STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maat · Kenneth Cole

When you know someone's bf is cheating...

tara t · Marc Jacobs

you are 100% sure the source is talking about your freind? you also say the cheatee girl is not a girl you hang out with all the time, but you confide things with each other, but would you be totally devasted if she didn't beleive you?

those are the first things that pop into my mind.

-- Edited by tara t at 14:18, 2006-02-22

laken1 · Hermes

Ugh. I just feel like if that info comes to you that you should tell. I'd really really not want to & I know it won't be easy, but like you said, something else will come up about it & this is it. What if you don't tell her - it won't get better for her, only worse.

I hate that you are being put in this situation but if she confided in your about it before, I'd sit her down & tell her what you know.

Good luck & YUCK!

ETA: i voted not always but definately in this situation .

-- Edited by laken1 at 14:18, 2006-02-22

Maat · Kenneth Cole

tara t wrote:

you are 100% sure the source is talking about your freind? you also say the cheatee girl is not a girl you hang out with all the time, but you confide things with each other, but would you be totally devasted if she didn't beleive you? those are the first things that pop into my mind.-- Edited by tara t at 14:18, 2006-02-22

Yes, I knew it was my friend because she mentioned a specific incident that my friend had told me about, too. Then, I'm like, "oh my god, I think you are talking about my friend" and asked a bunch of questions to make sure. I wouldn't be devastated if she doesn't believe me. I don't have any concrete evidence and it really isn't coming from me. The way I would address it is, "I have no way of proving this, but I wanted you to have this information so you can do what you want with it."

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

Wow, this guy sounds like a scum bag. Even though I usually don't believe in getting involved in people's private business like this (which is why I voted "not always"), I think I'd feel worse about not telling her because she's confided in you that she's had suspicions before (therefore, "definitely in this situation").

It's hard to give a concrete answer, without knowing the particulars or the people involved, but that's where I'm leaning.

(Additionally, if your friend is on birth control and is having unprotected sex with this guy in reliance on his faithfulness to her, her health could also be at risk. Maybe that's too personal or yucky to think about, but still...)

-- Edited by Eurodaisy at 14:26, 2006-02-22

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I HATE CHEATERS!

I voted "always tell". I would want to know.. wouldn't you?

This guy is a complete scumbag and someone needs to tell your friend and I think you have to be the one to do it.

It is a huge responsibility and comes with some serious burden. But someone who confides in you, is walking around looking like a fool. Which is more important to you?

I, personally, would tell her right away.

tara t · Marc Jacobs

Maat wrote:

The way I would address it is, "I have no way of proving this, but I wanted you to have this information so you can do what you want with it."

i think this is perfect. i didn't want it to somehow turn into you being a liar. i've seen a person in your situation get the shitty end of the stick when trying to do the right thing. i have a similar situation going on right now too. but i don't have a relaible source.

but i would always want to know.

Hermione · Kate Spade

i would also approach it as "i heard this information and thought you might like to know"

i would definitely want someone to tell me if i was in that situation!

shopgirl82 · Chanel

my roommate in college's bf was cheating on her....i simply sent him an e-mail and told him that if he didn't tell her (i think i gave him two days to do it), i would. first of all, i wanted her to know, but honestly, i didn't want to get too involved if that was possible. also, i wanted him to tell her, he did the crime, he should have to break it to her.

the kicker is that he responded to my e-mail, giving details that he did cheat, so that way, if he didn't tell her, he gave me evidence in writing to show her.

he ended up telling her, but of course she went back to him after a month or two, which made it even better that i didn't get too involved. she didn't know the i threatened him, and that way, she didn't feel weirdness around me when they got back together, not that i really wanted to hear about their relationship because i thought he was an ass, but yeah....

if you have his e-mail or phone number, i would call him and tell him that you know, etc...and that if he doesn't tell her, you will.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I believe you SHOULD tell, but I don't think it ever goes well. So I have modified this belief to instead something a guy friend of mine did for another friend. He met a girl who started descrbing her new boyfriend... who turned out to be a boyfriend of one of his best girl friends... Instead of confronting the girl being cheated on, which, as a girl I told him to do. He told the cheater about the guy's girlfriend, hoping she would either dump him, confront him or confront her without involving my friend. Then he looked for ways to help the girl being cheated on find out herself (myspace, hints about him not being all he could be). My exes' friends did similar things to him when he was cheating on me, too. "He said he's at work? Oh, I thought he said he was going to ____ bar... He's there every week around this time..." stuff like that.

I know it sounds really indirect, but I'm kind of a fan because 1) It is so incredibly painful to be cheated on that she will not want anything to do with anyone who knows or knew or had anything to do with the whole thing. 2) There's a REALLY high chance that she will either not bleieve you, or work things out with him, in which case she will HATE you. In fact hey both will HATE you. It will be awful (I have been in this situation). 3) No matter how well you know, there's still a small probability that you don't know the whole story - maybe she cheated on him and said he could have a freebie. Maybe they have an open relationship. Maybe the girl you talked to has some sort of delusional stalker relationship with the boyfriend and he's completely innocent.

