STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

halleybird · Hermes

what would you do? (sort of long)

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i would wait a while so that you don't say anything that you don't mean. but when you do talk to her, stick your ground, even if she makes you feel bad (remember the wedding gift, the bridesmaid dress, the bridal shower gift, the soon to be baby gift...)

whenever i don't want to talk to someone, i send them e-mails. she probably needs a friend because she is pregnant, but you should do it on your terms since she was awful to you.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

I agree. I would wait a while before calling. Just email her once a week or so to check in with her and all but don't call. You can just use the excuse that you are super busy with school and emailing on your lunch break. Then if things calm down you can try calling but if you decide you don't wanna call then you don't have to.

blubirde · Chanel

I disagree with the other girls. I think you should be upfront and honest with her. And the sooner, the better. I can never be true friends with someone when there is resentment in our relationship. Even if she doesn't take it well, if you want to have a future relationship with this girl (and you say she's your best friend?), you have to lay it all out on the table and work through it. That's what makes a frienship strong and lasting. She will need a friend with a new baby and you need a friend who doesn't take out their anger and problems on you. If it's worth it to you to keep her as a best friend, I think it's worth it to weather the storm your honesty might create.

And I know where you're coming from. I'm an avoidance person, personally, but I know nothing can ever be resolved until it's out in the open.

Good luck!

luckylily · Gucci

I'm usually a very non confrontationanal person, but I agree w/ Blubirde, I think you should call her on her unacceptable behavior. Especially the anti-social bridesmaid comment, that is such a rude, hurtful thing to say.

It seems to me that this is stuff she needs to hear. She's going to have a child soon, the princess act isn't going to fly anymore.

blink · Coach

people like this do not fight fair, so why bother getting in to a debate with her about it.

if you really want to get into it with her, just tell her how you have been hurt, but I wouldn't bother spewing out her numerous faults, you may be right, but sometimes "honesty" is actually quite unkind.

you are right to want to avoid her and shrink away, she does not provide a "safe" place for you to just be yourself (like when you didn't want to dance). I would take some time away from contact with her and if she protests or starts asking what your problem is, just say you have been busy. it isn't even neccessary to tell her that her company stresses you out, but it should just be understood. just let it lie.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I'm with Lorelei, completely. I have my doubts about the upfront thing as a general policy. The times people have listed my faults for me, I felt like they were being unfair and rigid. And the times I've done it to other people, I have realized later that I probably should have given the other person a break. Either way, the relationship has never recovered. People just don't like being criticized directly. And no one is ever like "Oh, of course, I'm so glad you told me I was being a jerk." It's also likely to start a snowball effect of her going to other people and saying "Halleybird said blah, blah, blah..." which would be just a mess.

Good luck - I hate this type of person. They tend to end up being my friends too because no one else will put up with them. I heard the best advice the other day though (I was whining about a user friend I posted about a few weeks ago). A friend of mine said "People who are going to be good friends don't ask for a whole lot, especially not right at first. People who ask for a whole lot never really make good friends." I know that's just a variation on neediness and codependency issues, whatever. But I hadn't thought about it like that before. Usually when someone asks for a lot, I just give it thinking it will all even out later.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 13:27, 2005-03-21

atlgirl · Gucci

I personally would think long and hard about whether or not I still wanted to be friends with her. Her behavior is beyond rude to you - it's toxic. She deliberately embarrassed you at least twice (the dancing and the "antisocial" comment) on her wedding day, in front of many people.

Halleybird, what I know of you (only from your posts here) is that you are generous, you have a huge, huge heart and want to see good in everyone. Don't let that keep you in a relationship that is hurtful to you. She may "need a friend" with the baby coming, as others have posted, but until she knows how to BE a friend, I wouldn't be going out of my way to accommodate her needs.

<<I can't really tell her why I am upset -- she is very resistant to criticism and will just ream me out. She has always been a little spoiled and bratty, but it's gotten so much worse. I have a tendency to befriend people who are jerks to me>>

The fact that you don't even feel you can have an open, honest discussion with her - without her reaming you out - is an indicator of how lopsided the friendship is. What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship?

IMO life is too damned short to put up with that kind of behavior. My motto is "only positive relationships" - I started implementing it years ago, and I am so much happier with my friendships and relationships since I did. Choose to be friends with people who value YOU - because you deserve that. We all do.

