STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Teresa · Kate Spade

am i allowed to be mad about this?????

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

That bites. You can def be mad about that. Even if you didn't mind, their friendship can cause a lot of discomfort and awkwardness.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I don't think what you have here is a friendship. It sounds like a frenemies kind of thing, "You can't pick my friends - why are you mad?" That's not a respectful level of dialouge at all.

Something really similar happened to me. And some people said to let it go, not to make waves. But I didn't want to be around those people anymore. (And my therapist told me to CUT OFF CONTACT with the girl). So, I know how you feel. I don't think this girl is your friend. A friend does not tolerate someone who hurts you. A friend stands up for you, no matter what shallow friendship it costs her.

PS - I totally got back at the girl by letting her jerky ex boyfriend facebook-friend me. I knew it would bug her, and I figured what the hell. I wouldn't recommend that approach though. It felt immature. And it just showed me that I had a lot of anger about the way I'd been treated, and that I wasn't dealing with in a positive way.

So then I had to face up to how upset I was about what had happened, and decide on some boundaries for future friendships. Now with my boyfriend and friends, I'm adamant, "You stick up for me NO MATTER WHAT!" So far, everyone can live with it. I realized that I'd been doing that for my friends all along, so why wasn't I expecting the same in return?

If possible, I recommend you skip the revenge part and go to the facing-up/boundary-setting part. It isn't too much to ask that a friend acknowledge that someone treated you poorly, and treat that person accordingly. You deserve it.

Teresa · Kate Spade

Dizzy wrote:

I don't think what you have here is a friendship. It sounds like a frenemies kind of thing, "You can't pick my friends - why are you mad?" That's not a respectful level of dialouge at all.

Something really similar happened to me. And some people said to let it go, not to make waves. But I didn't want to be around those people anymore. (And my therapist told me to CUT OFF CONTACT with the girl). So, I know how you feel. I don't think this girl is your friend. A friend does not tolerate someone who hurts you. A friend stands up for you, no matter what shallow friendship it costs her.

PS - I totally got back at the girl by letting her jerky ex boyfriend facebook-friend me. I knew it would bug her, and I figured what the hell. I wouldn't recommend that approach though. It felt immature. And it just showed me that I had a lot of anger about the way I'd been treated, and that I wasn't dealing with in a positive way.

So then I had to face up to how upset I was about what had happened, and decide on some boundaries for future friendships. Now with my boyfriend and friends, I'm adamant, "You stick up for me NO MATTER WHAT!" So far, everyone can live with it. I realized that I'd been doing that for my friends all along, so why wasn't I expecting the same in return?

If possible, I recommend you skip the revenge part and go to the facing-up/boundary-setting part. It isn't too much to ask that a friend acknowledge that someone treated you poorly, and treat that person accordingly. You deserve it.

Thanks. Dizzy you always have such great advice. If law doesn't work out i think you would make a great psychologist ;)

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Oh, totally I think you should be mad about this. If the guy was an okay-boyfriend and you broke up because it just wasn't working between you two, that's one thing. But this guy was a shit-head it sounds like. No friend would be friends with a shit-head ex.

I mean, really...what is the thinking? "Huh, this dude treated my friend really horribly but that doesn't mean he is a bad person so it's okay to be friends with him". No. No. No.

Is there some sort of saying for girls like Bro's before Ho's? Chicks before Dicks? Have some loyalty, man. Anyway...yes...be pissed. Very pissed. There isn't any chance she is thinking of this shit-head in more ways than just a friend?

atlgirl · Gucci

I wouldn't trust her for a second. I think her behavior shows no respect toward your friendship, and I agree with relrel that she may be thinking of your ex as something more. I'm sorry that this is going on. You have every right to be upset!

KaffeeKlatsch · Marc Jacobs

I definitely feel your entitled to anger here...especially if she makes claims on being a good friend. Good friends simply don't chase down friendships with exes, particularly if they know how you were hurt. I find it very suspicious and even a bit manipulative on both their parts: it's a way for him to stay in your life and keep hurting you, and a way for her to try to play the part of the one who fixed things.

Suasoria · Chanel

I'm with Leah_leanna. My guess is he's manipulating her big-time. If you feel like it, you could give her a friendly warning that he's not the kind of guy she should have as a buddy, then stay away from her until she comes back to tell you how right you were...

-- Edited by Suasoria at 12:52, 2008-02-12

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Dizzy wrote:
A friend does not tolerate someone who hurts you. A friend stands up for you, no matter what shallow friendship it costs her.

ITA. I am repulsed when I learn about relationship issues with a friend and especially if I'm not friends with the guy, I would never BECOME friends with him.

I have had friends who have had fights with other friends then those friends try to be MY friend on myspace or friendster or other stupid outlets. Its all very 5th grade "Nah nah I have your friend now toooooooooo" I reject them ASAP! Its so stupid.

I think maybe your friend has a thing for him or its a little deeper than she wants to annoy you or get back at you.

blubirde · Chanel

In a perfect world, she's not your friend. In an imperfect world, she doesn't understand where her loyalties lie.

99% of me wants to say that you shouldn't trust her any farther than you can throw her. I demand loyalty of all my friends, even if it's unreasonable, which in your case it's totally not. Personally I'd tell her it bugged me and if she continued to be friends with him, I'd dump her. (I wouldn't tell her the last part, I'd just do it.)

1% of me thinks the world is one, big, gray area... Actually I've reconsidered. I think that 1% of me is crazy and f***ed up. She knows it's wrong and she's choosing him over you. Dump her and dump her quickly. If you can't dump her due to circles or some such nonsense, don't trust her and avoid her as much as possible.

She's a jerk. You definitely deserve better. (On an unrelated note, it just took me 2 minutes to remember how to spell definitely. I need to go back to 4th grade.)

NCshopper · Hermes

I agree with the others--this girl isn't your friend because a true friend wouldn't go there, especially if she knows the history of the relationship. I say cut your losses and move on.

Collette · Chanel

She broke the girl code, you just don't do that. I would never ever become friends with a friends ex after the breakup. It's just wrong and hurtful. If you decide to continue this friendship I would do so very cautiously.

blink · Coach

YES, you are allowed to be mad.

The only circumstances where I could approve of a friendship between them would be if she knew him well before you met him and if your relationship ended amicably. That's it. Someone who calls themselves your friend would detach themselves from someone who mistreated you, period!

This philosophy may mean you have one less friend. It's better to have a few of quality though, than a hundred who don't have your back when things get sticky.