STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kiz · Nine West

should I be offended?

shopgirl82 · Chanel

that is her problem, not yours. it seems like you handled yourself very well. the fact that you've brought up in the past that her comments bother you and she continues to do that means that sadly she probably won't change. you are a beautiful, strong, successful person, you have nothing to envious about. her, maybe. i don't know her. she is probably the one who is envious about that life, and she is pushing it on you. so remember it is about her not you.

one more thing, i'm sure you're very familar with, but i thought i would mention it anyway. i know from experience when parents are ill they often say and do things that are out of character. side effects of some medications can cause this as well as the over all feeling of depression/anger at having to deal with an illness. she is probably hating the fact that she is dealing with the illness and could be scared. so again, this is about her, not you.

just remember that when you meet with her, that is how things are going to be. you've approached the subject and she hasn't changed, so that's how things are going to be.

i'm really sorry you're going through this.

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

Hmm.... I could see how the comment could go both ways... as in, she's just trying to make light conversation about the movie, and she knows that you are interested in the subject matter (nice clothes, things, etc.). I can also understand how you might have prickled at her comment because it could have been meant as critical (as in, "Look at what you don't have.").

It seems like she was annoying you that day already and you weren't feeling/looking your best, either... hence, you were already bracing yourself for something, and this seemed like it was "it." Does that make sense?

I hate that passive-aggressive BS, too. That old adage really is true... "Actions speak louder than words"

luckylily · Gucci

I'm sorry. I really feel for you.

I just spent the weekend at my parent's house. They are really judgemental of my apprearances too, and I find that I can't relax around them at all because I'm constantly bracing myself for the comments. I'm so uncomfortable around them because I'm just waiting for a comment about some tiny blemish or my hair or my weight. I'm even physically uncomfortable because I'm always feel like I'm posing for a photo or something in that I'm trying to show my best angles.

Anway, you might be overreacting to these specific comments or you might not, it is hard to tell. I can say that I understand what it is like to constantly be waiting for the comments about your appearance.

Bastet · Kate Spade

I agree with Eurodaisy that there could be two interpretations to her "envious" comments.

But, re: your mom's comments about your appearance, I've been in very similar situations with my mom. I think the most important thing for you to remember when she criticizes you is that it probably has nothing to do with you. It took me years to figure this out. It's a control issue on your mom's part, especially if you have a strong/independent personality and don't really ask your mom for a lot of beauty/fashion advice (or any advice in general). She wants to feel needed, to feel like she's still "helping" you, and this manifests itself in her criticism of you. She's probably not consciously thinking "If I criticize Kiz's appearance, she'll ask me how she can fix herself!", but I would guess that's what she wants because it gives her some amount of control over your life again. Does that make sense? As soon as I realized this was what was going on with my own mother, it made it easier for me to shrug off the criticism and take it less personally. HTH!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

sigh. she's just playing on your insecurities, kiz, or at least trying to. your situation reminds me of a saying my best friend made up re: parents. she always says "they know exactly what buttons to push because they put them there." but i'm so proud of you for not letting it show that she pushed a button. also i realize this will probably provide cold comfort, because she is your mother after all, but she is probably very unhappy and taking it out on you because she knows that you will be there for her no matter what. she's lucky to have you kiz and i hope that someday soon, she realizes that.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

-- Edited by esquiress at 13:50, 2006-07-12

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I agree with most of whats been said..

I think she is probably depressed due to her health issues and may be taking it out on you. She knows you're family and won't be turning your back on her anytime soon. (Basically she knows she can get away with it.)

Also, she sounds slightly like a beauty pagent mother. She may be insecure and have lots of regrets in her life and although she ultimately want her children to be a success, she is just going about it in the wrong way. Like she can't go back and "do over" her own life.. but if she can control you (a little) and live vicariously through you, she will still feel successful. And if your beauty or career or life isn't living up to her (unrealistic) standards, she is going to speak up because she wants you to fulfill "her" life goals.. beauty, wealth, success, etc.

Does that make sense? Just thought I would throw that out there.

And don't worry.. We think you are beautiful and successful doing things YOUR way!

-- Edited by JoceyBaby23 at 15:07, 2006-07-12

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I second what Esquiress said - seriously, you handled it really well sweetie. I probably would have canceled her damn counters right there. She's lucky to have you, and it's soooo her problem that she takes advantage of your basic human goodness. {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I agree that you handled the situation very well!! It takes a lot of strength to be secure with yourself and not to envy others. That makes you a very strong person and I know that this will make it easier for you to deal with your mom. I hope that she realizes that this type of scrutiny though is not healthy for your relationship and tries to change her attitiude. I agree with Joceybaby23 in that she sees your life and is trying to relive her youth through you.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

You've already gotten great advice from everyone else, so I'll just add that I think you handled that envy comment extremely well. You've told your mom you don't like those kinds of remarks and she's chosen to keep making them -- unfortunate, but not your fault. Hopefully she will learn to tone this down and see why it hurts you. I think it could also be coming from nervousness over her cancer surgery, and it's making her not really think about what she's saying. Either way, I hope your mom's health turns out okay and I'm glad you are able to handle these situations so well.