SO's birthday is this weekend and we are going away for the weekend, which is great. He invited his parents. Which I found slightly odd, but not too terrible because his parents are really nice people.
However, parental units have decided that we all need to go to church on Sunday morning (Catholic Mass). I'm not Catholic, I've only ever been to mass once (at SO's grandma's funeral) and I was wildly uncomfortable. SO and I also do not attend any kind of church on a regular basis. Sunday's are lazy days for us. My distaste for organized religion aside, I'm just annoyed that I'm going to be dragged out of bed early on a Sunday after being out late the night before while on a weekend getaway.
Just needed to get that out. Thanks, I feel better now.
Uh, I'm annoyed on your behalf. That wouldn't sit well with me, and I'd be stubborn about it. Although, it is probably good of you to suck it up to maintain good relations w/ his parents.
that's old school catholic, going to mass even while on a weekend getaway...
yeah, I hear you, I would be annoyed too. but I guess if you are going to be with SO, you will be asked to go to many more in the future by his parents, so maybe this will help you get used to it. Have fun.
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Dude, that's so not cool . Deciding for everyone that you all need to go to church? For a religion that you don't even follow? For your SO's birthday getaway? That they've just been invited along on?!
Can you guys politely decline in a Thanks for the invite but we've already planned to do XYZ sort of way? I can see how it could ruffle some feathers on their side, but that's no worse that feathers being ruffled on your side IMO.
This is just the sort of thing that would really get my goat, as I feel much the way you do about organized religion and quite dislike others foisting their beliefs of on people against their will. If I had to go, I'd probably hide a book in my purse and excuse myself to the restroom about 5 minutes into the service ...
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I really am quite annoyed by this and I'm glad that others see my side of it. SO said he doesn't care if we go, but it would make his parents happy if we did. I feel like I need to go to keep the peace, but I really, really, really don't want to go. At all. It's going to suck up a large chunk of our time when we could sleep in, go to brunch and then lounge by the pool.
Here's another amusing tidbit-- SO actually suggested that we share a hotel room with his parents to save money. What? WHAT?! I put my foot down to that one. That's just awkward. And then I paid for the both of the hotel rooms.
See my concern isn't necessarily for this one incident, but this one seemingly-small thing could set the precedent for the rest of your relationship. I don't know how serious you guys are, but my fear would be that if you guys stay together and eventually get married etc, the boundaries w/ his parents would be blurry and you'd have to deal with more and more shit.
I don't think it has to be a big deal, but I'd go now as you intend to proceed. If you're not a religious person, best for them to make their peace. It doesn't mean you aren't a perfectly lovely, respectful person in general! Again, if it were me (which it clearly isn't, so grain of salt and all that) I'd politely decline but leave no room for negotiation on the subject.
'Thanks so much for the invite! We already had plans to sleep in a bit and go have brunch at Fabulous Restaurant, but you guys have fun! See you around 1 then?'
It really shouldn't be any skin off their backs if you don't go, but it would really cut into the short time you guys have if you did go. I just wouldn't want to get in the habit of conceding, and then having it be expected down the line.
ETA: Share a room?!? MORTIFYING! I am also amused that they would be fine sleeping in the same room with you (gasp! unmarried!) two in bed together, but can't miss church while on vacation. Maybe they hoped to be able to police you .... do they know you paid for their room?
-- Edited by Elle at 14:09, 2007-08-17
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I'm catholic and I try to go to church as much as I can. But, I dont go while I'm on vacation. On the other hand, if I were with my Dad he would expect me to go to church regardless of where we are. So, i can see it from your BF side too. Maybe you could suggest going to night service? That way you guys can sleep in, and you all can go to church...
I'm catholic and I try to go to church as much as I can. But, I dont go while I'm on vacation. On the other hand, if I were with my Dad he would expect me to go to church regardless of where we are. So, i can see it from your BF side too. Maybe you could suggest going to night service? That way you guys can sleep in, and you all can go to church...
I agree w/ Brazilian that if you happened to be visiting his parents and staying with them, it might be more appropriate for them to ask you to church and have a reasonable expectation you'd attend. If you're not 'on their turf' so to speak, it's every person for themselves IMO!
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Elle wrote: It really shouldn't be any skin off their backs if you don't go, but it would really cut into the short time you guys have if you did go. I just wouldn't want to get in the habit of conceding, and then having it be expected down the line.
