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kb8


Nine West

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please advise
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Hello everyone
I have a question and would really appreciate the input.
I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 years and for the most part, things are well.
I do have a concern though and for some reason I cant let go of it, so please read and advise thankyou very much:

Scenario

I live alone in a condo although my girlfriend does comeby quite often to hang out, chill, project runway (which santino better win...). Anyhow, about once every 2 weeks I do my bed laundry. Its a king bed and as far as the sheets and pillow covers go, no sweat. But I do have a down comforter (king size) and I also have to properly shove it into the sheet (i dont know what its called) but you toss it in there, straighten it up, button it up, etc. Its kind of a pain and alone it takes me close to 15 minutes. I dont know, maybe because Im goofy or a guy or anal, I dont know, its just a b..tch to get it in order. But I've done it a few times with the help of another and it only takes close to 3 minutes or so...


So, last night, my gf and I went to a bar to hang out and have happy hour. I had to go into work in the evening (dont ask, sunday night, lawyer b.s.). Anyhow, after happy hour I wanted to get a move on and take care of the evening but my girlfriend hinted at wanting to stay out a bit longer and possibly have another drink. I happily consented figuring I can always go in to work at 8pm (instead of 7). It's late anyways, whats the difference? So we had another drink.

Here's the issue -
I was sketching about the stupid blanket cover in my head so I asked her  "hey, after we leave here, when we go back, can you come up and help me do the blanket sheet so it can go by faster?" She smiled and said in a beautiful, chipper voice "sure.."

We end our evening at the bar, and get to the bottom of my complex. I asked her why she was parked in front to drop me off when we had to go up and do the sheets. She says "i thought you were kidding about that.." I told her I wasnt. She said, 'you really want me to do this?' I said yes. She then told me that she should go home because she promised her mom to watch the rest of the oscars and have dinner with her, which was true. So I tried not to get upset so i kissed her goodnight, and proceeded upstairs.

We got in touch a few minutes later over the phone. She let me know that she just got off the phone with a girlfriend and figured she didnt want to go home anymore and would rather have another drink and catch up with her girlfriend. I felt a little upset. I kept thinking why cant she come up?

Maybe Im dwelling on this too much and if i am please let me know. This morning we briefly talked about it and she told me that it was unfair of me to ask her that because she would have had to park the car and come up just to do that. She said if she was already upstairs and the issue came up  - no sweat. But to ask her to park and have her come up (it would have been a total of about 10 minutes) was not fair of me to do.


When i told her, its about teamwork, she agreed and raised a parallel scenario to friday night when we out to a very very very romantic and initmate dinner in west hollywood and the dinner lasted nearly 3 hours. She mentioned wanting to go to a club afterwards and I did say yes during dinner. After dinner she brought it up, and i said "im actually tired and not in the mood to go to --- club." this really got to her as she wanted to go out. We eventually did go to another hollywood bar (not club) and stayed out till 1am and had fun. But she was upset that I was ready to call it a night after the dinner. Her point was teamwork, even if Im tired, and have to go to work early the next day, it was only 1030pm on friday and we should have gone out somewhere, continuing the great dinner vibe...we did, and I wish we didnt argue about that in the first place but we did...and part of me agreeing to go to the 2nd bar on sunday was to show her that i was willing to continue hanging out with her even though I had stuff to do. I didnt want to end her buzz and have her just go home while she was happy. so we continued at bar #2 for that one hour (where I brought up the bed sheet issue).

Am I just overly looking into this? Should I just move ahead and drop it (the whole bed sheet assistance thing?). Part of me doesnt want to because I feel like its indicative of how it may always be. I have no problems being independent while we do not live together but sometimes I do want (and actually expect) the help.

I dont expect much but in this scenario I told her, it was not cool of her to flake. What's more pressing was that she dropped me off and continued out with her girlfriend for 2 more hours and said to me something to the effect of 'well im almost here (the bar where she met her girlfriend) now, and if i came up to do the sheets, i wouldnt even be close to being here...whatever that means...

anyhow, your help is appreciated. sorry for the long message.



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Um, are you serious? I mean, seriously, you're serious? This "might be indicative of the way it will always be..." As in you, putting on YOUR OWN PERSONAL BEDSHEETS alone. No offense but, you're a grownup. It's your bed. You are responsible for making it. And if you decide to share it, maybe it woudl be polite of her to help, but it's still your responsibility and making her park the car just to come up and help you after she's been out drinking seems a bit much.

If you think she's around often enough that she should help out, maybe say something about that generally and see if she responds. But wow. If I were her, I would be pretty worried that the above post "might be indicative of the way it will always be..."

