STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

atlgirl · Gucci

I Need Serious Baby Advice! (Really Long)

cahabo · Kate Spade

Well I have two little girls of my own. Before them I wasn't really good with little kids nor did I like them. Having your own kids is different though. I play with my own and I know what to do with them to make them happy, but I'm still not all that comfortable around other people's kids. So being comfortable around your own kids will probably not be a problem. I think it's natural and highly doubt someone's own child couldn't stand their parents (except for when they are much older of course!).
Anyways, it sounds like you really want to have children. You never mentioned adoption. With everything you said I think this might be something to consider if you do decide you want to have kids of your own.

Hermes

atlgirl wrote:
I turn 40 in September, so even if I had a baby tomorrow, we'd be 60 when our child graduated high school...which we said we didn't want to have happen

why don't you want this to happen? a lot of people do it, and people I know with older parents don't appear to be missing anything due to their parent's age.

if it's something you really want to have happen, you'll find a way to make it work. people with much less than you have, as well as older people. having children into the mid-forties is not so uncommon anymore.

age and money I do not feel are cons (in your case.) Do know that if you have kids, that your entire life will revolve around them for many years (speaking from experience - I had a 3 year experience with 2 two little girls that called me mom - long story, but to those who may think I don't know what it's like to have kids, I do know what it's like) anyway, travel will be more difficult, heck, just going to the store for some milk can be a major orchestration.

also know there are no guarantees on how kids will turn out - regardless of how well you raise them. I've seen the girl from the most religious family in town turn into a stripper -- and I went to college with a girl who's parents made it clear they had her so they would have someone that would take care of them in old age and that's why they were paying for her college so she could make enough to support them -- something she may not do out of resentment. kids can be a major league pain in the ass, but they can also bring a lot of joy. just know how kids decide to live their lives (regardless of your parenting) can be unpredictable.

just some thoughts off the top of my head early on a sunday morning...

-- Edited by D at 10:01, 2007-07-15

-- Edited by D at 10:04, 2007-07-15

ILoveChoo · Hermes

Ugh. I types a whole huge post and it disappeared. :sad:

Its becoming more common to have children later on in life. Almost everyone that I know that'sstarting their families now are in they're mid-late 30s. So 40 isn;'t that far off if its what you really want.

Can you talk to your doctor about the medical things? Maybe there's something that can help even just a little thats safe to take while pg?

I'd give it some time before you talk to DH too. Did the kids just leave? You might just be missing *them* more than missing having kids around.

blink · Coach

Age is just a number when it comes to having kids. Babies are a blessing, whatever age you have them.

Sometimes just being around young ones just really exposes you to their positive energy which makes you want one. Studies have also shown that just having contact with a baby can stimulate your brain to create those hormones that make you feel what is referred to as "baby fever." So, it's natural, our brains are just wired that way (men too). (I learned this from the book, The Female Brain, by L. Brizendine, MD)

My aunt had her third child, from her second marriage, at age 40. She is now 50, but with a gorgeous little 10 year old girl hanging around her, you would never know it. She did admit it was much more tiring than having a child in her 20's, but oh so obviously worth it! I say kids can keep you young!

OH, and by the way.... Little kids (especially rowdy toddler boys) are notorious for listening to people OTHER than their mommies! So don't think that it's just your magic...though it sounds like you got some good practice! ;)

atlgirl · Gucci

Thanks, ladies - this is great help. Please keep your thoughts coming!! I know via PM there are several others who are interested.

blink, thanks for the reality check. I know it's different when you're the "Cool Aunt and Uncle" than when you're the mom or dad. It's funny though - after my SIL tried some of the same discipline with him, he listened to her as well. I don't think that we're the end-all, be-all of parenting by any means. Surely we would make mistakes and have to learn the hard way. We went through the same thing when our niece was younger (I met her when she was nine). Mom didn't discipline her and though we tried when we were there, we're all the way across the country and now Krystal is 17 and there have been a lot of issues. IMO the biggest issue is that her mom is kind of emotionally stunted at about the same age and doesn't act like a mother much. It's always all about her and she doesn't seem to truly want the best for either of our nieces. I don't understand how you can't want that for a child...anyway, I digress.

ILC, yeah, they just left yesterday morning. So I might feel differently in a week. It's hard to say since this is all new to me. And DH is gone for a week so we are mostly only talking on e-mail and IM. I wouldn't share with him unless I really felt sure, because I think he'd be all over it...and I wouldn't want to hurt him by changing my mind again. He has always said he'd respect whatever decision I made, but he doesn't want his emotions on a roller coaster about it.

D,

**I went to college with a girl who's parents made it clear they had her so they would have someone that would take care of them in old age and that's why they were paying for her college so she could make enough to support them**

How sad is that? I find that depressing. It's one thing to think that (even that's rather sad), but to tell your child that? How will that girl feel loved and cherished if she was told that?

