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XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Being Godmother... long story

brazilian · Dooney & Bourke

I'm sorry. I think you have a right to be hurt, but I dont think you should have taken it out so much on your brother. I understand you being hurt by your SIL after she "demoted" you to second godmother. Would it have bothered you if you knew there would be a second godmother in the first place? I dont think you should stop talking to your brother. It seems you value the relationship you have now. You should tell him about how you feel about your conversations though.

Im sorry if I didnt really help much. I hope you and your brother work it out.

NCshopper · Hermes

Hmm...that's tough. Are you geographically close? If so, I'd go over there with a peace offering of sorts, like flowers or something, and try to talk to them in person. You don't need to apologize by any means, but being the first one to extend the olive branch even if you're not in the wrong will allow you guys to move on as quickly as possible.

If you're not close enough to go over to their house, call him at some point this evening and explain your position and the fact that you're a little upset about it. And I'd explain that you feel like most of the conversations are about them these days and you wish that someone would ask about you once in awhile. (Obviously, avoid generalizations like "You NEVER ask how I am and the conversation is ALWAYS about you." Those kinds of statements tend to get people fired up quickly.) Also acknowledge that as a couple about to have a baby and generally going through an exciting time in their life, that they do deserve a lot of attention and you're happy to give it, but that you want to feel like it's being reciprocated to some extent.

Finally, realize that being the baby's godmother is not about your relationship with the parents--it's about your relationship with the baby and being there for him/her as he/she grows up. It's like you get to be there for all the cool stuff without having the massive responsibility. So, really, who cares if some other lady will also be there? I can see how your feelings are hurt and all, but I don't think that being co-godparents or whatever necessarily diminishes your importance in the child's life.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

That baby is so blessed that so many people love it even before the birth. This is about your relationship with your neice. Dont let the little things in regards to your relationship with your brother and sister in law overshadow that you are going to have a new family member who will grow up to look up to you.

Besides you cant force a relationship to happen with your SIL and you cant force your brother to be less self centered. So I know I say this alot, but the only thing we can control with other people is how we react to them.

BTW, I have neices and nephews I adore but there parents are probably some of my least fav people in the world. THats ok, I just feel lucky to have those kids in my life.

Lucky you to get this great little girl in your life soon!!

littlebean · Kate Spade

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this struggle right now. I just wanted to say that I grew up with multiple godparents and it can end up being a terrific thing. Not knowing your relationship with your brother and sister-in-law, I don't want to presume what this additional godmother does or doesn't mean, but I just wanted to say that I don't think it necessarily means that you're being demoted. It may just be a reflection, as Alliegurl said, of how many people love this baby and want to be part of its life even before the birth.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

You've already gotten some great advice. I just wanted to add that your brother is making clear indications that he (and his wife, obviously) are hoping you'll try reaching out to her. So, even though you're not crazy about your sister-in-law, try giving it a shot. Call her sometime, ask to speak to her on the phone, and keep with it. Maybe this will bring you closer together. I agree that you should try extending a peace offering and explain your feelings to your brother, while acknowledging that you know it's an exciting time for them but feel that you'd also like to share more with them about your own life.

Kelly · Hermes

That stinks. Being a godmother is, IMO, supposed to be a special relationship with the child and having to share that with some other random person would hurt my feelings, too. I hope you can work it all out with your brother and your SIL.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Thanks for all of the advice guys... I have calmed down a bit and got it out of my system. I do not think it would have been insulting AT ALL if the original idea was that there would be two godmothers. It just seemed as though it was offered to me then dangled over my head like it was a favor to me and I didn't live up to my role. My brother only mentioned it after I brought it up to him. As in, "hey do I have to do anything to prepare for the christening?" "ohhh uhhh about that..."

I understand that it is about the ongoing relationship with the child, not the mother. That is why this all doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't know how this will all be reconciled. At this point, I am not ready to extend the olive branch out. In the last year, for some reason by brother has been mean to me and actually cruel at times, making me upset, pointing out my flaws when I was at my lowest low, etc etc. I refuse to keep someone in my life if they are only going to bring me down. Thats how I stand at this point.

atlgirl · Gucci

I completely understand how you feel. I have this kind of relationship with my brother and his wife. They do not bother to contact us (preferring to go through my mother), and they have, over the years, grown to be utterly un-mannered about things that concern us (like when they wanted to stay at our house last year, but couldn't be bothered to give us their travel dates - had to get those from Mom - or when SIL couldn't bear to sleep in our guest room and they got a hotel anyway, sneaking out like thieves in the night). I could go on and on about the boorish behavior on their end.

