STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Bastet · Kate Spade

How do I convince my mother that I have free will?

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I think your mom is just going to see what she wants to see, and that their isn't much you can do to convince her that you are doing what you want to do, not what someone else has influenced you to do.

May I also add that I find it interesting she feels that what she taught/influenced you as a youth is what you should be doing as opposed to what hubby has taught/influenced you. Maybe she's upset that her brainwashing has been replaced with the brain washings of your husband? ***note, I don't think you are brainwashed by either party, nor do I think your mom is some kind of nutzo, but I'm just trying to illustrate a point, that anything you do that deviates from what she taught you she blames on your husband.

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

greendiamond wrote:

May I also add that I find it interesting she feels that what she taught/influenced you as a youth is what you should be doing as opposed to what hubby has taught/influenced you. Maybe she's upset that her brainwashing has been replaced with the brain washings of your husband?

Pretty astute observation, methinks.

But, like greendiamond, I'm not sure there's much that you can do about it, except try not to get upset and just calmly tell her every time she gets going that, "Actually, such-and-such was my decision/idea..." Maybe one day she'll get the picture, but it's sound like she's got her own perception of reality going that may be hard to shake her from. I feel bad for your DH...

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

Could you invite her to do one of the things she feels is uncharacteristic of you so that she:

a) Can see that you are enjoying yourself and that hubby didn't have to drug you in order to get you to participate

b) Discover for herself that camping, eating fish, fill-in-the-blank isn't the big deal she's made it out to be

c) Expand her own horizons and having something in common with you. Maybe she is afraid that you two are growing apart by your no longer subscribing to her personal list of appropriate behaviors and is threatened by that fact.

-gd

Elle · Hermes

We have a situation going on here with similar characteristics, though not as severe I don't think. Ours started when we moved back after being away for 4 years, and we happened to arrive with lots of our own opinions - many different from the way we had been 'raised'. There was an adjustment period (still ongoing) and we basically all had to re-get to know each other as adults on a level playing field, as opposed to the parent=teacher/child=student dynamic.

Honestly, your mom probably doesn't want to acknowledge that you're not her little girl anymore. That you're a grown woman who has the ability and the right to think for herself and form her own opinions, and doesn't need to rely on what she's been 'taught' by anyone for her information. Your growth and change from an impressionable teen that she was responsible for shaping into this adult person seems hard for her to swallow, and so instead of swallowing it she's denying it. That's not fair to either of you, because she's missing out on who you are NOW by trying to keep you who you were THEN. It's all about challenging perceptions, baby!

Let me just say that every time I speak to my mother, I get the mouth-agape, "WHAT did you just say?!", "Excuse me, but who are you?!" look from her about something. Luckily they've been mostly, er, intrigued by the 'new' me, but they have their moments.

luckylily · Gucci

I'm sorry you are going through this.

IMO, this sounds like a case of perhaps Mom being a little hurt/jealous/upset that she isn't the most important or influential person in your life anymore.

I don't know that there is much you can do to change her feelings. However, if it were me, I know I couldn't shrug it off with out saying anything.

I'd firmly say something like, "Mom, I appreciate that you are concerned about my well being. You raised me to be a strong, independant woman who is passionate about her thoughts/opinions/hobbies, and that is what I am. Yes, I've developed some new interest with DH, but I truly enjoy them. He's also developed interest in some of the things I like. I find it extremely hurtful when you suggest that I'm not thinking for myself. I will not tolerate your disrespect for me, DH, and our relationship."

You get the idea...

I also like greendiamond's idea of getting her involved in some of those activities, so she can see that you are actually having a good time.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

luckylily wrote:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

IMO, this sounds like a case of perhaps Mom being a little hurt/jealous/upset that she isn't the most important or influential person in your life anymore.

I don't know that there is much you can do to change her feelings. However, if it were me, I know I couldn't shrug it off with out saying anything.

I'd firmly say something like, "Mom, I appreciate that you are concerned about my well being. You raised me to be a strong, independant woman who is passionate about her thoughts/opinions/hobbies, and that is what I am. Yes, I've developed some new interest with DH, but I truly enjoy them. He's also developed interest in some of the things I like. I find it extremely hurtful when you suggest that I'm not thinking for myself. I will not tolerate your disrespect for me, DH, and our relationship."

You get the idea...

I also like greendiamond's idea of getting her involved in some of those activities, so she can see that you are actually having a good time.

