STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

looking like you're trying..

jaymiek · Coach

I feel this way a lot...except I won't bother to change because I'm late on those days, and then I end up being uncomfortable with the way I'm dressed the whole day. Just the feeling of looking like I tried too hard irks me because I'm paranoid that people think I tried too hard to look cute or something. I know it's not my clothes but I just get that "feeling." So now I try to just dress around one piece and make it stand out. It's weird that something that's supposed to look effortless actually does require some effort!

BellinaJessica · Kenneth Cole

Yes, but I just think this is part of your own personal style. I am personally not confortable in really "foofy" things and prefer a much simpler, classic look. Trends are fun but I find that I am happier in much more classic pieces. I am a firm believer that if you don't feel good in what you are wearing it will probably show. Nothing wrong with rocking a pair of cute jeans and a sweater.

Kelly · Hermes

jaymiek wrote:

I feel this way a lot...except I won't bother to change because I'm late on those days, and then I end up being uncomfortable with the way I'm dressed the whole day. Just the feeling of looking like I tried too hard irks me because I'm paranoid that people think I tried too hard to look cute or something. I know it's not my clothes but I just get that "feeling." So now I try to just dress around one piece and make it stand out. It's weird that something that's supposed to look effortless actually does require some effort!

ITA.

It also depends on the group I'm going to be with, though. It's ridiculous, but even when I wear a casual cotton wrap dress and Target flip flops, all my t-shirt and jean-wearing friends ask why I'm so dressed up. So I usually end up taking outfits off even if I know they look cute, because I don't want to be perceived as the "fussy" or "high maintenance" friend.

When I'm out with my BF it's completely different, though. He likes to dress up and his friends never make comments about my clothes, so I feel way more comfortable dressing up if I'm going to be with him. It's dumb that I feel more comfortable dressing how I want to around people I hardly know more than the people I'm the closest with, but that's the way it is.

And then there are little idiosyncracies depending on which group of friends I'm hanging out with that night, because I have a few groups of friends that don't know each other. Those are just the two extremes of my comfort zone, though.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I feel like I am treated rather poorly when I look the way I like to look, which is classic but well-presented (people almost seem to be giving me a "you're a hussy" vibe, but I am NOT one to show skin, cleavage, or wear anything tight...) And it seems like I draw a lot of comments, 'How do you walk in those shoes," "I just don't know how you find TIME to do your hair," "Those tops look cute on you but I could never wear them, I have to be comfy." It's actually kind of bad. I think it's just that I live in a small, college town now. People either wear pajamas, that I'm-all-alternative-y uniform, or mom clothes.

squishy · Coach

this tends to happen to me quite often. it usually begins when i LOVE a piece of clothing that either 1. is a departure from my current wardrobe, or 2. it's something i've never really worn before.

i'm still working on it, but it helps if i get used to new/different/'special' stuff by NOT wearing them to work, but instead when i go out on errands etc... i.e. when i know i'll be alone. that way i can get used to new looks on myself without having the added stress of unwanted comments.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I can totally relate, especially with trendy pieces. I see the look on the street, celebrities or in mags but when I try it at home, I feel out of place and embarrassed. My boyfriend made fun of me for wearing a patent red belt high over a black dress. I'll wear black tights with blue maryjanes and get funny looks all day at work. They just don't understand!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

I get this feeling too- even when its an exact outfit that I wore a year ago...the fashion climate is just SO different here. Very basic.

I aslo get the opposite though- feeling like I look like I just gave up.

Its a tough spot to be in!

Elle · Hermes

I HATE this phenomenon! Hate it! It coincides alot with the 'Wow, you're dressed up!' thing we talked about awhile ago - what they're really saying is 'Why are you trying so hard?'.

I don't like to wear fussy things, in part because of this. I do tend to choose what I'm wearing to who we'll be seeing, and go a little more dressed up if it's with someone who can appreciate it or a little dressed down if it's with someone who wouldn't. I just hate being the only person wearing something dressy/trendy in a group of totally dressed down people (even if they're inappropriately casual for the function) because then I feel like the 'high-maintenance' one ... like people will expect me to run to the bathroom every five minutes to redo my lipgloss, and talk obnoxiously on my cell phone or something.