My brother and I have never really been emotionally close, except for a couple of times in our twenties when I really made the effort. And each time, he liked that I put the effort into our relationship, but ultimately he never bothered to make an effort himself. I ended up feeling really hurt and betrayed by this at one point and finally have come to the conclusion that we just will never be close. So now I'm at a point where I really don't care. We still send cards/gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but otherwise we don't talk or interact. We live on opposite ends of the country and that's fine too - it took them 4 years to come out and see us in Georgia (hence the whole house fiasco thing). It was an awful visit and I don't care if they ever come back. They've been in Portland now for two years and I feel no need to ever get out there to visit.

My mother gives me a lot of flak for this and says I just have to "train" them by making more of an effort myself, to write and call. I personally don't feel like investing the time to do this. SIL is a raging snob and always puts us down, and my brother is just...it's like there's no emotion there. And he lets his wife be a total bitch - she's not just snobby to us, but to everyone. IMO if you are not going to step in at some point (privately or whatever) and address the behavior, you are condoning it, and I don't want or need that in my life.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes family isn't what we'd like or expect them to be. I personally enjoy my friends a lot more than my family, and I've come to terms with the fact that my sibling relationship will never be much. I'm sorry, Xtina, if that's how it works out for you too, but I have to say that once I accepted this is how it's going to be, I'm much happier and I find that their behavior doesn't hurt me anymore. I think that if you still want to be a godmother to your niece, by all means, do so. Just don't let her parents drive you too crazy about it.

Hermes

OK, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought an appointed "godparent" is the person who would take care of the child if anything ever happened to the parents. As a part of this, the god parent tends to be someone who is close to the family and as a result, will be close to the child. Godparents also tend to be a couple.

So, with two godparents, who are not associated with each other, and if something happened to the parents, there would then be a custody battle?

I found this on the net - it might be valuable for your brother to review if you feel you want to further the issue:

A godparent plays a vital role in the religious, moral and spiritual upbringing of the godchild. Don't take this important decision lightly.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Step One
Think long and hard about your decision to choose a godparent. The godparent will remain an important figure throughout your child's life, so give the decision adequate thought.

Step Two
Choose someone who holds a religious belief similar to yours. A good portion of the godparent's role is to foster the child's religious upbringing.

Step Three
Make your request before the child is born, if possible. Avoid springing the question, but make a carefully expressed case for your request.

Step Four
Decide whether you will have your child baptized. If so, the godparent should be present for this, and any other relevant religious ceremony.

Step Five
Determine whether you will ask the godparent to act as legal guardian of your child should something happen to you. If so, make sure that you discuss this part of the responsibility immediately with your intended choice.

Tips & Warnings
Consider a family member, such as a sister or brother. While friends and acquaintances tend to drift apart, chances are high that you will remain in touch with your family for the remainder of your life.

-- Edited by D at 12:49, 2007-04-24

Kelly · Hermes

I don't know if there are different customes in different religions or just regions of the country, but my godparents aren't the ones that would have gotten me if my parents died. My godparents were supposed to be the other special adult in my life, and especially in a religious sense - if I needed guidance or whatever, I was supposed to be able to go to them. My brothers and I all have different godparents and none of them are couples. They are family members very close to our parents.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

D, thank you, that is interesting, where did you find it? I will find a way to share it with him.

A little update: I was telling a friend about my frustration and curious, she asked "Does she have Myspace?" she looked up my sister in law's page and sure enough there are pictures of her and the friend saying "THE BEST GODMOTHER EVER 04/24" etc. There's also comments that the friend left my S.I.L. saying "as godmother, I think you are the best baby ever" and cutesey stuff like that.

Its all so stupid at this point. I guess people who leave myspace messages are more important than blood.

-- Edited by XtinaStyles at 13:36, 2007-04-24

Hermes

ttara - I'm just going from personal experience, as are you. My brother and I had the same godparents, they were a couple, and it was understood that they would be the ones to raise us if something should happen to my parents.

