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bex


Chanel

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why do i feel this way? **update**
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where to begin...


okay.  my FSIL (although i may not ever be engaged to BF but due to the longness of this story it is easy to type FSIL instead of BF's sister in law... anywhoo.... on with the story) is a total biotch.  the entire side of BF's family can not STAND her.  to give you an idea of how much she is disliked- BF's dad refuses to call her by name.  he calls her "hey lady" and she has been a part of the family for 10 years!


about a month ago, FSIL and FBIL were out to dinner with 2 mutual friend couples of ours.  1 of these couples calls us and asks us to come have drinks with them after dinner.  BF and I do- and find out that 1 of the couples if pregnant.  Yay for them!  they have been trying for a while now and we are very happy for them.


later that night, while hanging out with the 2nd couple.  Drunk husband of couple #2 lets it slip that FSIL is also pregnant!  whoops!  really???? we ask... well, i am sure if they told friends they are telling family really soon.  why didn't they tell us?  well, apparently, FSIL said that if FBIL wanted to tell us he could.  It was his decision to say something- not hers.  what F-ing Bull!!!


fast forward 4 weeks... they STILL have not told any of the family!  my BF is crushed b/c he thinks that it is really wrong of his brother (who is one of his best friends) to tell friends before he would tell family.  BF's MOTHER finds out by way of FSIL and FBIL's 6 year old daughter!  wtf????


the entire family is like WTF????


and i feel really really angry and bitter towards her but i don't know why... like i purposefully want to be really f-ing mean to her the whole time she is pregnant just to "pay" her back which is so not like me.... i don't get why i feel these insane feelings of cruel anger towards her... but i do....


can anyone analyze this one for me??? i've been trying to figure out the "root" of the issue... but i can't put my finger on it.



-- Edited by bex at 19:51, 2006-04-15

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Hermione


Kate Spade

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RE: why do i feel this way?
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i don't understand why FSIL would choose to either not tell her hubby's family or to wait a long time after telling friends, and i think that's pretty stinky (gives you an idea of how much she values family) but it is her decision ...


i think you probably feel that way because she's a bitch and so everything she does just reiterates that and grates on your nerves ... it's completely understandable, i'd probably feel the same way.


that said, i wouldn't be mean to her during her pregnancy but just to be spiteful (mean little sprite that i am) i might say something like "oh, i wish i had known you were pregnant, i saw the cutest "whatevers: toy, blanket, you get it" a few weeks ago ... oh well!"
you know?  sort of letting her know in a round-about way that her actions hurt you.



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D


Hermes

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they're being extremely passive agressive.


I would call her on it. The next time you see her just say, "I'm surprised that you waited so long to tell BIL's family, why did you do that?" her "well it was BIL's responsibility to do that, not mine" - then talk to BIL and ask him the same thing - just call them out on it.  They're playing games and I wouldn't play along. They want a reaction or to punish - don't give them the satisfaction. Let them know what they did hurt you/family/FH and you don't understand why they would do that...



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Elle


Hermes

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Okay, even though FSIL has proven herself a royal bitch in the past, I think it's her right to tell or not tell whomever she pleases about her pregnancy.  If she doesn't have a good relationship with BIL's family, I can totally understand that she'd tell friends earlier and his family later.  If she isn't showing yet it's probably still early, and maybe (giving her the benefit of the doubt here) she's decided only to tell people who she'd want the support of if something went wrong.  And therefore possibly not telling BIL's family because she wouln't want them to know if something went wrong.


When/if I ever get pregnant, I will NOT be telling my parents until I am either a) out of the 1st trimester, or b) showing so much that I can't not say anything.  And I actually like my parents!  I will probably tell a couple close friends though, possibly ones that are pregnant/parents themselves.



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bex


Chanel

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Elle wrote:

Okay, even though FSIL has proven herself a royal bitch in the past, I think it's her right to tell or not tell whomever she pleases about her pregnancy.  If she doesn't have a good relationship with BIL's family, I can totally understand that she'd tell friends earlier and his family later. 