Obviously, I didn't see Detroit's post before I poste mine. I still somehow sense a weird sort of entitlement and a whininess that bothers me (sorry to be rude I've worked hard all week and I'm willing to admit I'm QUITE grouchy). Plus, all the parsing and the detailed account of what they did that night, it just gives me a headache... Grow up and make your own bed...

-- Edited by Dizzy at 13:27, 2006-03-06

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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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Personally, I think you are just looking way too deep into this. It really doesn't make sense for her to have had to park and then come up, which you say would take her 10 minutes, if it only takes you 15 minutes to do it by yourself. I see your girlfriend's point of doing it if she were up there already but she wasn't. I just don't get how this is even an issue? I would just drop it because it's really no big deal. I don't think this indicates anything of how she'll be in the future because I really don't think she did anything wrong. That's just my opinion.

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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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Dizzy wrote:

If I were her, I would be pretty worried that the above post "might be indicative of the way it will always be..."


Dizzy, this is exactly what I was thinking.

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Cricket


Gucci

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Okay, I had to reread this post because is sounded too preposterous.  Now I understand that you were restuffing the whole duvet/duvet cover.  On my bed it IS a pain in the ass (I totally agree with you in that respect.  Help from my hubby is always nice), but not really something I would dwell on during an evening out.  But that's just me.  I am far from anal-retentive (and it sounds like you are, no offense meant at all).  I understand that your upset that she promised she'd help you, but she said she thought you were joking (as I would if in her shoes).  She would have to go at least a half an hour out of her way to save you a 10 minutes of work.  Is it really worth it?  If she knew you were serious, and swore that she'd help you, then you have a reason to be upset with her.  It was a ridiculous arguement and I think you should apologize to her.  She knows you and how you are, so she'll understand. 


Don't sweat the small stuff, sweetie!



-- Edited by Cricket at 18:57, 2006-03-06

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kb8


Nine West

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you know what guys, never mind.
You are certainly reading my story with a fine toothed comb and providing insights that do not apply to me. We have been dating for over 3 years and contrary to general public perception, all men dont try to get women to come upstairs. My intent was to get her upstairs, to help me, and then I'd walk her down wish her off with love. I dont need to 'try' and get her to touch my sheets.

Further, I am not 'clinging' on to certain things either. As far as project runway goes, i got into it through her and ive become so addicted, Im giving her updates. We get each other into shows, thats what couples do. I got her into entourage against her initial impressions and she did it to me with project runway.

Nevermind with the replies. While i do appreciate the efforts and completely respect everyone's opinion, some are taking the wrong approach. This is not a clingy thing, this is not a get her upstairs in my room thing...


..its a, from a woman's perspective, please advise me on some of these minor concerns because Im thinking about spending the rest of my life with this woman and am curious if this is a natural normal thing or if I should be a bit more concerned...


at any rate, thank you.



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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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kb8 wrote:
you know what guys, never mind.You are certainly reading my story with a fine toothed comb and providing insights that do not apply to me. We have been dating for over 3 years and contrary to general public perception, all men dont try to get women to come upstairs. My intent was to get her upstairs, to help me, and then I'd walk her down wish her off with love. I dont need to 'try' and get her to touch my sheets.Further, I am not 'clinging' on to certain things either. As far as project runway goes, i got into it through her and ive become so addicted, Im giving her updates. We get each other into shows, thats what couples do. I got her into entourage against her initial impressions and she did it to me with project runway.Nevermind with the replies. While i do appreciate the efforts and completely respect everyone's opinion, some are taking the wrong approach. This is not a clingy thing, this is not a get her upstairs in my room thing...
..its a, from a woman's perspective, please advise me on some of these minor concerns because Im thinking about spending the rest of my life with this woman and am curious if this is a natural normal thing or if I should be a bit more concerned...
at any rate, thank you.


Minor concerns???? You wrote about ten paragraphs on something minor!?! You asked if we thought you were dwelling and I responded, yes, you are dwelling on this. It's trivial. It's a bed sheet. Now I have to question your character that you would get so upset about a bed sheet.

Just keep in mind, it was convenient for you to have her help you, it was not convenient for her to help you at that time. One of you had to compromise, no one's "right" and no one's "wrong".

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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ok initial thoughts/questions:


1.  how did you find this site?  no judgment at all and everyone is welcome but this site is predominantly female and so whenever a guy posts i'm kind of taken aback, esp. when he's asking about relationship advice.