That was one of my thoughts also. My mom has warned me about stuff like that. Just be sure that your BF voices his opinions to his parents as well, you dont want it to come off as youre the only one that doesnt want to go.
brazilian, we'll be on our way home by early evening, so that wouldn't work. And Saturday night we have plans to go out.
Elle, we are planning to get married- no official engagement just yet, but plans to buy a house, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I think you're probably right. Neither SO nor I are super-religious or attend church of any kind on a regular basis despite the fact that we were both raised that way. They never ask us to go to church at home (and we live 5 minutes from them), so why should we go to church on vacation?
I think I'll talk to him tonight and hopefully, we won't have to go. Like you said, it could set an unwanted precedent.
I find it very disturbing that 1) he asked his parents to come and 2) he wanted to share a hotel room.
This weekend is my boyfriend's birthday and we are going away... no way I would even ask parents to come along, and no way I would have them sleeping anywhere near my bedroom.
Is he like superclose with his mom? I don't mean to be offensive, it just seems super creepy. Usually when couples go away they like to do sexy things, not hang out with mom and dad.
XtinaStyles, no, he's actually not superclose to his parents. Not in a weird way anyway. He comes from a big, Italian family and so their close and have family dinners often, but he doesn't talk to them everyday or anything. I'd actually say that he's closer to his dad than his mom.
The reason he wanted to share a room was to save them money becauses they don't have much of it and he was just trying to help them out. I can see where from the outside and not knowing him and his family at all, that it may sound creepy, but it really was financially driven. It's not creepy at all. I'm actually much closer to my mom than he is to anyone in his family.
He also invited them because we are going to see a baseball game and his dad is a really big fan of the team we're seeing and the city we're going to. Yeah, parental units are usually my first choice of who take along on a weekend away, but it's not nearly as strange or creepy as you may think it sounds.
That's pushy of them. If it were me, I'd be caught between the "I want to make a good impression" compulsion and the "I don't want to set a bad precedent" compulsion. I agree with Elle -- but just on the caveat that you've already gotten to know his parents. If you have, then it's a good time to set boundaries. If you and your boyfriend don't live in the same town as them, and so you haven't gotten to know them that much, maybe you should just bite your tongue (for this time) and go. But I don't think anyone should be made to do something that they feel really uncomfortable with, so if this is something that is a big deal to you, that's fine and then you just won't go.
That stinks - I'm Catholic, but I never *expect* other people to go to church with me, especially on a vacation they invited me on! Still, I understand that for a lot of people that's just *what you do* on Sunday, and it wouldn't even *occur* to them to have a Sunday morning any other way, so I doubt they're really trying to force you into something. It just didn't occur to them that you wouldn't go to church with them (even if they know you don't go on a regular basis)
I understand why it seems like this would set you up for expected complacence in the future, but honestly if they've never invited you to church before, even though it's very strange and forceful to do it on vacation, I wonder if it actually *would* become a big deal later on down the line.
Still, it's not right. Do they already think you're going? I mean, if you guys were talking and they said "blah blah blah, when we go to church on sunday blah blah blah" then it would be easy for you to say, "well, we were really planning to do XYZ but we'll see you when you get back to the hotel." But now that it's presumably been a day or two, bringing it up again just to say that might create a bigger deal than you'd want to, you know?
This is a sticky situation. Personally, if I were in your shoes I'd just go. But I'm not very confrontational in person. And I wouldn't want to piss off people who I have to spend all weekend with.
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I wouldn't go if I was in your shoes, and neither would my husband if it was his parents doing this to us. I could see going to a restaurant of their choice even if I wasn't that enthused by it, or doing some lame activity together just to be a good sport, but shoving religion down someone's throat is unacceptable. If they want to invite you to their church in their hometown, that's another story.
Sfclinevandy is definitely on the right track...pretend like you're going, and beg off the next morning. Blame it on some bad shrimp or something. At worst they'll be bitter, but only for the rest of Sunday, and it won't ruin the whole weekend.
SO and I ended up not going to church with them. They asked us if we were coming and SO said that he really didn't feel like it. They were fine with it and it wasn't a big confrontation.
I do know them pretty well since we see them frequently, so it wasn't like it was an introduction or anything. The weekend went fairly well, although it was a lot of time with his parents, but at least they're cool people. And they told us that they were thrilled that we asked them to come along, so obviously, it wasn't something that they were expecting (SO actually asked, not me, but technicalities...).
Anyway, for the most part, we all had a good time, except it rained during the baseball game that we went to on Sunday. But, at least we were under the awning and didn't have to flee to the consession area when it started to pour.