STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

parental expectations- feeling stressed

Metric · Gucci

I totally understand where you're coming from.

My mom is my best friend as well and I do find the expectations she puts on me to be stressful. I am like her spouse: I go as her "plus one" to her company functions, I take her car in for service, I go over and help her clean and do yard work, take care of her dog. I have 1 older brother, but he is getting married and just bought a house so my mother is not nearly as involved in his day-to-day life as she is with mine. Also, he is much better at pushing her away which I'm not good at, I feel much too guilty.

She does so much for me, she let me live with her when my ex and I separated and she is always there for me, lends me money when I need, etc etc. But I find now that I don't live there anymore she is trying so hard to hold onto as close of a relationship as we had when I was living there, that it comes across as interfering. Its really hard to get her to understand boundaries.

I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to tell you I totally understand where you're coming from.

kenzie · Chanel

Thank you for your response, Metric.

I would feel guilty about pushing my mom away, too. She also let me live with her when I moved back to this area after the horrible falling out with the idiot ex (Stupid, if you recall). She's lent me money in a jam, even if she didn't have it to lend. So, obviously, I am willing to help her, but sometimes it just stresses me out.

She's generally good about boundaries, but sometimes she oversteps them- for example, demanding to borrow my car instead of asking or recently she started harassing me about when I'm going to start having kids (I'm only 29, for crying out loud).

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just don't want to come across as a spoiled, self-centered brat or anything.

BellinaJessica · Kenneth Cole

I think this is pretty much the circle of life you know? What goes around, comes around, that sort of thing. Maybe this is just because I'm a mom but she did change your diapers, clean your puke and devote 18 years and 9 months of her life to caring for you. I think it's to be expected that eventually it comes around full circle. Unfortunately you are an only child so you get the brunt of it.

ETA: I'm also a single mom so I understand what that's like. It's just about the hardest thing in the world to do. I know it's probably hard on you and maybe you need to just sit down and talk to her about it. I know if I'm still single by the time my kids are old enough to help, I will be soooo thankful to have kids who are willing to help me as much as you help your mom!

-- Edited by BellinaJessica at 12:17, 2008-08-29

jj · Kate Spade

I don't have a similar relationship, but my mom does with my grandma. My grandma doesn't drive, so when my parents lived in Michigan, she relied on my mom to take her grocery shopping, to her many doctors appointments, etc etc...

Then in 2000, my parents decided to move to AZ. My mom tried desperately to convince my grandma to come with, but she refused. So to ease the transition, my mom started building a "network" of other friends and family in the area. Now, eight years later, it's working out well. So much that my gma REALLY refuses to move to AZ. I think she is liking all the attention

Maybe you can start phasing yourself out now and sneakily asking other friends to help out, so it won't be so traumatic when you move.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I hear ya.

My mom relies heavily on my brother and I for EVERYTHING. She argues that she did so much for us, this is the least we could do for her etc. We also support her financially, which is very very tiring.

Example: When I moved into my own apartment and invited friends and family over for dinner and sort of like a housewarming, she didn't want to come unless I picked her up (I don't have a car!). I offered to pay for her cab, she said she didn't want to come in a cab. I think they get to be spoiled and expect you to take care of them like they're 12!

cc · Marc Jacobs

Do you feel like she is just relying on you because she can? As in, it's part of her personality to want to be taken care of and she knows you will do it? Or because she really needs you because she is older, doesn't have anyone else, is on a tight budget, etc.? Have you talked to her about the fact that you are moving to California?

My parents don't really rely on me or my sister at all right now for the sort of thing you described but they are still young and in decent health. I know that I'll have to care for them eventually but I think it would be really difficult if I had to do that now, when I am still just starting out with my life - as you are. My grandmother is very needy and has relied on my mother for the past 30+ years. I really wish my mom had done something like jj's mother did with building a network of people, because now it's too late and it's a constant source of stress for my mom that she won't even share with me and my sister bc she doesn't want to burden us.

Elle · Hermes

I've dealt with the same kind of thing waaay too much in the past. I've thought about it alot, and as much as one loves their parents, I don't think it's healthy for a parent to rely so heavily on their child in their day-to-day lives. As they age and their health declines I think it's a different story, but otherwise I think it's a little selfish of a parent to expect that of their child. I know they diapered your butt and drove you to soccer practice and lent you money, but that's their job as a parent, and they chose that role for themselves - nobody ever said it was an even-stevens arrangment, and if their neediness is affecting your ability to live your own life IMO it's going too far. It's hard to get your own life on track when you're constantly helping a parent with theirs, especially if they could probably figure out ways to do things themselves and just don't.

