STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kel · Coach

Venting

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Hey, I don't think you're being selfish. You're thinking about your own future and senior year of college is stressful that way. I remember being very worried about what I would do after graduating!

It can be really hard when you feel stuck in a stressful situation, and also seeing your boyfriend struggling to find his own place in the world is hard too. Some things to think about: Are you sure you want to go to grad school now? After spending your whole life in school, it's natural that you feel comfortable being there and also feel like it's what you're supposed to be doing. But if you're not sure if you want to go to grad school (and I'm just throwing this out there, not knowing if you do really want to go or not), it could be beneficial to take a year before deciding to go.

Also: how far away are these graduate programs you're interested in? Is it possible for you to get some work experience in the field you're interested in studying before you make the committment to go to school? That could help you in figuring out if you even like the field.

About your boyfriend: it sounds like he does want to go with you, but feels tied to being home right now because of his grandmother. Could you work out some kind of compromise, like he would move after she passes away?

If you do really want to go to school, I would say go for it. You are young and not married yet, so this means you still have the chance to think only of what's best for you. After getting married you'll have to think about your husband and children (if you decide to have them), and sometimes will have to sacrifice what you want. So take the opportunity to do what's best for you.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Hey Kel-

I read your post and I'm not sure what to suggest/advise. I can't remember your major right now but is it one of those majors where you really need a masters to do anything in the field or is it just a dream/desire of yours to have a higher degree? Also how old is the grandma and is she terminally ill or could he be using it as an excuse not to move away from home? Just curious. If you want to chat I'll be on AIM tonight and tomorrow at work (I use sametime at work which logs me on to AIM but won't load my buddy list so I won't see you but you'll see me on if you want to chat.) I know sometimes its nice to talk things out with someone who isn't always around or will remember later

Hope everything else is well.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

what a tough situation...sigh. ok, well let's try to figure this one out. first of all, it's really super duper difficult to have a significant other who is a lost soul, my best friend is in this situation and she is literally at the end of her rope. the thing is, when you're dealing with someone whom you love dearly but who is extremely insecure and unsure of his place in the world, his every decision and thus every consequence to you is colored by his perspective. for example, i'm sure the sick grandmother is a factor in why he doesn't want to move but i bet a deeper seeded reason he doesn't want to move is because he wants to do things "for himself" right now but then again he doesn't know what he wants so he just ends ups stuck in the same place. just treading water, so to speak. this really sucks when you know what you want because i'm sure a part of you is thinking well, he doesn't know what he wants why can't he just support me?

also i have a hunch (though it's just a hunch so i could totally be wrong) that the very reasons you want to go are why he wants to stay--i.e. the area and his family. you're probably over the area and want to move on to see other places whereas he may see it as safe and familiar, same deal with his family. i also think that it's probably extra-hard to be in this situation with him since he seems to have issues communicating his true feelings. communication is so important and it'll really help you make your choice if you are both communicating well with each other. and with that, only practice makes perfect at how well couples communicate.

so after he's communicated his wants/needs(which means he has to figure them out, probably no easy feat) you should think long and hard about what you want and what you're willing to give up to get what you want. be absolutely honest with yourself. do you think you'll resent him forever if you choose him over school? or do you think that no school could compare to him? whatever you decide, just make the decision with your eyes wide open. also, try not to tie your decision to some future action he has yet to take, like "i'll be ok w/ giving up school as long as he proposes in the end." because the thing is, you can't control anyone's actions but your own so try not to get your well-being too twisted up in some future event. because no one can read the future, you know? sure he may soon make your wildest dreams come true but i feel like the best thing to do in these kinds of situations is focus on the right here and now as opposed to the maybe in a year/or two/or ten.

anyway, know that whatever you choose, it'll come at a price. imo, everything in life comes at a price but as long as you make your choice knowing the price and really making sure you're ok w/ it, you'll be all right. good luck and know we are here for you.

-- Edited by esquiress at 03:12, 2006-01-05

scarlett · Coach

scarlett- Yeah I am pretty set on going to grad. school. I love school, so it seems only natural. At first I was thinking of taking a semester off, but that is just a semester you know? I am mainly just looking at FSU right now, they seem to have a two programs that meet my needs. As I said before, one is online and the other is on campus. FSU is about 7 hours from where we live, and sadly enough my boyfriend and I are not ones to be in a long distance relationship. I believe it would be useful to get some experience in the field before going to grad school, so that is always an option, but then i am afaird that I won't go. Last night when we talked he said he would move away after his grandmother passes away. Not to sound morbid or anything but I don't think that will be anytime soon. She is not sick, she is very healthy in fact. They have a very close relationship though.

