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Post Info TOPIC: Mostly a deadbeat. *Update*
cahabo


Kate Spade

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Mostly a deadbeat. *Update*
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Here is the situation: Both my daughters who are 4, and 13 months live with me, and their father lives about a 4 hours car ride away. They have always lived with me except for about two years ago the eldest daughter and I lived with her father for seven months. Well since then their father rarely called (once ever few months) and never came to see them until about a week ago. (This was the first time he had ever seen the baby and the first time he seen the eldest girl in over a year.)

It just really bothers me that he doesn't make an effort to call frequently and visit often. He claims he loves them, but keeps making excuses as to why he doesn't call much or visit. Plus on a side note he doesn't pay a lick of child support. (This really pisses me off.) He doesn't even send cards or gifts on birthdays and holidays, nor bothers with a phone call for a personal greeting.

When he came for a visit I told him he needs to start calling at least once a week even if it's only for a few minutes and that he needs to visit at least every few months. I think these rare calls and visits are doing more harm than good to my four year old. Ever since his visit, my eldest keeps looking out the window waiting for him to come. This is terribly sad to me. I'm thinking it would be best to let my daughter forget her father if he doesn't start calling and visiting regularly. Both my girls have plenty of other fatherly figures in their lives. Would it be wrong of me to cut ties?

***Update***


So he still hasn't called yet. Today I was totally shocked to discover he traveled all the way over here (for what I have no idea) -my brother saw him at a gas station and then I drove past him later- and he didn't bother to come visit his girls. That is it. He is out of the picture now whether he likes it or not.

For the child support issue, there is already a support order for my oldest daughter, just that the father isn't paying.  For my youngest daughter there is an open case, but I don't know what's going on with it. The child support enforcement in my state isn't very good I guess. I'm sure eventually I'll get what I'm owed.

Thankyou for all your comments. It good to know views from people who have been there.

.

-- Edited by cahabo at 00:22, 2007-04-28

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NCshopper


Hermes

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Mostly a deadbeat.
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I see no reason NOT to cut ties, actually. This guy isn't contributing financially or emotionally to them and their future. This part is coming from someone with no experience in this whatsoever, so take it with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that your girls would be better off emotionally if they had no relationship with him at all as opposed to one where they are continually disappointed by him. Having a healthy relationship with a father-figure growing up is so important because it forms the basis for other relationships with males, but it has to be a healthy relationship and it seems as though that's not going to happen with their biological father.

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luckylily


Gucci

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I say he's either in or he's out. He either commits to the girls (at least emotionally if not financially) or you cut ties. It isn't fair to them that he calls or visits when he's in the mood. They need more consistency and I think it must be really confusing for your 4 year old.

I'm so sorry, that's a tough situation for you and your girls. I also have no experience with this, but that's my instinct.

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Kelly


Hermes

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NCshopper wrote:

I see no reason NOT to cut ties, actually. This guy isn't contributing financially or emotionally to them and their future. This part is coming from someone with no experience in this whatsoever, so take it with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that your girls would be better off emotionally if they had no relationship with him at all as opposed to one where they are continually disappointed by him. Having a healthy relationship with a father-figure growing up is so important because it forms the basis for other relationships with males, but it has to be a healthy relationship and it seems as though that's not going to happen with their biological father.



 I totally agree.



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itsapinkthing


Coach

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You have a PM

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Suasoria


Chanel

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I also agree that it sounds like cutting ties is best for all of you.

A father who does not pay child support is a deadbeat - no 'mostly' about it. The financial support would be a bigger deal for me, personally. Not to be materialistic, but I'd be more accepting of this situation if I had an extra $1200 a month in the bank in child support. (And there's a chance that if he's paying for the privilege of having children, he might be inclined to see them once in a while.)

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blubirde


Chanel

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I don't want to give you advice one way or another on this situation, because I don't feel I'm qualified. I don't know the ramifications of an absent dad vs. a mostly absent dad.

But I do recommend you go after the child support you are owed. It's the law and he owes it to you, no matter if he ever sees the kids again or not.

It sucks you have to deal with issues like these. Again, I'm not the best at giving advice in this situation but I feel for you.

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Kitty


Hermes

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My Dad was somewhat absent (always at work, emotionally unavailable, not really there at all for us, etc.) and I would prefer that to having no dad. But maybe that's just me and my situation is obviously a little different. I'm not really an expert on this, either, so I would say do what you think is best for you and your girls.

That being said, you should totally go after the child support!

I



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monica


Kenneth Cole

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i agree w/ the other posters re: child support - you should totally fight him on this.

and i agree on cutting ties. my father was completely unavailable growing up - both physically and emotionally and i think it would have been easier for both my sisters and my mother to not have him around.

i'm sorry that you're going through this.

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Suasoria


Chanel

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Partly because of this thread I had a nice talk with my BFF yesterday, who has two kids and went through a divorce this year. Her ex was always a pretty lousy father and now it's worse. She cracked me up with a line about how now that she's a single mom she no longer has time to teach him how to be a parent. I thought you'd appreciate that comment!

I can totally see how her ex's neglectful and moronic parenting skills are damaging the kids, so yeah, I wish they could be shielded from that by just forgetting about him completely. (They're around 7 and 12 years old, so it's too late for that.)

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Elle


Hermes

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I've been the child in this situation, actually, so I thought I'd give my two cents!

IMO, my life was much better with my bio-dad not being in the picture At. All.  Neither my mom or myself had to endure any of the yelling, fighting, angst, etc that comes along with keeping in contact and I'm so, so grateful for it!  She had people around to support her and help care for me, and she met someone else and married when I was 3.  That dad is the only one I've ever known, and if my mom had wasted a bunch of time trying to facilitate a relationship with my bio-dad I don't think she would have been open, willing, or able to begin a new relationship. 

My mom never received child support (but this was back in the day a bit, so laws have changed!), and hasn't seen bio-dad in 23 years now.  She says that even when it was difficult just her and I alone, it was always much happier and simpler than if he'd been in the picture.

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small fry


Chanel

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Yes he needs to be in contact or cut the ties.Please try to get child support that is the least he could do. If the girls have  postive father figures that is great it will be easier if the Dad does not stay in contact. Any updates?

My mother and my bio dad divorced when I was about a year old, his drinking was more imporant to him than me and my Mom. My mom re- married when I was four and this is who I think of as Dad. I was in contact from time to time when I was younger with my bio dad but never had the father- daughter feelings. My Mom tried to file for child support but he would always disappear.



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