STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> relationships -> have to see my stalker ex at a wedding
Post Info TOPIC: have to see my stalker ex at a wedding
scarlett


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2117
Date:
have to see my stalker ex at a wedding
Permalink Closed

today i received an invitation to a wedding where my stalker ex boyfriend may be, and wanted to see if anyone here had some advice on handling the situation.


to give a little background, we were together during almost all of college until i broke up with him mid-way through senior year.  he was my first serious relationship, and i think because of that it took me a while to realize i wasn't completely happy, and also that he was emotionally abusive.  he never hit me, but he did try to control who my friends were, what i thought of my family, how often we had sex, and just generally even what i thought about anything.  he's very intelligent and charming and i just didn't realize what he was doing for a long time, and almost no one around me realized it either.  when i did finally break up with him, i naively hoped we could at least be cordial to each other because we had almost all the same friends and would still be seeing each other almost every day around campus.  it turned into a disaster, basically.  he wouldn't accept that we'd broken up, even though he had actually encouraged me to break up with him because i "deserved better" and all that kind of thing, but when i did it he became furious.  calling me all the time, waiting for me outside of classroom buildings, continually asking me to spend time with him, emailing, and i kept turning him down.  he started causing scenes in public, like looking for me in the library once while he was crying and refusing to go away until i hugged him, or yelling about how he wanted to know why i hated him in the dining hall.  it was awful, and got progressively worse for the rest of the second semester, until i finally had to get the dean of students and security involved.  they told him to leave me alone, and he did, until the last time i saw him he showed up at my dorm room and gave me a letter where he basically said he hated me but still hoped we could "f*ck at reunions." 


like i said, he's a charming, smart guy.  he's always managed to get out of any trouble he was ever in; for example, he'd go a whole semester without doing any homework, skipping almost all the classes, and then convince the teacher to give him a second chance and ace the final.  he did that so many times.


i didn't hear from him after that until right after september 11, over a year after graduating, when he was up here in new york and we saw each other on the street.  we didn't speak, but he called my apartment the next day because one of my friends stupidly called him from my home phone, so he got my number.  when he called he pretended he was just looking for that person, but i am sure he knew the person wasn't there and just wanted to mess with me. 


a lot of our mutual friends have stayed friends with both of us -- obviously i want nothing to do with him, but i'm the one who broke up with him, not them, and i never wanted to influence anyone into not being his friend anymore.  i think everyone understood what i was going through and they were all really supportive, even his best friends, which i really appreciated.  my two closest friends basically stopped talking to him because of what was happening.  and when it was happening, i didn't want to keep talking about it all the time, and i also think i saw a whole other side of him that no one else did or really knew about until he started losing it in public and also saying delusional things about me, from what people told me. 


at any rate, i got a save the date email this morning about a wedding in june.  i saw my ex was also on the list, so he might end up being there.  i don't want to miss this wedding because of him, and i would hope that by now he's over what happened, but i don't want to put myself in any kind of ugly or even dangerous situation. 


ugh.  this turned into a really long post, so i'm sorry to go on for so long.  but if anyone has been in a situation like this, or has some thoughts/ideas, i would really really appreciate hearing them.  thanks for reading.


edit: i don't know if i can bring a guest to the wedding or not; if i can that would be great as kind of a deflector.  my closest guy friend will be there too -- he lives near me and we see each other a lot anyway, and i know he doesn't like my ex at all -- so he'll be there for support too.



-- Edited by scarlett at 11:05, 2005-01-06

__________________
http://fugitiveduck.blogspot.com/
esquiress


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2053
Date:
Permalink Closed

oh my gosh, scarlett!  that must’ve been so scary to have to go through! first of all, let me just say that you are one strong woman to have recognized how manipulative he was and to have followed through on your gut reaction.  good for you!  and this may sound cheesy but I’ve always considered you such an intelligent and thoughtful person, just from your posts and after hearing this story, my (already high) respect for you has like quadrupled, seriously, so not just saying this.  so anyway, know that whatever you decide to do, whether you go to the wedding or not, you will handle it just fine.  anyways, as for going to the wedding—how close are you to the couple getting married?  if you’re not that close, I’d just skip it.  I just can’t see having much fun under those circumstances.  but if you are close to the couple and want to be there for them on the special day, I’d speak to the bride and make sure you’re seated as far away from him as possible and as close to your protective guy friend as possible.  and if you can bring a guest, all the better.  hth and thanks for sharing your story



__________________
Starstuff


Kenneth Cole

Status: Offline
Posts: 429
Date:
Permalink Closed

Hey babe,


I'm so sorry to hear you went through this! One of the worst things about ppl (and esp. former bf's) who are/were being manipulative is that not only do you not realize it at the time, but it casts such an air of deception on the whole relationship. I know there are (were) manipulative elements to an old bf of mine, and like you, I didn't realize it until after we had broken up. It makes me feel icky when I think about it now... it just seems so malicious, it's hard to wonder if they meant all the nice things they said too. Ya know?