lsubatgirl- As I mentioned before, his grandmother is not ill by all means. I think it is more the fact that he is really close to her. Also i think has to do something with the control that his mother has on him. Another reason why I want to move. Also, a grad. school degree is not something that I need at this moment. To refresh, I am a organizational communication major. I am planning on going into HR, for a while and then eventally consult for companies to make them communicate better.

esquiress- One question how did you become so wise? I think not moving, has a little to do with his grandmother, but I think it also has a lot to do with his family and with the state he is in right now. It has been very straining on our relationship since he has became "lost" so to speak. This is when he stopped communicating well. He used to just come right out and say things, now it is like pulling teeth. He doesn't know where his future is heading right now so he doesn't want to commit to anything. Which i totally get, but then again, like you said, I do know where my future is going, so it is hard.

Also your hutch is right. I am over the area, it is just so straining, and the people are rude. His whole family is here. My brother and his wife are like 15 mintutes away. His family can be very demanding on him, which is a pain. Also the way i see it is that I am opening a new chapter in my life, I need something to show for it. I also think that because he is in a confused state right now, that he feels safe here and he is comfortable.

I am a planner and he is not. This is where we balance out but it also can be a challenge. I know i need to make a decision. It would not necessary be no school, I can do my degree online. I would not be settling because it is a program that would meet my needs, and it would give me more flexibilty. As you said I can not compromise the future, I can not put on him that if i don't go away to school he has to propose. What I do feel though is that if I stay here I need some sort of a bigger commitment. I am not saying getting married but something along the lines of moving in together.

I think what you said about everything comes at a price is so true, and I am beginning to learn that.

Thanks everyone for helping me out on this issue.

nicoley · Coach

Here is my personal opinion and what I would do if in your situation. I know you have been dating your boyfriend for a long time and everything, but graduating school and deciding what your going to do after, may that be a job, grad school in your case, etc... This is a very important time in your life, and a time when, well at least for me, is a time to define who I am and what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. And I dont think that large of a decision should be based on anyone elses decisions but your own. I firmly belive that you need to do what Is best for you both now and in the future regardless of what everyone else thinks or is doing. It seems like your boyfriend has made the decision to stay with his grandma by himself without anyone else determinging that, he figured that out on your own, and I think you should do the same, determine what you want to do for YOU. This is really one of the only times in your life you are afforded that luxury, once you have a family etc... You have to put everyone elses needs before yours, but you are still young. And I know its hard to think of going to FSU and not having your bf there by your side, but trust me if its meant to be things work itself out, and you will still be together regardless of your decision. And grad programs aren't really that long in the realm of after that you will have many many many many years of working and doing whatever you want with life.

Just my 2 cents and what I would do in the situation, Hope that helps and wasn't too harsh?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I'm glad we were able to be of some help to you.

Now that I've read your latest response I understand the situation better. Believe me, I completely understand wanting to get away from a controlling family! My boyfriend's parents have always been very nice to me, but they are a bag of problems and controlling to boot. Does your boyfriend share your frustrations with them and want to get away from them too? The only reason my BF's family hasn't driven me away is because he's unhappy with their behavior too and has set some boundaries with them. And he wants us to move away from here together (and away from his parents) and is working actively to make that happen. If your BF doesn't share your desire to get away from them, then he may be content to just stay where he is and you will have to decide if that's something you can accept or not. His family will always be a part of his life -- but what will make it work or not work for you is his attitude towards dealing with them. If he can stand up to them and set boundaries, then it can work. But if he's unwilling to do that, then you are stuck with the same draining situation you have now.

And not to sound like a jerk, but saying he wants to stay to be near his grandmother until she dies, when she's not even sick, sounds like he's letting that make a decision for him that he doesn't want to make for himself. It's almost like something to hide behind.

You sound resolved on going to grad school -- and that is great. You are doing the right thing by focusing on what's right for you. Have you and your BF discussed marriage or moving in together and what that would mean for your future?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Oooh, kel honey, your boyfriend's family sounds very familiar to me, as do the communication problems and the area you live in, and your desire to leave v. his desire to stay... Unfortunately I married him and we're now divorced. Marriage takes problems like that and magnifies them more than you would ever believe. Since you agreed so completely wth Esquiress' insights, I honestly would be very, very careful about planning your future based on marriage with this man. He might snap out of it, but that's something he would need to do for himself. It's possible though, that, this is who he is. You can't plan on things getting better because they might not. How many more years of this do you think you could take? Because it could be permanent... And if it is, is he worth it? Like E said, it's better to focus on the right here and now because you can't know what's coming. Good luck...