STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

Wedding help! i've never been to one...

Kelly · Hermes

I usually buy a present off the registry for the wedding, around $50-$100 depending on how well I know the person, etc. For the bridal shower you can definitely get something off the registry if you want to. Personally, I usually try to pick something out myself for the shower. It's more fun, it's a surprise, and I spend less on the shower gift so if she hates my taste, it doesn't matter as much. I take into account her interests, etc., but I do try to give something "traditionally" thought of as a shower gift, something related to homemaking, etc. For example, the last shower present I bought was for my cousin. I know she loves to cook, so I got her a cute anthropologie apron and some recipe cards (and maybe a cookbook? I don't remember). But obviously you'd have to look at what she's already registered for, or use what you know about her, to know what kind of present she would like.

I think the normal answer is that you don't have to buy a present for the shower if you don't attend it, but since you're a bridesmaid I might mail her a little something if I were you, just to show you are thinking of her.

Kitty · Hermes

I think you should definitely get a present for the shower since you are a bridesmaid, but since you aren't attending, you can make it something small. Just an FYI that sometimes they ask bridesmaids to chip in for the shower (I know, it sucks).

For the wedding it really depends on how well I know the person, how much money I have at the time, and how generous I am feeling, what my travel expenses are for the wedding, etc.. I'd say no less than $50, though. I usually do $150-200.

blubirde · Chanel

As a recent (and soon to be) BM, here's what I know:

1. Usually the BMs get together and give one gift for the shower. In our case we picked one of the things the bride really wanted and all chipped in to decorate her bedroom and bathroom (lots of BMs for that one).

2. You don't have to buy a shower gift and a wedding gift. As a matter of fact, it's better if you don't bring a gift to the wedding, because it's just a hassle for the bride and groom to deal with after everyone's gone from the reception. Usually the only people who bring gifts to the wedding are people who weren't invited to any of the showers. It's better to give a gift at the shower, even if you have to ship it, than to give it at the wedding.

3. You can get a separate gift for the wedding if you want. For instance, I chipped in with the BMs in the previous wedding for the shower. And although I haven't given it to her yet, I'm working on a piece of art to give the bride and groom for an actual wedding present. It's not necessary for me to give the 2nd gift but they're close friends and I wanted to do something more personal that a registry gift.

4. You should get a gift from the registry, especially for the shower. That's why they registered - to let guests know what they want. Of course you can get something personal if you're sure the couple will like it, but if you're not super close or you're not sure, go with the safe bet - the registry.

5. Some people say you have to buy a gift for the wedding that covers how much it cost the bride and groom to have you at the reception. I completely disagree. It is not up to you to determine what type of wedding the bride and groom have. If they have a fancy, black-tie affair, that's up to them. If they serve bbq or have a small, intimate affair, that's on them as well. The amount of money spent on the gift is completely up to your budget. Don't get sucked into other considerations. Plus you're already spending money on the BM dress, hair, make-up, etc.

Suasoria · Chanel

I usually buy a wedding gift off the registry ($150-200 usually) and bring it to the bridal shower, or send it prior. I like to get/give the gift early while there's still a good selection on their wish list, and it frees me up from having to bring it the day of. Plus I'd rather just give one gift that's a little more extravagant than several smaller ones at all the pre-nup parties.

In your case you may want to have the gift shipped from the store to arrive in time for the shower. As a BM, I'd also keep your eye out for something more sentimental you can give her before the ceremony, like a vintage lace hankie for her "something old" or sexy wedding night undies.

Kelly · Hermes

Hmmm, it sounds like everyone does it differently. You guys surprised me saying you got the one big gift and brought it to the shower - every wedding I've been to, we give smaller presents at the shower (like spatulas, mixing bowls, etc) and the "big" gifts (like china, silver, etc) are bought for the wedding (but shipped to the house ahead of time).

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I take a gift (or mail one) for the shower. I always buy it off the registry. As for the wedding gift, I tuck a check into a card and take it to the wedding.

Kitty · Hermes

ttara123 wrote:

Hmmm, it sounds like everyone does it differently. You guys surprised me saying you got the one big gift and brought it to the shower - every wedding I've been to, we give smaller presents at the shower (like spatulas, mixing bowls, etc) and the "big" gifts (like china, silver, etc) are bought for the wedding (but shipped to the house ahead of time).