Problem being.... she told the 2nd couple who she doesn't really like... which is what made it so bizarre to us.


i just think it is strange to tell people who are "aquaintances" and not tell family.  and then leave it up to your 6 year old daughter to spill the beans to everyone.  so f-ing bizarre... but then again... so is she...


and WHY OF ALL GOD am i getting that tingling sensation up and down the back of my neck everytime i talk about this to someone??????  grrrr.


detriot: i am going with what you had to say... i am totally calling them out on it.  and then just stand there as she stutters and stammers around... as i know she will as i have called her and her bitchy daughter out on things before <--- best devil face we have in the emoticons!


but i still don't get why it makes me SO upset when i think about it...



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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I'm with Elle. It seems less like she did something deliberate to hurt the family, and more like she's trying to protect herself from people who, for example, refuse to call her by her name. That's a pretty legitimate choice on her part. It also sounds like this is between the parents and her, and BOTH sides are being passive agressive and indirect.

And you probably hate her because you've known there's animosity there for years, and have never been able to get it out in the open. When it seems like someone is digging at you, but in a way that you would look bad if you poke back, and you can never get them to own up to it, the situation can generate a LOT of FRUSTRATION..... Also, you probably feel protective toward the BF, and he's hurt, so maybe your mama bear instinct kicked in.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but I would try to enjoy her. It's really only funny that she pulls pointless bitchy moves, if it's not affecting you personally or being super-hurtful. She's nuts, and she's entitled to be that way, and there's nothing you can do. It really sounds like the rebounding of anger on anger on anger needs to stop. No one is going to win, and with a baby she could have a pretty good weapon to hurt everyone. No need to provoke her into using it.

If she's this bitchy, she's probably insecure, too. Maybe have a little fun flattering her to get her to feel more comfortable and less inclined to attack...



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Hermes

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Dizzy wrote:

I'm with Elle. It seems less like she did something deliberate to hurt the family, and more like she's trying to protect herself from people who, for example, refuse to call her by her name.
yes - there does seem to be another side of the story here...

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bex


Chanel

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dizzy & elle:  i guess the issue i have is... we are all really nice to her (except the BF's father who refuses to call her by name).  we talk to her, we include her, etc.  she sits there all pissed off and moody all the time... constantly asking when they are leaving.  we try and we all know that when she has this kid, we will be the ones babysitting and helping her out and none of her "friends" that she told first (or rather- at all- considering they still haven't told us) will be.


i'm calling her out on it.  i'm just going to f*cking ask why they didn't tell us that she got knocked up.  end of story.  and yes, i may just word it that way too.


**back story that i may want to edit in here too:  she does NOTHING.  NOTHING.  her husband pays for her to go to "college" which she was supposed to be finished with 2 years ago.  apparently he doesn't even believe that she goes.  i get really pissed off at people with no ambition in life.  if you want to be a SAHM, thats great.  but just say it.  and then do it.  don't act like you want to be a teacher and then never do anything to get towards your goals.  which is what she does.  she's lazy and i can't stand it.  and i swear she is just having this kid in order to continue to "go to college" and not do anything about the end result.



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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and WHY OF ALL GOD am i getting that tingling sensation up and down the back of my neck everytime i talk about this to someone??????  grrrr.
... i am totally calling them out on it.  and then just stand there as she stutters and stammers around... as i know she will as i have called her and her bitchy daughter out on things before <--- best devil face we have in the emoticons!
but i still don't get why it makes me SO upset when i think about it...


This is what I'm saying - maybe getting angry with her just makes her weirder? The thing is, seriously, did you just call a six-year-old a bitch? Because I've definitely felt this angry before. It's not fun. But is this something you want in your life, when really, it's not your direct problem? Is there any way you could step back and let the participants fight it out?

Saying something is definitely legitimate. Clearly, you were hurt by how she handled it, and you have the right to tell her so. It sounds like things have built up to the point where you know she is just insane and every little thing she does provokes your strongest defense mechanism because, well, she's crazy and that's really scary. What you're feeling is totally normal given the situation. Anyone would want her to stop it. The thing is, is this really the way you want to handle it? Anger, confrontation, accusation? Especially if it's an approach that hasn't worked in the past?

Do you think she'll stop if you tell her too? I guess that I think what Detroit was really suggesting was standing up for yourself by telling her you were hurt, which is different. Does that make sense? Because I am really sleep deprived and supposed to be writing a paper, and this is just more interesting right now. Also, I have sooooooo felt this way, and guess that really made me want to chime in...