Just like with anything else we are raised to believe from birth (like religion); perception can differ. Your parents and my parents obviously did things differently - who's to say which is right or wrong (like religion!) smile

Funny thing is, I never (that I can remember) participated in any religious stuff with my godparents (I never really was exposed to religious activities beyond my Christening.) We did exchange gifts at birthdays and holidays and would visit them often. My godmother was a squirrel feeder - so that's where I picked that up...

anyhoo...

xtina - I did a quick google of godparent's role - it's the second result (eHow): http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=t&ie=UTF-8&rls=GGIC,GGIC:2006-50,GGIC:en&q=godparent%27s+role

-- Edited by D at 13:36, 2007-04-24

sfclinevandy · Coach

I understand that you're upset, but I see this from a different perpspective. When my fiance and I have kids, if we had to choose godparents (I'm Presbyterian and we (at least my church doesn't) don't have godparents but for this is just a hypothetical), I could totally see him wanting to pick his brother and me wanting to pick a close friend. Instead of picking my person over his, I think it would just be easier to have 2 godparents representing the wishes of both parents. I know it hurts that you have to share the role with someone whose not blood related, but I can understand choosing a really close friend who you would want to take on that special role in your child's life like your sister in law did.

Kelly · Hermes

D - I completely understand things are different in different families. That's all I meant by my comment - that maybe having multiple grandparents would mean different things for different people, depending on what the godparents were supposed to mean to the child. I never did anything religious with my godparents, either. One actually converted a few years after my baptism. But I know that's what they were theoretically for when my parents first asked them to be my godparents.

Suasoria · Chanel

In-laws suck. They just...suck.

I don't blame you for not wanting to extend the olive branch. These people seem to have a radically different opinion of the meaning of family than you.

I completely understand not wanting to fake a friendly familial relationship with your SIL. That seems really unsatisfying - unfortunately a fake friendship may ultimately be the only kind you can have with her/them.

That's the case with my husband's brother and his wife, and really my FIL/MIL too. I'm OK with it, in fact it's a little bit freeing. But I see how much pain it still causes my husband that he can't have more than a superficial, shallow relationship with his family. He wants their love and support so badly but he knows they're not capable of giving it...and it seems this lesson is always learned the hard way.

ETA: in my family there is no correlation between being a godparent, which is purely a religious ceremonial title, and being the chosen legal guardian in the event of the parents dying. My godparents were different than the aunt & uncle who were listed in my parents' papers as their chosen child-raisers. We're supposed to be guardians of the daughter of our best 'couple friends,' but we're not her godparents because they chose family members for that. (They don't want either of their families to raise their kid, however.)

-- Edited by Suasoria at 19:29, 2007-04-24

blubirde · Chanel

I feel you. My brother has 4 kids and I assure you, I have to make 99% of the effort to be involved in their lives. I not as close as I'd like to be with them but I do try to have a special relationship with each of them.

They don't have god parents, at least not to my knowledge, but my brother has never made an effort to make me a part of his or his family's life. (As a matter of fact, I stopped talking to him for over a month once - I know, mature - and he never noticed.)

I don't try nearly as hard anymore, mainly for my own sanity. It's a hard fact to accept (that maybe you care more than he does - although that's my situation, not necessarily yours).

So my advice is to ignore your brother and sil if they hurt your feelings and to focus as much time and attention as you can on your new niece. She's the one that matters in this whole equation.

jah · Dooney & Bourke

Being a godparent is a very special relationship and I think you should seize the opportunity to connect with your brother's daughter in this way. Why I know it isn't the "perfect situation", if you choose not to move forward, you may regret a wonderful opportunity to further impact the child's life.

In terms of a godparent, in my faith (Catholicism) and experience, generally godparents serve a spiritual, not legal role in guardianship. I have two godchildren, both boys and really can't say enough about what an honor it has been to serve in this role. Neither of my godchildren are the child of my siblings, so this experience has created a special bond between myself and a child of each of my closest childhood friends. If one of my godchildren lost his parents, it is my duty to assure that godchild continues to be raised in the Catholic faith and to guide them on issues of morality and spirituality.

I know you are hurt, but my two cents is to try to ease the rift so you can play a special role for this child.

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