Same.

Suasoria · Chanel

ttara123 wrote:

Hmmm, it sounds like everyone does it differently. You guys surprised me saying you got the one big gift and brought it to the shower - every wedding I've been to, we give smaller presents at the shower (like spatulas, mixing bowls, etc) and the "big" gifts (like china, silver, etc) are bought for the wedding (but shipped to the house ahead of time).

I agree, that is the traditional way most people do these things (and did, when I was growing up). I've also been to Latino and Italian weddings where people give cash at the shower to help pay for the wedding, and a big gift at the wedding.

Many wedding guests these days feel like they're being shaken down for gift after gift, so I sort of solve that problem by giving the BIG gift up front. I didn't have a typical shower partly because I didn't want people to be throwing bath salts and picture frames and other typical tchotchkes at me.

I should add that I sometimes make or order a goodie basket and have it waiting in the hotel room for after the wedding (if they're staying somewhere local) - light snacks, Pellegrino, cheap champagne. Total cost, $35 or $40 max. I find that brides and grooms don't usually eat a lot at their receptions, so some salty almonds and dried apricots and chocolate tends to be really appreciated. I really recommend this if anyone wants to steal this idea. One couple I know said that if it hadn't been for the snacks and water, they would not have managed to consummate their marriage afterwards.

I'm not a cash/check-giving person, but I can see myself doing that in the future when I have more money than time!

atlgirl · Gucci

lynnie wrote:

I am feeling like Carrie right now- wondering why it's fair to have your friends furnish your house when you are pretty sure you'll never ask it of them...

I think this is a sad attitude to take toward a very special event in the life of someone close to you. Why should it have to be a quid pro quo? Can't people just want to give a wedding gift without any expectations tied to it? Some years it feels like we are inundated with wedding invites, some years no one we know is getting married. But we are always happy to purchase a special gift to help mark the occasion for our friends.

Typically if I am invited to a shower I will bring a small personal gift. If I can't attend I will just mail a little something. Then we get a bigger gift for the wedding and make sure it's sent ahead of time to the bride and groom's home.

lynnie · Chanel

atlgirl wrote:

lynnie wrote:

I am feeling like Carrie right now- wondering why it's fair to have your friends furnish your house when you are pretty sure you'll never ask it of them...

I think this is a sad attitude to take toward a very special event in the life of someone close to you. Why should it have to be a quid pro quo? Can't people just want to give a wedding gift without any expectations tied to it? Some years it feels like we are inundated with wedding invites, some years no one we know is getting married. But we are always happy to purchase a special gift to help mark the occasion for our friends.

Typically if I am invited to a shower I will bring a small personal gift. If I can't attend I will just mail a little something. Then we get a bigger gift for the wedding and make sure it's sent ahead of time to the bride and groom's home.

First of all I am very happy for them. I never meant otherwise. And I was asking for advice, I'm certainly not UNHAPPY to bring them gifts. I am just young, with a starting salary in NYC, and have a lot of expenses thrown my way suddenly between travel (twice), bridesmaid dress/hair, throwing a bachelorette party, and 2 gifts.

But regardless, I'm allowed to feel this way, please don't berate me for it. Maybe it's untraditional, but I don't necessarily agree with the idea of registries or multiple gifts. But I've never wanted a wedding, so I know I needed help with how it is supposed to be done.

Since everyone does this differently, I think I'd rather send a personal gift for the shower, and a registry gift for the wedding. I think I want to make a gift bag of fun things she'd really like. The idea of sending a blender to the shower (or other things she has on her registry) literally leaves me cold.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

lynnie - Where is this wedding? I have found that wedding gifting traditions are different regionally. In NYC, and the burbs surrounding, it seems customary to give a gift at the shower off of the registry, then at bachelorette party either buy drinks or whatever, then cash at the actual wedding.

I know this may sound weird to you but in NY I've actually never seen 1 gift at a ceremony, in fact, brides and grooms go around greeting guests with a box to drop your cash envelope in.

And I can totally relate to the Carrie feeling... what about the other successes in life? It basically says that the ultimate celebration and only thing you should be rewarded for accomplishing is finding a husband. Or at least this is how I interpret it occasionally. I don't mean to start fights but just wanted to defend your feeling, and relate to it.

