STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

Am I being unreasonable?

Hermes

remember the wedding is for you, not your guests. the guests are only there to celebrate with you.

went though something similar in planning my wedding, and realized it was for everyone else, and not my husband and I. we ended up just going to the courthouse, had an expensive dinner just the two of us after, then left for tahiti the next day for two weeks (didn't do a ceremony there)

do what YOU want - this wedding is about you and your husband and no one else -- those who will be dissapointed will get over it. go to hawaii, have your ceremony, then have the party when you return smile

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Yeah I agree with D. It is your day. You cant please everyone, and you will have to deal with the fact that some of your choices wont make everyone else happy. If the location is THAT important to you, then you have to let it go that some people cant come. But if you are willing to realize that not everyone can attend, you need to either accept it and move on, or change. Going back and forth isnt going to fix anything.

I know I have said this alot but weddings are about priorities. If location is your #1 priority, then obivously there will be some other sacrfices for that to happen. ie: some people cant come etc.

This is about your lifelong commitment to each other, so remember when all is said and done then that is what is most important.

luckylily · Gucci

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is your wedding and it should make YOU and your FH happy.

My DH and I got married in Hawaii. We ended up deciding we wanted it to be just the two of us. Part of that was because we both thought it was a really private moment, and we didn't feel the need to share it with anyone. But also, my family could have easily afforded to come while it would have been much harder on his family. It would just be strange if my family was there and his wasn't. Anyway, we had the ceremony by ourselves and then did a open house type party when we got home.

Honestly, I think you have a great plan right now. You should go ahead with it if that is what you really want. People will get over it.

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

That is exactly how I feel and what the problem is. I have always felt that it's such a private moment and so special. And also, my dad, and my fiances parents can easily afford to go (plus my dad would bring his girlfriend), while for my mom it would be a huge burden, even with our help (which we can't afford to do honestly), and she would be upset that she was there alone. And, our sisters and my brother can't go for sure, so it's like, if not everyone can go, then it seems better that no one goes.

If we get married here, which is what everyone wants, then we would have to invite EVERYONE, so it would be at least 50 people, and it definitely wouldn't be the same as getting married on the beach in Hawaii - not even close, and the reception would be right after. Not intimate at all.

Suasoria · Chanel

I think this is tough - for me it would be a dealbreaker if my mother couldn't come and I couldn't afford her travel. Maybe dad could be a sport and help you out with your mother's expenses this time? Maybe he'd do this instead of or in addition to bringing his girlfriend? Either way, she wouldn't be alone, she'll be with the group.

It seems to me you probably want a private ceremony (uninvite everyone), then follow up with a bigger but more casual reception (Hawaiian-themed?) after the fact. Maybe show a video of the amazing ceremony for your guests and add in some of the traditional elements like the first dance and the cake cutting.

Bottom line, I think you can get what you want and still make sure everyone feels it's been a wedding celebration to remember.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Suasoria wrote:

I think this is tough - for me it would be a dealbreaker if my mother couldn't come and I couldn't afford her travel. Maybe dad could be a sport and help you out with your mother's expenses this time? Maybe he'd do this instead of or in addition to bringing his girlfriend? Either way, she wouldn't be alone, she'll be with the group.

It seems to me you probably want a private ceremony (uninvite everyone), then follow up with a bigger but more casual reception (Hawaiian-themed?) after the fact. Maybe show a video of the amazing ceremony for your guests and add in some of the traditional elements like the first dance and the cake cutting.

Bottom line, I think you can get what you want and still make sure everyone feels it's been a wedding celebration to remember.

I actually agree with this.

My mom not being able to attend would be a deal breaker for me too. I say its either all or nothing - you cant expect all the parents EXCEPT your mom to attend. I would univite everyone if mom cant come.

