STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Sandy · Kate Spade

Really, really hard situation

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I think the most important thing for you to do is be supportive. When she asks "would you wait?" I would say "this isn't about what I would do, its about you."

Personally, I wouldn't give him another minute of my time. However, when someone is going through such a hard time, having a friend say things like that doesn't help the situation.

She doesn't have to make a decision yes or no about waiting for him.. only time will tell. He might learn a lesson and sober up and become the best father and husband a man could be. Or he might get into more trouble in jail while your friend meets someone else. Only time will tell. In the meantime, be a shoulder to cry on. The therapy should help as well.

Teresa · Kate Spade

I don't know...Personally I have done some shitty things and I dont know why my family has stood by me all these years, but they have and I guess thats what makes them family. What pops into my head is "for better and worse" Yeah, this is a LOT worse than they probably ever planned for, but I do believe that evil exists in this world, and its a lot easier to get into it than it is out. I don't think its a question of whether she loves this man or not, I think that is clear, but I think it is a question of how much more she can handle emotionally, am I right? Personally, if I believed there was one bit of hope that this man could recover and come out stronger I would back him 100%, but if I thought he was too far into addiction, and he was no longer the man I loved and too much damage had been done to my kids and myself I would move on. I guess I am contradicting myself, but it all comes down to hope.

blubirde · Chanel

I agree with xtina in that you just have to be supportive when she talks about the issue. If she pushes and really wants to know what you think, I think you owe it to her to be honest. Hopefully she's a good enough friend that she'll be able to take what you have to say to her.

As for me, no way in hell would I wait for that guy. For what? For my children's father to spend 20 years in jail and come out being a hardened criminal (assumptions)? So I can tell the kids their dad is a felon? No way. She needs to move on with her life and make the best out of it. If it were me, I'd consider him a lost cause, gone forever. I'd do everything in my power to put that part of my life behind me and move on. Of course I realize it's way easier said than done and I don't have kids, etc., etc., etc., but you asked our opinion and there it is. I'm sorry for her but I think the best thing she can do for herself and her kids is start fresh away from him.

You're a good friend for caring so much. Be there for her as much as you can, that's all you can do.

Kelly · Hermes

I agree with bluebirde. I wouldn't wait for him. She may love him, and I don't doubt that at one time he was a catch or a wonderful man. But jail is a life-changing experience, so when he gets out in 20 years he'll no doubt be a vastly different person - as will she. There is no way I would wait for 20 years for someone who has already proven himself irresponsible and prone to such bad choices - especially with a child involved. And if she waits for him and he gets out after all that time and they find out they're no longer compatible, she will either be heartbroken at the loss of those 20 years or unhappy but feels obligated to stay because she invested so much time waiting for him.

Honestly, I can't see a reason why she should wait for him. That's a lot for him to ask of her considering what he did. And if I were you, I think that if you don't think she should wait, you should tell her. Not harshly, but the nice way only a good friend can. I think you'll be saving her from years of heartache.

NCshopper · Hermes

I wouldn't really offer your opinion unless she really presses you on it. I think what she's looking for is someone to listen and be supportive. Take her out to coffee or lunch or for drinks every now and then and let her vent to you and just nod and listen and offer your sympathy. When she asks you what you would do, you could say, "Honestly, I have no idea. I know that this is going to be hard for you and I'm here for you and I'll be behind you 100%, no matter what you choose to do." Because really, I think that's probably all she's looking to hear. Good luck to you (and to her) on this. That's a really crappy situation and I'm sorry to hear that things took a turn for the worse since you last posted about this.

littlebean · Kate Spade

NCshopper wrote:

I wouldn't really offer your opinion unless she really presses you on it. I think what she's looking for is someone to listen and be supportive. Take her out to coffee or lunch or for drinks every now and then and let her vent to you and just nod and listen and offer your sympathy. When she asks you what you would do, you could say, "Honestly, I have no idea. I know that this is going to be hard for you and I'm here for you and I'll be behind you 100%, no matter what you choose to do." Because really, I think that's probably all she's looking to hear. Good luck to you (and to her) on this. That's a really crappy situation and I'm sorry to hear that things took a turn for the worse since you last posted about this.

I think this is great advice. Good luck.

Bastet · Kate Spade

What an awful situation! Personally, I wouldn't wait for him. 20 years is a long time. Even if he got out in 10 for good behavior (if your state does that w/ felons), 10 years is still a long time to expect her to wait when he wronged her and their son so severely. I think it's really selfish of him to expect her to put her life on hold for him. What kind of person will he be when he gets out of jail? How do you explain to a child what's going on? Do you bring the child to a prison for visitation?

But, like others have said, I wouldn't offer the opinion unless really pressed for it. It has to be her own decision, and I think she just needs your support while she weighs her options.

Kuiper · Nine West

It's selfish for him to ask her to wait and it shows what kind of man he is. You are not a good person if father a child and then go use cocaine. You are a horrible man and a horrible father. Why would she even contemplate waiting for such a person?