Suasoria · Chanel

XtinaStyles wrote:
It basically says that the ultimate celebration and only thing you should be rewarded for accomplishing is finding a husband. Or at least this is how I interpret it occasionally. I don't mean to start fights but just wanted to defend your feeling, and relate to it.

I think this is a totally valid point and I for one thank you for opening my eyes a little wider.

Once anyone, male or female, reaches adulthood, the milestones worthy of getting gifts are pretty few. Other than weddings and first babies, there's an occasional housewarming gift, and what? Anything else until the supposed gold watch when you retire? (As IF. We'll be lucky to have anything in our 401Ks).

Besides the typical birthday or holiday gifts, that is. In my family there hasn't been a grand tradition of graduations, but I guess for some people that's a gift occasion.

atlgirl · Gucci

lynnie wrote:

atlgirl wrote:

lynnie wrote:

I am feeling like Carrie right now- wondering why it's fair to have your friends furnish your house when you are pretty sure you'll never ask it of them...

I think this is a sad attitude to take toward a very special event in the life of someone close to you. Why should it have to be a quid pro quo? Can't people just want to give a wedding gift without any expectations tied to it? Some years it feels like we are inundated with wedding invites, some years no one we know is getting married. But we are always happy to purchase a special gift to help mark the occasion for our friends.

Typically if I am invited to a shower I will bring a small personal gift. If I can't attend I will just mail a little something. Then we get a bigger gift for the wedding and make sure it's sent ahead of time to the bride and groom's home.

First of all I am very happy for them. I never meant otherwise. And I was asking for advice, I'm certainly not UNHAPPY to bring them gifts. I am just young, with a starting salary in NYC, and have a lot of expenses thrown my way suddenly between travel (twice), bridesmaid dress/hair, throwing a bachelorette party, and 2 gifts.

But regardless, I'm allowed to feel this way, please don't berate me for it. Maybe it's untraditional, but I don't necessarily agree with the idea of registries or multiple gifts. But I've never wanted a wedding, so I know I needed help with how it is supposed to be done.

Since everyone does this differently, I think I'd rather send a personal gift for the shower, and a registry gift for the wedding. I think I want to make a gift bag of fun things she'd really like. The idea of sending a blender to the shower (or other things she has on her registry) literally leaves me cold.

Lynnie, I totally get that you are young and earning a living in a very pricey city and that you have a lot of expenses associated with this wedding. I'm not saying that you have to agree with the idea of registries or multiple gifts - or any gifts, for that matter. I mean, if you really can't stand the idea, maybe you should just send a card instead? If it's really a matter of principle...?

Of course you are allowed to feel the way you do, but your friends obviously feel differently and that last comment seemed like you were resenting the way *they* feel.

It's not you personally, but that Carrie comment really rubs me the wrong way. Your friends are choosing to have the wedding, make a registry, etc. They are not asking anyone to "furnish their house" - anyone who gets them a registry gift is making a choice to do so. And if you (or anyone) really hates that idea, then you can simply choose not to do it.

We did a registry when we got married, but what we loved the most - we didn't care if anyone got us a present, but we kept getting asked where we were registered, so we finally did a small registry - was the presence of our friends and family at our wedding/reception. I don't agree with Xtina that it's about being rewarded for finding a husband. It's a celebration of two people officially joining their lives together - male / female, male / male, whatever - and wanting to share that happiness with others. At least, for us it was.

FWIW we are gifty people in general. We send gift baskets to friends thanking them for letting us stay at their house, we send things to mark occasions, like when my best friend's husband made partner, we do a lot of "just because" gifts. So getting a gift for a wedding is just another opportunity to show our friends that we love and care about them. We don't feel that it has to be pricey, we just want it to be special to the recipient.

lynnie · Chanel

The more that I think about it, it isn't about gifts. I am gifty myself and love treating my friends. I guess I just can't see myself, the same age as my friend, buying a blender or a striped towel collection for her house. I just can't. It makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. I can't shake the feeling. I don't want my present to be the trash can she uses every day. I feel too young for that, and it is freaking me out. That is some of it. She has a huge family, and I'm sure the registry is partially for the older guests that wouldn't know what to get her otherwise. I just feel like I know her too well to buy her something like that.