And I'm sorry you've been treated so shabbily by this girl! *hugs*

Jill

shopgirl82 · Chanel

sorry, i just want to add one more thing. maybe because i attract people like that too (you want to believe in the good of them, and give them a chance)...

but anways in college i "let go" of two friends. they were best friends at the time. it sucked at the time, but in the end, you want to surround yourself by people who bring you up, or make you feel good about yourself...all others, like atlgirl said...are TOXIC.

crystal · Kate Spade

oh halleybird, u sound just like me!! my cousin (and in fact most of the female friends i've had in my life) is exactly like ur friend! i know exactly what u mean about getting reamed for bringing it up. i would say just make it all about urself & how bad it makes u feel when she says/does stuff like that. if u point out her faults she will definitely take it badly.

on the other hand, i did "let go" (as shopgirl82 put it) of 2 friends, one in high school & one in college due to their bad behavior. they were both best friends, one for more than 10 years, but i couldn't take the abuse anymore. and in the end, i now have both of them back! we don't talk/hang out as much as we used to (a lot of that being a distance issue) so we appreciate our time together a lot more & i don't have problems with either of them anymore. and trust me, i would try this technique w/ my cousin if she wasn't blood & i wouldn't see her at every family event (plus we live in the same building). good luck hon!

halleybird · Hermes

thank you for the advice everyone...I appreciate it. I was afraid I was being too hard on her, it being "her day" and all.

I have given it a lot of thought, and I think I am just going to wait to talk to her for a couple of reasons. First, I think some of the way she's acting has to do with hormones, because that's really when her attitude started. She's always been a little bratty, but this is even worse. Second, I just can't stand to have to fight with her. She's a psychologist and loves to psychoanalyze people when she feels confronted, and I just can't handle that right now. Finally, all of this wedding BS aside, I just can't stand to talk to her lately - it exhausts me because it's all memememememe. In our last three phone conversations (pre-wedding), she proceeded to bring up how much more money her husband makes (as in "wow, ___ makes more than you and (husband) combined"), how nice it will be to not have to work (she's taking at least a year off with the baby) etc.

But before her pregnancy/engagement, she was a really good friend. I'd like to give her a chance post-hormones.

bex · Chanel

i went to a sales conference for work and the motivational speaker they hired really applied things to life as well as work for us. one thing that he talked about was "leaner" and "lifter" friends. Some "friends" of ours are leaners- they constantly are pessimistic about everything and can't find anything good in life. and they especially like to bring you down with them. the others are "lifters" which are people who praise and compliment and make you feel good about your self. he recommended to take a good hard look at your friends and phase out the leaners. i had one friend that was a leaner. i have slowed conversation between us and started emailing once a week. it has helped and i dont have to feel bad for her constantly...

start ceasing conversations. if she cares, she'll wonder why and ask- then tell her whats up.

crystal · Kate Spade

quote:
Originally posted by: bex
"he recommended to take a good hard look at your friends and phase out the leaners."

What about when the "leaner" is family and lives 2 doors down? I know you're not the one who gave the talk, but what do u think he would say about that (I'm being genuine here, I'd really like to know)?

bex · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: crystal
"What about when the "leaner" is family and lives 2 doors down? I know you're not the one who gave the talk, but what do u think he would say about that (I'm being genuine here, I'd really like to know)?"

wow- that i don't know. i just remember knowing immediately who in my life "leans" on me and makes me feel less about myself. and i remember deciding to do something about it. and so i have.

but as for family- crystal- i have no idea. i think that is one touchy subject and depends on how close you are/have been? is it a sibling? how are they pulling you down?

you can PM if you want to...

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

This may cound rather harsh but I agree completely. I friend like that is not worth keeping around.

quote:
Originally posted by: atlgirl
"I personally would think long and hard about whether or not I still wanted to be friends with her. Her behavior is beyond rude to you - it's toxic. She deliberately embarrassed you at least twice (the dancing and the "antisocial" comment) on her wedding day, in front of many people.
Halleybird, what I know of you (only from your posts here) is that you are generous, you have a huge, huge heart and want to see good in everyone. Don't let that keep you in a relationship that is hurtful to you. She may "need a friend" with the baby coming, as others have posted, but until she knows how to BE a friend, I wouldn't be going out of my way to accommodate her needs.
<<I can't really tell her why I am upset -- she is very resistant to criticism and will just ream me out. She has always been a little spoiled and bratty, but it's gotten so much worse. I have a tendency to befriend people who are jerks to me>>
The fact that you don't even feel you can have an open, honest discussion with her - without her reaming you out - is an indicator of how lopsided the friendship is. What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship?
IMO life is too damned short to put up with that kind of behavior. My motto is "only positive relationships" - I started implementing it years ago, and I am so much happier with my friendships and relationships since I did. Choose to be friends with people who value YOU - because you deserve that. We all do.
And I'm sorry you've been treated so shabbily by this girl! *hugs*
Jill "