STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

twinkle · Coach

Friend w/eating disorder

needsfashionadvice · Kate Spade

I'm so sorry :( I know how painful it can be to have someone close to you be doing that to themselves. My sister was bulemic for 15 years before she even told anyone! I still can't believe I never knew. When she first told me, she said she was only doing it once or twice a month (like your friend) but after she recovered, she told me it was actually way way more than that. She thought saying she was only doing it once or twice every once in a while made it sound not so bad. Since bulemia is a disease and a compulsion, I find it hard to believe that anyone with the disease has enough self control to only do it every once in a while. Any way you look at it, your friend definitely needs to see a doctor and a therapist. Someone that can help her to really get down to the heart of what makes her need to do it.

It's done a world of good for my sister so hopefully your friend can get through this as painlessly as possible. Just be super supportive and maybe even reseach a few doctors she could go see that specialize in eating disorders.

You're a great friend for being so concered and wanting to help :) Most people would just go on acting like it didn't exist.

daiz519 · Dooney & Bourke

hey there--can you pm me your email address? I work at an eating disorder center, and the reason I became involved in working with eating disorders is because my best friend has an eating disorder. I have something at work that I'd like to email you if you give me your addy.

twinkle · Coach

wow, thanks daiz! i just pm'd it to you.

dot · Marc Jacobs

mara i don't have any advice but just wanted to share my support for you and your friend! i know it's so painful to watch people close to you hurt themselves. no matter how the relationship turns out.. i am sure deep down or down the line your friend will really appreciate your help.

twinkle · Coach

needsfashionadvice, that's exactly what i'm scared of. her saying she's only doing it once or twice a month seems hard to believe for such a compulsion.

thank you for your post, and thank you dot for yours also!

killa · Dooney & Bourke

Mara, I know how you feel. My sister has had an eating disorder on and off since high school. It just makes me more angry than anything. She was hospitalized, recovered ... and now after three strong years (as far as I know) she is rooming with two girls (both of which have eating disorders) and is interning as an eating disorder counselor (which you would think would be good for her, but it has only been a trigger for her disease).

I just found out recently from her therapist that she has relapsed. It makes me so mad that she does this!! She also is not the same person when she is bulemic/anorexic.

I found it is best to be honest, tell your friend how you feel (even if you say you're pissed at her) and also try to educate yourself on the disease.

My sister said one of the things that made her want to get better was hearing from me that I just did not enjoy being around her anymore. It was harsh, but true. I dreaded hanging out with her because she always talked about food and calories and after a while I started feeling bad about myself, too. And she was moody and I constantly followed her to the bathroom all the time to make sure she wasn't throwing up. Augh, it was awful. We are super close, though, which is why it bothers me so much and why I can be so honest with her.

Good luck. If you want to talk, pm me.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

This is a really tough one because, unfortunately, the cliche is true: she has to want to change. With eating disorders, there's a sort of split - they need to hear that it's not normal, and at the same time, they feed off the resistance and criticism to make their resolve stronger (and sometimes, the criticism sort of perpetuates the cycle of feeling bad, which makes them want to feel better with the compulsive behavior). It's the ultimate damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I'm not an expert AT ALL. It has seemed when dealing with things like this in the past, though, that the best course is to focus on how the bulimia effects her. Questions like, "Is it bad for your teeth? Is it uncomfortable throwing up? Do you feel worse or better? Why do you think it makes you feel worse/better?" allow her to sort of find the problems on her own, without feeling judged. And expressing her illness's impact on you "I'm scared that this will hurt your health. I worry about you" will show you that you care, and give her a reason to quit. Then, focusing on what you want for her, "I want you to be happy. I want the best for you. I believe in you and I trust that you will figure this out because you've been so strong in the past..." help her feel better and cared about, and like quitting is a positive thing. I don't know that it will help that much, because this is such a complicated problem. But at least it won't hurt her more. Good luck, and take care of yourself too.