STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

My bf sucks

katya · BCBG

I'm sorry you've been dealing with these immature a@#holes! I would be so PO'd if my bf was still hanging out with someone who has treated me the way you have been treated (multiple times). It is NOT okay for him to be friendly with people who obviously have no respect for you as a person. I know this sounds harsh, but your man seems to be either entirely too nice or a pushover/people-pleaser and you need to give him an ultimatum: dump those losers or you'll dump him. I know that may be a bit extreme, but your feeling should be more important to him than his friends' feelings. I hope everything works out for you, and I hope your bruises (physical & mental) are healing!

gruiz · Kenneth Cole

Judging by this post and previous posts about your bf, it sounds like he does not respect you at all. I don't know you personally, but you sound like an intelligent, beautiful person who deserves way better than he is giving you. How is he gonna let somebody HIT you for crissake, and still be friends with them? That's insane. By continuing to hang out with these people, he's showing you and anyone else familiar with the situation, that it's okay to disrespect you. He needs to start fighting FOR you, and making you a priority in his life.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I agree. He's sort of saying that them not being mad at him is more important than how you feel. Dump him. You'll find better.

Metric · Gucci

quote:
Originally posted by: gruiz
"Judging by this post and previous posts about your bf, it sounds like he does not respect you at all. I don't know you personally, but you sound like an intelligent, beautiful person who deserves way better than he is giving you. How is he gonna let somebody HIT you for crissake, and still be friends with them? That's insane. By continuing to hang out with these people, he's showing you and anyone else familiar with the situation, that it's okay to disrespect you. He needs to start fighting FOR you, and making you a priority in his life."

I'm sorry if you think it sounds really harsh, but I tend to agree with Gruiz.

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

okay, i'm relatively new to this board so i wasn't going to say anything- but i need to put in my two cents! i agree with everyone's posts that your boyfriend isn't giving you the respect that you deserve. however, i don't think you should be too quick to break up with him. have you sat down and told him how this makes you feel? if not, you should definitely make your feelings known to him- he might not even realize how much this upsets you. you'd be surprised how people can perceive situations completely differently. especially men, they can be pretty clueless AND they tend to relate to their friends differently than women do. that said, i'm not trying to make excuses for him at all. my advice would be to seriously discuss this with him. if he modifies his behavior, great. if not, show him the door. good luck!!

doveanunu · Dooney & Bourke

wow, I hate to say it but that would be a deal-breaker for me.

cat · Marc Jacobs

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but dump his ass. You do not need to put up with his shit. Form what you have said it sounds like he is making you miserable. I know it is hard,but it sounds like it is time for you to move on.

Cricket · Gucci

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds to me like this situation is pretty serious. These people assaulted you. He should have nothing to do with them. He is showing you zero respect by hanging out with them. I can't say that you should break up with him, because I don't know you except for here, but this is huge. Don't blow it off.

-- Edited by Cricket at 20:40, 2005-02-17

halleybird · Hermes

That's sad.

I don't think your BF sounds like a bad guy...just immature. There's nothing deal-breaking about being immature, but you will have to decide if you can live with stuff like this. Do you think b/c he was drunk that night that maybe he doesn't remember how bad it was?

honey · Gucci

it's a tough call. i definitely would not put up with it...but i think there's a lot of validity to the argument that he just doesn't realize how much it hurts you (emotionally and physically) when he hangs out with them. i also don't think it's okay for him to say j shouldn't apologize to you. granted you don't want to speak to him again, but there's no excuse for violence. and imo j (and his sis) should be begging for your forgiveness.

kenzie · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: halleybird
"That's sad. I don't think your BF sounds like a bad guy...just immature. There's nothing deal-breaking about being immature, but you will have to decide if you can live with stuff like this. Do you think b/c he was drunk that night that maybe he doesn't remember how bad it was?"

That's part of the problem. He was so wasted that he doesn't remember anything except the actual hitting (which was the tail-end of the situation). He's not as bad as all of these posts make him sound. He actually does a lot of things right, but this situation is so big and he isn't taking it seriously. He says that he's been friends with J for a while and that people deserve a second chance. Second chance my ass. And guess what, J is sitting in my living room right now as I'm typing this. He knows how I feel. I've told him that it upsets me, but I don't think that he really gets the extent of that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this.

