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Post Info TOPIC: My bf sucks
blubirde


Chanel

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RE: RE: My bf sucks
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quote:
Originally posted by: NylaBelle
"I'm really not sure what I'm going to do. We live together and I really don't have the means to move out right now (I'm paying off all of my debt and need to buy a new car--if I move out, I will be carless when my car dies. I also need to buy a new computer b/c mine died about a month ago).  I can't move to my mom's house b/c that's too far from work (I would have a 2 hour+ commute, which my piece of crap car cannot handle).  So, I'm stuck here for now, unfortunately. atlgirl, I agree, I feel like a voice in the wilderness.  As far as the roommate situation (who, by the way, has not moved out yet and continues to stink up the house. Yesterday, he smelled so bad when he got home from work, I really thought that I was going to vomit. I had to leave the room. Truly disgusting.), my bf says that he's been friends with him for 8 years and he doesn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him to move out.  My response to that, was, 'so it's okay to hurt your girlfriend's feelings (who you say you love) just so that the fat slob can continue to destroy your property?' He responded with, "That's your choice." Which I find to be a complete cop-out of an answer. My choice?? What the hell is my choice? Stay and live with this slob (whose filth is making me physically ill--there is so much dirt and filth that I am constantly on antibiotics for sinus and allergy problems) or move out and not have a car or a computer? Great options. So, I am absolutely stuck and I can't break up with him while I live in the house. He'll make things even more miserable for me.   What this boils down to, in my opinion, (because I know him really well) is that he is caught between his old frat boy lifestyle (with his annoying frat boy friends who don't have girlfriends and probably never will b/c they are a bunch of idiots) and a grown up lifestyle and he just doesn't know how to handle it.  It's like he bounces back and forth between the two and it makes me crazy.  He's also sooooooooo non-confrontational. He never wants any kind of conflict, even if it's necessary to resolve a situation, so instead, he just ignores things until it becomes expolosive.  And, he actually got all holy-roller on me with the J situation--"people make mistakes, he said he's sorry and you have to forgive people." Whatever.  That doesn't mean that you have to invite them back to your house. (For the record, it wasn't J who hit me, it was his sister. J just hurled awful verbal insults).   The thing is, he's fine when he's not around these idiots.  And he has to move to Jersey for his job in less than a year, so these idiots will no longer be around, so the problem may solve itself.  Without these idiots to egg him on (which I know they do b/c they want their frat buddy back), he will be forced to deal with life without them.  But I don't understand why he thinks that they are such good friends to him.  They are insanely jealous that he has a girlfriend and they don't.  Instead of being happy for him, they try to do things to break us up and get us mad at each other like we're in junior high. It's quite ridiculous. My friends would never behave like this.  And he does have other 'grown-up' married friends or friends with girlfriends or fiances and I like him and them so much better than these idiot frat boys.  So, that's my rambling. Nothing is resolved. It's a waiting game. "

NylaBelle, can I be perfectly honest? It sounds like you're making excuses for him. To be completely fair, I don't actually know you or your boyfriend or your situation, so take this comment for what it's worth - potentially nothing. That said, you sound like someone who is desperately trying to make a situation work even though you have to know, in your heart of hearts, that it's not going to. It's a scary thing to leave a relationship, especially one that makes up a big part of your life. (I know of which I speak. I left a long-term relationship that I knew was bad but couldn't admit to until I had absolutely no choice. It was a mistake to stay in it as long as I did but leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.) And the hard part is that no one can no what goes on in your relationship except you. You're the only one who knows the good and bad times and what they really mean. That's just my two cents - ignore me completely if I'm totally wrong. It's been known to happen.


You said J didn't hit you, his sis did. But didn't you say your boyfriend stopped J when he was swinging at you? (Maybe not but I thought I read that in your post.) That seems just as bad.