I came on here because I wanted to know what was status quo. I have no idea. But I think I am just going to have a conversation with her and tell her that I want to get her something special for her wedding. I can make her a special piece of jewelry or buy a lovely dress from work, and include something personal for her husband as well. I think I may just avoid the registry all together. She has always been very well provided for (I don't mean that as a slam), so I think she'd appreciate the thought more than anything on her registry.

dangergirl · Kate Spade

I can definitely relate to the extra expense of buying gifts - my cousin got married recently in Ireland, so on top of travelling there, accommodation, getting something suitable to wear and expenses for our time there, it was quite a lot of money and I couldn't put any money into my savings account for 2 months. I think a personal gift like making a piece of jewellery would be a really nice present.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

atlgirl wrote:

FWIW we are gifty people in general. We send gift baskets to friends thanking them for letting us stay at their house, we send things to mark occasions, like when my best friend's husband made partner, we do a lot of "just because" gifts. So getting a gift for a wedding is just another opportunity to show our friends that we love and care about them. We don't feel that it has to be pricey, we just want it to be special to the recipient.

I think this has a lot to do with the way I feel - I have had several big accomplishments go unnoticed (promotions, graduations, new place) and it feels like the single gal gets the short end of the stick. If you are married and wonderfully in love, and generous with generous friends, I wouldn't expect understanding.

blubirde · Chanel

I just remembered what I did for SIL's baby shower last year. I wasn't able to make it and planned on giving her a gift at the baby's arrival (in your case this would correspond to the wedding). Since I wasn't attending the shower, I wasn't obligated to get a gift but I wanted her to know I was thinking about her. I emailed the hostess of the shower and asked what the themes/colors were for the shower and had flowers delivered the day of to the shower site. My SIL had flowers for the next week from me, and I was able to make a presence at the shower even though I wasn't there.

I feel you about the gift thing. When I was getting out of college and my first real wedding came about (an old roommate), I felt soo lame getting something from her registry that wasn't personal to me or our relationship in any way. I didn't have a lot of money at the time, so my choices were limited but I figured if she spent the time to register, I could spend the time to get her something, even if I did feel completely unoriginal and unthoughtful.

Now though, when I buy from the registry, I try to add some small decorative touch to the gift. For instance one of my friends registered for napkins, placemats, tablecloths, etc. I knew she was not super into design or decorating (not an insult, just not one of her strengths), so I got a bunch of coordinating table items in the colors of her dining things. Part of my gift was from her registry and part of my gift was stuff I picked out on my own, which I know she appreciated because we have a history of me helping her pick stuff out like that. Sounds weird but it worked well.

Maybe you can talk with your friend about some kind of jewelry she might like to wear at her wedding or for her rehearsal dinner. Maybe you could make/find that for her and it would be really personal for both of you and make you feel a little better about the wedding gift process.

FWIW I understand how you feel. I don't think you're knocking the gifting process of weddings, just the completely unoriginal nature of registry giving. But really, when you think about it, they picked out all the items on the registry so you know a) they don't have them and b) they want them. Those are two factors you don't usually know when buying a gift for a person/couple, right?

Have you talked with any of the other BMs? It's sooo much easier to get one, big BM gift (so you can get them something nice from the registry), than for each person to get something small. You might want to see if any of the others are interested in doing a BM gift. Sure would solve one problem!

atlgirl · Gucci

lynnie wrote:

I think I am just going to have a conversation with her and tell her that I want to get her something special for her wedding. I can make her a special piece of jewelry or buy a lovely dress from work, and include something personal for her husband as well. I think I may just avoid the registry all together. She has always been very well provided for (I don't mean that as a slam), so I think she'd appreciate the thought more than anything on her registry.

I think that would be a wonderful gift that she'd cherish. What a great idea!

atlgirl · Gucci

XtinaStyles wrote:

I think this has a lot to do with the way I feel - I have had several big accomplishments go unnoticed (promotions, graduations, new place) and it feels like the single gal gets the short end of the stick. If you are married and wonderfully in love, and generous with generous friends, I wouldn't expect understanding.

I'm not sure how to take that last comment. I didn't start being "gifty" once I got married. And we give gifts to single people too, not just couples. I didn't marry until I was 31, and had plenty of new places and promotions but never felt left out if someone didn't acknowledge me with a present. Many of our friends are not as gifty as we are, but we are not keeping track. We do it because we want to.