STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

Assertiveness

cahabo · Kate Spade

Oh, I used to be way too nice and let everyone tell me who, what, when, and where. I'd say some time after high school is when I worked on being more assertive. I just let people know I was going to do what I wanted to do and actually started saying "no". It's just what you've got to do to get what you want in life and be happy! I still try to make everyone happy, but only if it isn't too much trouble for me. Just start on the small things first. Like if someone asks a favor of you, but is too much of an inconvenience for you, just tell them no. For instance, I was called on my day off from work one afternoon to cover someone else's shift. Well I was pretty busy with something and needed the whole evening to finish and get ready for my first day of school the next morning. So I just simply said, "no, I can't" and left it at that. So anyhow, I hope this works out for you!

Suasoria · Chanel

Passivity and lack of communication killed my parents' marriage; and the same thing threatens the health of mine.

First of all, (((hugs))).

Yes, it will take its toll, especially since he's gone through some growth/changes on this score when you haven't yet. At the same time, he needs to understand what behaviors of his aren't helping you.

Honestly I would think about going to counseling, either with him or alone, to see if you can learn some communication tools. The same approach that works with a husband can work with a parent. "I feel (blank) when you do (blank)," for example.

I have a friend who refuses to "rock the boat" (her words) with her relationship, family, friends, and she gets pushed around by everyone including me at times. It's not so much that she lacks assertiveness or is indecisive, she's actually very opinionated, she just doesn't want to articulate those opinions. So she'll say "I don't think so/I'm not sure" instead of "I disagree/don't wanna." So in that regard, it seems communication is her problem, not so much passivity.

Elle · Hermes

Polly, our families sound much too similar! I had a similar upbringing in that nothing was ever discussed, well, ever. You are absolutely correct that not communicating your feelings so both you and your partner feel heard and understood ultimately ends the relationship - that's also what's happening with my parents right now. And in classic uncommunicative fashion, they didn't tell me they were getting divorced. Or that my mom moved out of the house. Still haven't, actually and all this started more than a year ago.

Back to your question about assertiveness, I didn't start to see that maybe the way I'd been raised wasn't 'normal' until awhile after I'd moved out and therefore gained some distance from the day-to-day with them. Now I'm able to speak my mind/feelings confidently mostly just from interacting with people who do the same, but not really with my family. The speaking of the mind thing shocks them a bit, IMO it's because it challenges the image they have of me and what I think/feel etc.

My advice would be to tread lightly and don't expect them to reciprocate. Also, I find that saying it when you feel it tends to work out better than waiting and having to bring something up again. Just jump in with both feet babe - regardless of what you learned growing up, your opinions deserve to be heard!