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kenzie


Chanel

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Posts: 4919
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quote:
Originally posted by: blubirde
" NylaBelle, can I be perfectly honest? It sounds like you're making excuses for him. To be completely fair, I don't actually know you or your boyfriend or your situation, so take this comment for what it's worth - potentially nothing. That said, you sound like someone who is desperately trying to make a situation work even though you have to know, in your heart of hearts, that it's not going to. It's a scary thing to leave a relationship, especially one that makes up a big part of your life. (I know of which I speak. I left a long-term relationship that I knew was bad but couldn't admit to until I had absolutely no choice. It was a mistake to stay in it as long as I did but leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.) And the hard part is that no one can no what goes on in your relationship except you. You're the only one who knows the good and bad times and what they really mean. That's just my two cents - ignore me completely if I'm totally wrong. It's been known to happen. You said J didn't hit you, his sis did. But didn't you say your boyfriend stopped J when he was swinging at you? (Maybe not but I thought I read that in your post.) That seems just as bad."
My bf held J back from when he was coming towards me (who knows what the intent was).  Perhaps it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I've known my bf for two years and we were best friends before we started dating, so I do know him really well. I've also seen him date other girls and for the most part, he treats me way better than he treated them. He does spend most of his time with me, with the exception of his boys' nights (he invited me out with them on saturday, though b/c my friends bailed on me. Of course, this pissed off the friends that I was along, but he didn't care).  Like I said, he's caught between two worlds right now and the stupid frat boys will soon be too far away to hang out with, so the problem will be resolved. And as for the other girls I've watched him date, he never spent any time with them at all. They would call all the time and he would be busy with me or his friends or both.  He saw them maybe three times a month, whereas he sees me all the time.  So, I have seen some improvement. I think it was halleybird who said it may be immaturity and to some extent, she's right. I've watched him mature alot in the past few years and hopefully, he will continue to do so.

-- Edited by NylaBelle at 11:00, 2005-02-22

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
Date:
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quote:
Originally posted by: NylaBelle
"My bf held J back from when he was coming towards me (who knows what the intent was).  Perhaps it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I've known my bf for two years and we were best friends before we started dating, so I do know him really well. I've also seen him date other girls and for the most part, he treats me way better than he treated them. He does spend most of his time with me, with the exception of his boys' nights (he invited me out with them on saturday, though b/c my friends bailed on me. Of course, this pissed off the friends that I was along, but he didn't care).  Like I said, he's caught between two worlds right now and the stupid frat boys will soon be too far away to hang out with, so the problem will be resolved. And as for the other girls I've watched him date, he never spent any time with them at all. They would call all the time and he would be busy with me or his friends or both.  He saw them maybe three times a month, whereas he sees me all the time.  So, I have seen some improvement. I think it was halleybird who said it may be immaturity and to some extent, she's right. I've watched him mature alot in the past few years and hopefully, he will continue to do so. -- Edited by NylaBelle at 11:00, 2005-02-22"

I hope that's true and that these problems will all be memories soon! I hope you don't think I was judging you or anything - that's the problem with online communication - it's hard to really communicate sometimes. I'm sure you're right and I only offered my comments because I think you are a great person and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. Plus (and I'm sure you know where I'm coming from), sometimes I think people are going through the same things I went through just because there are similarities. How self-centered are we that we always think people's problems are the same as ours???


If everything is like you say it is then for you, patience will be a virtue. The good thing about patience though (isn't there a ketchup commercial about this?) is that eventually you'll get to the really great stuff.



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kenzie


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4919
Date:
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quote:
Originally posted by: blubirde
" I hope that's true and that these problems will all be memories soon! I hope you don't think I was judging you or anything - that's the problem with online communication - it's hard to really communicate sometimes. I'm sure you're right and I only offered my comments because I think you are a great person and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. Plus (and I'm sure you know where I'm coming from), sometimes I think people are going through the same things I went through just because there are similarities. How self-centered are we that we always think people's problems are the same as ours??? If everything is like you say it is then for you, patience will be a virtue. The good thing about patience though (isn't there a ketchup commercial about this?) is that eventually you'll get to the really great stuff. "

 


blubirde, I do appreciate yours and everyone else's insights and I'm not offended by anyone's opinions.  It's always difficult in an online forum environment to gauge exact situations b/c we really only get snipits of everyone's life and situations.  For example, this situation that I'm currently in with the bf.  Yes, it sucks, but it's (most likely) temporary.  After the stinky roommate moves out, we will have no other roommates and once the move to Jersey happens, the frat boys will be but a distant memory.   And I haven't really talked too much about the rest of my relationship with the bf (good stuff, boring stuff, everyday stuff, ect).  I've dated some real jerks and he's not one of them.  He's just trying to deal with two separate worlds and that my sound like bs here on an internet forum, but my friends and my mother (people who see more of the situation on a daily basis), have stated the same thing.  They don't agree with all of his decisions, but no one agrees with everyone all the time.  So, anyway, thank you for your thoughts and concerns. I appreciate it and am in no way offended. 



