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kenzie · Chanel

my mother is making me crazy

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

gotta love those difficult mothers! I have the nagger that nags but doesn't mean to nag because she's trying to "help" and also hasn't quite learned that I have/need to grow up and do things for myself. It is so hard because I tend to snap and then she tends to get upset and cry to my dad. So he gets stuck hearing me cry when she won't talk to me and hearing her cry because she is having a hard time letting me grow up. It completely sucks. We just went through it wednesday when my dad and I went car shopping and I didn't invite my mom.

Anyways... All you can do is try to stay calm and avoid the subject/change the subject. Try not to talk about it for a while and don't give her updates on the situations. Hopefully she will stop talking about it and then you can start selectively telling her things again. Probably in her mind she is trying to help you and she is just getting frustrated that you aren't listening and you are frustrated because she isn't listening and has her opinion.s

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I can totally understand how you feel. I love my mother dearly but she can get like this too. This fall it was about my apartment search, which I posted about on here. What I found effective was writing her an email where I explained how I felt, and I made sure to start out by saying "I am in no way trying to start an argument here. I am only trying to help us better understand each other," and then went on to explain my feelings and my reasoning, while also emphasizing that ultimately any decision I made was mine alone. It helped her see that her interference and nagging wasn't helping me at all, and in fact making things much worse.

Ultimately, you may want to tell your mom that you appreciate her concern but that you need to ask her to stop discussing this matter with you. You could tell her that no matter what happens, you will still own your decision and you are an adult. Sometimes it helps my mom back off when I tell her I know her concern is coming out of love, but that right now she has to stop worrying so much and trust that she raised me the right way and that I am an adult with the ability to make smart decisions. It kind of flatters her while also emphasizing that you need to be left alone.

Elle · Hermes

My mother does this, aka interjects her opinion when the subject at hand was not up for debate in the first place, about lots of things.

My motto is Don't Take The Bait. If you shut her down, she will eventually give up. When I first started Project Don't Take The Bait, it was necessary to lay the groundwork. I said lots of things like "Mom, this issue is not up for debate. I will not discuss it with you. Please stop." and "Mom, I do not welcome your comments on this issue. If I desire your opinion, I will ask for it. Until then, please do not mention it again.". End. Of. Discussion. Sometimes to end the discussion I would have to physically leave or hang up the phone because she just. wouldn't. stop. This part is about drawing the party line, and exercising your right to be respected as an adult by your mother. New boundaries, ya know?

After the ground work has been layed, project Don't Take The Bait is all about preventing the conversation from happening in the first place by changing the subject as forcefully and as often as required. Be consistent. A simple "Thanks for the suggestion, would you pass the potatoes?" can work well. If you will not discuss it, it cannot be discussed. Via email, phone, face to face. If she doesn't just plainly give up, she will at least realize that you mean serious business and will not be pushed around.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I totally feel your pain. I love my mother dearly, but the woman kills me. I only see her for 48 hours a year and quite frankly that is 24 hours too long. I second Elle and Scarlett's suggestions: don't bait her and remind her that she raised you to be a good person and an intelligent woman so she needs to trust that you will make the best/right decisions for you and your happiness.

BTW - This is partly the reason that I do not know if I ever want to have children. My worst fear in life is that they will feel about me the way I feel about my mother/that I will act like her when they are adults. Totally frightening.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Don't talk to her about either of them. It's a line you can set. She loves you. She has opinions. She has shared them. You say, "Thank you" and change the subject. She doesn't have to agree with you.

PS - Don't answer her questions. Either directly tell her "I feel uncomfortable talking about this with you." Or put it on her, "We always fight about this and I just want to have a nice visit, you've told me what you think." Or be indirect and change the subject. She'll escalate the questions for a little while, trying to get you to respond the way you used to. But then she'll stop, and just do the "Well I guess we can't talk about THAT" comment every once in a while. Which is easy to ignore.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 17:41, 2006-12-29

laken1 · Hermes

The best mother handling I've ever seen was my DH. One time his mom was nagging him non-stop about something. He was on the phone with her & said "I'm not talking about this with you any more. If you have something else you want to talk about or you just want to visit, call me. If not, I don't want to hear from you." And that was the end of it. I was jaw dropped. But honestly I've never been able to do this with my Mom.

Sorry you are going through this. I hate mom drama.

kenzie · Chanel

RE: my mother is making me crazy ~UPDATED~

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

RE: my mother is making me crazy