STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I'm sorry! I wish I had some advice, but I don't. Just wanted to say I'm sorry and that I would be extremely frustrated as well. I haven't lived at home in years either. I still occasionally get mail there and they never open so the one time they did and it was something personal I would be upset as well. Sorry!

I'm so sorry this happened. I hate when my parents use that logic on me - they seem to think that if there is anything I don't tell them, that I'm a bad person because only bad people have secrets things they don't want other people to know about. So if I get mad about their invading my privacy, they get mad at me because they think I'm hiding something.

I wonder if she somehow suspected whatever it is that's going on, and that's why she's opening your mail?

shopchicago33 wrote:

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ttara - honestly, there is NO possible way she could have suspected what was going on and I mean NO way. She just chose to be nosey and that's what pisses me off the most. I have never given her any reason to not trust me. She won't even give me a reason why she opened it, she just said, she did - end of story. And that's not a good enough reason for me.

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Oh, I'm not saying it would be a good reason either way, even if she did suspect! I was just wondering if maybe that's the reason she chose to be weird and open this particular envelope.

I feel you. My mom is seriously nosy. If I ever get mail at home (I'm 29 and haven't lived there since 18), she opens it immediately. I've constantly told her to stop but it doesn't matter. Once I received a rejection letter from a music program I'd applied to. Not only did I get rejected but I had to hear it from her when it would have been much better to read it myself. If that fight didn't stop her from reading my mail, nothing will. At least that's what I've decided, sadly.

I have no answers for you, just sympathy. On one hand, she's right, you were hiding something from her. On the other hand (and the only one that matters), you're an adult and entitled to not tell her everything (or anything) if you don't want. If it were me, we'd have some huge blow up and I'd yell at her, she'd probably yell back, and we wouldn't talk for a few days. She'd eventually call and act very mild and apologetic, without actually mentioning the subject or apologizing, and it would eventually blow over, although I'd probably very maturely throw little, snide comments out about mail over the next few months, 'cause I'm cool like that.

I can't think of a comforting word to say except that it sucks and I think it's the unending battle between parents and children - parents don't want to believe children can make their own decisions about anything, no matter how old they get.

Ugh! I go through versions of this monthly with my adoptive parents...and yes, it sucks! I'd go ahead and remind her that not only did she commit a federal offense by opening mail for someone other than herself, she broke trust with you.

That really sucks. I don't know why parents snoop like that--do they think it's somehow going to be beneficial?

Anyway, you might want to not talk to her for a few days. I know it sounds childish giving her the silent treatment, but I think you probably need to have a few days to put the anger past you and have a rational conversation with her about it. You might also want to put it all down in an email to her as well, with as little emotion as possible, and conclude it by saying that you will not talk to her about this particular personal issue. If she brings it up on the phone, your response is "I'm not talking to you about this" and then change the subject. Awkward? Yes. But she snooped, so she created the situation. It sucks she did this, but you guys will move past it eventually.

I do have a funny story about snooping to cheer you up: right after I went away to college, one of my friends at school got this phone call from her mom FREAKING out and accusing her of doing drugs. My friend had gone out one night with her friends before leaving for college and brought a clutch with her. The mom had gone snooping like 2 weeks after we were in school and found a sandwich baggie with some white tablets in it inside the clutch. So the mom assumes this is extasy and calls my friend freaking out about it. My friend has no idea what her mom is talking about and is unable to convince her mom that these aren't drugs, since she's never done drugs before. The situation gets so bad that she ends up flying from NC to CA to deal with it. She gets to CA, sees what her mom is talking about, and the white tablets turned out to be Altoids that she put in her purse the night she went out. Awesome.

How infuriating this must be.

The only thing I can suggest is continuing to demonstrate that you're the more mature adult of the two of you by keeping your cool, and repeating what you've already told her about the violation of your privacy.

Throw in that you're disappointed by her actions and expected differently from her. Parents love to hear that.

That is really crappy and totally something my mom would do. :(

Can you put in another forwarding address form with the post office to at least keep it from happening (or tempting her) again?

It's not a solution to the problem, but may prevent future snooping.