I agree with you - I think nature and nurture both play a big part in things. I'm actually kind of amazed that our youngest niece isn't as wild as our oldest has been. Between the druggie mom, and the lack of schooling (she also has two half sisters in PA; one's in juvie and I'm not sure where the other is) and Daddy's issues...he's on his 5th DUI and spent some time in jail last year...and my SIL's lack of warmth, I'd have thought she'd be a hellion. Of course I guess it could still happen, but she shows no signs of it yet. I don't expect kids to be perfect...I understand when my nephew throws a fit occasionally - he's three, he gets tired, he gets bored, etc. But the behavior SIL and BIL tolerate from him is really inappropriate sometimes. My oldest niece grew up knowing she could get around her mom - Kris never *really* puts her foot down; she'll say no, but then she'll give in - and I'm betting that our nephew is already learning how much he can get away with. I am a little worried about his teen years.

cahabo,

When DH and I talked about kids earlier in our relationship, we both knew we likely wouldn't want to adopt. We really would want kids of our own, if that was possible. If it's not (and if I still feel this strongly in a few days, I'll make an appt. to talk to my dr.), then I'd assume that's how it's meant to be - we wouldn't do in vitro or anything else probably. I guess then I'd look into foster care or something instead, maybe. I don't even know much about that, because I've never thought it would be something I'd consider. I suppose the first thing to do is take a little time and see if I still feel this way in the near future. And talk to my dr. to find out if it's even feasible for us personally.

I really appreciate the responses - I feel less alone in this. It's hard because DH is the person I'd normally go to but I don't want to try and hash it all out with him because it will probably just upset him unless I'm sure.

-- Edited by atlgirl at 15:36, 2007-07-15

NCshopper · Hermes

First off, let me say that I think you and your DH would make GREAT parents. You both are incredibly grounded, sensible people and your commitment to each other makes me think that you'd be excellent parents.

Anyway, I say sleep on it for at least a week. Not to make this sound trite, but you wouldn't buy a purse without thinking about it and sleeping on it for some time (hello, Francesco Biasia Secret Love purse!

). I guess I'm trying to say that you want to make sure this isn't a whim. I know you miss the neice and nephew, but you need to make sure it's more than that before you tell B.

If after a week or so, I'd say that's when you should go to the doctor and see if this is actually a viable option for you, considering your illness and the pain management. If it's something that you could do, and I'm thinking it probably is because there's probably other women that have faced this same dilema with your illness, then that's when you have the conversation with your DH. I'm not a fan of keeping secrets, but I really wouldn't want for him to get his hopes up only to find out that it might not be possible. But on the other hand, I wouldn't want you to get your hopes up and then not have B to lean on emotionally.

As far as the finances, travel, and lifestyle, I think that those things would sort themselves out if this is something you really want to make happen. As D said, people make do with a lot less and find a way to make it work. I'm certain that you could do the same. I'm not meaning to trivialize the finances and lifestyle aspect of all of this, because it is a big deal, but I just think if you really want a baby, you'd find a way to make it work.

Anyway, good luck as you make this decision. I'll be thinking of you.

blubirde · Chanel

I was going to write out this long, drawn-out response but basically what it comes down to is that I think your feelings are normal. Kids are cute and cuddly (and horrifying). Loving them is natural, imo. Maybe your feelings have more to do with establishing a connection with the kids rather than actually having kids?

I do not want kids (at least not right now - I reserve the right to think about changing my mind), but I love my niece and nephews. I always feel a loss when we separate after an extended time together. I think some babies are cute, I like holding them, etc. But none of those feelings are the same as WANTING children of my own. I think a lot of people confuse the good feelings children give you (when they aren't pooping on you or yelling at you or just generally being banshees) with wanting to have children. I'm not saying you're doing that all. You sound like you're really taking your thoughts and feelings seriously and thinking things through. I'm just saying it's natural (and probably very honest) to have good feelings with/around kids and still not want them for yourself, if that makes any sense.

I agree with everyone who said to wait awhile. If you feel the same a week from now, a month from now, or whatever your time frame is for your decision making mechanisms, then you'll have your answer.

To have or not to have children is such a complicated issue. The things to consider are so vast - it's practically overwhelming. Personally I think not having children is one of the least selfish things a person could ever do. Go with your gut. You'll have your answer.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

My mom had me at 37 25 years ago... its not so horrible being an older mother.. as for the meds, have you ever considered adopting?

I would definatelt get involved in some sort of charity (there are tons where you can mentor children) and see if this is going to be something you really really yearn for. I know you won't have regrets if you do have kids but perhaps you will regret not having kids when the time window is gone.

erin · Chanel

i wouldn't worry about the age thing. to be honest, i often feel out of place because i am almost always the youngest mom wherever we go. (and i am 29!)

i do agree with what D said about your whole life will basically have to revolve around kids for awhile. i'm sure with some couples it's not as drastic of a change, but as a parent with an extremely fussy infant who became a fussy baby and now fussy toddler, it's really hard sometimes. she's a lot better now, but i can't even imagine if she had to go to daycare.

as for the health issues, i'd talk to your doctor. but i know when lilah was colicky, sometimes at night i would have to hold her for 3-4 hours pacing back and forth and she would cry if i tried to rock her instead (which is so much easier). this lasted almost 4 months, btw.

i was not the biggest kid person, and i would still go as far to say i dislike most other people's kids, but i love lilah to pieces and even with all her baggage my husband and i agree she is the best ever!

