STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Collette · Chanel

Resonsibilities of Maid of Honor

blubirde · Chanel

If you're a host (or co-host) of the event, you're responsible for your portion (split by however many hosts there are) of the event. Volunteering your house doesn't necessarily make you a host of the shower, imo. Is there no group of family members that would want to host a shower (still using your house)?

I was maid of honor for my BFF's wedding and I hosted a shower and arranged a very small bachelorette evening out. (no cost really except for the bride's drinks) My mother co-hosted her shower with me, along with another friend of the bride's (who never chipped in her portion - urgh).

I think, if you feel you have already sort of committed to host the shower, that you should send an email out to the bride's family and friends and see if anyone is interested in co-hosting with you. (Or maybe contact via phone or something less formal - whatever.) Only ask people you're comfortable asking but you'd be surprised who'd be willing to help out.

atlgirl · Gucci

Maid (or Matron) of Honor etiquette dictates are more about the day of the wedding. Things like helping the bride with her train, making sure all the bridesmaids are on top of their fittings, etc. There is no rule that says you have to host either the shower or the bachelorette party. Since you are already hosting one, I don't believe you should feel guilty about not hosting another.

That said, plenty of people will assume you're hosting it (and they'll be happy to let you run yourself ragged) if you've offered your house. So this might be a time where you need to come right out and say that you simply can't do both. You don't need to give a reason, but if you want to, blame finances or other committments or whatever. Don't let her mom intimidate you (I know, easier said than done).

Here's what The Knot had to say about it:

Q. I'm pleased to be the maid of honor, but I'm stressed about paying for the shower and bachelorette party on top of the Italian satin gowns she wants us to wear! Am I on my own in terms of footing the bill?

A. The bridesmaids are definitely expected to chip in, and brides should make this explicitly clear, maybe by sending a cheery, cute email listing everyone's contact info and important events. Explain that expenses will be shared equally among the girls. Instruct them to save all receipts for decorations, gag gifts, shower invites, etc. (you do the same). As maid of honor, you'll be in charge of tallying totals and hashing out who owes what. Just think, once it's a given that everyone's paying, you'll be in a better position to enjoy the experience. If moola is an issue for all of you, commit to a budget and work from there. It's just a matter of getting everyone on the same page.
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You are already being very generous, Collette, so please try not to feel guilty if you really can't - or simply don't want to - cover / handle both events. IIRC, I don't believe I've ever been to a shower where the maid/matron of honor and the shower host were one and the same. I'm sure it happens, but of all the showers I've attended, I haven't run across it. So it's definitely not the "standard" or "expected" thing to do.

Don't let yourself be forced into something you are unwilling or unable to take on. Your responsibilities are to help ensure that she has a fantastic wedding. That doesn't necessarily include footing the bill for all the events leading up to it, just because her family doesn't have the money (or thinks you should pay, simply because you have money to do so).

Good luck!

-- Edited by atlgirl at 13:15, 2007-03-20

Kari · Dooney & Bourke

First of all, I was always taught that is was inappropriate for your family (mother) to throw you a shower...aka ask for gifts.

That may be why they have latched on to you as host. Before you start planning anything, I would simply ask everyone if they would like to help you host a shower (wedding party or just other friends, distant family, etc). That way you have designated who is volunteering to help.

In the very worst case scenario, you could have the shower in the middle of the afternoon when people aren't expecting lots of food and simply make/buy a cake and a few cookies or something along with some punch or lemonade...it isn't very glamerous, but would be cost efficient. Or flip that and put on a more substantial shower and then for the bachelorette party go to a club or resteraunt so that everyone has to pay their own bill.

-- Edited by Kari at 15:37, 2007-03-20

-- Edited by Kari at 15:38, 2007-03-20

erin · Chanel

are there other bridesmaids? maybe all the bridesmaids could split the tab?