2.  if by some chance you are trying to get validation from other girls about how wrong she was, imo that's a waste of time.  if you get a hundred replies and 99 of them are like dizzy and nunzi's, that doesn't mean you don't have a right to be bothered or that you are just being petty.  by the same token, if you came on the site hoping we would all be shocked and appalled by your girlfriend's behavior and you would then be able to go to her and say "see, look at all these other girls who think you're a b*tch!"--please don't do that.  it's so counterproductive and if you did do that i couldn't blame the girl for walking out on you right then and there. 


2.  having said that, here's my opinion on whether or not she should've come up and helped you w/ the duvet cover--yes, i think she should have.  and from your telling of the story, i don't understand why she didn't.  although it does seem like it was a weird time for you to have asked.  also, i'm not saying you will but please don't turn this into a "if you loved me you would have come up and helped me" situation--those kind of tactics never work out, whether they're coming from a guy or a girl. 


3.  she sounds like she wants to go out/party more than you do, like she's not in the phase of her life where she just wants to chill and stay home.  but it sounds like you are in that phase.  which leads me to believe that maybe you two aren't on the same page about where your relationship is headed.


4.  i understand you're a lawyer and very busy.  but please be careful not to let yourself think that your time is more valuable than hers.  i'm not saying you do think that but it's a common trap and i'd just advise against falling into it. 


good luck and hope this helps!



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shopgirl82


Chanel

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in this case, yes, i think you should have made your own bed.  it's your bed.  simple solution, get a different bedspread that doesn't require a duvet cover. 


if it takes you 15 minutes to make it, it would take her over 10 minutes to help you, it's about the same effort as your doing it yourself.  if she was upstairs and didn't want to help, that would be a different case. 


as far as compromise, i think you and your gf need to work on that.  it sounds like you compromised by going to a bar instead of a club when you were really tired, she should respect that. 


i have to say, when i read this post, i thought it might be a joke too.  freaking out in your head about a duvet cover when you're enjoying drinks with your date?  i think if my date brought up that request, i would smile and say, yeah sure, thinking it was a joke . 



-- Edited by shopgirl82 at 14:28, 2006-03-06

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bumblebee


Coach

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i don't know--i guess i'm not reading as much into it as others, but it sounds like your feelings are just hurt that you asked for a small favor and she seemed to have an uncaring response (sort of like what detroit was originally saying).  i get it--if it had happened to me, i would have felt the same way.  it sounds like it wouldn't have hurt so much if she had been kinder about it--offered to help the next day or whenever you saw her next, etc.  if she hangs out at your house all the time, that would probably be within the next few days.  it doesn't sound to me like it's really about making the bed--it's about being hurt that your g-f couldn't be bothered to help you with a small favor. 


i don't understand what everyone is saying about your trying to get her into bed--it sounds like she hangs out at your house on her own volition all the time--that's sort of a weird conclusion to draw from just what you posted. 



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blubirde


Chanel

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I don't even know if kb8 is going to be reading these responses anymore but you know I can't help but give out my two cents.


So bedspread thing? Yeah, you're overreacting. That said, if I asked my boyfriend to help me out with a household chore and he said yes and then didn't do it, it would bother me too. I'd probably get mad at him, pout a little while, let him say he was sorry, and let that be that. She should have just said she was out, drinking, having a good time, and wasn't really up for doing household chores right then but that she'd help you another time.


For future reference, I'd refrain from wigging over small things (like making the bed) while out with SO. Of course sometimes you can't help it but life's too short to worry when you're supposed to be having fun. Also, when drinking is involved, I can pretty much guarantee very few people are going to feel up to making a bed, especially if it involves parking a car, going upstairs, working, and then leaving immediately.


You're a lawyer - why not get a cleaning service? I bet they'd do that and then that'd be one less thing you had to worry about, being so busy with lawyer b.s. and all.



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kb8


Nine West

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thank you bluebird

-- Edited by kb8 at 15:30, 2006-03-06

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NCshopper


Hermes

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I dunno--I guess I can see two sides of the story here.  I understand you wanted help and were disappointed that she couldn't give it.  But on the other hand, you're asking her to help you make up your duvet cover while at a bar, so I can kind of see why she thought you were joking.


Either way, it just seems like a miscommunication and that's all.  Try not to read too much into it, or things that happen like this.  Shit happens.  That's life.  We all make mistakes, communicate poorly, etc., etc.  My point is, if you drive yourself nuts every time something like this happens (and things like this do happen and will happen for the rest of your life) then you'll either go crazy or sabotage all your relationships.  So try not to overthink it.



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cat


Marc Jacobs

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I agree with NCshopper and Bluebird.


