STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

crystal · Kate Spade

When a friend hates your boyfriend...

bumblebee · Dooney & Bourke

it seems like if she feels that strongly, you deserve to have her give you her reasons. it's not fair of her to say just across-the-board she doesn't like him without giving any explanation.

could it be that she is jealous that you are spending your time with him now instead of her? if you suspect that, maybe forcing them to hang out together is not a good solution. dedicating some special friend-time to go get a drink (or whatever you like to do together) with her one-on-one might be the better approach.

rocky · Coach

Well, it sounds like your cousin has no reason not to like your boyfriend. I don't think you should break up with him if he is being nice. She is the one that is being unreasonable. If she cared as much about you, she would try to like him. How long have you been dating? If you really care about the guy talk to your cousin about her behavior.

blubirde · Chanel

I agree with the other women. If she's your best friend, she owes you an explanation as to why she doesn't like him. Plus, she should understand your feelings for him and try to be friendly with him for your sake, especially if she can't articulate a real reason for disliking him.

My roommate and I are best friends (we've lived together for 7 years) and I disliked ALL the boys she brought home (ha! like I'm her mother or something) except for two. One of those two she is engaged to now, so I think I was a good judge of character. I disliked the guys because they were not good enough for her, were jerks, or whatever, but there was only ONE ever that I refused to hang around with or be nice to. (Personal reasons - he was a friend's ex and he was scary.) I can't imagine your cousin loves you more than I love my best friend, so if I could be polite to all the losers she hung out with, I'm sure your cousin can make the effort to your boyfriend who doesn't sound like a bad guy at all. I think she owes it to you.

crystal · Kate Spade

well, i'm pretty sure she's not jealous (we have WAY different taste in guys & she "loves" her BF) and it's funny cuz she has been dating her bf for about 6 mos. & spends ALL her time w/ him, but i do sense that she's resents that i don't sit at home alone on weekends anymore & that i actually have someone to spend time w/ that makes me happy (at least that's how it seems sometimes). but i know it's not an issue of me neglecting her cuz there's nothing to neglect.

this all started the first weekend we all hung out. she was really quiet & wouldnt' talk to me or my BF even when we tried. after that weekend she's claimed that he doesn't like her, which duh, of course not when ur a b****, but she apologized to him for that weekend (a HUGE deal for her) and now thinks that he doesn't like her so she hates him even more. i've told her that's not true but then she says she "just doesn't like him". ugh!

Hermes

IMO - she doesn't like him because he diverts your attention from her.

FYI - no, blood is not thicker than water... trust me on this one.

blink · Coach

Sometimes people think they don't like someone and then later they open up after they get to know the person.

I have one good friend in particular, we met in 1995 at work, we didn't hang out at first, but later after we were already friends we went out drinking one night and she fessed up that she really didn't like me when we first met, she thought I was a snobby bitch....all because of ONE comment I made about underage clubs. I was kind of shocked that someone would have judged me by something so small, one sentence out of my mouth, but some people do this.

Just find out if she has real reasons and tell her to be frank with you even if she just has a hunch, find out why. Meanwhile, tell her to be nice to your boyfriend, no matter who he is, out of respect for YOU.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

it doesn't sound like your BF has given your cousin any reason to dislike him. as other posters have noted, i suspect she is resentful that someone is taking your time and focus away from her and your friendship. give it some time and see if you can spend time alone with her and also with him and her as part of a group. it's possible she'll warm up.

but remember, if you do break up with him just to appease her this same problem will arise the next time you're dating someone. it's not the guy who's the problem here -- it's her reaction to him.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Your best friend loves you, she wants the best for you, she owes it to you to be polite to your boyfriend.

Having said that, personally, I once had "the ick" for the fiance of a very good friend. every time I talked to her, she said something that made me just want to go "what?" and it wasn't like she was mean or anything, she just bugged me. (I thought she was hypocritical, preachy, stuffy, blah, blah, blah) I tried to be polite, I never told my friend directly that his fiance made me want to crawl out of my skin, but he could tell we weren't hitting it off. His solution was a four-day cross country trip with my then-fiance. She was totally nice. I was very polite. It was HORRIBLE. Worst four days of my life. There is nothing more hellish than being trapped in a strange place with someone you don't like but have to be nice to. The relationship NEVER recovered. Still, those two are still together and seem happy. So I may have been wrong.

On the other hand, I once dated a guy whose sister hated me for what seemed to me like absolutely no reason (she said she was offended by girly-girls, and she didn't like the 9-year age difference). He dumped me, and two months later he met a girl his entire family loved and they've been married for six years. So the sister was right.

Your best friend might just be trying to avoid forcing something with this trip. And really, having other people around might be a good idea. Still, she should NEVER get away with being rude to him. Besides, if you don't like someone, gushy sweet politeness sometimes makes the point better than snobby behavior, which just makes you look bad. And she neds to trust you enough to let things shake out the way they're going to. Good luck! This is a tough line to walk...

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: detroit
"IMO - she doesn't like him because he diverts your attention from her. FYI - no, blood is not thicker than water... trust me on this one."