Drew · Gucci

Just to throw another idea out here: have you considered foster care or even adoption? If age is a concern, you could adopt an older child. There are so many children that deserve a second chance, but many don't get that chance.
I want to do it, but DH doesn't. It isn't right for everyone, but it's something to consider. It takes a really, really long time (at least for foster care), but my friend who went through an almost three year process says it's the most fulfillment she has ever had in life (she is almost 50 years old).

Good luck whatever you decide.

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I would also like to suggest adoption. Not only would that address not passing along genetic depression, the having to stop your allergy meds, but iy would also allow you to adopt an older child so you weren't 60 when the child graduated (I don't think that's so bad, but if that's not what you want, it's not what you want).

The older the child, typically the harder it is for them to find an adoptive home. Also, you have mentioned through your story that you have a basic understanding for the need for consistancy and disipline, which is going to be necessary for an older adopted child (any child, but I would think especially true of an older one who has been bounced through foster homes).

If you adopted one that was old enough to attend first grade or older, you would have plenty of time during the school day to work on your business. Also, many schools now offer "schools of choice" which basically means if you can get them there, they can attend. So, if you were willing to drive a short ways to a close but better school district, you wouldn't have to worry about living in a not-so good school district, paying for private school, or worry about moving.

I also agree that mentoring would be a good idea.

-gd

Suasoria · Chanel

It sounds like the cons outweigh the pros as things stand right now. (I say this as someone who feels pretty much like you do - I don't care for babies but like older kids a lot, and hub and I don't want any of our own.)

Just the fact of not having family closeby is a major consideration - I have some friends in that situation and they say it's turned out to be a much bigger problem than they realized. They've even considered moving thousands of miles away just to be closer to either of their families. It sounds like a trivial detail, but it may not be.

Your age can be an issue, not because you'd be an "older mom" compared to other mommies (barely, if at all) but because there are different health risks to consider. Of course medical/prenatal care is great now, but it's a lot to put yourself through. You're at a higher risk for postpartum depression since you've suffered from depression in the past, and with a spouse who is away from home a lot it's an incredible burden on you alone.

But if what you're going through persists, I agree with the above: don't rule out adopting a child who isn't an infant, or foster parenting if you meet the criteria. This could be an ideal choice all around. Since you are older and wiser, you're really well equipped to care for a child with special needs or emotional problems. Based on your experiences with your niece and nephew, you seem to know what it takes to ease the suffering of a child...and there are so many out there who are suffering.

Hang in there...I'll be thinking about ya.

atlgirl · Gucci

Thanks to all of you who responded! I do find I'm still thinking about it - a lot - nearly three weeks after the family left. I find I am not so "put off" by kids in general when I'm out running errands, and we went to a party last weekend at a friend's house which was kid-friendly. I actuallly did some baby-sitting of three girls while we were there (all 3+ years), so their moms could relax and talk. And I was kind of sad when they all went to bed / home. In the past at these parties, I've always had the feeling of "okay, this is nice, but when are the kids going to go to bed so we adults can have some fun?". I didn't feel like that last weekend at all.

I have realized some things though, over the past weeks. I don't really have any physical desire to be pregnant. I think that (and the idea of having an infant around - off meds, disrupted sleep schedule, etc) has been my sticking point for many years. I am now leaning toward adoption, thinking about a child around age 3. I have no idea what's involved in adopting a non-infant, but will look into it. Interestingly, there was a couple at this party - friends of our friends, but we've never met them over the years - who have adopted a baby (now 2) from Guatemala, and they are in process of adopting another. Funny, the timing of meeting them now...! Plus one of my best friends just moved here - she and her DH have a 5 and 7 y/o. We had dinner the other night (with the kids) and I told her we are happy to babysit when they need a date night or something (which is true - I have no problem babysitting). I feel like life is putting a lot of interaction with kids around me right now!

Anyway, I still haven't told DH - though I did tell my mom and one of my good girlfriends. They both gave me helpful, honest input and didn't seem to think it would be totally out of line for me to be a mom (by whatever means). I am still going to do the mentoring and see how that makes me feel. And then if I still feel this strongly, I will talk to DH and see what he thinks about it all.

Thanks again to all of you who took the time to give me your thoughts. I really appreciate your perspectives and it's helped me SO much.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

atlgirl, I think it's AMAZING that you're thinking of adopting an older child--it sounds like the perfect fit for your lifestyle and health considerations, and there are so many needy kids waiting for a good home. Whatever you decide, we support you.

cc · Marc Jacobs

sephorablue wrote:

atlgirl, I think it's AMAZING that you're thinking of adopting an older child--it sounds like the perfect fit for your lifestyle and health considerations, and there are so many needy kids waiting for a good home. Whatever you decide, we support you.

I totally agree! I understand how you feel - my boyfriend's parents are much older than mine (they had him when they were 40 and 42) and seeing his situation has made me think hard about how late I'd be willing to have kids. It seems like this would be a really great option for you and your husband if you decide to pursue becoming parents.