STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I really sympathize, Brazen. Of course you want these two people to get along with each other. You love them both, and naturally it would make you happy to see them able to have a harmonious relationship. I think it is definitely possible that they will. Here are my thoughts on the situation:

It does seem like they are both putting you in the middle and wanting you to choose a side, so to speak. I would suggest asking them both, nicely but firmly, to stop putting you in this position. Generally, I am a big proponent of once you have chosen to share your life with someone -- in this case, you and your boyfriend -- then that other person starts to come first, even where your own parents are concerned. Not that you are deserting a parent or never taking their feelings into consideration, not at all. But it sounds like your mom hasn't accepted yet that you are starting a life with someone and that you need some space in which to do that. Try to imagine how you would feel if every time you came home from work, your boyfriend's mother was there. You might not feel welcome in your own home, and I don't think anyone would be able to stand having the SO's parents over all the time, as you say your mother is.

Your mom doesn't like the way he treats the dog or the way he handles his share of doing things around the house. Is this something you have said to her yourself, are you bothered by those things too? Or is it only what she thinks? The way you run your home is between you and your boyfriend, and if you're happy with the way things are, then she should respect that. But if you're not happy, then you should be addressing that with your boyfriend, and your mom shouldn't make it worse.

When your mom helped you buy the house, was there an assumption that she would also be part owner and have the privelage to come over all the time? Or was it more like a loan that you would pay back? It sounds like it's time for her to find something else to do with her days, like volunteer work, for example.

If I were in this situation -- and I love my mom dearly, she is one of my best friends -- I would ask her to stop coming over during the day when we weren't home. I would also make a point of inviting her over from time to time, when it was a time my boyfriend was also okay with, so she still had time to spend with us. I would also ask my boyfriend to have some patience with her because she is understandably at a bit of a loss with what to do with her days, since she just retired. And I'd explain to both of them that they are very important people in my life and it would mean so much if they would take a step back, calm down, and try to get along for my sake. Good luck -- I am sure this can be worked out!