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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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aha moment... update w/ observations on the male species...
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Y'all, in recapping my recent dating adventures, it seems like I've learned a ton! And it has been so much fun! Here are some observations.... (fwiw of course) Oh, and my roommate, a boy, helped with some of these too...

1) If you don't care, honestly don't care, you win the games every time. The problem is, all you win is some guy who likes games.

2) If someone avoids you in any way, or blows you off at all, immediately cut off all contact. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. There are two possibilities: A) it's a game, in which case you will win. And B) he/she no longer wants to see you but likes you enough to be embarrassed to say so, in which case by avoiding you give both of you a break.

3) oral hygeiene is key. no bad breath. at all. in any circumstances. it can instantly transform a lets-see-where-this-goes to an ewwww.

4) Persistence (on a boy's part) correlates much more highly to his confidence level than to his affection for you. A player who's unsure about your first name will bust down all doors to get to you because he has no idea/doesn't care that you seem uninterested. And a nice guy with a huge, longstanding crush will avoid you like the plague because he's convinced himself you seem uninterested. It's not about you.


5) If someone is unavailable, he/she will tolerate you better if you play it cool, but you still don't really have a chance. Eventually he/she will cut and run. It's just a matter of time. And it's not about you.

6) Guys divide girls into girlfriend material and non almost immediately (this one hurts, b/c I use to be gf, but now I'm non with most guys I meet). What he's looking for depends on his friends, his fantasies, his parents and random things from the back of his head that no one really needs to know. The only way to move from one camp to the other is to be his friend for a fairly long time. Even then, no guarantees. But it's still not about you.

7) If you seem at all interested, a guy will ask you out to see what's up. It might not hurt to say something like "You should ask me out..." though.

8) A guy who waits several days, sometimes a week before calling again is trying not to lead you on, and generally there's someone else he likes better.

Anyway, these might be totally obvious and maybe everyone else already knew. But it was all new to me. Oh, and I dumped two more guys this weekend.

=============================================================




This is probably going to sound weird. But I'm excited about it: I realized after my last break up that I overlook a lot of bad behavior, and try so hard to find the good in people that I get taken advantage of. I think of it as being polite, but it's also being a doormat. Ick. So I set myself the goal of dating five boys, while refusing to consider any of them as relationship material. And if they bother me in any way, I have to let them go immediately. No negotiating with them. No overlooking. No making excuses. No worrying about how I look to other people. Nada.

So far, I've dumped two. One because even though he talked a good game and was fun, he seemed a little too busy and something felt off. And one because he started the whole "I really like you but I dont' want to be your boyfriend..." thing basically right after he kissed me. Both of these dumps made me feel more confident, and I live in a university town...

So, um, this weekend I got a little carried away and sort of set up dates with three different guys for this week. (and one on hold that I'll have to fit in next week). And I just realized - they are all cute, but I actually dont' want a relationship with any of them. I'm not forcing myself to not consider it anymore. I really don't want it. I honestly feel like it's their privilege to see me (hey, three other guys want the chance, right?) and if they don't live up to my expectations, then tough. It's not my job to be nice to them. It's my job to take care of me. And me just being there is being nice enough. I don't think I ever truly believed that before.

Anyway, I actually think I'm changing something about myself that wasn't working well. So we'll see how the week goes! Just wanted to share (my girlfriends here seem a little horrified by the whole not-looking-for-a-boyfriend thing - it's not like I'm sleeping with any of these guys, though!)




-- Edited by Dizzy at 11:52, 2005-11-07

-- Edited by Dizzy at 12:28, 2005-11-07

-- Edited by Dizzy at 10:10, 2005-11-08

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lynnie


Chanel

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RE: aha moment...
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thats awesome!  I hope if i'm in the dating pool again, this is how I think!  I've always thought it would be fun to date like a guy, and thats why I don't really get mad/upset when a guy says he doesn't want a relationship.  I just think back to times where i've said the same thing.  Their loss.  I can't stand when girls get pathetic about losers, and i HATE when I start to do that myself.  Its basically the history of my dating life until I met my current bf. 

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fashionista L


Coach

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Thats so great to hear!! I think I may need to try that myself!! I do the same thing and I feel like I make myself be a doormat as a result and who wants that?? Thanks for the inspiration!!

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bumblebee


Coach

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-- Edited by bumblebee at 15:41, 2005-12-14

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laken1


Hermes

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Brilliant! I here is why I think so...

There was this guy that I dated two different times - I really really really really liked him. I thought he was "the one". Like I dated him once, we ended up splitting up, I got married to someone else, got divorced, immediately found him again, he had gotten married & divorced as well....timing was perfect etc etc. I tippy toed around this guy for NEARLY TWO YEARS. I dated other people, but if he asked me out, I dropped what I was doing -etc etc. When I met my now husband, I cut him off. As soon as I stopped tippy toing around this guy, got a backbone, talked to him like MY SELF, not how I thought he wanted me to be, he was completely hooked. He said "wow, when did you get so self confident" (i was COMPLETELY self confident with everyone else in my life but him!). But I wanted it to work with him so bad that I wouldn't speak my mind, wouldn't be my real self, I was a wreck.