Good luck - this is such an impossible situation to be in! Fwiw, I'm not completely sure I believe in what I said above. I think it's so important that women stick up for eachother and protect eachother from being fooled. I just also think that people really resent being confronted with what they may perceive as their own bad judgment - and tend to go after the messenger with any available weapon... (In my experience, iif you're being cheated on, you know, and if you're choosing not to know, you will BLOW when forced to deal).

-- Edited by Dizzy at 16:07, 2006-02-22

Metric · Gucci

I agree that you should tell her but be prepared for the fact that it may not go well or she may not see you as being "helpful".

These kind of situations are always bad. bad. bad.

blubirde · Chanel

I'd just sit her down and tell her the whole story, your coworker talking, you realizing the similarities, the questions you asked, etc., etc., etc. That way she can come to her own conclusion and you're just giving her the same information you have.

And yes, I think you should almost always tell. I voted "not always but definitely in this situation" because I can foresee situations that are just too tricky to get involved in but I think this one is simple enough to give her the info.

Cheaters suck. I hate this guy for your friend.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i don't think it depends on the situation as much as it does the friendship. and i don't know what you should do in this case because i don't know your relationship with your friend. i know certain friends of mine would 100% want to know anything i'd heard, but not necessarily anything that someone else had heard. and i know another friend who would absolutely not want to hear whatever i heard but would only want me to tell her if i'd seen the cheating w/ my own eyes. so everyone is different with regard to what they'd want to know and who they'd want to know it from. i guess my advice to you would be to try to figure out if you think your friend would want to know or not, and whether she'd want to know from you. your gut should tell you whether she'll take kindly to you revealing what you heard. if you think she'll appreciate it, then tell. if not, why bother involving yourself in someone else's relationship?

Liz · Kenneth Cole

esquiress wrote:

i don't think it depends on the situation as much as it does the friendship. i guess my advice to you would be to try to figure out if you think your friend would want to know or not, and whether she'd want to know from you. your gut should tell you whether she'll take kindly to you revealing what you heard. if you think she'll appreciate it, then tell. if not, why bother involving yourself in someone else's relationship?

This is exactly what I was thinking. Being cheated on is deeply hurtful and humiliating. It's hard to know that other people know that much about your personal life, and in this case, they know even more than you do. I think if she's a best friend who will appreciate you telling her and that there's little chance of it affecting your friendship, then you should let her know. Otherwise know that in a lot of cases the messenger does get shot, good inentions or no.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

Eurodaisy wrote:

Wow, this guy sounds like a scum bag. Even though I usually don't believe in getting involved in people's private business like this (which is why I voted "not always"), I think I'd feel worse about not telling her because she's confided in you that she's had suspicions before (therefore, "definitely in this situation"). . (Additionally, if your friend is on birth control and is having unprotected sex with this guy in reliance on his faithfulness to her, her health could also be at risk. Maybe that's too personal or yucky to think about, but still...)-- Edited by Eurodaisy at 14:26, 2006-02-22

I agree with everything you said--not always, but given that she specifically addressed this issue in conversation with you, and that her health is at risk--yes.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

What a yucky situation for you to be in. I agree that your friend's health is at risk, and for that reason alone it's worth it to get this information to her. Since she has spoken with you about being afraid that he's cheated, the window is open. I like the suggestion of saying "I'm telling you this information so you can decide what to do with it," and if you're concerned that she will still stay with him anyway and that it would make your friendship weird, you could tell her that you will support her decision no matter what it is (if you do feel able to do that, including the possibility that she'll stay with him).

How well do you know her boyfriend? Would you be able to tell him you know this and give him the chance to break the news himself?

zeitgeist4 · Gucci

Eurodaisy wrote:

(Additionally, if your friend is on birth control and is having unprotected sex with this guy in reliance on his faithfulness to her, her health could also be at risk

I agree.

My cousin's scumbag (now ex-) husband was cheating on her, and as a result she now has an STD ( I can't remember which one) with the possible risk of cervical cancer, because she trusted that her husband wasn't having unprotected sex with other women.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

I voted Not Always but definitely in this situation, but ideally I think you should always say something - either directly or indirectly. Being a freind whose observances points things out may be the most indirect manner - but yes, health is definietly a concern. And I would always want to know too.

kittenheels · Coach

I think you should tell your friend. She might not be happy with you, but it sounds like it's the right thing to do!

JackieO527 · Dooney & Bourke

I vote tell her! My best friends caught my ex - boyfriend with another girl and failed to tell me. When my ex decided to tell me, I was crushed that they didn't tell me. My relationships with them have suffered for it. I will never trust them again. Since you think your source is reliable I would tell her!