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I thought I'd post yet another timely article on comcast

"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Is this sentiment really true? Is this issue black and white or are there gray areas?

I decided to address this issue because I have received thousands of emails from readers asking for advice about cheating mates. Will he ever change? Why did she cheat on me? Is there any hope for our relationship?

First off, I will start by defining the term cheating since the definition, in and of itself, is a topic of great debate (think ex-President Bill Clinton: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"). Merriam-Webster Online defines cheating (in terms of romantic cheating) as "to be sexually unfaithful." I guess it could be left at that. But in my opinion, emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse, than physical cheating. Emotional cheating means that you are giving your time, sharing your heart and secrets, and developing intimate feelings for someone other than your mate.

If you have been cheated on and lied to by the person you trusted most, the person you thought was in your corner no matter what, it is extremely hard to see past the pain. If this person could betray you once, what would stop him or her from doing it again? They obviously had no regard for your feelings when they were being disloyal the first time.

Cheating is a very complex act. It not only hurts the person that has been betrayed, but in the end the cheater is also punished. Marriages can be ruined, families torn apart, and relationships wrecked. Why would anyone want to take that risk, especially if they say that they truly love their mate? Can someone really love one person and be secretly sleeping with another?

Cheating is a sign of complete and utter disrespect for one's mate and oneself. Cheating is incredibly selfish and immature. Cheaters put their needs/wants/desires ahead of any sense of loyalty or responsibility that they may have to their mate or family. I think that our society encourages and rewards cheaters. With so may TV shows glamorizing infidelity, it is no wonder that many people think it's cool to be a "playa."

Once someone has been unfaithful, can they truly understand how much pain they have caused and never stray again?

Unfortunately, this isn't the type of question that can be answered with a simple yes or no. I wish it was that easy. My answer is both yes and no. I am not trying to be tricky or dodge the question, but ultimately I think it all depends on the person who cheated.

I think the odds of someone becoming a repeat offender directly correlate with the reasons behind their initial act of deception. There are a million and one reasons why people cheat--and sometimes there is just no reason at all. Let's take a look at five of the most common reasons and determine whether the cheater is likely to stray again:

1) Low self-esteem:
A person with self-esteem problems might stray because he or she needs constant reassurance that they are worthy of attention. This person must seek professional help to try to understand the root of their insecurities and confront them head on. If this person does not deal with the issues, they will most likely stray again when they are feeling down and someone shows interest. Their desire for approval overpowers their ability to resist even the slightest temptation.

2) Sex addiction:
Some people cheat because they crave sex all the time. Hollywood was stunned when Eric Benet admitted to being a sex addict and cheating on Halle Berry. The dissolution of their marriage proves that when it comes to cheating, it doesn't matter if a person is gorgeous. There are a number of treatment programs and support groups available for people who think they may be addicted to sex. If a person with a sex addiction realizes that he or she has this issue and seeks medical help, then there is hope. If not, this person will likely seek physical satisfaction elsewhere if his or her mate is not readily available to meet their needs.

3) Immaturity and selfishness:
Based on my personal experiences and reader emails, these are the main reasons people cheat. Many people are so wrapped up in themselves that they just don't think about what they are doing. They just do what feels good to them at that specific moment in time. Thankfully, these are things that can be rectified. People can mature and decide that stability and commitment mean much more to them than the "thrill" of cheating. A lot of people may have cheated when they were dating, but would never dream about straying after saying 'I do.' However, there are some people who never grow up (no matter how old they are). If your mate cheats because of selfishness or immaturity, you need to listen to your gut and decide if you think he or she is really capable of change.

4) Problem(s) with mate:
Some people cheat because they feel that their needs are not being met by their mate. These could be physical or emotional needs. Instead of dealing with the problems or ending the relationship, this person decides to avoid the real issues and seek solace in the arms of another. With counseling and true honesty, a person can learn how to deal with relationship issues without looking for a temporary escape route. However, if this person places the blame for his or her deception on their partner, then the betrayal will likely happen again since the cheater is not taking responsibility.

5) Excitement:
Some people cheat for the sheer thrill of doing something dangerous, something that they know they shouldn't be doing. These people are easily bored and like the heart-pumping, out-of-control feelings that an affair can elicit. Priorities can shift and people can decide that the pursuit of excitement has too many consequences. But if they are more concerned with excitement and lust than love and commitment, they will always be on the lookout for another pretty face.

