STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

Words of encouragement needed....

Hermes

first of all, you are not being a pest.

secondly, I wish I had someone to say things to me like people have said to you when I was single. I was single in a day and age when you pondered away countless hours trying to read into his words and actions.

I know it's tough, and I know you guys had a good time, but I think you should find some anger toward him. seriously - he was setting you up. how does that make you feel? he wasn't in it for you, he was in it for himself. doesn't it make you angry that he tried to manipulate you like that? really, who the hell does he think he is?

have you tried looking at some of the on-line dating sites? I know a couple of women who have had some success. even if it's just to go out on dates - it's a way to occupy your time. there's also myspace too - you can browse for people in your area, and start messaging via myspace...

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Its ok to feel this way but don't pick up that phone

!!! I read your other post and just didn't get around to posting but I agree with what everyone else said. Plus you certainly don't want to be his bed buddy if he seems to know a ton of people. Then it would just get around and you wouldn't have a true chance with anyone. You would just become the guaranteed bed buddy girl. You definetly don't want that. Just read some old posts on here to take your mind off of things or go play on myspace

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

detroit wrote:

have you tried looking at some of the on-line dating sites? I know a couple of women who have had some success. even if it's just to go out on dates - it's a way to occupy your time. there's also myspace too - you can browse for people in your area, and start messaging via myspace...

great idea detroit! I'm always a fan of online dating... met my boyfriend that way... and like you say, it's really distracting and addictive. Just surfing and checking out the possibilities is really fun.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

i just read your other post nicole -- i have so been in that situation too, and it really sucks when you realize the dreamy guy you met is a player after all! but you are smart enough that you realized this quickly and have resolved against further involvement with this guy. now, isn't it fun to imagine how crappy he'll feel when he calls you and gets no response? that's something i always enjoyed picturing.

as for other things to do: i've been doing volunteer work off and on since college, and that has always been a big positive in my life. one, you feel great about doing something to help others (in my case, it was working at an animal shelter, helping in an elementary school classroom, or reading to kindergarteners), and two, you meet other people. there's even an orgainzation, singlevolunteers.org, that exists to help single people meet each other while doing good in the community. pretty cool. i agree that checking out myspace is a great idea, and you could also look into some sports teams in your area. for example, i have some friends here in new york that play soccer just for fun as part of a league. you join, you get a t-shirt, and then you go out for drinks after the game. is there anything like that in your town?

eta: i went to the single volunteers site and here's the page for ohio:
http://www.svohio.org/
i believe you're in columbus, right? anyhoo, i can't vouch for the actual people involved (i.e., are they our age), but it might be worth a look.

-- Edited by scarlett at 22:52, 2006-01-17

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Ok, I can totally relate. The guy who was just like your jerk for me last year was in two of my classes this morning. And I felt something for him still. So I know how hard it is.

The thing is, it's not the particular guy that we're feeling things for. It's the IDEA of him that somehow sticks despite all evidence of who he really was. The guy you miss is not at the other end of the telephone. The guy you miss, really, was just a pale substitute for the things you're not finding right now - friends, people to hang out with, people who get you and will ask you questions about yourself. It sounds like that was something that really felt good. That must be hard to give up when you haven't had it for a while and it seems to be there, and poof, it wasn't, really. Yowch. It makes me want to hit him right now.

But the immediate problem is now. So, what can you do right now to make your life better? Even if it's just eating ice cream, do something that makes you happy and feels good. Then, before you go to bed, plan to do something else tomorrow. Repeat as needed. It will help, I swear.

Oh, and think of something he did that was annoying and focus on that. For me, it was this ugly ass picture he bought, with student loan money, because he said it spoke to him - seriously it was a bunch of big-headed cartoon people, in a boat, with smarmy sayings written in thought bubbles floating around between them. What exactly was it saying to him? This guy has to have something similar - did his feet smell? Was his room nasty? Focus on that, punch a pillow, and be good to yourself.

By not calling, you are taking care of yourself, and that's a reason to be proud. So just keep it up - you're doing great!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

hey sweetie, read your other posts but didn't get a chance to respond and then didn't really feel like i needed to because the other ladies had already nailed it. but anyway let me give you my thoughts to this instant post and see if it helps some:

nicoley013 wrote:

You all know about my amazing guy that turned out to be not so amazing... All the advice you girls gave me is exactly what i needed... But Im still finding myself really wanting him :(

Don't feel bad, this is completely normal. We've all been there. my theory on why we all do this is because there is no one else to think about at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you felt a connection with him and making out and cuddling probably added to that connected feeling but ask yourself this: are you thinking about your ex right now? Probably not, and here's why you're not thinking about your ex: because this guy's replaced your ex as the object of your fixation for the time being. Which is fine, but just recognize it for what it is. It's not love at first sight (or at three days' sight as it were), it's just not having anyone better to think about. And that's ok. Trust me, I'm a master fixater but you've just got to know when there's nothing else you can do.

Ive tried doing everything you can imagine to try not to think about him...But its so hard not being able to get what you want..... I know it just takes time to get over it...

