STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

upset and could use some support

HeatherLynn · Gucci

I think you said it in the last sentence: there is nothing you can do about it. I would keep dating him and telling everyone his great points. Hopefully they will come around, but you can't live for your parents/grandparents/etc. You have to do what makes you happy. Good luck!!

MissMee · Kate Spade

Not that it justifies it, but she grew up in a totally different time. When she was young, it was frowned upon to date someone of a different race. You know how it is - the way you were raised is the "correct" way. My grandmother would prob say the same kind of thing. I think you should just let it go and accept that she disagrees.

Kelly · Hermes

I agree with MissMee. My cousin (white) recently got married to a black man and her stepmom was really angry. When my cousin called home to tell them that she was engaged, my uncle wouldn't even let her stepmom talk to her because he knew what her stepmom would say. He wouldnt' give the phone over so she just kept yelling in the background, "you'll regret this!" and made a big scene after the wedding when we were all at the hotel.

Anyway, so a lot of us started talking about how awful we thought it was that she didn't think they should get married because of this. And what really shocked me was some of my aunts & uncles said they didn't think it was a smart thing to do, either. The thing is, while they have no prejudices against people of any race themselves, when they were growing up they were all too aware of the prejudices that OTHER people had, and a lot of them said that (if they were single) they wouldn't pursue a relationship with someone of another race just because of how difficult it may be socially. They grew up in a different time when it was a big deal, so now I think it's hard to accept/understand that interracial couples aren't discriminated against so violently anymore.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is a nightmare we should be out of by 2007!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

MissMee wrote:

Not that it justifies it, but she grew up in a totally different time. When she was young, it was frowned upon to date someone of a different race. You know how it is - the way you were raised is the "correct" way. My grandmother would prob say the same kind of thing. I think you should just let it go and accept that she disagrees.

ditto. My grandma-in-law manages to offend me with something along these lines literally every time I see her.

KaffeeKlatsch · Marc Jacobs

(((hugs)))
I was on the other end of this myself...my ex-husband warned me that my father-in-law would be pretty weirded out that I am not "white"....for the record, I'm half german/caucasian and half native american. And my ex wouldn't take me back to his hometown because, in his words "they're really racial there and it might stir something up". WTF?!?!
Anyhow...my advice...listen politely, say "thanks for your input" and go on with your life.

travelgirl · Kate Spade

I've been down this road before too, unfortunately. In my case, I was asked out by an African-American guy (when I was in college) and my mom flipped out when I told her. The ironic part of it was the guy was a family friend who lived with my parents one summer (my dad and mom board out of town 18 year-old guys every summer for 10 weeks because my dad coaches a semi-pro baseball team and they recruit players from all over the country to come play here for the summer) and they LOVED him. My parents still keep in touch with the guy and his family to this day and get together with him when he is in town (he's now a pro baseball player). It really ticked me off that they knew how great he was but they weren't in for me dating him in any way, shape or form.

In the end, I went out with him as friends because I wasn't attracted to him as a boyfriend. He actually told me that he and his parents had the same conversation though. They weren't thrilled with him going out with me either just because of my skin color (and they knew and liked me too).

One way or another, I feel differently. I hope my sons all find someone wonderful to date and if they aren't the same race as our family so what! I am raising them to see past color. I do think though that our generation is much more open-minded. Thankfully!

joy0302 · Kate Spade

Nicoley-you said there is nothing that you can do, but you are doing plenty. You found someone who is a wonderful person and you are with him despite the fact that some people have veiws that are not favorable.

I am white and my husband is hispanic. My parents love him to death but they have had friends who asked them how they felt that I didn't marry a white guy. My mom always responds that he is the perfect son-in-law and could care less about what race he is.

I know it is hurtful when someone close to you is judging you. Just know that it is others who are being close minded and missing out on wonderful people. Live your life with whoever makes you happy! Who knows if your grandma gets to know him she may change her whole point of view. Sometimes people are prejudice because they have never been put in the position to learn from others that they dislike for no reason. Your relationship may help her to see that there are wonderful people in all races. If she doesn't open up then unfortunately that is her loss.

wicked · Coach

Love rules. Don't let anyone make you feel like what you're doing is wrong. You're traveling the righteous path.

blubirde · Chanel

I hate to be rude but screw your grandmother. My grandmother would say the exact same thing as yours did but I'd tell her to shove it, probably just like that. My parents are generally cool and open minded but once my mom said something about dating a different race. I nipped it in the bud right then and there. I told her she'd like who I brought home or she wouldn't see me and that was all there was to it. I respect my parents and my grandmother but it'll be a cold day in hell before I let bigotry affect my behavior.

My boyfriend is Asian (and a whole lot more) and I'm white. He's got pretty dark skin for his ethnicity, and he's constantly getting mistaken as Indian or Hispanic. I'm sure my grandmother and her little old lady friends have had things to say but they've smartly kept their mouth shut around me. To be honest I was afraid someone might say something to him the first time I introduced him to the older family members but no one did, much to my relief. I have very little faith in the older generations to speak with civility in such circumstances.

