STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Tara · Dooney & Bourke

What can I do?! - I am going to cry.

boop · Nine West

She is insane!!

Karina · Chanel

No - you are totally not being selfish... you have your own life, your own agendas and not to mention you have a responsibility at work that does not include being your coworker's maid/chauffeur/courier.

What I would do in this situation is tell S that you feel very bad for her, and that you are sorry but you can't take time off of work and risk being late everyday to take her everywhere she needs to go.

I know you mean well and you are a sweetheart, but she is not your responsibility.

Good luck!

crystal · Kate Spade

i know, i say u suddenly become very "busy". say that u can't take her home anymore cuz ur taking a class. u can't take time off work cuz ur saving up for a trip. and ur SO bought u yoga lessons which u will be doing every morning before work. i dunno, these are just some examples, and i know it's very passive aggressive, but hey... desperate times call for desperate measures! i think if u get very busy, are very apologetic & maybe help her find alternatives to u (btw, i live in LA too & i took the bus for 2 months while i didn't have a car & one of my coworkers survived 5 years w/o a car in LA... granted this girl's on crutches, but people in wheel chairs take the bus so i think she can manage) then she will have to be less dependent on u. good luck!!

atlgirl · Gucci

Umm...how did you get from "taking her to surgery" to "taking her *everywhere*, and at her whim (to some degree)??

She's a manipulator, pure and simple. And you are allowing her to manipulate you just the way she wants to. Don't let her guilt you into things. Guilt is a useless emotion - don't give in to it!

<<She got very angry and said that if I didn't want to take her to work she would take the bus>>

How does she have any place to be very angry, as you are doing her a FAVOR, and if she can't be bothered to rent a car, have her mom come in, whatever...then she can damned well take the bus, IMO. She should be grateful that you are helping her, not irritated at how you do it, or that you might want to do it less...you are sweet to do as much as you do, but stop now before you feel even worse.

Has she offered to pay you for the gas, do something to compensate you for all the time involved (like, at least buy you lunch or something)? Anything?

Tara · Dooney & Bourke

quote:
Originally posted by: atlgirl
"Has she offered to pay you for the gas, do something to compensate you for all the time involved (like, at least buy you lunch or something)? Anything? "

I know I need to say something to her, but I am just SO ridiculously nonconfrontational. To be honest, she has been so agitated and bitter since her surgery, I am a little scared of her. I honestly think this may ruin our friendship. And I work is a VERY small company, so it would be quite awkward - especially because we work together a lot.

As for the money...I actually didn't want to bring this up thinking I would look cheap. BUT, when I filled her 1st prescription, the bill was literally $5. When she asked how much it was, I told her not to worry about it. But, since then I spent ~$80 getting her stuff. And she hasn't even mentioned paying me back once - and her surgery was about one week ago.

Boop - I am telling her that I am meeting you after work and I cannot take her home tomorrow. That will give her plenty of time to plan another ride. I do worry about her taking the bus because she is new to crutches, and very unstable.

Ok - I need to do something.........

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

This type of person does a number on me too. I don't think you can save the friendship, because she will only like you if you do what she wants. But I would stop helping her. She's probably going to start bad mouthing you, so it couldn't hurt to get your side of the story out there pretty fast. Just say a few times "I really wanted to work late last night, but User needed a ride home, and it was too far to come back..." and "I usually get in earlier in the morning, but User doesn't want to be picked up until 9 a.m. - you know how hard it is for her to get around in the morning..." Also, tell her "I know you probably want to give me some gas money for all the trips I've been making... but really, just buy me lunch a few times...."

Oh, and when I had a coworker who kept "forgetting" to renew her driver's license, I drove her home a few times, and then just told her I had a big work project and couldn't take her home that day. Then whenever she asked, I just said the project was killing me. She still badmouthed me, but I hid behind the "project" and it wasn't too bad.

Good luck! You're so nice to put up with her...

bumblebee · Dooney & Bourke

i don't know--i feel like this girl is in a pretty bad jam, it sounds like she doesn't really have anyone else to rely upon, and i think that you are putting major deposits into your karma bank. it seems like you offered to help her (and continue to do so) out of the kindness of your heart, and you are not the type of person who is going to just all of a sudden cut her off.