When I was working, I got pegged as the girl who wears weird stuff (not weird at all! I swear!). People used to come down to visit me every morning just to see/comment on what I was wearing

. I didn't look weird, I just looked like I gave a damn.

Is it a threatening thing? People feel clumsy about fashion, and therefore publicly denounce it and it's followers to make it seem purposeful?

-- Edited by Elle at 19:19, 2007-03-06

Kelly · Hermes

Elle wrote:

Is it a threatening thing? People feel clumsy about fashion, and therefore publicly denounce it and it's followers to make it seem purposeful?

I never thought of it this way, but now that you say that I think I can attribute a lot of comments I've recieved to that. I think the people who usually comment on what I'm wearing are the same people who I would expect to be dressed very inappropriately at a function, basically because they don't know how to dress nicely. And, for the most part, the people who are very casual but don't make any comments when I dress up are the ones who have said a few times that they don't know what looks good on them.

Obviously there are exceptions, but I never thought of it that way and it really makes sense.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

Elle wrote:

Is it a threatening thing? People feel clumsy about fashion, and therefore publicly denounce it and it's followers to make it seem purposeful?

I'm sure you're right about this. Even when my friends call me a fashionista, which is meant as a friendly compliment, it gives me vague feelings of guilt, because I think, "oh god, am I a horrible narcissistic person for spending so much time and money on the way I dress?" I guess I don't mind looking like I tried, because I DID try--fashion is a form of creative expression for me, I love playing with all the different textures and colors and patterns and shapes. Besides, "effortless" chic is an illusion most of the time, too, I think; very very few people are so deft that they can just toss together a few things without a thought and stroll out the door looking amazing.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

sephorablue wrote:

Even when my friends call me a fashionista, which is meant as a friendly compliment, it gives me vague feelings of guilt, because I think, "oh god, am I a horrible narcissistic person for spending so much time and money on the way I dress?

I get that feeling as well Sephorablue!

I usually don't care too much. It's on the days that I think too hard and take too long to get dressed that I feel like I look like I'm trying too hard.

Good thing is that i am pretty comfortable with myself - I usually just grab two pieces and mix whatever it is I have. (this happens quite often when I stay over at BF's house and I just have a mish-mash of clothes that have been left there). One thing i can't do b/c of the "tried too hard look" is wear matchy-matchy stuff. Like I have friends that would wear a red headband with printed dress (with red in it) and red heels and red purse (for example). I just can't feel comfortable doing that myself.

mz.shanzie · Kenneth Cole

AFTER YEARS of feeling the same way...I finally realized that all those friends that were making those comments were simply uncomfortable around ME. I had one friend that would call me the local celebrity, it really made me mad. We had a group of girls ( stay at home mommies) that would hang out a lot with the kids. I would wear a tshirt and jeans and flip flops to the ZOO, I did not dress up ever, but I had a few nice things ( mj sunglasses, kate spade baby bag, etc). But even then she would say "ohhhh I didn't know we dressing up today!" I always dress very casual, but someohow I felt like I should tone it down even more to suit her. Well big mistake. She was an insanely insecure person that made it a point to make me feel stupid for taking time and pride in my appearence. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel, but I feel much worse, when I decide to tone it down for others, and then I go shopping and see some adorable girl looking so cute, and I feel like a slob hahaha. We just can't win. Gotta dress how YOU want.

Suasoria · Chanel

I think this is two (two, two) threads in one.

1. When you feel it.
2. When other (generally insensitive or moronic) people make a comment (often disguised as a compliment, but you know it isn't).

On #1 I agree with BellinaJessica - if it's a struggle to make something work or match or be functional, it's not worth it, and next time I'll just do the 'I give up' thing. I have a plunging red silk wrap blouse that I love, even though it's way more feminine than my normal style, but if it's not the holidays, I feel too dressed up unless I wear it with jeans. I guess if I feel like I'm trying too hard, I probably AM!

