STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maat · Kenneth Cole

How could someone be so heartless?

Sevilla · BCBG

The exact same thing happened to my best friend. All of a sudden, out of the blue, the guy she'd been dating for months (whom she loved and adored) just stopped calling her. She would call him just to see what was going on, obviously, but he never answered her calls. She emailed as well, and in a very non-psycho way like you said you did, and nothing. After about a month or two she called just once every few weeks to see if he would pick up but he never did. She had NO clue what had happened. She was so in love, and was so devastated. It was so hard to watch, and I personally wanted to kill the guy, but they were both in California, so it was kind of hard for me to do that. A few months went by, and she'd try to call him maybe once a month or so to no avail, until one day when he called her out of the blue and left a message saying for her to call him. He said he'd gotten into alcohol and drugs and that was the reason for his absence. He proports that he didn't want to have to fess up to something like that to her, thus his lack of correspondence.

I personally think it was a chicken shit excuse, and totally not the truth at all, but I know how hard it was for her to deal with. She had the same concerns and worries as you... wondering if she did something wrong, or if someone told him something about her, etc. And mainly she was just upset that it would take her forever to get over him. And to be honest, it did take a long time because she was just so confused how they went from saying "I love you" to him up and leaving her. But I think that although it's the cliche response, time really does help things. At least it did for Amy. Hopefully he'll be a man and explain himself, or at least try to, which is the one thing that did really help her. Other than that, you just have to know that it wasn't anything you did. It's something going on with him, whether it's immaturity, etc., but it's nothing that you did. Even Justin said that to Amy, finally, which did a lot to help her get over it. He assured her that she did nothing wrong, and I'm sure you didn't either. That doesn't make it easier in the meantime, but it will eventually.

Let us know what goes on.... <hugs>

-- Edited by Sevilla at 17:00, 2007-03-10

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I hope this wasn't the case but do you think that since he knew you were moving all along that he was just playing along with this relationship until you moved and wasn't really planning a long term thing with you?

I'm sorry Maat. You're too good for guys like this. I'm hoping with a new city of guys you'll find the right one in Ohio.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Dude, what's with men? The same thing happened to me senior+1 year in undergrad. I dated a guy, we were in love, blah blah blah. He moved away for a job since he finished on time and for about six months, everything was fine. We saw eachother about once a month and everything was all set for me to move when I graduated. Then, Easter time or there-abouts nothing. Stops answering my phone calls, won't respond to emails, nothing. I actually never did figure out what happened because I never saw or spoke to the guy again. I'm sorta friends with his best friend now but that boy is off-limits in conversation.

Anyway- how can anybody be so heartless? I'm not sure, but you are not alone. I don't have any good advice because I was devasted for quite a bit. It takes time but honestly, I still hate him a little and would still actually love to know what happened.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

It sounds to me like the guy got freaked out about the level your relationship was reaching and just decieded to distance himself instead of being upfront and honest about it.

I am so sorry , you must be sad :(

LRae9107 · Nine West

AllieGurl wrote:

It sounds to me like the guy got freaked out about the level your relationship was reaching and just decieded to distance himself instead of being upfront and honest about it.

I am so sorry , you must be sad :(

Ditto. I have a guy friend who has had relationships with girls, and you can tell from the outside of it that my guy friend is just freaked & trying to back out but the girl doesn't realize it. It sucks to be in emotional pain. I think acceptance will come with time - it obviously wasn't the right thing.

cc · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry. I don't understand how guys can do this. This is what happened with me and my boyfriend of FIVE YEARS!! so I know how you're feeling. Like Sevilla's friend, I had a really hard time because things were never resolved since we never really "broke up" and it was so weird and hurtful but I realized that it wasn't my fault and that he obviously had some serious problems and I was better off without him. I know it's hard but please don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong or trying to get him to respond to you. That's what I did for months and months and it was horrible. If he were really a great (and normal!) guy he would have talked to you if something was bothering him, rather than being a nut and/or baby which is what he's being now.

kenzie · Chanel

Because he is a coward and/or a player. Ugh. Men suck sometimes. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.

It sounds like one of two things happened (both of which have already been mentioned)- 1) he freaked out because he thought things were getting too serious and didn't have the balls to confront it with an actual conversation (coward), or 2) he knew you were leaving, so just went along with things the way they were, with no intention of pursuing it further once you moved (player). Or it could be a combination of both. Who knows, really? Men are a strange breed.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up about it and trying to figure out what you did wrong. Because you probably didn't do anything wrong. He probably just has issues and this is how he's choosing to deal (or rather, not deal) with the situation. Worrying about what his problem is or what you could have done differently (probably nothing), is just going to make you crazy and possibly cause you to miss out on a some fabulous new guy in your fabulous new city. Look at it this way- you've got a fresh start in a new place and it's full of possibilities. Hang in there. You deserve better than what this guy has to offer.

luckylily · Gucci

You did nothing wrong at all. He is the one who doesn't have the balls to say what's up.

This really pisses me off. After a certain amount of time, you and your relationship deserve an actual conversation. Ignoring is acceptable after a few dates, but at this point its so cowardly to use avoidance tactics.

Something similar happened to me too back in my first year of University. I had to go out of town for a week, and when I came back the guy I'd been dating for a good three months basically acted like he'd never seen me before in his life.