< Edit:> Acck! I didn't see your post until I'd posted, because i had it open while I was working on something else... Anyway, she really does sound like a peice of work. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. The above are just some thoughts on things that have worked for me in the past with this type. Good luck - I know how frustrating it is to deal with this type - they're so from hell...

-- Edited by Dizzy at 19:16, 2006-04-12

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bex


Chanel

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Dizzy wrote:

and WHY OF ALL GOD am i getting that tingling sensation up and down the back of my neck everytime i talk about this to someone??????  grrrr. ... i am totally calling them out on it.  and then just stand there as she stutters and stammers around... as i know she will as i have called her and her bitchy daughter out on things before <--- best devil face we have in the emoticons! but i still don't get why it makes me SO upset when i think about it... This is what I'm saying - maybe getting angry with her just makes her weirder? The thing is, seriously, did you just call a six-year-old a bitch? Because I've definitely felt this angry before. It's not fun. But is this something you want in your life, when really, it's not your direct problem? Is there any way you could step back and let the participants fight it out? Saying something is definitely legitimate. Clearly, you were hurt by how she handled it, and you have the right to tell her so. It sounds like things have built up to the point where you know she is just insane and every little thing she does provokes your strongest defense mechanism because, well, she's crazy and that's really scary. What you're feeling is totally normal given the situation. Anyone would want her to stop it. The thing is, is this really the way you want to handle it? Anger, confrontation, accusation? Especially if it's an approach that hasn't worked in the past? Do you think she'll stop if you tell her too? I guess that I think what Detroit was really suggesting was standing up for yourself by telling her you were hurt, which is different. Does that make sense? Because I am really sleep deprived and supposed to be writing a paper, and this is just more interesting right now. Also, I have sooooooo felt this way, and guess that really made me want to chime in...

dizzy- i'm glad you chimed in b/c i swear you have the clearest answers sometimes!!! 


nah, i didn't call a 6 year old a bitch.  i called her "bitchy" which is an adjective.  and she is... i used to love her when she was 3 and it was kinda precocious... now its annoying as she never moved past the phase.


honestly... i'll probably say nothing at all and then yell at the BF whenever we leave family functions... which is pretty much the norm now... so nothing will be different.


it just makes me sad b/c i always thought i would have a really neat SIL that i could hang with... and instead i may get this she-bitch...   



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Elle


Hermes

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She sounds like she has a lot of headcake.  Not enjoyable, no, but understandable.


IMO there are any number of reasons she acts the way she does, but it sounds to me like she's afraid people won't like her, so she rejects them first.  And maybe she's unsure of her own personal worth, and that if she said she just wanted to be a SAHM that people would judge her.  I'm sure actually having to deal with her in real life is unsufferable, but I empathize with her, at least in writing.  I agree with Dizzy that trying to keep yourself amused by her instead of letting her draw you in and get you riled up might be easier on you!


I'm going to play devil's advocate again here.  As for telling people she doesn't even like instead of family, it's pretty common.  Most women know for quite awhile that they're pregnant before the rest of the world does and living with the knowledge day in and day out can be tough.  Maybe these were 'take the edge off' people - people who's knowledge of the pregnancy is pretty inconsequential, but will relieve a bit of the need to tell.  Grocery store clerks and starbucks baristas can serve a similar purpose .


And, 6 year olds are not the best secret-keepers.  They might have just chose to tell her, or chose to tell her because a situation necessitated it and they didn't want to out and out lie, or they wanted her to be there for the first ultrasound, SIL was really sick, whatehaveyou.  Either way, I think it's understandable that they told her and understandable that she told other people, by accident or on purpose.


Here's a question for ya:  If you did have the nice, cool SIL you wish for yourself and this whole situation went down with her, would you be as mad?



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NCshopper


Hermes

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I kinda think maybe you should just let FSIL and BF's parents deal with it.  I know you're hurt and you're hurt that your BF is hurt, but I think this has more to do with her relationship with her inlaws than it has to do with the rest of the family.  That's just my opinion.  So, I'd let them deal with it.  I just don't know that it's your place to say anything.


