, if that's causing problems now, then maybe you should go ahead and visit with an open minded priest and rabbi. It's good that you acknowledge that this could be an issue, as I've seen my parents encounter a lot of problems over my dad's extremely devout Catholic family. It will take a lot of compromise, but I don't think it's an insurmountable issue.

subwolley · Kate Spade

Well, if you guys are both not ready for marriage yet, why talk about it right now? Just enjoy the relationship for what it is, this moment in time, until both of you are ready and more sure about what marriage will bring.

blubirde · Chanel

So neither of you are ready to get married anytime soon. My first thought is, and I'm sure it's yours too, why worry about it? Why not just enjoy what you have now and worry about the future in the future? But then you've already heard him say he's not sure and he doesn't know if he can be sure, due to his past. As much as you'd like to ignore that and go forward, it's really hard to not hear "I'm not sure" in the back of your head. If it were me, I'd be thinking: should I cut my losses now? Will he ever be sure? Am I wasting my time? Will it all be fine in 5 years?

As much as I hate to say it, that's the way these things go. Relationships, not to mention marriages, are sometimes hard. Sometimes people say things that are hard to take back (and I'm not talking about stupid or immature or mean things; I'm talking about real things).

Here's my advice: if you're happy now, be happy now. You are both young and have unexplored pathways in front of you. Enjoy what you can and learn from the rest. Try as hard as you can to not let this one conversation ruin the good relationship you have right now. If you can work through the issue or learn to accept that nothing is certain no matter what you hope, you'll be better off and more prepared to put in the work that D talked about when you finally do decide to get married.

Kitty · Hermes

I don't think anyone is 100% sure when they get married. I don't think it's possible to be 100% sure with most big decision in life. Most likely there will be some doubt, questioning, wondering, etc. Even if the person is great, sometimes the worry and doubt centers around marriage itself, commitment, or timing, etc. Marriage is HUGE because it's a lifetime commitment, so I think it's pretty normal to have some worries and doubts about that type of step and level of commitment.

jacL · Coach

I am sorry you are having trouble right now...but I agree with the other girls who say it is normal not to be 100% sure (at least not all of the time) and to just enjoy the relationship as it is.

I am in the same boat, where a lot of friends, cousins, etc. have gotten engaged and/or married in the last couple of years, so I know how that can feel like pressure for you to do the same. I won't get into them right now, but my BF also has marriage issues (not commitment issues, but marriage issues, based on his upbringing), and it has taken us both, together and separately, a long time to comes to terms with them. It sounds like your BF has only recently really started thinking about these sorts of things, but since you aren't ready to be married yet, he and you have awhile to work through them. It might not work out in the end, but it might, and wouldn't you feel better knowing that you gave it your all?

One more thing I want to say about the religion issue--when you do start talking marriage for real, you have go to get on the same page about this--that is a big issue and needs to be fully discussed before marriage/children.

Good luck. I really hope everything works out for you two!

Suasoria · Chanel

gingembre1 wrote:

I think it sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of issues in regards to the divorce that he needs to work through - and it would probably help him a lot to go to counseling. Unfortunately those issues are making him doubt what sounds like a wonderful relationship, but his issues don't have anything to do with you. I would encourage him to seek out counseling, and just continue to be there for him. It sounds like you are at least a few years away from marriage, and there's no reason to stress about it now. I know that when your friends start getting married, it can put pressure on you, but you have your own life to live, and marriage will happen at the right time for YOU.

I gotta ditto all that. He needs to get over being abandoned when he was a little boy, and counseling will help ease the pain he's in. Don't take it upon yourself to try, even with all your med school background - there's too much between you two to put yourself in that kind of a role, as tempting as it might be. Hopefully a therapist will explain that what he and his sister experienced is typical and he can get some relief from what he's been carrying around. This would free him to move on to a healthier future with you, and in general too.