Cortney1982 · Chanel

Keep Hawaii to yourself and your fiance. After you come back, have a party for everyone to celebrate. It's YOUR day so other people's availability or finances shouldn't be your burden.

kealoha · Kate Spade

my father said to me something that sealed the deal, "no matter what you do, you're bound to upset someone. so do what's best for you." we took his word to heart and had a simple ceremony in vegas.

i think you should follow your heart and do what's best for you and your FH. you can't please everyone, but you really have to please yourselves first. get married in hawaii if that's what you both want, then go back and have your reception. honestly, everyone will get over it--our families did and are looking forward to the receptions we have in hawaii (for my side) and chicago (for his). smile

good luck.

littlebean · Kate Spade

I like Suasoria's advice. If Hawaii is what you want -- and it sounds like it is -- then you should do it. I think it will be a terrific place for a wedding and it sounds like it's something you would really enjoy. You have two options -- one is to find a way to get your mom to come and the other is to uninvite everyone. Either is a great option. It sounds like you're leaning towards making it just the two of you, and that will be beautiful. Everyone will and should get over everything.

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. If I have a wedding someday, it will inevitably be somewhere that all of our close friends and family have to pay a fortune to get to since everybody lives all over the country and in different countries. If we have it in my hometown, everyone will complain about having to pay a bunch of money to go somewhere boring. If we have it someplace like Hawaii, everyone will complain about having to pay a bunch of money to go somewhere expensive. It's a lose-lose situation if you get caught up in what everyone else wants... which is why you have to just go with what's right for you!

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I had a destination wedding, and here is how it went down....

My Grandfather didn't attend because he decided he didn't want to travel that far (to St. Thomas). Grandmother left grandpa home and still attended.

Hubby's grandfather and wife decided they didn't want to spend the money on the trip.

Everyone else made it. Our sisters stood for us, so no friends were invited. We held a reception 3 weeks later, with a slide show of pictures playing in the lobby to the ballroom where I greeted our guests, and photos arranged with the flowers at each table.

I wouldn't change it. The photos are beautiful, the pastor did a fantastic job, everyone had a great time.

My in-laws bitched about the expense, but attended, and have apologied on a regular basis that they were sticks in the mud - the had a great time and "are so glad we made them go"

Luckily, my dad paid for my sister and her date. And, my in-laws kicked in a substantial part of my SIL's and her boyfriends costs.

I was so cool calm and collected through the whole thing, because the ceremony and reception were divided up to 2 events, and I just didn't get worked up.

I would totally suggest a destination wedding. Perhaps you can tell your mom that you can afford to pay XX amount, and leave the rest to her.

If no one has already booked anything that can't be cancelled, perhaps you announce that you will elope. It sounds like just family knows of the Hawaii plan, and they can't get too mad at you, they are your family.

-gd

NCshopper · Hermes

I also agree that the wedding should be about you and your FH and what you want. DH and I also did the courthouse thing and it was fantastic. So, so easy and people were surprised, but not disappointed really. Or if they were, they got over it quickly and were happy for us. I say to uninvite everyone, go to Hawaii and get married there in a really small private ceremony and then have a big party when you get back.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Kealoha's dad is totally right--you won't please everyone. Just make sure that you please yourselves and do what you want and everyone else will eventually get over it.

blubirde · Chanel

Do what you want. It's your day. If the parents want to have some part in the special day, tell them you'll do some kind of ceremony or moment or something at the at-home reception to honor them or recognize them. (I don't have any particular suggestions but surely something can be arranged or created.)

You and your hubby are the ones who matter when it comes to the wedding. Go for it!

sweater girl · BCBG

I just got back from attending my sister's destination wedding last week...originally people weren't sure about the destination idea, but it really turned out to be a fabulous experience for all! My sister had the beach wedding of her dreams and the guests enjoyed a great weekend that they won't soon forget! Even our mother, who hadn't flown in 40 years came and had a ball! I think the experience has actually ruined me for all other weddings...I think now I'll be dissapointed unless it's a destination.

Here's what she did...she invited good friends and family and kept a "if you can make it great, if you can't no big deal" attitude. She actually ended up with about 50 guests...she didn't contribute any money towards any of the guests travel expenses...guests did get 2 dinners (rehersal and wedding) and a brunch (post wedding) out of the deal, also what worked in her favor, was a quick flight (under 2 hours) and a really good hotel room discount. My sister also gave people about a years notice...it gave people like our brother, who is in grad school.. time to save up. Don't let your dream of a beach wedding go...you can and you will find a way to make it all work!