But enough about me... the way I see it, you have a bunch of options:


1. don't go. In your case, it totally wouldn't be a cop-out, if you're honestly worried about your safety, and if you think you'll be wondering if you're gonna see this guy there. It may not be worth the stress.


2. Accept and bring good friend (or hired bodyguard) as date. You'll always have someone to talk to, and if you want, you'll never be left alone at the wedding.


3. If you can't bring a date, make a pact to stick to your guy friend like glue, if you're sure he can attend.


How well do you know the B&G? Can you talk to them a few days after the RSVP's are due (before the seating arrangements have been made), asking pleasepleaseplease don't seat me near this guy? I know its rude to dictate things like that, but if you're good friends with one/both of them, they probably won't mind. As a future bride myself (I feel lame saying it this way), I'd rather know my guest's concerns and somehow figure that into the wedding, rather than have them not come or have a bad time, or worst, cause a scene, which he could do.


Hope this helps, hon.



__________________
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - G. Radner
scarlett


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2117
Date:
Permalink Closed

thanks so much, esquiress and starstuff.  those were both very supportive, helpful posts that actually brought a tear to my eye.  sincerely, thank you for your advice and for reading.  you guys rock!


as far as the wedding goes, i know the groom very well.  he was actually my ex's room mate for two years, but got sick of him and lived with someone else after soph. year.  this guy is one of the best all-around people i know, and i wouldn't want to miss his wedding, especially because of this.  and actually, he and i even briefly got together over a year after i broke up with my ex., a very sweet and short relationship before he moved many states away for med school.  and i'm very happy for him that he's getting married now.


i could just be worrying too much over something that won't even be an issue, but them i think of how i never expected my ex to be a complete freak, so i dunno.


i like both of your suggestions about asking to be seated away from my ex.  i wasn't sure if i could bring that up, but knowing you guys thought of that too is reassuring.  i'll wait until we're closer to the date and then ask the groom about it.


thank you again!



__________________
http://fugitiveduck.blogspot.com/
Ally S


Kate Spade

Status: Offline
Posts: 1231
Date:
Permalink Closed

I would look into the seating as well. If you can bring a date definitely do so, if not request that you be seated with your other close male friend that is attending and tell him what your ex has done to you.


If these aren't options or do-able I would not attend. It's not worth being in that situation especially now that you are finally rid of that jerk. Consider how he might act if he gets a few drinks in him and gets nostalgic or maudlin.


If you do go solo also do not let your friends even though they may be well meaning attempt to get you guys together to talk. Since they don't know the particulars of his behavior after your break up they may think that you guys hanging out for old times is still appropriate and naturally he may misconstrue things.


I also want to say I am so sorry that you had to experience that after the break up. I had a crazy ex too and had many scenes where he totally humilitaed himself and me in the process. Sometimes I think these things are a rite of passage.


Anyway, good luck and stay strong.



__________________
~Ally~
Andrea Julia


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1811
Date:
Permalink Closed

Wow, what a scary situation to have been in!  That remark about f*cking at reunions was just all sorts of messed up! 


One question:  was the last time you saw him the week of 9/11/01 or 9/11/04?  I'm hoping for your sake, that it was 9/11/01.  If it was, you are probably in good shape because if he was still planning on stalking you, he would have tried to make contact with you in the past 3.5 years.  Hopefully, he learned that his behavior was not going to get him anywhere with you and maybe he's even gotten professional help.  If it was 9/11/04, I would be more worried.  That was only 4 months ago and the chances of him feeling differently about you are not good.  In that case, I would go, but warn the bride and groom that you may leave early if you feel unsafe.


Nevertheless, I agree with the other girls.  Ask the bride and groom to make sure you are seated at another table (preferable far across the room).  Better to be safe than sorry.  I definitely would not skip the wedding.  Why should you have to miss seeing 2 of your friends get married?



__________________
scarlett


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2117
Date:
Permalink Closed

i haven't been on the forum for a few days, but wanted to thank you all for your words of support and advice.  it really means a lot to me!  you all brought up good points and things i'd never have thought of, and that's so helpful.


thanks again


xo


p.s. andrea julia, when i saw him it was in 2001, so i think you are right that i am probably in good shape with this.


 



__________________
http://fugitiveduck.blogspot.com/
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> relationships -> have to see my stalker ex at a wedding
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard