STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

BargainQueen · Marc Jacobs

Married folks/parents...How do you make friends?

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Oh, if you lived here me and my dh would be friends with you all! But I do know exactly what you're going thru. We have recently started to develop some couple friends from becoming active in our church. And I agree that you will more than likely meet some people thru your dd's activities.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

What about taking a cooking class together? I have heard that is a great place to meet other couples.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I hear ya!!

We also got married very young (19 & 20) and even after beeing married for a long time now it has been a challange meeting other couples who we feel we "click" with and dont bring drama. It is so easy to meet other couples, the hard part in my opinion is the quality of the friendship they can bring and more often than not I seem to run into conceited, judgemental and just down right annoying people we would never be friends with.

While I feel so blessed that my DH is trully my best friend, it would be wonderful to have couples we really got along with. We had one close friendship, but her husband died in a tragic accident last year and now we rarely see her bec it makes her sad to be with us. (reminds her of her lost DH)

Anywho, I dont really have many suggestions. So I would love to hear some...

Kelly · Hermes

I'm not married and am not in this situation, so I hope I'm not sounding fluffy or pat.

As I've gotten older my mom and I have more real conversations, and we've talked a couple times about how she feels the same way. My dad has a big family and isn't the most friendly person until you get to know him really well, so he's happy just with them and usually when they see anyone it's a family function. She likes my dad's side of the family but it's not the same as having outside friends.

I think basically what she ended up doing was making her own friends - she's not an overly social person and with two big families she doesn't have time for a whole lot of socialization, but she met a few people through a gardening class and at work that she really hit it off with. After she went out with them a few times, they started bringing their husbands along sometimes. By then my mom and her friend were already close so they could carry a conversation easily without the awkwardness of four people trying to become friends all of the sudden. My dad has basically done the same thing with his friends, but to a lesser extent just because, like I said, he's not really social at all.

I know this sounds kind of horrible, but when I meet a couple at the same time (married or otherwise), if I don't like one of them I kind of avoid the both of them. Since I'm not already invested in one of them, I just keep them both at a distance. But if I make a good friend, then by the time I meet his/her SO I make a better effort to get along with said SO just because I want to keep my friendship alive. I still don't like a lot of my friend's SOs, but some I've learned to get along with and now I'm happy I didn't shut the couple out just because I disliked one or the other. I also find it more difficult to meet a couple at once instead of a person alone - if I start talking to the wife I feel like I'm alienating the husband, and if I'm talking to the husband I'm afraid the wife will start thinking I'm trying to flirt with him. It's too much to handle at once! So maybe try meeting people on your own at hobbies, work, classes, etc., and slowly meshing the groups and bringing each other along?

jacL · Coach

Anyway...we're feeling lonely, we have fun together, but we miss having people over or going to a friend's house or taking mini vacations with other people. There's only so much DH & I can talk about...DH: so what you do today?..Me: I went shopping...you were with me remember?....DH: Oh yeah...

I know this so well--LOL!

My live-in BF of many years and I have very few "couple" friends. We really choose very different people to befriend so it is hard to find a couple with whom we can hang out with a lot. When we do hang out with other couples it is usually with the younger members of his extended family and their SOs. The only thing is, we live in a different city than most of his family, and we never see the ones who do live in our city.

We have managed by basically keeping our own friends. We like to have his cousins, etc. visit with their SOs, but otherwise we keep it "alone time" or "friend time." I love doing couple things but it is also nice for us to both go out with our own friends once in awhile.

I think Farrah's idea of taking a cooking class (or, any class for that matter) sounds fun!

NCshopper · Hermes

We're in the same boat too. We actually don't have any "couple friends"--the few friends we have here are single. I think it's hard enough to find friends alone, but when people pair up, it's like you have to get along with the girl and the guy and your DH also has to get along with both in order for it to work.

Anyway, DH and I have met most friends through work and have become friends with friends-of-friends. Cooking classes would probably be a good place to meet people, as might a church, if you go to church. I think being a mom would actually make it easier for you--you'd have a lot more to talk about right off the bat with someone because your kids would naturally be the same age. I'm sure there are plenty of working mom play groups around--check the newspaper and check online. Also, just go out and about--instead of playing with your DD in the backyard, take her to the park or take walks around the neighborhood. Classes and activities you do with your daughter like swimming lessons and YMCA groups will also allow you to strike up a natural conversation with people.

I'd avoid going out with the idea of trying to find friends--I think I did this in the back of my head for the first few years I was here and I'd always end up feeling disappointed or really needy. It's important to remember that friendships can't be forced and you won't become bff with a couple overnight.

subwolley · Kate Spade

I agree that taking classes or getting a new hobby that involves other people is a great way to make new friends. Hopefully, you will meet new people when you kid starts doing activities as well. I also think making your own friends is better than you and your husband trying to make friends together. What if you like the couple, and he doesn't...vise versa? I think you should talk to other parents at the kid's activities. Also what if you did a search online to meet people? I don't know through what service, but maybe you could find something like Match.com for friends or something.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

we went on a volunteer vacation with four other couples (all people my SO knew), but we ended up hanging out as couples afterward. i think being forced to have a connection right away helped, vs. us just meeting for dinner with nothing in common. it was nice because we would work during the day and hang out at night and there was enough couples that we could choose which people we bonded with and hang with them (although we had to be nice to all of them because my SO was friends with all of them).

it's funny because the couple that we actually went to dinner with often before the trip, we ended up not hanging out with after the trip (the guy was nice and i still like him, but his gf sucked and going on vacation with her was ten times worse than sitting through a two hour dinner).

i agree with everyone else that it's a lot harder to find two people in the equation vs. one. while i have liked some of my gf's guys, there were definitely times when i knew that my bf would not like the person, or would feel uncomfortable if all four of us went out.

i think with your DD it will be easier, but if you and your hubby can find a hobby that you both can do, where there will be other couples, that might be a good way to go. even if you don't find other couple friends, you will still be doing a hobby that you both enjoy together.

maybe you can each pick one thing to make the other do, like dance lessons, golf, etc..

shopgirl82 · Chanel

subwolley wrote:

I agree that taking classes or getting a new hobby that involves other people is a great way to make new friends. Hopefully, you will meet new people when you kid starts doing activities as well. I also think making your own friends is better than you and your husband trying to make friends together. What if you like the couple, and he doesn't...vise versa? I think you should talk to other parents at the kid's activities. Also what if you did a search online to meet people? I don't know through what service, but maybe you could find something like Match.com for friends or something.

my best friend found her book club through craigslist. there seems to be a lot of groups there.

kenzie · Chanel

ttara123 wrote:
I know this sounds kind of horrible, but when I meet a couple at the same time (married or otherwise), if I don't like one of them I kind of avoid the both of them. Since I'm not already invested in one of them, I just keep them both at a distance. But if I make a good friend, then by the time I meet his/her SO I make a better effort to get along with said SO just because I want to keep my friendship alive. So maybe try meeting people on your own at hobbies, work, classes, etc., and slowly meshing the groups and bringing each other along?

I tend to agree with this. Even though I'm not married, I'm still in a relationship that could easily head in that direction. The idea of 'couple shopping' makes it seem almost forced. I'd rather just take classes or pursue something that interests me and meet people that way. Chances are, at my age, they are either married or in a serious relationship, so then eventually, my SO and I can hang do things with them.

And of course, I have my own friends and he has his own friends from before we met and sometimes we do things with them and their SO's. For example, this weekend, we're going to visit my best friend and her bf in Cape May. He's met her before, but he's never met him, but I know we're still going to have a good time.

-- Edited by kenzie at 19:47, 2007-05-03

travelgirl · Kate Spade

I SO know where you are coming from! My husband and I have always had problems finding other couples to hang with. We married and had our first son when we were really young so the problem was that most of the people our age were still in "party mode" and we were not. Then we moved to another city and we knew no one there and never really met any couples when we lived in that city. Then we moved back home and by that time we were both knee-deep in new, demanding careers. Then we had our two little boys (in addition to our older son) and I was traveling like crazy and too busy to have ANY friends really. Now we are finally to a point where we want and have time to hang out with other people but it is still really hard to find others that we really click with. I have made some great friends during the past few years through work but they ALL live in other cities that are hours away from here due to the nature of my job (I work remotely/from my home office). This is sooo frustrating for me because I know if we lived close we would do stuff all the time together.

How old is your child? I have to say we have met some friends through our son's sports activities. This is a decent way to meet others but still most of the people I have met are friends but not "best friend" types. We do however get together for pig roasts after the football games stuff like that. This kind of stuff is fine but I would love to find another couple that would want to do stuff with us-kids included- more frequently.

Other ways we have met other couples/families:
-I organized a "progressive" dinner in our neighborhood in order to meet our neighbors (very fun!)
-My husband COACHED my son's basketball team and that was a really good way to meet people because you are forced to interact with the other parents...
-We met others during our Lamaze classes (maybe it is time to think about having another baby??? Just kidding!)
-Our toddler sons' preschool has a "mom's night out" and I have met others through that...
-Our city has a GREAT mom's website and there are all kinds of playgroups you can sign up for (including couples meet-ups)...

Hope that helps!

BargainQueen · Marc Jacobs

FP, it'd be so fun to be your friend outside of ST, too bad I live on the other side of the country

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I agree about trying to find couple friends could feel forced. I looked in to some of the local playgroups, but I dont think they're for me. There's too much rules like, "we have to meet you within 30 days, we'll all see if this group is right for you, or if you will fit in and you must show up to a least one weekly event there after". Although I understand they want to keep the cohesiveness of the group going, I cant help but feel like stressed out about making a good impression and saying things that will make them like me and sticking to deadlines.

DH & I are definetely signing up soon to be 3 yr old DD to Swim Lessons and Gymnastics so we're really excited to see if we meet people there. Even if we dont meet a "couple", I'd be nice to have a girl to go shopping or go to the gym with me instead of DH once in a while.