Don't let it get to you. S**t like that is bound to happen now and then when you have been with some one for a long time.


It's not worth being upset about.Unless she does that kind of thing all the time.Or if there is maybe an underlying bigger problem that is really bothering you and this is just your way of expressing your concerns about your relationship.



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Hmmmmmmm "Maybe I'm dwelling on this and if I am please let me know..." Somehow I get the impression he didn't really want to know...

What is it with boys getting on this board and asking us to criticize their girlfriends? I REALLY don't like it...

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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Dizzy wrote:

Hmmmmmmm "Maybe I'm dwelling on this and if I am please let me know..." Somehow I get the impression he didn't really want to know... What is it with boys getting on this board and asking us to criticize their girlfriends? I REALLY don't like it...
oh boy.  okay, you know i love you dizzy, in fact you know i ADORE you but i don't feel like this statement is really fair to kb8.  i think he really did want to know what we thought but was kind of taken off guard by the um...adamant responses he received from some of us.  in fact in the time it took me to post my response, a bunch of other posts had popped up and i found myself surprised by some of them.  i also have a nagging suspicion that if we didn't know kb8 was a guy and it was a new girl venting about how her boyfriend reneged on his promise to help her with a chore, we all probably would have been a lot more sympathetic.  anyway, i hope it all works out for both kb8 and his girlfriend and i hope there are no hard feelings.

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Ouch Esquiress - You're right about us being nicer to a girl - but I really think that's because this is where girls come to get support. My impression was this guy just wanted ammo. (And I admit, mainly I just don't like boys on here). Oh well, it's no big deal, and you're definitely a nicer person than I am these days

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kb8


Nine West

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Esquiress, thank you for looking at both sides of the fence.
Dizzy, I can certainly understand your caution given Im asking a discussion board not generally designed for men...

As far as the whole situation goes, I'm over it. Please dont read to much into that statement. I just figure its not worth it to sweat some of the details. But my point again, is that while it may be a detail now, it may be a symbol of the types of concerns I would have later (again, what I mean is that I'm all about teamwork and two go-getters taking care of life together).
I am heavily considering spending the rest of my life with her and as such, i though it would be a good idea to get some 'objective' female responses to my feelings/concerns...not "ammo", not a reason to criticize her, etc. I presume most of the women on this discussion board are mature enought to know that...

At any rate, thanks for everyone's input. I really do love my girlfriend and would be with her if I didnt. Its just hard dealing with some issues (and perhaps this whole bed thing was a quick way for me to symbolize and emote to you guys my overall concerns)

Anyhow, thanks.
 

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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kb8 wrote:
I am heavily considering spending the rest of my life with her and as such, i though it would be a good idea to get some 'objective' female responses to my feelings/concerns...not "ammo", not a reason to criticize her, etc. I presume most of the women on this discussion board are mature enought to know that...


See, the part that I put in bold is the sort of backhanded-ick thing I thought you would do when I read your first post. Perhaps your girlfriend could share a few similar comments you've made to her? I just don't like you dude. Sorry. So go ahead and blame me for not getting your wonderfulness. I mean, you certainly took pains to point it out here, so it must be my fault for not getting it... Are you really trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Whatta guy! And teamwork! Who could be against a guy who's all about teamwork? I guess only the kind of crazy, immature girl who would side against you in the great duvet debate...



PS - As for needing "objective" female responses to help you make your big decision... that's just kind of weird. Does she know she's being evaluated for suitability? And that this decision will be based in part on info provided by a board of fashionistas?



-- Edited by Dizzy at 19:14, 2006-03-08

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D


Hermes

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Dizzy wrote:

kb8 wrote: I am heavily considering spending the rest of my life with her and as such, i though it would be a good idea to get some 'objective' female responses to my feelings/concerns...not "ammo", not a reason to criticize her, etc. I presume most of the women on this discussion board are mature enought to know that... See, the part that I put in bold is the sort of backhanded-ick thing I thought you would do when I read your first post. Perhaps your girlfriend could share a few similar comments you've made to her? I just don't like you dude. Sorry. So go ahead and blame me for not getting your wonderfulness. I mean, you certainly took pains to point it out here, so it must be my fault for not getting it... Are you really trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Whatta guy! And teamwork! Who could be against a guy who's all about teamwork? I guess only the kind of crazy, immature girl who would side against you in the great duvet debate... PS - As for needing "objective" female responses to help you make your big decision... that's just kind of weird. Does she know she's being evaluated for suitability? And that this decision will be based in part on info provided by a board of fashionistas? -- Edited by Dizzy at 19:14, 2006-03-08


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