Don't worry so much about trying not to think about him. If he's in your head, he's in your head. Obsess all you want, go over every detail of being with him, seriously go ahead and just let yourself ponder away. The only thing you can't do is act upon your wanting for two basic reasons: you calling him will not get you what you want. he made it clear what he wants. that is not what you want. thus, no amount of calling will change that. trust me, i know it's hard and it sucks sooo much but that's life. the other reason you can't call is because you will be disappointed in yourself if you let yourself get sucked into this knowing full well you won't get what you want in the end. to a certain extent you will be playing yourself and you'll hate yourself for it. so i don't care if you think about him from now until doomsday but what you cannot do is act upon it. you CANNOT call him. no good will come of it.

Its weird though, even though we only know eachother for like 3 days, I haven't had feelings like this for someone probably for over 2years.

Ok, this says more about you than it does about him. Maybe you weren't ready to have feelings for anyone besides your ex until very recently. This guy is literally probably the recipient of you just wanting to move on from your ex. There's absolutely nothing special about this guy. He's dishonest in pretending he wants a relationship when all he wants is a hook up, selfish and incosiderate by setting his parameters w/o any concern for your feelings.

I know for sure I can't call him, And I definitely won't because I know that wont really get me anywhere.

Good girl.

I guess im just having a weak moment and needed to vent, I know im probably being a pest.. ha ha, but it does really help just write out my feelings on here.

You're not being a pest at all, we all know what it's like and ugh, it is just really hard sometimes.

The thing is... As you all know im in a new city with knowing no one, and im positive thats NOT a factor in what im feeling right now, but this guy is so much fun to hang out with, I wish we could at least be friends... So i just dont get it, he has really cute friends as well, so i was thinking just by being friends with him could help me meet alot alot of people, i swear hes friends with everyone!.

Ok, try to think about it from his perspective: what would just being friends with you get him? Why would he want to introduce you to his cute friends? He wants you all to himself on his terms.

Boy are guys complicated.

Sometimes they are but in this case it's actually fairly simple, which doesn't make it suck any less but in terms of what is guy's about, we've basically figured it out, don't you think?

And im using all the will power i have to not call or text message him. So i know you ST girls have already given me a ton of support, but i could really use some words of encouragement right now!

Go nicole go! We're with you!

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

As always, I agree with Esquiress..

Also, Detroit has made a good point too. He is playing you.. and messing with your head (by saying all those amazing things).. I think you should try to make yourself see, He has NO problem taking advantage of you and trying to make you look dumb in this situation.. And that really should make you angry!

Get fired up girl!! and Stay strong!! :)

blubirde · Chanel

I didn't post yesterday (even though I read it) because I wasn't sure what to say and everyone seemed to cover everything so well. BUT I went home and talked to SO about it. (He was amused at my relating dating dilemmas from ST but that's another story.) SO is the EXTREME hook-up boy. He and his friends have spent the better part of the last decade "hooking-up," if you will. I described your scenario to him and he agreed that the guy was definitely looking for a booty call. (I agree also - I thought that from the beginning.) It seems like he was looking for sex and when that was done (received or not), that was all the time he was willing to put in.

SO always tells me about his friend P. SO would go out to bars and find girls and whatever but would always be up front with the girl before they even left the bar that they were in it for only one thing. But P used to "put in the time" as he calls it. Basically he'd do what your jerk did. He'd make the calls, actually see a girl more than one time, say the words, etc. But in the end, he wanted the same thing SO wanted, sex and no committment.

I'm not particularly thrilled SO spent every weekend looking for girls to hook-up with but I'm superbly happy he was always up front with whomever and never led girls on with the "put in the time" attitude of his friend P.

Okay, all that said, I've been where you are. I've been taken in by Ps and your jerk and whomever else. I've thought "oh my god, I haven't had feelings like these in years," etc. I've believed the lines. I probably was not as strong as you are, what with your willpower not to call and anything. But you know the good thing I took away from those situations? One, that I'm okay. I made it through and it didn't kill me so I'm okay. Two, at least I know I can feel things for another boy again, which was a HUGE thing for me.

As for something to do, I COMPLETELY agree with esquiress that obsessing on the bad boy is just a result of not having anyone else to focus on. Get on that internet! That's how I met my SO. And he's great, aside from the shady past. (Although, to be fair, I'm glad he didn't spend those years having girlfriends because I'd drive myself crazy. And if he's willing to give up his swinging single days then I know he must be serious about me.) So go sign up for match or myspace or something and see who you can find. There are a ton of boys out there and I can't tell you how many friends I've made off of sites like that. Go for it!

NCshopper · Hermes

I totally agree w/ what the other girls said.

I think you deserve MAJOR props for not calling him. I know I've been in your position and if only I had had ST back in my single days so I wouldn't have had to go through the drama and the "what does he mean?" crap that I spent so much time on. Anyway, my point is that by not calling and not caving to him, you're doing yourself a major favor, avoiding some unneccessary, unhealthy, and time-wasting drama. So HUGE props to you. I'm really proud of you.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:

I know I've been in your position and if only I had had ST back in my single days so I wouldn't have had to go through the drama and the "what does he mean?" crap that I spent so much time on.

Amen to this... I spent most of my junior year of college obsessing about a guy who, it was transparently obvious, could not have been less interested in anything having to do with my personality. It blows my mind that I wasted so much mental and emotional effort on it! Never again.