Anything that's a departure for me, I do what Squishy said - wear it someplace where I can be anonymous and not feel scrutinized. Then if I eventually wear it to work and get a comment, I can honestly say "Oh, this old thing?" But it's rare that I buy anything that's way far out of my comfort zone or very trend-driven.

On #2, I think jealousy certainly accounts for some of it. I had a coworker who called me "Stacy" (as in London) whenever I wore something that she deemed too fashion-y for our office (which is casual/sloppy). But she was very overweight, and had such limited options clothing-wise, that I tried to take from her with a smile.

But I have to confess that I look at women around me - those I know and those I don't - and feel that some of them ARE trying too hard! By a lot. 50 year-olds trying to look 25. People making 50K a year who want you to think they make 300K based on the brand names they flash. Size 24s who think they're still a size 10. Brunettes who try to be redheads. And so on. I know I'm a wee bit judgemental, but still...some people do try too hard, appearance-wise. As the AA people say, may we have the wisdom to know the difference!

lynnie · Chanel

i live in a really "hipster" neighborhood of nyc where EVERYONE looks like they're trying too hard. So maybe its made me run in the opposite direction? lately i've just wanted really simple pieces and neutrals because its just so in your face around these parts...

blubirde · Chanel

lynnie wrote:

i live in a really "hipster" neighborhood of nyc where EVERYONE looks like they're trying too hard.

yeah and lucky for you (unlucky for me) they've all temporarily relocated to Austin for SXSW. Reason #45,693 I dislike SXSW. I definitely feel you on this one. I'd constantly feel like I was trying too hard if I tried to up my outfit ante in this situation. Frankly, I would be trying too hard.

As for me, I wear new things to work (the opposite of most of y'all it seems) because everyone at work thinks I dress crazy anyway, so there's no harm. When I feel like I'm trying too hard is when I wear something especially trendy. My goal is to look put together, effortless, and young but not too young. As you can imagine, it takes a lot of work to look put together and effortless and I'm pretty sure I almost always fall a tiny bit short of the mark. If I'm wearing something uber trendy, I feel like people know I'm trying to look cool, as opposed to just being cool. It's a fine line, right?

Edited because where and wear are not interchangeable. Boo.

-- Edited by blubirde at 12:02, 2007-03-16

lynnie · Chanel

blubirde wrote:

lynnie wrote:

i live in a really "hipster" neighborhood of nyc where EVERYONE looks like they're trying too hard.

yeah and lucky for you (unlucky for me) they've all temporarily relocated to Austin for SXSW. Reason #45,693 I dislike SXSW. I definitely feel you on this one. I'd constantly feel like I was trying too hard if I tried to up my outfit ante in this situation. Frankly, I would be trying too hard.

As for me, I wear new things to work (the opposite of most of y'all it seems) because everyone at work thinks I dress crazy anyway, so there's no harm. When I feel like I'm trying too hard is when I where something especially trendy. My goal is to look put together, effortless, and young but not too young. As you can imagine, it takes a lot of work to look put together and effortless and I'm pretty sure I almost always fall a tiny bit short of the mark. If I'm wearing something uber trendy, I feel like people know I'm trying to look cool, as opposed to just being cool. It's a fine line, right?

funny you mention south by southwest- i know a few people that flew in for it. damn hipsters!

atlgirl · Gucci

I think it's a self-confidence issue, too. I am with Sephorablue about liking to play with textures, proportions, colors. But not everyone else is as obsessive about it as I am. And that's fine. I think that looking (and feeling, both emotionally and physically) comfortable (and by comfortable I mean confident, too) in your clothes goes a long way toward *not* "looking like you're trying". When you are comfortable / confident, whether your style is sporty, dressy, girlie, punkish - whatever - you come across as at ease with yourself.

