STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

itsapinkthing · Coach

Life after baby...

Hermes

ok, I've never given birth to a child, but I do know that it can be an adjustment for the husband when the amount of attention he used to receive is reduced when attention is increased toward a baby.

he could also be freaking out a bit... men are raised to "provide" and his need to provide has been heightened with the additional child.

is it possible to have someone watch the kids so you two can have a date night? like all night? can you take the kids to a grandparent's house so you can do this? it sounds to me like you need to re-bond in an intimate way, and I'm not just talking sex.

sometimes things like this can create a rut and dialogue that erodes your relationship. trying to do something about it now before this "mood" becomes the norm may be the best thing.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I've never given birth to a child either, but I agree with Detroit -- it's a big adjustment for everyone, you're all sleep deprived, and it could be your husband is still getting used to the difference in who gets what attention now. I think it's a great idea for you to have a date night -- a regular date night, at that -- so that you get alone time as a couple together, where you get to be just you and him together and not mommy and daddy. I am sure you two will reconnect!

travelgirl · Kate Spade

Okay-I'll give it to you straight. I am a mom of three and to be honest, things ARE different after having a baby. But the good news is different isn't always BAD-it's just different.

Now, are you a new stay at home mom? If so, this is a huge adjustment especially if you were making a good living before the baby. There is a big amount of pressure now on your husband if this is the case because he is now the sole financial provider for your family. I think this really stresses out many men even though they see the benefit of you staying home.

-- Edited by travelgirl at 10:29, 2006-05-17

HeatherLynn · Gucci

travelgirl wrote:

I know you probably don't WANT to do this everyday for a week but believe me, once you see how much happier he is, you will agree that it works.

Do you have sex with your husband pretty much everyday? If so, I must say you are the most amazing woman. To have kids and still be able to do this is impressive (maybe crazy, but still impressive). I am young and don't have children and would never be able to do that.

Sorry to hijack the thread!!

erin · Chanel

hmm..i guess the dynamic of our relationship has changed a little bit, but we are still so new to this so i can't really tell completely. we were never really heartsandstars romantic, but it has definitely become even less so like that. his job has always been long hours..but at the end of the day when he comes home, sometimes i still want him to watch the baby so i can defrag. (which makes me feel guilty, because i know his job can be very stressful)

i think it will take time to work it's way back to how things were...madeline is only a few months, right? i bet by the time summer is over, things will have gotten better.

as a sidenote, i am curious how the sex thing is going to go on my end once it resumes. (doctor said i had to wait 2-4 more weeks because of my stitches...not that it's even remotely on the brain lately)

Ally S · Kate Spade

Ok, my daughter is nearly 15 and some of what TravelGirl said is true, it is different...Just wait till they get old enough to "hear" and understand what IS going on!

You'll find a new place in your relationship, just remember you are both still adjusting. It won't ever be like it was before and I am sorry to say that, those carefree days are gone, especially with two.

But the attempting sex daily, well unless you are into it. I assume you are a SAHM but are you a superwoman, especially after taking care of kids? If you don't want it daily, just going through the motions will soon show to DH you are doing just that, plus you are selling yourself short.

Just talk to him, tell him how you feel, where you think you are and your worries in the relationship.

Marriage with children is always changing and I am sure all will be right after he knows how you feel and you know how he feels.

travelgirl · Kate Spade

I told you I would edit this! He he!

-- Edited by travelgirl at 10:28, 2006-05-17

HeatherLynn · Gucci

Thanks for the clarification. You had me concerned for awhile that you were some sort of super woman. Glad to know you are human too! =)

-- Edited by HeatherLynn at 09:04, 2006-05-17

itsapinkthing · Coach

Okay so he and I had a long talk last night.

First yes I am a new SAHM, so it's an adjustment for me. In some sense I feel i gave up some of my equality in the home since financially I don't really contribute anymore. (i know this is now true but...) Somedays I over-compensate by doing so much around the house it's unbelievable. But I fell I need to do things to justify my being home, things that are visible to him. He said last night that, that is crazy. He knows hoe much I'm doing just taking care of the baby. So maybe that was creating some resentment from me. I was leaving nothing for him to help with around here.
Second you're right, he is feeling the pressure to provide. Not from me or the girls, but from himself. Right now that's hard for him because he is stuggling in his job. He works for a private ambulance company and his position is only surpassed by 5 others, 3 of wich are owners. So he's see's little room for advancement. They love him, but he wants more. Ambition is an admirable trait and it's really driving him crazy right now. So in the mean time he works extra shifts at the firehouse and on the ambulance when he can, thinking th more $ he bring in the better.
So in all we are/were both exhausting ourselves for the sake of the family, and we got lost in here somewhere. Leaving very little for each other. We dcided to go out Thurdsay for drinks and to relax alone with eachother a little. No work or kid talk, even though I'm sure we'll end up there at some time that night.
Thanks girls for letting me vent. I know we'll get through this and be stronger because of it.

BellinaJessica · Kenneth Cole

Hi! I'm a lurker here, never posted before but I had to reply to your post. I am 23 and a mom to 2 children, my son is 20 months my daughter is 3 months old. So needless to say, I totally know what you are going though! :) The answer to your question is, yes, it does get better. It took several months, like 10, for it to get better with my son. Now by that time I was already pregnant again but none the less...it did get better. A baby is a huge adjustment, as I'm sure you realize. It is unbelievably draining on the mother and very hard on the father too. You have to find a new groove, things will never go back to normal so you have to figure out what you want your new normal to be and make it happen. I recommend date nights all the way, even if you don't have sex at least spend time together. Men need as much attention as children do, and just like an older child gets jealous when a baby is born so do our men. Sex does make things better but I personally can not have sex if I am not in the mood. I feel dirty and like a whore and I don't feel it's my "job" to put out to keep my man happy, to be totally blunt. I do feel that it is the mans job to be understanding of the things a women goes through when she has a baby and to stick with her, even if he gets no sex for several months all while still keeping it in his pants outside the home.

Anyway... Things got better for us once my husband was really able to feel like a good dad. When they are little it can be so hard on the dads, they are not as patient and do not have the same motherly instints we do. Once my son was able to interact with my husband things got much better. I was able to get out and leave them together which made for a happier mama, which made for a happier family.

I think the first year after your first baby together is the absolute hardest. I can not stress enough how important it is for you to have time to yourself. It is so easy to lose your identity as a stay at home mom so get out and get a pedicure or go shopping, with out your baby! Remember, "when mama isn't happy ain't nobody happy!" Good luck!

Jessica