STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

shopaholic · Dooney & Bourke

i dont know what to do...

Hermes

I don't know what this problem is that you need to change, but people need to take or leave people for what/who they are.

Him telling you that you are the problem doesn't seem right either. It sounds like he views you as his possession, and that you have to change to be someone he wants you to be.

As hard as it is to lose a boyfriend, this may be a blessing in disguise for you. Find someone who will love you for who you are.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I agree - this does NOT sound right. It sounds like he can't accept responsibility for his own feelings, and has to put the blame on you. It sounds like he won't allow you to make your own decisions, he has to try to control you. And it sounds like he is VERY impatient, difficult and not understanding of what you have to do - a MONTH is that big of a deal? His criticism of you as defensive to his criticism raised a big red flag, too. How often is he criticizing you? And why is he supposedly in charge?

And he's been waiting for you to change but you keep "slipping up?" Or, how about, you're normal and he can't seem to get used to the idea that someone he loves has flaws. And expects you to constantly be improving. Does he have to work this hard? It doesn't sound like you would expect something like this of him at all.

It sounds like you already sort of know something is wrong, it's just hard to see it because he sometimes has a point, and because he is SO completely sure that the problem is you. But I really think you're having a normal person's reactions to criticism - unfair, unearned, and excessive criticism. And I don't think he's treating you the way you would/do treat him. That doesn't make him a bad person. But you shouldn't have to put up with it either. His rights end where yours begin, and it really sounds like he's taking too much right now.

This is something I wrote about my ex just last week. Does any of it sound familier?

http://dizzydoesit.blogspot.com/2006/09/how-jerks-work.html

PS - I'm not calling him a jerk, I'm just noting that there's usually a pattern to criticism that my boyfriends have all followed, and he may be stuck in something similar because of his family background, etc.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 11:40, 2006-09-11

blubirde · Chanel

That sucks, for sure. But why did he break up with you? What is it that y'all think you keep doing wrong? Do you really think you're always doing something wrong?

If you don't mind me asking, when did the two of you get together - high school, college, etc? Also, do you want to move to LV? What difference will a month make (as in why are you hesitant to move there)?

Also, assuming everything worked out and you moved down there, would you be happy?

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm with the other girls on this.

The language you used in your post to describe your relationship are sending red flags all over the place. You say that he wants you to move out to LV, that he has moved to LV to start a career for both of you, that he is tired of the long distance, and that he is waiting for you to change. My question is: what do you want?

Do you think you've done anything wrong? What is it you keep "slipping up" on? (You don't have to answer that here, it's just something to think about). I mean, if you're "slipping up" by cheating or something, then yeah, that's a problem. But if "slipping up" means that you forgot to put the dishes in the dishwasher or something that's really just not that big of a deal, then the problem lies with him, not you. Does that make sense?

You also said that you've made progress, but "it's not good enough." You need to recognize that whatever the problem is, you're working on it, and that is good enough. It really sounds like he's trying to dominate your life by telling you what to do and you're holding yourself to standards that just aren't possible.

I know 6 years is a long time to be with someone and that you're probably very emotionally invested in the relationship, but to me, it sounds like you need to reevaluate the relationship and make sure it's something you want to continue with. I know you said that he's "everything" to you, but really, he's not. Get out and about and enjoy your friends and family and realize that there really is more to life than him and then figure out if you still want to be with him.

small fry · Chanel

I dont know your situation but I just wanted to give you my thoughts. After being in a relationship for 13 yrs with a man who wanted me to be something I was not and doing things that he wanted. I say to you please take a step back ask a important question. Is this something I want? Please dont do anything just to make him happy. I learned the hard way.

shopaholic · Dooney & Bourke

Thanks for all of your advice, I myself want to move to Vegas, I'm a bit scared just because I'm leaving my family in NY and my friends but I think being scared is normal. Him and i are both sick of this long distance thing and its me who never gave him an exact time as to when i will be moving out there b/c of my family. i am saying a month b/c that is when i want to be out there but thats not definite yet either. I have been with him since senior yr of high school and I have cheated on him once before during the first yr of our relationship. Since all of my relationships prior to this one have all been meaningless, and i've never had to deal with someone getting mad at me or telling me that im doing something wrong. All my past relationships have been the guy spoiling me both emotionally and materialistically. Ever since I've been with him, I have learned alot about compromise, putting his feelings into consideration, trust, and communication. He still wants me to work on the communication part and the consideration part, and hes just getting fed up with waiting for it to happen. They are not just traits that he wants me to change but also traits that I want to change as well. We broke up yesterday b/c he is just fed up with waiting, and hes trying to get his life together (career wise, plus his father is sick) and he feels that I am just adding to his stress. His advice was for us to be apart for now and 3 months down the line, if we feel the same then we'll get back together and if not then...oh well. But to me, I dont see how this is going to help our relationship and I just dont want to be apart at all.

and Dizzy, i read your blog and it really made me feel better this morning, thank you.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

As someone who went out with her high school sweetheart for four years, I can say that at least in my experience, I accepted some things in that relationship that I *never* would today, largely because I had very little to compare it to.

You say that the relationships you had before were meaningless and you'd been spoiled by them -- well, many relationships at that age (younger than seniors in high school) tend to be meaningless, so don't be too hard on yourself about that. Also, don't build this relationship into something better than it is. I'm not saying that you are, but it's something to be wary of when you started dating so young and don't have anything else to compare it to. I just don't think it should be this hard -- yes, relationships take work, but you shouldn't have to constantly feel like you don't measure up and need to change.

It's one thing if you know there are certain aspects of your personality that can be worked on, and you sincerely want to -- like my BF knows he can be indecisive, and I have a tendency to worry too much -- but neither of these things creates a big problem, and we're aware of it and can talk to each other about it without it being an argument. It's part of being in a relationship. But like the other girls, I wonder if he is not accepting you the way you are. Maybe this break is a good thing -- you can have time on your own to think things through and come to a decision on your own.

