STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Irene · Dooney & Bourke

Serious - What would you do?

Hermes

Oh, Irene...

Have you told him how you feel about staying in that house? Have you considered proposing a compromise - you would stay there for the sake of him taking care of his mother, but when the day comes that he will no longer need to do this, would he compromise by moving but still holding onto the property to rent out? How does he feel about raising children there? Was he raised there and he thinks he turned out just fine and his kids would too? Do you think his primary interest in staying there is because it's paid for? I really think he needs to compromise - this seems a little late in the game to spring on you now...

blubirde · Chanel

This sounds like a really tough position to be in. I'm not sure if I can offer any advice, but if no compromises can be made, as detroit suggested, which can you not live without? Your fiance or a place of your own? What a horrible decision to have to make! That said, it seems like the living situation is something that can be compromised on.

I'm don't know your financial situation but is there anyway to get any help for his mother, other than yourselves? Can you make an arrangement with the sister? I know you said she doesn't help but would she if she was paid or received free or discounted rent or something? Can y'all not live somewhere else and still take care of his mother? Is there any way? Maybe if you can put together some viable options for your fiance, he would be more open to the idea of moving out? What about moving into a place and having a room set up for his mother? Is that an option?

Again, I agree with detroit. It does seem like this is a bit late in the game to be springing this on you.

poptart · Coach

Irene, this sucks. I am sorry.

Anyway, I agree that it seems to me that a compromise would be more fair. This is just my opinion, but it is what I would do. I would narrow down the things that I didn't like about the housing situation into 4-5 specific, important things. Then I would brainstorm possible solutions to those problems. Then I would think of 4-5 things that the two of you could do to address what you believe are his top concerns about moving (depending on how much you've talked about this, you might need to do this with him). Then I would approach your fiance and talk to him about the situation. Another thing to think about is: what if you were in his position? What would you want your partner to do? I completely agree with you that you shouldn't have to live there, but family is important, and I'm sure he needs to hear that you support him in terms of his need to be there for his family --- but there is probably another solution that would be a workable compromise.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Oh, I reallly feel for you -what a hard position to be in! I would approach the question with the idea that you both want his mother to be taken care of, and that this situation isn't the best for her.

It sounds like your husbands concern is his mother, and your concern is feeling like your life is controlled by other people. Bless her heart if she's sick, but I have to ask, is his mother overbearing? Why do you have no say in the house? Is it because everyone else has been there longer? Does his mother, or sister, set impossible standards for you to try to keep the status quo? Who's doing the most work to keep the household running the way it is? The answers to these questions should help you lfind some way to give your fiance what he wants, while still allowing you to have an adult life.

After all, your adult life is paying your bills, and eventually hers too, so it has to be a priority. Also, if you are unhappy, you wont' be able to manage your life or hers, so it's in his mother's interest to keep you happy.

This isn't really an either-or proposition, though. Could his mother move to a new place with you? Is your fiance set up to handle her affairs? Can you sell the house and use the proceeds to pay for her upkeep and medical bills and maybe a nurse? Is the work too much for you? I think it would be for anyone, and if you work outside the home there's really no way you can adequately provide for his mother. If you don't have medical training, you're probably not the best person to be caring for his mother anyway. And even small towns should have a senior citizens center that can help with the grocery shopping, company for her, rides to doctor's appointments, things like that.

Good luck!

PS - make that sister pay for some too. A little "I know how much you want to help and was thinking x would be your share..." should guilt her into it. But I wouldn't move into open warfare or you'll never get anything out of her.

blink · Coach

I will say this much, if it were me and my mom, I would not let anyone tell me not to live with her and care for her. So I do not advise giving your fiance an ultimatum.

On the other hand, I couldn't imagine having to live with my mother-in-law, but of course, she's completely capable, if she were not, I would brace myself and welcome her to my house.

Is there any possibility of planning in the next couple years or so to maybe find two new residences very nearby each other? I had a friend in high school who grew up living on the same neighborhood street as her widowed grandmother. That living situation was obviously planned.

My mother is single, I do keep in the back of my head that someday I want her to live next door to me. Sometimes I think of purposefully buying a home with an ajoining apartment specifically for my mother to live with me when she is elderly. I have a brother and a sister, but I can't envision them really doing the work that might be needed for an elderly mom.

Oh, and you can't "make" that sister of his do or pay for anything, if she doesn't help, just assume she's out of the equation. AND a home nurse is very expensive, really good and caring nursing homes (the few!) are expensive. Basic home care for the elderly can be easily learned, it doesn't require medical training, the best care an elderly and disabled person can get is from patient family who really cares, loves and listens. It sounds like your MIL is really lucky to have your fiance as her son.

bean · Kenneth Cole

I think lorelie's idea of finding a place a few blocks away is a good one. That way he can continue to take care of his mom which of course is admirable, and you and he can have a place of your own, and not live in mommy's house.

carmenb513 · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: bean
"I think lorelie's idea of finding a place a few blocks away is a good one. That way he can continue to take care of his mom which of course is admirable, and you and he can have a place of your own, and not live in mommy's house."

I like bean's suggestion. There is NO WAY IN HECK I could fathom living (2 family or not) with my mother (and we get along fine) or anyone elses.My great grandmother lived 2 houses from me for most of my life and it worked out fine, she is now living in a 1 level condo which is about 1/2 a block from grandmother. Sorry girls hate to sound graphic but I can't picture me and my man you know........and his mom is downstairs...............WOOF!Sorry Irene that wasn't much help but I'll pray that you'll come to a resolve that both of you can be satisfied with.