I know it sounds harsh, but if I were a parent, I would never want my child to feel like they 'owed me' anything. The love and care a parent offers their child shouldn't require repayment, like a debt.

Kenzie - I've had good luck with a 'help them help themselves' approach. I think it would be perfectly appropriate to help your mom figure out alternative arrangements for things you're currently helping with. Then the things she needs help with are taken care of, hopefully by multiple people so one person isn't shouldering the whole burden, and she doesn't rely so heavily on you. I think it would improve your relationship - it wouldn't be so loaded, y'know?

Miss Mabel · Kenneth Cole

Let me preface this by saying that I am not calling you a spoiled brat, but I really don't think the things your Mom is asking you to do are out of the ordinary. As BellinaJ said, it's partially the circle of life thing. But, I'm guessing your Mom lacks the financial resources to rent a car, and may not have a lot of close friends she feels comfortable asking to take her to the airport. You say she is your best friend, so presumably she feels the same about you. These aren't huge requests, IMO, they are the kind of thing you expect your BF or SO to help you with. While she has her new SO, she may not feel as close to him as you yet.

I would continue to help her out without feeling frustrated by it or talking to her about it. IMO, the problem is in your mind and you need to do what you can, and if there's something you truly can't help her on, help her find an alternate arrangement.

Oh, and for your immediate situation with vacation time, FMLA (the Family and Medical Leave Act) allows children time off to care for dependant parents. A parent having surgery would be considered dependant during their initial prep and recovery, if I'm not mistaken. Check with your HR person.

kenzie · Chanel

cc, my mom is only 53 and in very good health, other than the surgery she's having and the doctors are pretty sure it's nothing and will just be a standard procedure. She's active and works two jobs. And she's well aware of California and while she does make comments here and there ("I'll never get to see my grandbabies!"), she has said that she knows it's something I've wanted to do for years and she supports it, even though she'll miss me.

Elle, I tend to agree with your point of view. And I'm hoping that the new man in her life will start to phase me out of the helping phase and be there for her more as a spouse than me. Obviously, I'm willing to help, but I don't live right next door and I've got a crazy schedule, so it sometimes is difficult to me to help.

I like jj's idea, too, of trying to build a network. She does have friends and neighbors that already help her with her dog- since she works two jobs, she sometimes needs them to let Lily out. They'll also help her day-to-day after the surgery. I'm aware of FMLA, but I don't get paid for that and I can't really afford to take weeks off of work. And she knows that. I'll probably just stop by in the evenings and on weekend when I can.

Thanks, everyone.

Suasoria · Chanel

Things have changed a lot since my mom lived alone about ten years ago (she was also in her early 50s). She relied on DH and me a lot more than she does now, for some of the same things you've mentioned. She has really bad 'car karma' so she always needed a ride or needed rescuing. While she's always had a lot of friends, she would rather not depend on them for favors, and why would she, since she can get them out of us?

Now my younger brother is living with her again and so is her long-term BF. They both work a lot and have odd schedules, but they're more equipped to handle things from there.

But being harassed about having kids? That never gets old with her and probably most parents. My brother and I even sat her down a few years ago and explained why neither of us will be parents, which was a painful and sensitive conversation for all concerned, but she still gives us the sighing, hand-wringing, grief and guilt.

kenzie · Chanel

Oh, I'm sure she'll never stop harassing about the kid thing. It's maddening.

On a related note- my bf has a bunch of tests today (from the fainting episode mentioned in Beauty and Health) and he wasn't supposed to drive, but he didn't have anyone to drive him so he's driving himself. I would have been able to drive him, but I'm using my last half day of personal time (we don't get sick time) for my mom's surgery next week. I thought I was completely out of time, but I had a half day left.

But the point is, I had to choose between my mom and my bf (who I live with and plan to marry). It sucks, but my mom would pitch a total fit if I wasn't there during her surgery and the bf never pitches fits about anything. I just hope he doesn't pass out again or something. I'm speaking with HR about FMLA today. Not that I can afford unpaid leave...