There will always be people who make moronic, unkind, or backhanded compliment-type statements. Don't let them undermine your self-confidence. If the worst thing you do in life is make a few fashion mistakes, you're doing well! Those kinds of errors are not the type to bring lasting regrets.

A lot of our friends are very, very casual. And I like to dress - not crazy; I'm actually fairly conservative - but I like skirts, dresses and heels (in addition to jeans and tees). I'm almost always in heels; my friends and acquaintances all know this (because they make a point of mentioning it). And whenever I dress up a bit (I mean more than jeans and flips), people invariably say, "Why are you so dressed up?". Bleh. I just ignore them. Over time, they've come to just accept it and I don't get as many comments. But I truly don't care. As long as my clothing fits appropriately (not too small/tight, not unflattering to my body type), I'm happy.

I have a friend is a breast cancer survivor - she did chemo, radiation, mastectomy (sp), the whole deal. She was awfully sick for a long time. And she wears some truly "out there" (from my point of view) things. But she told me that before the cancer, she was Miss Corporate - her wardrobe was very professional, and also (her words) pretty boring, even her off-work wardrobe. And then she got sick. And she realized that life can be short and that she'd better make the most of it. So now she wears what she likes, and she wears it with confidence. And it seems to be working - she is super-well respected at work (she's very good at her job) and she keeps getting promoted, so her clothing choices are clearly not working against her, even though she's not in a "creative industry" - far from it. I could never carry off her look - more eclectic style and a little rock-n-roll-ish, but it is authentic for her, and I think that's part of what makes it work so well.

As long as you are happy with who you are (and what you have on), the other comments don't matter. Lynnie, I think you have a wonderful personal style. Don't let insecurity about what others might think keep you from rocking your own look! You're young and have a lot clothing choices available to you (trust me, some things you just won't wear when you get older). Wear them all happily. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

kenzie · Chanel

Elle wrote:

I don't like to wear fussy things, in part because of this. I do tend to choose what I'm wearing to who we'll be seeing, and go a little more dressed up if it's with someone who can appreciate it or a little dressed down if it's with someone who wouldn't. I just hate being the only person wearing something dressy/trendy in a group of totally dressed down people (even if they're inappropriately casual for the function) because then I feel like the 'high-maintenance' one ... like people will expect me to run to the bathroom every five minutes to redo my lipgloss, and talk obnoxiously on my cell phone or something.

When I was working, I got pegged as the girl who wears weird stuff (not weird at all! I swear!). People used to come down to visit me every morning just to see/comment on what I was wearing . I didn't look weird, I just looked like I gave a damn.

Oh gosh, I get this at work, too. Not so much anymore, since I've been there for a year and a half, so people are generally used to me. But when I first started, it was constant.

And I definitely relate to dressing differently around different people. I'll tend to get more dressed up and wear funkier stuff for a girls' night out because my friends understand and appreciate it, even if they aren't wearing the same kind of thing. No one usually makes comments, other than compliments. No snide remarks or 'why are you so dressed up' bs.

When I'm with McStubborn, I'm generally casual, unless we're going somewhere that requires us to dress up a little more (then I wear the funkier/trendier stuff, ie, the outfit for my company's holiday party). But overall, just hanging out with him, I'm dressed down. He actually prefers me dressed down, with my hair all crazy and undone and minimal/no make-up as opposed to all dressed up. It's actually a bit of a relief for me b/c I've dated guys who used to get upset if I wasn't dressed up for them when I was just hanging out at home. Seriously. But that's a whole different post.

Kelly · Hermes

kenzie wrote:

I've dated guys who used to get upset if I wasn't dressed up for them when I was just hanging out at home. Seriously. But that's a whole different post.

What??? I think that's slightly ridiculous. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've dressed up for my BF if I knew all we were going to do was hang out at home. Including when we first started dating. I love getting dressed up (which actually saddens my BF, I think, because he likes me without makeup but I can't leave the house without a bit), but if someone actually got upset because I didn't dress up solely for them...there'd be a problem. I'm glad McStubborn is not like that for you :)