The other reason why I'd be hesitant to call her on it--what if it's been a difficult pregnancy?  What if she's somehow lost the baby?  I think no matter how awful she is, you'd probably feel REALLY crappy if you called her on it and something had gone wrong.  So I wouldn't say anything unless you are absolutely, 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, sure that she's still pregnant. 



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Elle


Hermes

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NCshopper wrote:

I just don't know that it's your place to say anything. The other reason why I'd be hesitant to call her on it--what if it's been a difficult pregnancy?  What if she's somehow lost the baby?  I think no matter how awful she is, you'd probably feel REALLY crappy if you called her on it and something had gone wrong.  So I wouldn't say anything unless you are absolutely, 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, sure that she's still pregnant. 

I agree, but even if you were totally, definitively sure that she was still pregnant, I still don't think it's your place to say anything.  And even if she is pregnant now, that doesn't mean that something isn't wrong with the baby.  I just don't think anybody outside SIL and BIL necessarily have a 'right' to that information, and nobody else is entitled to know anything.  That doesn't mean that your hurt feelings aren't justified, but since she hasn't done anything *wrong* or *bad* I don't think it would be very nice to confront her about it.



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To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}
bex


Chanel

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NCshopper wrote:

I kinda think maybe you should just let FSIL and BF's parents deal with it.  I know you're hurt and you're hurt that your BF is hurt, but I think this has more to do with her relationship with her inlaws than it has to do with the rest of the family.  That's just my opinion.  So, I'd let them deal with it.  I just don't know that it's your place to say anything. The other reason why I'd be hesitant to call her on it--what if it's been a difficult pregnancy?  What if she's somehow lost the baby?  I think no matter how awful she is, you'd probably feel REALLY crappy if you called her on it and something had gone wrong.  So I wouldn't say anything unless you are absolutely, 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, sure that she's still pregnant. 

shes preggers.  were certain of that.  she keeps telling others in our circle almost as if to rub our noses in the fact that she hasn't told us.  for instance, our hairdresser informed us that they knew she was pregnant!  nice...


once a bitch always a bitch.  honestly, i know you guys only know what i've written, but she is just doing this to be mean and spiteful to BF's family.


and yeah, i know i'm "just a girlfriend" but his family confides in me and counts on me more than they ever will her.  so, maybe she picks up on that and hates it too.


i'm done.  this is still gonna piss me off... i'm just not going to say anything... and continue to, as my IRL friend suggested, be there.  i don't have to "be there" for her... but rather just "be there".  as in, i don't have to acknowledge her presence, acknowledge what she says or acknowledge what she does.  i don't like her and i don't have too.  i'll be cordial to her- but thats it.  i'm soooo done.



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poptart


Coach

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Horrible situation. I don't have much to add, but I agree with the others that she sounds like a total jerk, and I would also call her on it, as Detroit said.

But, I also think you should avoid being completely mean b/c, really, what's the point? She is what she is, and she'll probably always be that way (Speaking from experience, I'm not a big fan of my SIL - brother's wife - but it's his choice to be with her, and I have to come to terms that I have to respect that, b/c she's not changing and I know I'll never see the sides of her that he sees).

I do think that part of the reason you're so angry is that negative energy breeds negative energy. Not to sound all out there, but when you're around a bunch of people who don't like someone - even if they're outwardly nice to her - it almost gives you permission to allow yourself to get more angry than you would otherwise. If I were you, I would try to remind yourself that your family is, essentially, not "her" people, and she may be feeling defensive and acting worse around you all b/c she knows she isn't liked but doesn't know how to change and make amends. Or maybe she feels that people wouldn't give her a chance. I think you're absolutely right to be angry, but in the end you have to let it go.

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bex


Chanel

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**update**


my BF spoke to his Bro recently and told him how hurt he was that he didn't share the news.  Apparently, his Bro thought we already knew through mutual friends (which we did- but we still wanted to hear it from them personally) so he never said anything to us.  BF told his Bro that he was hurt that his Bro didn't call him himself to share the news.


For some reason, after BF shared this story with me- I lost all the anger I was feeling... So I guess it was "mama bear" instincts afterall...


thanks for "listening" to me and letting me get this issue off my chest.  it was bothering me for quite some while...



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