Hermes

can you take a break at your mom's or a girlfriend's house or something? you can tell him you're having a really hard time understanding how he can continue a friendship with someone who has been so disrespectful to you - someone he loves - and that you really need some time to think things through about whether or not the relationship is right for you and just need to get away for a week or two.

If this is something you would consider, I would seriously take time to re-think whether or not this is a healthy and supportive relationship. You may love him, and I'm sure he has some good qualities, but this is not acceptable behavior and you deserve better treatment than this.

Something else that may help you view this objectively is think about what advice you would give if this was happening to a girlfriend of your's. How would you view her situation and what would you advise her to do?

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say to take care of yourself, and that I hope things get better. The way he's acting right now when you need his support the most just totally sucks!

Mia · Kate Spade

I agree with everything Detroit said. He's not all bad, and it seems like you love him, but the bottom line is his behaviour is unacceptable. If I was in this situation, or if you were a close friend of mine, I would either be getting out of it *right away* or advising as much. This is no small matter and 'immaturity' or no, it's a huge deal that he's spending time with someone (in your house!) who physically assulted you in his presence! I think time away is a great idea.

If he *does* already understand how you feel and he contonues to spend time with this person, I'm sorry but in my opinion you don't have much of a choice.

I'm sorry this is happening, Nylabelle, you seem like such a kind person - you certainly don't deserve it.

jess · Kenneth Cole

Hey, while I can't sit here and say, "dump him," I can say that he's just being really insensitive to your situation. I see from his point that hes been friends with this person for awhile & he probably doesn't see the severity of what happened. If I were you, I'd communicate to him how it makes you feel, like I mean spell it out CLEARLY, b/c men dont get beating around the bush if you know what i mean, and tell him that you are uncomfortable!!! Its completely insensitive of him, but he just may not even realize it. Communicate!!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

He invited him to your house? Incredible! I'm so sorry you're going through this. For what it's worth, this is what I think....

It sounds like he has heard over and over again that this makes you very uncomfortable. And it sounds like not being friends with this guy makes him very uncomfortable. Explaining it one more time probably won't do anything. He should be the one explaining. Has he said why this friendship is so important? Why he thinks it's ok to invite someone who has HIT you to your home? Articulated what, exactly, is his hang up? Is this one of those "I know he's a jerk but we're friends..." friendships? Does he HAVE a line for how poorly people can treat you before he will stop talkign to them? What makes this friendship so special? Is the friendship more special than you? Is he thinking "girls come and go, but buddies are forever..." Or does he think violence is OK? Does he think you're making too big a deal out of it?

I seriously don't think his problem is that he doesn't understand you're upset. Men are smarter than we give them credit for. His problem is that he values this friendship despite the fact that his friend hit you. And you deserve to know why. He's the one that needs to state, clearly and unequivocably, what exactly is going on in his head.

Good luck. He may be a great guy, but lots of great guys do incredibly hurtful things, and inviting someone who hit your girlfriend over to your girlfriend's house is way past clueless. It's wrong. And he has to have a reason for why he thinks it's OK. And if he won't tell you anything, walk. He may come after you, he may not, either way, you can end the speculation on how important you are to him. And you do NOT need to keep someone who would allow you to be hurt in your life. Life is way too short for that.

blubirde · Chanel

NB I am so sorry! I just read about the Worst Night Ever (it officially was). What a horrible situation! Your bruises probably aren't all gone yet and your bf has J over at your house. I'm mad just thinking about it and it didn't even happen to me.

Forget harsh - think reality. You bf may have good qualities but they do not outweigh this situation. It's not only unacceptable for him to continue to be friends with J (much less invite him to your house - I can't even comprehend that) but it's downright wrong.