I agree with detroit. She may be feeling a little left out of your life because you have a BF (assuming that you and the BF spend alot of time together). Not saying that she is jealous of you, but she may feel a little jealous that he is taking you away from her. If she really has no reason for disliking him she will probably come around after she gets to know him better. Usual girlfriend stuff that happens all the time:smile

crystal · Kate Spade

quote:
Originally posted by: ShanKel
" I agree with detroit. She may be feeling a little left out of your life because you have a BF (assuming that you and the BF spend alot of time together). Not saying that she is jealous of you, but she may feel a little jealous that he is taking you away from her. If she really has no reason for disliking him she will probably come around after she gets to know him better. Usual girlfriend stuff that happens all the time:smile"

i agree w/ all of u that it seems like she's jealous, but honestly i only see my BF on weekends & before i met him i would sit home alone all weekend cuz SHE was the one who spent all her time w/ her BF. i've tried to get them to hang out so they can at least have a chance to make friends but she always backs out at the last minute. we r gonna all go dancing this saturday w/ some of my friends from school so hopefully they will have a chance to bond then. the last time we went out dancing together, tho, she claims that he "didn't talk to her & was only hanging out w/ me". that's because she was immersed in her BF & wasn't talking to him either!

u all have been great tho. i've decided to stay w/ my bf because she's been w/ so many guys that i've had to put up w/ (and unlike her, i at least fake nice w/ them) so why should i break my back trying to make her comfy when she wouldn't do the same for me?

RyanJ · Coach

Jealousy isn't always rational. My boyfriend is a really great guy and I he has never given me a reason not to trust him. He will go w/ a group of guys about once a month and they will go do some sort of outdoorsy athletic guy thing- there are NO GIRLS ALLOWED EVER. That same day I usually hang out w/ my sister in law, but for some reason I am crazy jealous of his “testosterone day”. I have no idea why, but I hate it. I always let him go and never tell him how I feel because I don't want him to stop going (okay I do, but I also don't). I am not a jealous person at all, but for some reason this one thing really bothers. Makes no sense.

What I am trying to say it- maybe your cousin has no reason to be jealous and you don't think she does, but she still could. That is what it sounds like to me too.

lynnie · Chanel

How long have you been dating your bf (sorry if you already posted this)? Maybe she just isn't used to the fact that you have a bf. Also, like said, jealousy isn't always rational. Sometimes I get a slight pang of jealousy (though i'm actually happy for them, and would never act on it) when my usually single friends fall in love with someone. It's not that I'm not happy or that I don't have a great bf, but I'm sad that they're not always around for my "girls night" fun whenever I need it, and I am slightly jealous that they get to experience new love again. I have been with my bf for a long time, so I miss that new feeling, even if I don't actually want to meet anyone else. Selfish, I know. Or maybe she's just insecure that he doesn't like her, because she's already acted like a brat and is too proud to apologize. It could be a number of things, but if you are happy and he treats you well, there is absolutely no reason to break up with him over her.

crystal · Kate Spade

quote:
Originally posted by: lynnie
"How long have you been dating your bf (sorry if you already posted this)? Maybe she just isn't used to the fact that you have a bf. Also, like said, jealousy isn't always rational. Sometimes I get a slight pang of jealousy (though i'm actually happy for them, and would never act on it) when my usually single friends fall in love with someone. It's not that I'm not happy or that I don't have a great bf, but I'm sad that they're not always around for my "girls night" fun whenever I need it, and I am slightly jealous that they get to experience new love again. I have been with my bf for a long time, so I miss that new feeling, even if I don't actually want to meet anyone else. Selfish, I know. Or maybe she's just insecure that he doesn't like her, because she's already acted like a brat and is too proud to apologize. It could be a number of things, but if you are happy and he treats you well, there is absolutely no reason to break up with him over her. "

we've been dating for close to 2 months. i only see him on weekends cuz he lives about 3 hrs away so my weeks are completely free to hang out w/ my cousin, but usually she's w/ her bf so i only see her maybe 1 day during the week. the latest now is that we talked on friday & she reiterated that she has no reason but just doesn't like him. she said she would "try" to get along w/ him so we agreed to go out saturday night after i took my bf out for b-day dinner. i called her saturday evening b4 dinner to set things up & she didn't answer or call me back (which she's usually good about). after dinner i called her again & she picked up. she said she didn't think i was going to call & i'm like, i already did. she's like, oh i know. HUH?? i have no clue what that was about. anyways, i told her i was done w/ dinner & wanted to see what was up. she said they were just leaving for dinner (at 9:30pm) but were gonna get drinks after so i suggested we meet them after their dinner. she said ok. then we get home & she calls to tell me where they r going to dinner & that they r gonna have drinks there too. i tell her to call me when they are close to finishing dinner so we can drive over & have some drinks w/ them. then we go sit & wait for a call. in the meantime we fell asleep on the couch cuz she never called! we were supposed to go for a walk this AM so i called her yesterday to see if we were still on & no call back! what the hell did i do??? ugh!