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lynnie


Chanel

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shyness..
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Have any of you ever dated someone shy? How do you go about it?
I am so used to being the one pursued and don't want to be too forward. I also think it's a fine line between being shy and coming across as disinterested. Sigh. I am curious if it works when the girl pursues the guy...

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blubirde


Chanel

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Did you see The Happening by any chance? Movie aside, there's one scene where the "couple" are having dinner/food with an old lady and she asks who the pursuer is (or something like that). She says that at any point in a relationship one party is constantly trying to catch the other. I think that's true. And I think as long as it's not you doing all the pursuing, it's okay to try to "catch" someone else. But you won't know until you try, right?

I say it's always better to pursue and find out if he's interested than have nothing happen and wonder forever if he was interested. I don't mean stalker pursue, but dignity-preserving pursue.

I also really feel that we're all adults (hopefully) and I've never thought less of a person who liked me if I didn't like them back (unless they acted like an asshole or something), so I doubt anyone else would hate me for being interested even if they weren't.

As for the shy thing, ugh. I, generally speaking, cannot tolerate shy men. That said, I did semi-date one guy who was so incredibly shy that it was hard to not be the aggressor. Oddly I found it really charming. (I was also into emo-rockers at the time - not a good dating period for me.) Eventually we stopped talking because a) he moved (big reason) and b) I'm not a patient person. I couldn't deal.

So I don't have a ton of advice except to say go for it. Worst case scenario is that he's not interested. That's really no different than being in limbo except that you don't have to wonder about anything.

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twinkle_star


Kenneth Cole

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I guess it depends on what kind of shy he is. It took ages for me and my boyfriend to get together because he wasn't as forward as other guys that I've dated. I met him at work and we were friends through other co-workers/friends. We would hang out in a group, then we began to hang out, just the two of us. We even did date-like things like dinner and Shakespeare in the Park. He wasn't really shy in asking me to do things just shy in making the first move. I definitely developed feelings for him so when I realized that he did too and was just shy about it, it drove me crazy. Finally he put his arm around me one night so I grabbed him and kissed him. (The wine at dinner probably gave us both some dutch courage). If he had been too shy to ask me to do stuff I'm not sure that we ever would have gotten together, I realised how terrific he was by hanging out with him.

On another note, I really, REALLY liked this guy in/right after college. We hung out in a group, went out in a group and I called him a few times after we graduated but nothing ever happened. He definitely seemed like more of the shy type so I don't know if it was that or if he just wasn't that into me. I sort of felt like a fool for putting myself out there as much as I did (or at least felt that I did) but at least I could feel good that I tried. Finally I decided that I'd done as much as I was comfortable with and let it go but at least I can look back and say that I tried.

Not sure what advice you can glean from that but I guess what I'd say is, make the first move as much as you're comfortable with. (I guess that's a long-winded way of saying that I agree with Bluebirdie!)

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lynnie


Chanel

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Well I'm calling tonight- I'll see how it goes!  We've seen each other a few times and each time it is really nice.  We've kissed and he's asked me out.  I guess it is just moving slower than I am used to and he is being more of a "nice" guy than I expect in NYC.  I don't know how to interpret that- being cautious, slow, shy, or disinterested.  So I'll see.  He did tell me a story about how shy he was when he was younger.  I'll put myself slightly out there, and if he doesn't respond, then I have no loose ends on my part. 



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Kenneth Cole

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Dude, if you've kissed and he's asked you out you're ahead of the game! Although I became frustrated that it took us so long to get together I feel like we had a real 'courtship' (although that sounds terribly old fashioned!) If he told you a story about his being shy when he was younger then maybe he was trying to tell you that he's still shy!

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blubirde


Chanel

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lynnie wrote:

 

Well I'm calling tonight- I'll see how it goes! We've seen each other a few times and each time it is really nice. We've kissed and he's asked me out. I guess it is just moving slower than I am used to and he is being more of a "nice" guy than I expect in NYC. I don't know how to interpret that- being cautious, slow, shy, or disinterested. So I'll see. He did tell me a story about how shy he was when he was younger. I'll put myself slightly out there, and if he doesn't respond, then I have no loose ends on my part.

 


Oooohhh! I can't wait to hear how it went!

 



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lynnie


Chanel

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blubirde wrote:

 

lynnie wrote:

 

Well I'm calling tonight- I'll see how it goes! We've seen each other a few times and each time it is really nice. We've kissed and he's asked me out. I guess it is just moving slower than I am used to and he is being more of a "nice" guy than I expect in NYC. I don't know how to interpret that- being cautious, slow, shy, or disinterested. So I'll see. He did tell me a story about how shy he was when he was younger. I'll put myself slightly out there, and if he doesn't respond, then I have no loose ends on my part.

 


Oooohhh! I can't wait to hear how it went!

 

 


Well I called and he called right back.  I think I'm seeing him tomorrow.  Weeee!!  I am so excited.  I like this one.

 



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blubirde


Chanel

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lynnie wrote:

 

blubirde wrote:

 

lynnie wrote:

 

Well I'm calling tonight- I'll see how it goes! We've seen each other a few times and each time it is really nice. We've kissed and he's asked me out. I guess it is just moving slower than I am used to and he is being more of a "nice" guy than I expect in NYC. I don't know how to interpret that- being cautious, slow, shy, or disinterested. So I'll see. He did tell me a story about how shy he was when he was younger. I'll put myself slightly out there, and if he doesn't respond, then I have no loose ends on my part.

 


Oooohhh! I can't wait to hear how it went!

 

 


Well I called and he called right back. I think I'm seeing him tomorrow. Weeee!! I am so excited. I like this one.

 

 


Oh, fun! A quick call back is always a good sign. biggrin.gif Keep up the details!

 



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