i think there are ways in which you could continue to be a nice person and help her while also relieving some of the resentment. first, just take a deep breath and realize that you are doing something unbelievably kind and you have a right to protect yourself. is there no one else in the office that could help her during the day (getting ice, etc.)? i think that could be the first annoyance to go--when she IMs you just say that you are busy on deadline, boss hovering above desk, whatever. she will figure it out soon--if you cannot satisfy her every whim, she will look to other sources. and the thing with having to take her to work and leave when she wants--that is untrue. you do not have to cater to her schedule--you drive, you make the rules. just be firm with her--tell her that you need to get to work by x time and will be picking her up at x time. don't let her make your decisions for you. and i don't think the owing money thing should be an issue--give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she doesn't realize she owes you money. just bring it up in a casual way "oh hey, here are your receipts for various things from the past week or so. if you could write me a check when you get a chance, that would be great." any normal person would not take offense to that--they are her expenses, not yours.

blubirde · Chanel

Wow - I would freak out if this was happening to me. I would definitely say something. I think honesty is the best policy. I'd just tell her I was sorry she was going through a tough time and I don't mind helping her out every now and then but I can not run her errands for her all the time, be late to and from work every day, and continue to pay for her purchases.

Of course, you could always go with a little less honesty and tell her your boss said something about you being gone so much or getting some project done a little later than usual and that you're going to have to be working earlier and later to try to make up all the time you took off with her. And of course it's not her fault, but bosses are such the pain, aren't they? And seriously, you still have that coupon for a rental car for her, because you'd hate to see her try and get around on the bus with crutches. And you know she was asked about the costs of prescriptions and such, and it was only around $80, so if she wants to buy you lunches a few times over the next month, that would work. Of course you understand if she'd rather just pay you back, instead of deal with the complicated lunch issue, but whatever works best for her.

However you choose to do it, use "I" statements - they're way less confrontational than "you" statements.

And you're totally not being out of line. I would have told her to "back off bitch" a long time ago. And I consider myself a fairly nice person.

carmenb513 · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: atlgirl
"Umm...how did you get from "taking her to surgery" to "taking her *everywhere*, and at her whim (to some degree)?? She's a manipulator, pure and simple. And you are allowing her to manipulate you just the way she wants to. Don't let her guilt you into things. Guilt is a useless emotion - don't give in to it! <<She got very angry and said that if I didn't want to take her to work she would take the bus>> How does she have any place to be very angry, as you are doing her a FAVOR, and if she can't be bothered to rent a car, have her mom come in, whatever...then she can damned well take the bus, IMO. She should be grateful that you are helping her, not irritated at how you do it, or that you might want to do it less...you are sweet to do as much as you do, but stop now before you feel even worse. Has she offered to pay you for the gas, do something to compensate you for all the time involved (like, at least buy you lunch or something)? Anything? "

Sorry maybe I'm mean...But I DO NOT play those reindeer games. Time is money! I would just flat out tell her you can no longer pick her up, and be her errand girl. Funny she seemed to have made out just fine before sugery. Im with you ATLGIRL!

Tati · Chanel

I agree with atlgirl!

Say something to her! You need to pump yourself up and go up to her and tell her nicely that you cant keep doing what your doing. She's using you and you sure as hell dont deserve that kind of treatment from her! I dont know how someone can do that to you, I would feel so quilty. And if she dosen't, then its a friend you need to stay away from and just keep it in the business. If she talks crap, let her, I'm sure all your co-workers know what you've been doing for her and she'll look like the idiot.
Hey! I'll call her for you and tell her to chill and call her mother! That's what her mom should be doing!

theotherjess · Chanel

I think bumblebee said it perfectly. Help her out but let her know it WILL be under your conditions and that you WILL be sticking to your routine.

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

quote:
Originally posted by: Karina
"No - you are totally not being selfish... you have your own life, your own agendas and not to mention you have a responsibility at work that does not include being your coworker's maid/chauffeur/courier.
What I would do in this situation is tell S that you feel very bad for her, and that you are sorry but you can't take time off of work and risk being late everyday to take her everywhere she needs to go.
I know you mean well and you are a sweetheart, but she is not your responsibility.
Good luck!"

I agree with Karina, either way you have to say something to her. She's totally taking advantage of you

-- Edited by rosie_the_riveter at 23:44, 2005-03-15

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: bumblebee
"i don't know--i feel like this girl is in a pretty bad jam, it sounds like she doesn't really have anyone else to rely upon, and i think that you are putting major deposits into your karma bank. it seems like you offered to help her (and continue to do so) out of the kindness of your heart, and you are not the type of person who is going to just all of a sudden cut her off. i think there are ways in which you could continue to be a nice person and help her while also relieving some of the resentment. "

I'm with bumblebee but I also think this girl is a manipulator and you have to put your foot down!

f413 · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: Tara
" I know I need to say something to her, but I am just SO ridiculously nonconfrontational. To be honest, she has been so agitated and bitter since her surgery, I am a little scared of her. I honestly think this may ruin our friendship.