If he's not willing to go into counseling (which he should have had at eight years old, so he's way overdue), then you have to consider whether he really wants to be healthy or if he's too comfortable being in pain. I doubt it, with the new developments.

I'll differ with others on one point, just because I don't find religious differences are as major as our cultures often teach us to believe. I find much to admire about my husband's family's faith, and vice-versa. DH is Jewish and I was raised Catholic, and most of our married-with-children peers are in religious mixed marriages - as is DH's brother, who also married a good Catholic girl.

blink · Coach

I just wanted to add here that even when divorce happens, it is often done when neither spouse is 100% sure. And even when both partners were sure, many years down the road, they sometimes have huge regrets. It's human.

Surely, most marriages are entered upon with every intention of staying together for life. So what happens? If we all had it figured out, that would be something, wouldn't it?

Uncertainty is just life. Life and Death (metaphorical death...) are at our heels at all times. Some relationships last a lifetime, others don't. Pain is inevitable at some point. You can only both just promise to do your best.

I have to say, as worried as you are, that it does sound like you and your boyfriend have really good communication in spite of his fears.

Best of luck... smile

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Would it be unthinkable to just stay together without getting married, or settling the question, for a while? Med school is horrible, and that's a lot of stress on a relationship. Wouldn't it be easier to just set a date to revisit the issue, perhaps when you know where you're going to med school, which might entail him moving?

Rushing to a decision, just to avoid uncertainty, has never work well, for me. (It's how I ended up in a marriage with a guy who was perfect on paper, but we weren't right for each other).

Also, there are red flags in your boyfriend's family - His relatives were way too involved with his sister's visits to her dad. I wouldn't be surprised if there are two sides to that story. I know not talking to your own child for any reason is unforgivable. I'm just saying that both sides might share fault for a bad situation. The story, as described, sounds like people weren't very respectful of boundaries, or all that great at communicating expectations. His sister did something she knew would bother people. The relatives ganged up on her. And then your boyfriend got stuck in a situation where he had to encounter his father for the first time in 10 years in order to keep everyone else happy? What on earth was everyone thinking, there? And it says that your boyfriend is willing to do a lot to avoid hurt feelings, too. That's hard.

Overall, the future of the relationship depends on how you guys answer challenges, solve problems together and respond to stress - especially in regards to the religion question. If you're not comfortable with how that is going now, I wouldn't count on it changing after marriage. If you are, then why not let things sort out for a while and stop putting so much pressure on yourselves?

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

Hi!
It feels a bit weird to comment on such a private issue to a person you don't know....however, you did post it here:)
I"m sorry you feel so much frustration. I can't tell you what to do, but maybe point out a few issues to think about after reading your post:

1. What bothered me is that neither of you is 100% sure if the other one is a potential spouse...you've been together for 4 years, I do realize that you started very young, however....it's something to be very certain about.
2.One hsouldn't enter into a marriage thinking of a divorce in advance. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is high...but if you think you'll fail before you start...it's a negative approach that is unhealthy & probably lights up an issue.
3. & the issue is...: it seems a bit childish to fear a probablility of a divorce blaming it on his parents. It's not transfered by genes, it's one's character & nature verses his chosen spouse/partner & the dynamics of their relationship...it's up to you whethere it'll work out or not, not because of the parents...
4. RE: the faith. I"m jewish & so is my husband, we're not religious at all, but we do celebrate major holidays, visit the temple occasionally & teach our kids the jewish tradition. We know mixed couples & from what we see :if both of you do nothing of it within his/your faith & don't care about it - it'll work just fine. When you start caring & have kids: the quesiton of whether to do bris or christening, bar/bat mizva or communion, huppa or by the altar, christmas or hannukah, easter or passover - will rise...& here the in-laws will enter the picture....

So, I don't think that any of us in the forum is in the position to tell you what to do, but think carefully through every detail & listen to your heart. I wish you best of luck, much love & good fortune!