For people who are with someone who cheated on a previous mate, be careful. Don't believe the hype. Don't think that because you are better looking, friendlier, funnier (fill in whatever adjective you want here) that he or she will not cheat on you. I have come to the realization that cheating has little to do with the mate, and much more to do with the cheater's own personal issues. Like they say, a person can only change if he or she wants to change. No one can change anyone else.

One way to stop the cheating cycle is to be honest. If you find someone else that interests you enough to get involved with, tell your mate and break it off with him or her before starting anything new. But keep in mind: the grass isn't always greener on the other side. There will always be smart, interesting, attractive people in this world to tempt you but if you value family and real love then you will remember why you don't want to cheat.

People need to realize that cheating is a choice. It is a choice that has consequences, even if the cheater is never caught. Just as we stop and think about other life-altering decisions (jobs, moves, school, health, etc.) we need to do the same with cheating. What are the drawbacks? What are the advantages? After careful contemplation, most people will realize that the negatives far outweigh the positives. Simply put, we need to think before we act. This is not a new concept; it is something our mothers have told us from day one.

Please feel free to submit your opinions on this topic to chelscorner@comcast.net.

I surveyed a number of people on this issue and here is a sampling of their thoughts:

"I cheated in high school and early in college, but have since changed my ways. Nothing dramatic happened (I never got caught), it just occurred to me that hurting someone I cared about wasn't worth it."
--Gary H.

"I think that a cheater can "change" if they're with the right person. I've seen it, and it's wonderful."
--Lynette G.

"I think a cheater can change his/her ways. Those that can may be in the minority, but just because you've cheated when you were younger doesn't mean you will cheat again. Of course, different relationships will dictate cheating. For instance, if you are with someone for convenience, you will probably cheat. But if you are truly in love with someone, there's no need to cheat. If you are talking about just one relationship, I still don't think it's fair to say "once a cheater, always a cheater." Maybe someone did go astray once but learned his/her lesson that it was a huge mistake they don't want to repeat. As they say, you learn from your mistakes. That said, some people are just jerks and will cheat no matter what."
--Grant F.

"Well, I think that question can only be answered with another question, which is: Why is the person cheating in the first place? Are they cheating because they are dissatisfied with their current partner and are finding those needs fulfilled with someone else? Or are they dissatisfied with some aspect of themselves and they are expressing their discontent by acting out repeatedly? If the answer is the latter, then until the cheater faces their inner demons, they will always look externally for satisfaction."
--Joseph S.

"I think a cheater can change their ways. Cheating and lying is a really immature, irresponsible way to handle life. Cheaters don't really "get it" about why it's wrong or how it hurts people. Changing is not entirely about being a better person. It's also about not getting hurt yourself and comprehending you have the control and ability to create a nicer, simpler, braver life. Once someone values their own experience in life, chances are, they will value others."
--Stacey F.

"I think it is probably possible for someone to change their ways. I would not be able to remain with someone who had cheated on me, or who I knew cheated on someone else, though. To me, cheating would be a mark of untrustworthiness and disrespect that I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget."
--Alessandro R.

"I think people change. People grow up, mature, and their priorities change. Someone who used to be interested in hooking up with as many people as possible could eventually want to settle down and start a family. As you get older, stability and consistency become more appealing."
--Lenny M.

"I think it depends on the person. When my sister "Kelly" was in college, she started dating "Mark," who still had a girlfriend back home. Kelly and Mark eventually got engaged, and then a year or so later, Mark was cheating on her with a mutual friend. We found out a few years ago that Mark married the girl he'd cheated on my sister with--and I'm sure he's probably cheating on his wife now. It's a perfect example of "If he did it before, he'll do it again."
--Donna C.

"Wow, this is one of those age-old conundrums, like, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" That analogy is rather relevant when you're talking about the monogamy of affection -- or is that "interest," or maybe I mean "lust." Suffice to say, WHY a person cheats goes hand-in-hand with WHO a person cheats on or with. In the chicken/egg analogy, it's important to note what a person's emotional habits were before as opposed to during that particular relationship.

Unfortunately, we don't always have the time to wrap our hearts in a neat package for our faithful partner. In that case, hopefully that partner can help to minimize the thought/desire to find "completion" in someone else, either actively or incidentally. If the disposition to wander doesn't change, then maybe a die-hard cheater can either leave his/her bags packed for a hasty retreat or be up front with their beau/ette and hope to find some common ground. Now, how that person chooses to interpret that message is a topic for another article.

In closing, if cheating is an addiction the same rules of recovery apply. A cheater cannot change that they have cheated, they can only make the effort not to cheat again -- one pretty face at a time."
--Billy D.

Chelsea Badeau can be reached at chelscorner@comcast.net .

The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.