Basically I'm saying I feel you. If it were my grandmother I'd probably say some things I'd regret (and a lot of things she'd regret). But I don't necessarily think that's the best way to go about things. Do what you do and try your hardest not to let other people's opinions affect your behavior. You're a better person because it's not an issue for you.

boobaby · Kate Spade

Sorry you are experiencing this, Nicoley. I grew up in an openly racist/prejudiced community/home, which is funny considering my grandpa was Mexican. But my parents have always surprised me. When my gay brother brought his black live in bf to meet the parents, my mother was over the moon for him and my brother said they were like a couple of giggling schoolgirls the whole trip. When my brother came out, my dad was shockingly calm and accepting. My mom later told me that he would die if one of his kids stopped speaking to him, so he's just learned to deal. So just keep doing what your doing, they'll either accept it or not. You can't change it and you can't change the fact that you love someone, either.

cat · Marc Jacobs

I'm sorry your family feels that way.
Just remember it is your life and you need to do what is right for you.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I think that your family means well in a way. They don't want you to have to go through the same prejudice that they assume everyone will have for you as a couple.

I have friends who are in interracial relationships or friends who are a product of interracial marriages - most tell stories of people gawking, or making rude comments or worse. It is not the easiest route to take, but when you're in love and you meet the right guy, do you really care about what everyone else will think?
(of course not!)

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I hate to say it, but you need to get used to this now if you want to be in an inter-racial relationship for the rest of your life. There is still a great deal of prejudice everywhere and the people who exhibit it may surprise you.

An example: one of our good friends recently married a Jewish girl (we are Catholic). I didn't see any issue with it because I had a lot of friends growing up that had a Christian and Jewish parent and their lives were just fine. On the way to the wedding, however, one of my BF's buddies who was riding in the car with us exclaimed, "I can't believe J is marrying a Jewish girl." When I asked him what was so wrong with it if he loved her and they were happy he answered me by saying, "I wouldn't do it for the holiday reason alone." Are you kidding me?! That was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, but he was dead serious. But hey, to each his own...

As long as you are happy that is all that matters.

Kelly · Hermes

See, the religion thing I can understand a lot more. If you want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them, religious differences could make a huge difference. If you don't believe the same fundamental things about life, that could make for a shaky marriage. I'm not at all saying that inter-faith relationships can't work. I'm Catholic and I've dated several Muslim guys and had great, healthy relationships with them (I've dated other Christians too but that's not quite as extreme a difference of course) But I can definitely see why it would bother someone to marry outside of their own religion. My ex-BF had a huge problem with the fact that I'm Catholic (he's Protestant) because he couldn't see how we could reconcile our differences if we decided to get married and have kids.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 12:50, 2007-12-06

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I've actually run into a lot of prejudice in my own family, with families of people i've dated, etc... My parents have a mixed race marriage, and it has created a lot of problems...not so much between them, but their families were not happy when they got married, and my dad's family has never warmed up to my mom. Yet still, when I'd bring home people of a different "color" my own parents expressed reservations.

As a mixed race person, I've personally run into a lot of racism. I've dated people from pretty much everywhere imagineable, and white, black, Indian, whatever, all their families have had at least some sort of problem with the fact that I'm not "white." It sucks, but the best thing you can do for your boyfriend is stand up for him. In my parents' marriage my dad too often supported his family, rather than supporting my mom, and I've seen the same thing with many of my exes who didn't say anything to their parents/families when the issue was raised.

jj · Kate Spade

Ugh...I guess in addition to being sad and mad at my grandma, I would be so DISAPPOINTED in her. I can't imagine discovering that my grandma was racist.

I guess I'm lucky - my hubby is black, and nobody batted an eye when we started dating. And really, unless I am totally unobservant, we have never been treated poorly or looked at strangely by others.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

ttara123 wrote:

See, the religion thing I can understand a lot more. If you want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them, religious differences could make a huge difference. If you don't believe the same fundamental things about life, that could make for a shaky marriage. I'm not at all saying that inter-faith relationships can't work. I'm Catholic and I've dated several Muslim guys and had great, healthy relationships with them (I've dated other Christians too but that's not quite as extreme a difference of course) But I can definitely see why it would bother someone to marry outside of their own religion. My ex-BF had a huge problem with the fact that I'm Catholic (he's Protestant) because he couldn't see how we could reconcile our differences if we decided to get married and have kids.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 12:50, 2007-12-06

That I understand. But he was seriously just concerned about holidays. That is total idiocy.

Kelly · Hermes

Farrah wrote:

That I understand. But he was seriously just concerned about holidays. That is total idiocy.

Seriously? He's nutty. biggrin

erin · Chanel

this makes me so mad and i would just be tempted to tell granny she can be manipulative and controlling about your life decisions if you can be such with hers.