Hermes

shopaholic wrote:

Since all of my relationships prior to this one have all been meaningless, and i've never had to deal with someone getting mad at me or telling me that im doing something wrong. All my past relationships have been the guy spoiling me both emotionally and materialistically.

I had to come back and weigh in after I read this. Most of my life I went for the guy that would twist my words and turn things on me as though everything was my fault. I would be all frazzled and constantly trying to please them. I often would not consider guys that were "too nice." I later looked back and discovered that NO ONE can be too nice.

Someone who never gets mad at you or tells you that you're doing something wrong is what a good relationship is made of - not a meaningless one. You can never be "spoiled" emotionally or materialistically either - it just isn't possible, IMO.

My marriage is not perfect (there really is no "perfect" marriage), but my husband and I don't fight. He never gets "mad" at me - he may get irritated and ask me why I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing that bothers him, but he never has a bone of contention to pick with me. I also don't do anything "wrong" either.

I know it seems impossible to live without him right now, but I would go find one of those guys that "spoils" you emotionally and materialistically. Someone who constantly criticizes you for the way you are is a form of emotional abuse. Realize that you will never become the perfect person for him - this is a never-ending cycle of abuse - you will always be wrong and everything will always be your fault as long as you're with him.

He broke up with you. I don't know over what, but he broke up with you, so take this as an opportunity to run in the other direction as fast as you can. I know that's not the easy option, staying with him is the easy option, but seeking a quality life for yourself should be your only option.

Let's say you are all screwed up and need a lot of work. If that's the case, you shouldn't be in a serious relationship. Spend time learning to be happy alone with yourself. If someone stumbles into your life that can enhance it then that's great - but don't live your life trying to please someone by trying to become an unattainable someone you are not.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

D wrote:

shopaholic wrote:

Since all of my relationships prior to this one have all been meaningless, and i've never had to deal with someone getting mad at me or telling me that im doing something wrong. All my past relationships have been the guy spoiling me both emotionally and materialistically.

I had to come back and weigh in after I read this. Most of my life I went for the guy that would twist my words and turn things on me as though everything was my fault. I would be all frazzled and constantly trying to please them. I often would not consider guys that were "too nice." I later looked back and discovered that NO ONE can be too nice.

Someone who never gets mad at you or tells you that you're doing something wrong is what a good relationship is made of - not a meaningless one. You can never be "spoiled" emotionally or materialistically either - it just isn't possible, IMO.

My marriage is not perfect (there really is no "perfect" marriage), but my husband and I don't fight. He never gets "mad" at me - he may get irritated and ask me why I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing that bothers him, but he never has a bone of contention to pick with me. I also don't do anything "wrong" either.

I know it seems impossible to live without him right now, but I would go find one of those guys that "spoils" you emotionally and materialistically. Someone who constantly criticizes you for the way you are is a form of emotional abuse. Realize that you will never become the perfect person for him - this is a never-ending cycle of abuse - you will always be wrong and everything will always be your fault as long as you're with him.

He broke up with you. I don't know over what, but he broke up with you, so take this as an opportunity to run in the other direction as fast as you can. I know that's not the easy option, staying with him is the easy option, but seeking a quality life for yourself should be your only option.

Let's say you are all screwed up and need a lot of work. If that's the case, you shouldn't be in a serious relationship. Spend time learning to be happy alone with yourself. If someone stumbles into your life that can enhance it then that's great - but don't live your life trying to please someone by trying to become an unattainable someone you are not.

I think that was so well put D!

I keep hearing the same thing in all your posts - that he wants you to change. That you are not good enough, that you are holding him back etc. He needs to focus less on what you "need" to do and more on himself.

I went through these relationships as well , were the man kept trying to change me, or tell me how to act. Or get angry or upset and blame me for things, and I thought this was normal "guy" behavior.

Then I met my husband , and after 8 years of marriage he has remained as loving and thoughtful as the day we first dated.

I suggest you dont settle for someone who wants to change you, instead patiently wait until you find someone who wont settle for anything less that exactly what you already are :)

kittenheels · Coach

I don't have any wise advice, but I hope you are gentle with yourself. It sounds like it's a hard decision for you. Best luck in making the best decision for you!

shopaholic · Dooney & Bourke

first of all, thank you girls for your concern and advice. i really appreciate your honesty and you time. i just wanted to let all of you know that he wants to give us another try and i accepted. I know it might seem like an easy way out but we just click. the way we interact with each other is way beyond words can describe. I know he definitely has issues that need to be dealt with and I think I will sit down with him and just let him know all the things that bother me (not that I've never said some of them to him before) As for the things that he asks me to change, I want to change that about myself, on my own, for my own good. These issues of learning to listen to other people, and being considerate of other peoples feelings, and not thinking that im always right, are all issues that my family tells me to change as well.

I hope you all wont judge me for my actions. I will defnitely keep all your words in my mind and i just hope im not making a mistake.

Hermes

shopaholic wrote:

I hope you all wont judge me for my actions. I will defnitely keep all your words in my mind and i just hope im not making a mistake.

no, not judging you at all. I suspected this is what you would post. I think Dizzy alluded to it - no one put him "in charge." You are in charge of who you are and what you want - just be motivated by what's best for you, and not just what's best for him.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

No judgment sweetie - there were some red flags for me with teh way he's criticizing you and you feel like you're "slipping up." But I dont' know if that's really what's going on at all. I'm not there and i don't know the situation, and even if he was being extra hard on you that doesn't mean the whole relationship isn't working. So if you feel like it's a good relationship for you to be in, then I hope you work things out and are happy... Hugs!