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atlgirl


Gucci

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<<response to that, was, 'so it's okay to hurt your girlfriend's feelings (who you say you love) just so that the fat slob can continue to destroy your property?' He responded with, "That's your choice." Which I find to be a complete cop-out of an answer. My choice?? What the hell is my choice? Stay and live with this slob (whose filth is making me physically ill--there is so much dirt and filth that I am constantly on antibiotics for sinus and allergy problems) or move out and not have a car or a computer? Great options. So, I am absolutely stuck and I can't break up with him while I live in the house. He'll make things even more miserable for me.  >>


Um...yeah, you still do have a choice.  No one ever said it would be an easy choice. The car is an issue, but the computer - is not actually *necessary* for survival (or keeping your job, as far as I understand).


You are not "absolutely stuck" - the situation may not be optimal (it sounds like it's far from optimal, either way), but you still have choices.  IMO you are choosing to stay with the current situation rather than change it, so you have *made* the choice to remain.  If that's the case, then you know what the difficulties are, so you might just have to bite your tongue and mark time until you can leave, or you choose to break up with him, or whatever the catalyst is that pushes you out of your current setup. 


Trust me, I've been there - living hand to mouth and in a bad situation, and when I tried to get out of that by moving back home, my mother told me no.  (To be fair, she didn't know *quite* how bad it was until everything was over).  So I bided my time until I could get out, and left  as soon as possible.


I agree with blubirde that it sounds like you are making excuses for him. And this, I don't understand at all:


<<I've also seen him date other girls and for the most part, he treats me way better than he treated them>>


How is that relevant to whether or not *you* feel respected?  What truly matters is whether or not he treats YOU in a way that makes you feel loved and cherished.  And you've posted for some time now here that he doesn't, so how he treated previous girlfriends is of no consequence.   


I hope that things improve over time if that's what you want to have happen, but IMO his behavior in general doesn't sound like he'll *ever* respect you.  And I'd much rather see you be cherished and treated well, than be feeling like you do now in this relationship.  You have too much to offer the right person.  Don't let yourself settle for something that's truly not making you happy.  You deserve more!!


 


 



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Karina


Chanel

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Well you know how I feel about this situation - I totally agree w/ Atlgirl, but you do what you think is wisest, hon.

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bumblebee


Dooney & Bourke

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i hesitate to voice my opinion, because i don't know you well enough to impose that.  you seem like a really sweet and caring person, so i just wanted to post a big e-hug for you (((((((((hug))))))))))))

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kenzie


Chanel

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Posts: 4919
Date:
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quote:

Originally posted by: atlgirl
Um...yeah, you still do have a choice.  No one ever said it would be an easy choice. The car is an issue, but the computer - is not actually *necessary* for survival (or keeping your job, as far as I understand). You are not "absolutely stuck" - the situation may not be optimal (it sounds like it's far from optimal, either way), but you still have choices.  IMO you are choosing to stay with the current situation rather than change it, so you have *made* the choice to remain.  If that's the case, then you know what the difficulties are, so you might just have to bite your tongue and mark time until you can leave, or you choose to break up with him, or whatever the catalyst is that pushes you out of your current setup.  Trust me, I've been there - living hand to mouth and in a bad situation, and when I tried to get out of that by moving back home, my mother told me no.  (To be fair, she didn't know *quite* how bad it was until everything was over).  So I bided my time until I could get out, and left  as soon as possible. I agree with blubirde that it sounds like you are making excuses for him. And this, I don't understand at all: How is that relevant to whether or not *you* feel respected?  What truly matters is whether or not he treats YOU in a way that makes you feel loved and cherished.  And you've posted for some time now here that he doesn't, so how he treated previous girlfriends is of no consequence.    I hope that things improve over time if that's what you want to have happen, but IMO his behavior in general doesn't sound like he'll *ever* respect you.  And I'd much rather see you be cherished and treated well, than be feeling like you do now in this relationship.  You have too much to offer the right person.  Don't let yourself settle for something that's truly not making you happy.  You deserve more!!    "


About the statement that I don't need a computer...I do.  I write for websites, and I'm working on getting my own website up for my jewelry business. Not having a computer is not an option at this point.


And as far as me posting about him for a while....the only posts I've posted have been in regard to the roommate situation and the annoying Christmas day issue (which was resolved). Maybe some of you are remembering my ex bf, who I constantly complained about b/c he was The Asshole. 


There are  alot of things that he does right that I don't have the time or energy or desire to list in an attempt to justify or 'make excuses.'  There are no perfect relationships and everyone has their issues within each relationship.  I know him and I know how and why he responds to things the way he does. Once the roommate moves out, things will improve because my bf won't have that constant nagging of one of his immature frat buddies. 


I know you all disagree, but it's so easy to sit and judge through a computer screen. I know you all mean well, but again, people that actually are closer to the situation are not quite as harsh.  Things will get better and if they don't, then I can walk. But I'm not for now.