Honestly NB, it's not worth what you're going through and have gone through, both physically and mentally, to be with a guy. Even if he is a great guy (which I highly doubt after this situation). Sometimes when you're really close to a situation, it's hard to see it clearly. If you have a sister, imagine what you would tell her if she were in your same situation. Or even a good friend. It's not okay and it's not all right. It's wrong and you DO NOT deserve, in any way, to be subjected to this kind of treatment. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be treated as such. If he can't appreciate you (or even respect you), leave. Get away. IMO, he's not worth what it costs you to stay in the relationship. At the very least think about it.

It's a pretty serious deal. You need some love, girl. ((hugs))

atlgirl · Gucci

Not only does your bf suck, but what are you saying about YOURSELF if you stay with him? If you stay with him and he stays friends with J, you are tacitly giving approval to the situation. That, and the fact that your bf seems to value the friendship with J over the fact that J abused you, will do nothing for your own self-respect / self-esteem. My husband would have a royal fit if one of his friends hit me (drunk or not) and he certainly wouldn't be friends with that person anymore.

I would strongly suggest you consider what you want from your relationship, and if it's respect (which it sounds like it is), you certainly aren't getting that from your bf. What are the overwhelming good qualities that make you want to stay with this guy? Because it sounds like you're a voice in the wilderness here...the dragged-out slob roommate issue (where your bf either ignored, or gave lip service to, your issues), now this...where, it seems, your bf is again being dismissive of your feelings...there's no way in hell I'd stick around in a relationship where someone's behavior (IMO) was so clearly indicating that I was not important to them. You deserve (anyone deserves!) better than that. *hugs*

kenzie · Chanel

I'm really not sure what I'm going to do. We live together and I really don't have the means to move out right now (I'm paying off all of my debt and need to buy a new car--if I move out, I will be carless when my car dies. I also need to buy a new computer b/c mine died about a month ago). I can't move to my mom's house b/c that's too far from work (I would have a 2 hour+ commute, which my piece of crap car cannot handle). So, I'm stuck here for now, unfortunately.

atlgirl, I agree, I feel like a voice in the wilderness. As far as the roommate situation (who, by the way, has not moved out yet and continues to stink up the house. Yesterday, he smelled so bad when he got home from work, I really thought that I was going to vomit. I had to leave the room. Truly disgusting.), my bf says that he's been friends with him for 8 years and he doesn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him to move out. My response to that, was, 'so it's okay to hurt your girlfriend's feelings (who you say you love) just so that the fat slob can continue to destroy your property?' He responded with, "That's your choice." Which I find to be a complete cop-out of an answer. My choice?? What the hell is my choice? Stay and live with this slob (whose filth is making me physically ill--there is so much dirt and filth that I am constantly on antibiotics for sinus and allergy problems) or move out and not have a car or a computer? Great options. So, I am absolutely stuck and I can't break up with him while I live in the house. He'll make things even more miserable for me.

What this boils down to, in my opinion, (because I know him really well) is that he is caught between his old frat boy lifestyle (with his annoying frat boy friends who don't have girlfriends and probably never will b/c they are a bunch of idiots) and a grown up lifestyle and he just doesn't know how to handle it. It's like he bounces back and forth between the two and it makes me crazy. He's also sooooooooo non-confrontational. He never wants any kind of conflict, even if it's necessary to resolve a situation, so instead, he just ignores things until it becomes expolosive. And, he actually got all holy-roller on me with the J situation--"people make mistakes, he said he's sorry and you have to forgive people." Whatever. That doesn't mean that you have to invite them back to your house. (For the record, it wasn't J who hit me, it was his sister. J just hurled awful verbal insults).

The thing is, he's fine when he's not around these idiots. And he has to move to Jersey for his job in less than a year, so these idiots will no longer be around, so the problem may solve itself. Without these idiots to egg him on (which I know they do b/c they want their frat buddy back), he will be forced to deal with life without them. But I don't understand why he thinks that they are such good friends to him. They are insanely jealous that he has a girlfriend and they don't. Instead of being happy for him, they try to do things to break us up and get us mad at each other like we're in junior high. It's quite ridiculous. My friends would never behave like this. And he does have other 'grown-up' married friends or friends with girlfriends or fiances and I like him and them so much better than these idiot frat boys. So, that's my rambling. Nothing is resolved. It's a waiting game.