Either way, you deserve better than this guy. I'm not sure there is much you can do to make yourself feel better tho. This one will heal with time. Just try to know and believe that you did nothing wrong.

small fry · Chanel

((((((((hugs))))))))) I'm sorry you are going through this. Time will heal wounds and mr. right is out there somewhere. I think it sucks that he did not have the balls to be up front and honest with you. MEN SUCK.

cat · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry Maat I know how much that sucks.

I had that happen to me once with a boyfriend of five months. He broke up with me by not getting in touch with me for 2 weeks and then he texted me on Valentines day and said "I want to break up and ps. Can I have the Christmas gift I gave you back?".

Sometimes men f**king suck!

(((Hugs)))

Kitty · Hermes

What is wrong with people!? Seriously. I can't believe this happened to you and the others that posted about similar experiences in response to your thread. That's just crazy and unbelievable that someone would be such a coward that they'd just ignore you instead of tell you flat out what's wrong or that the relationship is over.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I think I know what happened. He is an ass. And has decided for whatever reason that you do not serve his ass purposes right now. And has retreated without talking about it because there's nothing he can say. I mean, he's not in a coma, right? So he's deliberately not calling you. So we know that he is someone who will be nice, treat you well, date you for a while, and then stop calling you. That's what happened. HE happened. His true character came out.

And I'm so sorry because it's really hard to just BELIEVE it when someone is horrible and there's nothing you can do about it. You want to think, "There must be some explanation. I must have done something." Or whatever, for the same reason kids whose parents divorce decide it's their own fault. Because if it's your fault, you can figure out what happened and stop it from happening again. And the idea that it has nothing to do with you, that the bottom can just drop out and there's no way to control it, is really scary. So I'm really sorry. I know how hard it is. I also know, without a doubt, that someone who would act like that is teh one with the problem. It had nothing to do with you.

As for not dating someone like that again. I really think only time can tell. Because the biggest jerks are also best at faking being functional. But I have always foudn that once a guy stops doing the things he said he would, it's over. No matter what crap excuse he comes up with. If he won't do what he says he will, and he doesn't apologize on his own and improve when you ask about it, don't negotiate, just dump him.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 00:15, 2007-03-11

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

this happened to an ex of mine, too--he thought he was going to marry this woman. He moved literally across the world to be with her, and then shortly after he arrived, she dropped off the face of the earth; stopped returning his calls and emails. Never discussed how she felt with him, never actually broke it off, just began pretending he didn't exist. Someone she had discussed marriage with! So, I know it won't make you feel better, but at least you're not the only person who's ever been treated so poorly... some people are just shocking cowards. As much as it sucks, Dizzy put it correctly--this has nothing to do with you, there's nothing you did or didn't do, this guy is just an appalling excuse for a human being. So sorry you have to deal with this Maat!

squishy · Coach

holy shit.. i'm disgusted and appalled by all your stories. (cc, a bf of FIVE YEARS?!?!)

maat, don't let one emotionally stunted asshat think any less of yourself. you're so much better than that. karma will take a big, wet bite out of his sleazy backside.

Kelly · Hermes

I'm so sorry. That's horrific. I can't believe that you, or so many other ladies here, have been through this.

NCshopper · Hermes

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. They only dated for a few months, but they were talking about getting married, she was looking at rings, etc. and then he got a new job and she never heard from him again. Seriously, who does that???

Anyway, the fact that this has happened to so many people should at least comfort you in knowing that this wasn't because you did anything wrong. Regardless of the reason he decided to end things, he's a total chicken shit and you can do better.

Vanessa · Kate Spade

I have no experience with this particular situation, but have experience with crappy guys. He sucks and you deserve way better. I know it's easier said than done but if I were you I would try to forget about him the sooner the better.
Having gone through a few looong-winded beat myself up for months breakups, I finally figured out that it's a big waste of time and energy to wonder what if and beat myself up for something someone else did.
Have fun, get out there in your new town. Even if you don't meet mr. right, mr. right-now will help you get over mr. wrong. Good luck, and feel free to vent here anytime.
Hope you feel better sweetie. **hugs**

atlgirl · Gucci

How do I get over the worrying if I did something wrong or if he misinterpreted something or if he ran into someone who hated me and told him some lie that he believed

I wouldn't even waste your time and energy with this line of thinking. Because if for some strange reason that *is* what happened, he's not worth one more moment of thought. Someone who really was honest, with whom you've had the kind of relationship you describe, would have come to you and talked to you about any concerns, not just disappeared because someone else said something uncomplimentary about you.

I agree with the other girls that you did nothing wrong. This is what happens to people (both male and female, as other posters have mentioned) all the time, sadly. It's like a guy getting your number, saying he'll call and then not....except this guy, for whatever reason, decided to let things go further for both of you before he showed his true colors.

As far as moving on without knowing what happened...eventually you will be able to. It's just hard to deal with it right now, I know.

I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. There's no quick cure for the heartache you feel, unfortunately, but this is not about YOU. It's completely about HIM. Try to focus your enegeries elsewhere and take care of you. Don't let this incident with him weaken your self-confidence of dim the bright light of who you are. You have plenty to offer the right person in the next relationship, whenever that happens. *hugs*

Mandy · Kate Spade

I'm so sorry. I agree with the other girls, the explaination is that he is an ass. He for whatever reason he didn't want to put in the effort to the long distance thing so he decided to stop seeing you. Because he doesn't have a good reason, the conversation would be uncomfortable for him. To save himself from that, he just stopped talking to you. He is a cowardly inconsiderate ass for not thinking about how that might make you feel.