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DC Shopper


Dooney & Bourke

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hey, nylabelle.  i'm really sorry about your situation.  i've been following it and for some reason it has just really hit a chord with me even though i don't "know" know you.  the whole situation just seems so frustrating, and for this reason i feel somehow entitled to give you my viewpoint - take it or leave it, we all know you are capable of making your own decisions and trust that you will make the right one for you.


i agree with the line of reasoning that others have posted: you know your bf best, and we are just outsiders giving our opinions from the safety of a keyboard.  i've dated guys that have done things that for other girls would be dealbreakers, but weren't for me because 1) i am firmly in the camp that every last one of us is human, capable of making mistakes, and capable of changing and 2) the details of the situation were such that it was easier for me to forgive the offense than if the circumstances were worse/different.  so i understand why you might not consider breaking it off with your bf.


having said that, just because we're all human and make mistakes doesn't mean that some things don't cross the line.  Hitting would be one of them, or condoning the hitting of your girlfriend (which he is doing right now by continuing to be friends with this jerk and letting him and his sister be in your house).  I mean someone actually physically ATTACKED you.  That is no small or petty thing.


I'm not saying you should break up with him, but you need to make it crystal clear just how unacceptable his behavior is right now.  If he doesn't see the error of his ways and refuses to change his behavior (by continuing to be friends with J), then I would seriously give some thought about how important this relationship is to you.  He may be a great guy, he may have a lot of great qualities, but you deserve a better guy if this is the attitude he is going to have about someone hitting you.  You are allowed to break up with someone even if he is a good guy at heart.  You are also allowed to stay with him.  


yes he can change but do you want to be the one who has to suffer through his growing pains?  is he that wonderful?  if he is, then stay - we have no right to dissuade you from staying with a great guy or judging you for that. I think we just all can see that you are a good person in a crappy circumstance and we are just trying to tell you that you deserve the best. 


 



-- Edited by DC Shopper at 00:25, 2005-02-23

-- Edited by DC Shopper at 00:25, 2005-02-23

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kenzie


Chanel

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quote:




Originally posted by: DC Shopper
 having said that, just because we're all human and make mistakes doesn't mean that some things don't cross the line.  Hitting would be one of them, or condoning the hitting of your girlfriend (which he is doing right now by continuing to be friends with this jerk and letting him and his sister be in your house).  I mean someone actually physically ATTACKED you.  That is no small or petty thing. 


   yes he can change but do you want to be the one who has to suffer through his growing pains?  is he that wonderful?  if he is, then stay - we have no right to dissuade you from staying with a great guy or judging you for that. I think we just all can see that you are a good person in a crappy circumstance and we are just trying to tell you that you deserve the best.   -- Edited by DC Shopper at 00:25, 2005-02-23 -- Edited by DC Shopper at 00:25, 2005-02-23"




Thank you for your thoughts, DCS, but just let me clarify...he is not speaking to J's sister and she isn't allowed in our house. He hasn't seen her since the incident and he said that even if she apologizes, he will tell her, 'that's great, but I don't want to talk to you again.'  So, at least he isn't speaking to her.


As far as him changing...I've watched him change tremendously over the past two years.  He has gone from a partying, going out every single night, flirting with girls, crazy frat boy lifestyle to a much calmer guy with a live-in girlfriend. He doesn't like to go out and hang out at bars...in fact, he rarely goes out. His 'guys' nights' entail an evening of playing poker. Usually if the guys want to go out after that, he won't go, he'll just come home.  So, I have been through a lot of growing pains with him already (not as his girlfriend, but as his friend).  I noticed him starting to calm down significantly two falls ago when his buddies were still going out every night and he just wasn't interested.  Like I've said before, he's stuck between two worlds with his annoying frat buddies harassing him about 'the ball and chain' and his life as a 'grown up.'  So, given his pattern, I know that he is fully capable of change and is in that process.  He's done a lot of great things for me and he's been one of the best guys I've dated.  I'm not quite ready to throw in the towell with him.



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DC Shopper


Dooney & Bourke

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cool - i understand.  the caught between two worlds thing happens to most people at some point. 

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Irene


Dooney & Bourke

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You have FM.



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blubirde


Chanel

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quote:
Originally posted by: Irene
"You have FM."
What is FM?

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Irene


Dooney & Bourke

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quote:
Originally posted by: blubirde
"What is FM?"
oops. FM=forum mail, private message. Whatever you want to call it.

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
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quote:
Originally posted by: Irene
"oops. FM=forum mail, private message. Whatever you want to call it."
Oh, okay! Thanks.

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