ITA with everything here and the other suggestions. Sounds like your mom is having a hard time letting go of her image of you as a little girl. I suspect all parents have trouble with this to varying degrees -- my own mom constantly encourages me to move out of New York and is always telling my brother to leave California, and thinks both of us are being "forced" to stay in these places by our significant others when both of us actually like where we live. Sometimes you just have to keep reinforcing the message that you are your own person -- it will probably take a while, but it's about the consistent reinforcement of the message.

Bastet · Kate Spade

Thanks for all the great advice! I do think she's having a hard time adjusting to who I am now, and I think that there are a lot of things about post-college me that she doesn't like. Her entire family all have the same beliefs/opinions/etc. and I grew away from that over the years. I think it's hard for her to cope with it, and she's choosing to blame hubby rather than being disappointed in me. I've tried to explain to her that I'm not being controlled by hubby, but she doesn't believe me, which is infuriating.

As for getting her involved in some of my activities, I might try that. She's been pretty resistant. A while back, I tried to cook a tuna steak for her and she wouldn't even try it!

NCshopper · Hermes

Bastet wrote:

As for getting her involved in some of my activities, I might try that. She's been pretty resistant. A while back, I tried to cook a tuna steak for her and she wouldn't even try it!

I think getting her involved and spending time with her will really help. But I think you're going to have to start small--if she's never eaten fish before, don't expect her to change and enjoy it overnight. So, maybe just hang out with her and do things that you guys like to do together, that you know you can do together and still get along. Like go for a walk, go shopping, treat her to a pedicure, bake cookies or something. Then ease in to the other stuff.

I think what's important though isn't the fact that she like the activities/things you like. She doesn't have to like camping or eating fish or pork or whatever. She just needs to understand that you like it and you like it because you do, not because your hubby has made you like it.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I totally relate.

I have been married 8 years , and my mother still does this as well. I was raised one religion as a child and converted to another prior to meeting my husband. My mother has never accepted this and still to this day tells family and friends that I was forced to convert for my husband. (total crap !)

I know it is frustrating and it sucks to deal with it, but I just have learned to state my opinion , and let her deal with it. I ignore the comments now, because she needs to tell herself that it is my husbands influence bec she honsetly cant accept that it is my decions.

Hang in there, :)

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

This kind of happened to me. I'll give a smal background: I am from a very blue collar town in Michigan where people think you are rich if you make $50K a year. My family is not well-off by any means and although I am pretty fancy, they most certainly are not. My mother has always been very supportive of my dreams and fashion addiction (I partly think that some of the shopping addiction is her fault, hee-hee), but last year when I went home for Christmas we got into the biggest argument. Why? Because I no longer view life the way that she does. She even went so far as to say that I am completely stuck up now that I live in Chicago and I think that I am better than everyone with my sushi and fancy clothes and bags. Then she went too far and brought BF into it and started going on about his 3 bedroom condo in the city and BMW and the $1000 handbags he buys me. That was the last straw.

I just told her that I was sorry that she felt that way, but when you step outside my small hometown you see that the world is a very large place and you can choose to embrace that or you can stick with your small town mentality. I then went so far as to remind her that I have always shared my good fortune with my family (I bought her a new car last summer when she need one) and I am not going to apologize for my BF having money. He works very hard and he is very good to me and my family. I then told her to grow up and that if she can not accept the person that I am and who BF is then I would happily call the airline and get a plan ticket back to Chicago for Christmas because the BF and I have never spent Christmas together in 6 years because I choose to go and see my family for the holidays. She also didn't mind BF's cash when it paid for a brand new pair of Gucci sunglasses for her either.

Luckily my sister was there or it would have gotten uglier. It made me happy when she told my mom that she was talking nonsense and that any changes in me have been for the better (my big sis rules). Anyway, if I were you I would lay it on the line with mom and tell her that she needs to embrace who both you and DH or are or she won't be seeing you anymore. My mom did a complete 180 when I did that and she hasn't made a peep since.

atlgirl · Gucci

I think Farrah summed it up pretty well. You may have to just accept that she doesn't want you to change. It's a tribal mentality and people always want other people to stay the same...they will naturally resist changes and growth on your part. Your mom sounds a little extreme about it though!

I'd try some of the suggestions here, but know that if they don't / can't accept you as you are now, there may have to be some distance put between you all. I've had this happen with my own family - but then, we never were all that "emotionally close" anyway, so it's not that great a loss. We still get along and all, but some things we just don't discuss. It's easier on all of us that way.