STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

RE: Secret $$$$

NCshopper · Hermes

lynnie wrote:

Drew wrote:

NCshopper wrote:
And yes, I tend to agree that if one feels like she needs it because "you never know" then there are some issues in the relationship.
Not in my case, so it must be the same for plenty of other women! I think it is super smart to be prepared for anything, it's life and life always brings the unexpected at some point.

Yea, i agree. I'm confused as to why this is indicative of a problem in a relationship. As previously stated, "you never know" could be widowhood, a man that isn't as financially educated as the woman, maintaining a little independence, or many other scenarios. all of those things still lend themselves to perfectly healthy relationships. i don't think its dishonest or bad- different strokes for different folks. everyone needs a different "safety net" to feel comfortable. I know my bf's is MUCH lower than mine.

I totally agree with being prepared and having a safety net. And I am certainly of the mindset that having some money in reserve just in case is a good thing. I have a safety net bank account, as does DH, but my point is that it's not a secret. Things happen--cars break down, people get sick, etc., but my point is that if a woman feels the need to keep a secret account that the husband doesn't even know about, then that speaks to larger issues in the relationship. It's not about having the account--it's about lying about it.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

The thing about the "secret stash" (which btw, I'm opposed to) is that it is still martial assets and legelly has to be disclosed and dealt with accordingly in the event of divorce or widowhood.

I do think it's fine to have seperate accounts, the problem is the secret part.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

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It's not about having the account--it's about lying about it.

Exactly what I was thinking. If you have to lie to your spouse, then there is a problem.

lynnie · Chanel

i understand that legally it would have to be disclosed. but if you have one and don't mention it, i don't consider it lying. Not even saying i'd have a secret account, but i don't think its indicative of a problem. i don't know, maybe i'm not the marrying type. I keep a lot of secrets. Nothing that would hurt someone, but little things about myself. personally, i disagree that everything has to be 100% in the open. its my personality, and i understand some people talk about everything. i don't. even w/my best friends/family. Please don't judge me because of that.

Kelly · Hermes

I agree that it's not the seperate account that's the problem (I plan on having a seperate account for as long as I live), it's the fact that it's a secret. I think everyone is entitled to their "secrets," but I guess I dont' think money in a marriage is an acceptable secret. While you're single, sure. Even if you live together. But once you're married, I think things like that have to be in the open. Even if I open up a bank account my husband can't ever touch, He'll know about it. He just might not know that I used that account to drop a huge wad of $ on shoes, that's all

kittenheels · Coach

That's an interesting question. I've never thought of keeping my accounts secret from DH, but I definitely have an account that contains some separate savings. It's a pre-marital asset that I wouldn't want to co-mingle. I know my grandmother always told my mum and aunts to have a separate account in case they ever needed it. I like the freedom it gives me - I can spend on me and it's none of his business.

I wonder if the emphasis on secrecy maybe came from a different generation when women had less opportunities to work outside the home and were maybe a little bit more vulnerable to divorce/widowhood causing financial hardship than working women?

FashionPrincess · Hermes

lynnie wrote:

Please don't judge me because of that.

I don't think anyone is judging you, at least I know I'm not. Don't want anyone's feelings hurt aww But secrets in a marriage can lead to hurt, even if not intended to and it can lead to feelings of mistrust, just speaking from experience.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:
I generally don't condone secrets and money is one of those things that is SUCH a dealbreaker for couples that having a "secret" fund just seems like a recipe for disaster. And yes, I tend to agree that if one feels like she needs it because "you never know" then there are some issues in the relationship. Money's one of those things that both people need to be on the same page on and I'm not sure how keeping a secret account solves any problems. If a woman can't spend your money the way she wants because her husband won't "let her" then there are larger issues in the relationship. And if guilt or trust are factors, then those also speak to larger issues as well.

ITA. I couldn't have said it any better.

lynnie · Chanel

FashionPrincess wrote:

lynnie wrote:

Please don't judge me because of that.

I don't think anyone is judging you, at least I know I'm not. Don't want anyone's feelings hurt But secrets in a marriage can lead to hurt, even if not intended to and it can lead to feelings of mistrust, just speaking from experience.

Oh yea, i know. i'm not really hiding anything, but i guess i just prefer a little mystery- on his end too.
hmm well i guess i was just trying to say that in SOME cases, its a personal issue, and not a relationship issue. It doesn't always have to mean problems. Its just money.

bloomie · Marc Jacobs

It is a terrible idea to hide money from your spouse. Just think how it would make you feel if he hid it from you.

blubirde · Chanel

If I were married, I would definitely have my own accounts. I wouldn't feel weird about opening a new one and not telling my SO either. I wouldn't keep it from him if he asked, but it's not really his business what I do with my money. Of course, all of this would be after I'd contributed to joint bills, savings, etc.

And I don't think it's necessarily asking for disaster to have a "secret account." I also don't think it says bad things about the relationship. It never hurts to have a safe fund somewhere - no matter how happy you are in your relationship. You never know what can happen in the future, relationship ending or not.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

ILoveChoo wrote:

I dont get the point. In a divorce, it would legally have to be split anyway.

This is only true in states that have community property laws and there are not as many of them as one would think.

Drew · Gucci

I have a safety net bank account, as does DH, but my point is that it's not a secret. Things happen--cars break down, people get sick, etc., but my point is that if a woman feels the need to keep a secret account that the husband doesn't even know about, then that speaks to larger issues in the relationship. It's not about having the account--it's about lying about it.

I just don't understand one thing: when did having a secret become tatamount to lying? A secret is just that, a secret. Not a lie. It's not something that has to be discussed, or shared, or anything. A secret can be held to the one who has it without compromising morals so long as the secret is not harmful to anyone or anything. Please don't insinuate that lying must be a part of a relationship because someone has something all their own that their partner is not aware of.

NCshopper · Hermes

FashionPrincess wrote:

lynnie wrote:

Please don't judge me because of that.

I don't think anyone is judging you, at least I know I'm not. Don't want anyone's feelings hurt But secrets in a marriage can lead to hurt, even if not intended to and it can lead to feelings of mistrust, just speaking from experience.

I agree. I want to clarify that in no means am I judging anyone. Everyone chooses to live their lives differently and money is an extraordinarily personal thing that encompasses so many issues: trust, self-worth, security, and emotion. There's not much else in our lives that has those kinds of feelings associated with it.

My feelings on the topic are strong because I believe that secrets in a marriage can shake the foundation of the relationship. I feel that it's extremely important to be on the same page about money in a relationship and that that's not possible if one is carrying secrets about it.

bex · Chanel

since getting married this fall, we have been doing a lot of research on how to handle our money.

FH was surprised to learn that i have IRAs, savings accounts, etc. that he didn't know about. I save WAY more than he does.

I do have one account that i never told him about. It was opened after my sister's death when i was 8 years old with money from her estate and i have occasionally funneled money into it. to me, thats my account and he doesn't need to know about it. but i also tend to forget about it myself. in fact, until i started writing about this, i just remembered i had it!

however, we are pretty independant about everything in our relationship. we aren't getting joint checking accounts or savings accounts. we will continue to 1/2 our livings expenses, etc. it has worked for us for 3 years and i assume it will continue to do so.

i think everyone is entitled to their own personal way of saving/spending money. everyone is so different when it comes to it that its hard for me to judge what is "right" and what is "wrong".

I think a "secret savings" is good for emergencies, etc. what is something happens to DH? what if you need the money for something that you don't have enough in other accounts?