She is not showing respect or appreciation towards you so i would no longer consider your relationship with her a "friendship." I had a situation where I offered a co-worker rides (or rather she asked me for rides because we lived in the same town) and she would criticize my driving and just bitch and complain in general and make inappropriate remarks. After four days I just said "oh, i'm not going straight home" "I have to meet someone" "I have plans" etc. This woman is treating you like crap, you owe it to yourself to ditch her. She's an adult she'll get by without you.

lynnie · Chanel

The thread title says it all. You need to say or do something like everyone has said. She shouldn't make you cry! Even if she IS in a bad spot- she does NOT seem like the kind of person that you would want to keep around. Do your coworkers like her, or do they have similar complaints? Maybe they can all help out. You said it's a small company- why isn't anyone else being as understanding?

Maddie · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: bumblebee
"i don't know--i feel like this girl is in a pretty bad jam, it sounds like she doesn't really have anyone else to rely upon, and i think that you are putting major deposits into your karma bank. it seems like you offered to help her (and continue to do so) out of the kindness of your heart, and you are not the type of person who is going to just all of a sudden cut her off.
i think there are ways in which you could continue to be a nice person and help her while also relieving some of the resentment. first, just take a deep breath and realize that you are doing something unbelievably kind and you have a right to protect yourself. is there no one else in the office that could help her during the day (getting ice, etc.)? i think that could be the first annoyance to go--when she IMs you just say that you are busy on deadline, boss hovering above desk, whatever. she will figure it out soon--if you cannot satisfy her every whim, she will look to other sources. and the thing with having to take her to work and leave when she wants--that is untrue. you do not have to cater to her schedule--you drive, you make the rules. just be firm with her--tell her that you need to get to work by x time and will be picking her up at x time. don't let her make your decisions for you. and i don't think the owing money thing should be an issue--give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she doesn't realize she owes you money. just bring it up in a casual way "oh hey, here are your receipts for various things from the past week or so. if you could write me a check when you get a chance, that would be great." any normal person would not take offense to that--they are her expenses, not yours. "

I think bumblee is exactly right. You're situation sucks, and the woman sounds like kind of a bitch or just really socially awkward. However, she needs you and you don't sound like the type to just drop her. I would follow bumblebee's advice to continue helping her out, but not ruin your life by doing so.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

This woman sounds like a horrible horrible person.. She is selfish and greedy and totally taking advantage of your niceness..

You are trying to be a friend, not a servant.. You MUST say something right away!

blink · Coach

Turn off your IM. But before you do, ask if she needs anything, that way you can take care of what she will need at her desk all at once.

When she asked you to stay at the Dr's with her, you should have said a flat NO. You also could have come up with some excuse, like need to pick up something at the grocery store or go to the bank. What is rude about coming to pick her up when her appt was over?? Maybe you should have looked at her like "are you kidding?" when she asked you to stay, that's ridiculous.

Itemize what you have spent on her for prescriptions, food, gas, etc. and give it to her NOW. Otherwise time will keep on passing and she will fail to realize what it all adds up to. To her defense, I bet she is visualizing it all as a couple bucks here and there. It's not like she is paying you some sort of extra service fee, this is all money she would have spent on herself if she were capable.

Sorry, she should be getting to and leaving work WHEN YOU DO, on your schedule. You are not her personal driver, she is simply hitching a ride with you. Otherwise, yes, the bus is the right option. That is NOT rude. You can tell her that you didn't mean your offer to drive her to work any other way but as a favor to pick her up and drop her off on your way.

As for the physical therapy, I suggest you offer to take her when YOU have the time or when you want to. Perhaps she will take a hint and either schedule her therapy around you OR finally realize she needs her mom around.

I don't think you need to "confront" her on the issue. People like this are unfair arguers anyway. Just kindly stand your ground, as if it is NOT OPEN FOR DEBATE. Remember she needs you, so if she has any kind of a brain, she will treat you with more respect when she realizes that she might lose your help soon.

Tara · Dooney & Bourke

Thanks everyone for your advice and support! I feel much better today. On our ride home last night, I told S that I was fine taking her to/from work, but that she has to understand that I am really busy with a project right now and I may be working some long hours. I also told her that she can borrow my car to drive to physical therapy, but that I cannot leave work to take her.

Then I told her that if she is having trouble getting to the bank, she can pay me back via check - I don't mind....heeeeheeee...how sneaky am I??!

And I don't completely agree that she doesn't have any other options. Her mother is very affluent and long retired. She wanted to fly out here to care for S. I told her that it was a good idea to have her mother out here. S was the one who said she could manage without her mom......though S's idea of managing involves me.....

Hopefully it will be better - thanks so much girls!!!