Moral of the story - you want to be with a guy who wants you for who you really are. And if you go into these dates with the attitude that you have, that's who you'll be. And you never know when the guy you meet with be the one who falls in love with the real you.

That's exactly what happened with my current husband - he was very unhappily married (although I didn't know that) when I met him, and i was completely myself around him because I wasn't trying to snag him - since he was married & all. He remembered me & looked me up later when he was divorced because he thought i was great

I love your attitude. These guys are more than lucky for the opportunity to take you out!


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poptart


Coach

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I agree with Laken 100%. Good for you!

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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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woo hoo!

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D


Hermes

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that is a HUGE revelation - it's the same as the "he's just not that into you" idea. it's totally about empowering yourself and knowing you deserve top-notch treatment. guys that are truely into you don't pull shit on you.  congrats on your "aha!"

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blubirde


Chanel

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I agree with detroit and laken. The secret to life is aha! moments, imo. Congratulations! I choose you to be my inspiration for the week!

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Bump, I'm so excited! It feels like I've broken a secret code. Oh, and this is sort of like "He's just not that into you," but I think the most important thing I've learned is that just because he calls all the time and acts into you doesn't mean he is, in fact, into you. Who knew?

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laken1


Hermes

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You should write a book! Or at the very least (and more important) an ongoing dating observation article on ST!!!!

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blink


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Sometime before I met my husband, I had gone through a bad time with guys and I had changed my behavior and keep this theme in mind at all times, especially when I met a guy who I didn't want to screw it up with.  The mantra was, "HE WHO CARES LEAST WINS."


Not like I was mean, it basically just means don't act like you are more interested than they are.  It takes some restraint, but it feels so much better to exert control of yourself in this way, it definitely increases confidence.



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bumblebee


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-- Edited by bumblebee at 15:41, 2005-12-14

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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bumblebee wrote:

so what is up with a guy who seems to have been in the "nice guy w/longstanding crush" category who finally works it up to ask you out, you go and have fun, he's all over you at the end of the night, and then he waits several days to call? oh yeah, he also had a backup plan for later that evening, i think in case he was having a bad time, which he completely blew off without explanation.  is this someone who is trying not to lead me on? or someone who thought that he might want to date me and then decided otherwise? feel free to be brutal--i can take it. 

how long did he wait to call, bumblebee?  and how did you know he had a back up plan?  as for him being all over you, i know this sounds a bit cynical but i'd give the least amount of credence to any moves he made to get physical.  The bottom line is guys like getting physical, this does not mean they are romantically interested.  i'd try to find other clues besides that one to determine if he's interested.  like what makes you think he's a nice guy with a longstanding crush?  have you known each other a while, been friends a long time, etc?



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Brutally honest? I think the whole obviously-likes-you-but-won't-make-amove-then-moves-really-fast-combo is a variation used by some players. You know, the flirty conversations. The longing looks. The wow-i-never-do-this-i've-liked-you-for-so-long-lets-go-back-to-my-place-in-a-rush thing. It's effective because it's flattering "wow, he likes me" and very insiduous. A guy friend of mine (total player) says he likes to look longingly at a girl, act interested in some small way, then ignore her for a while. I've seen girls go bananas for him, and he's cute, but not that cute. So I think in this case the longstanding crush might be just a game.

It seems particularly suspicious that he moved on so quickly, too. In law school, I discovered (the hard way) that one well-used strategy is to isolate a drunk girl and say "I've always had a crush on you..." then try to make out. Seriously, it's happened twice to me, twice to a friend of mine (one of hers said the same to me, so only three guys total). And, the worst, was this girl who's the girlfriend type, bigtime, and she told me the other day that she's "dating" this a-hole who was trying to hit on a friend of mine just last week. And the kicker, girlfriend type says all wide-eyed "He said he's always had a crush on me..."

When I was all twitterpated with the first guy who supposedly had a crush on me, one of my guy friends said to be cool, distant and act like you alllllmooost want to hang out with him, but you just can't right now.... It'll drive him crazy and give you a little vindication. DO NOT make a move. even shy guys will grow a pair eventually if they want it badly enough.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 14:05, 2005-11-08

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bumblebee


Coach

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-- Edited by bumblebee at 15:42, 2005-12-14

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bumblebee


Coach

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dizzy--i think you might be on the right track.  he definitely has a vibe of being super-confident, but the behavior is not consistent with that.  maybe that was the piece i was missing (that the un-confident behavior is a game). 



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tara t


Marc Jacobs

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bumblebee wrote:

 and also, i realize this is completely evil and horrid and high school and i am going straight to hell in a handbasket, but this is not a guy who is playing in my league in terms of attractiveness.  so the thought has crossed my mind that he just wanted the challenge and/or is intimidated or nervous.  or maybe not and i am a big old conceited snob.     
not evil and horrid.  but anyways, i'll see you in hell.  and another thing, a psychology degree is a good thing when used properly on boys.

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blubirde


Chanel

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Man Dizzy! You are quite the brilliant one, no? I agree soooo much with #2. Why is it that it takes making an ass of yourself over and over and over to get it?


You are very wise, oh Dizzy one.



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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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bumblebee wrote:

also, i realize this is completely evil and horrid and high school and i am going straight to hell in a handbasket, but this is not a guy who is playing in my league in terms of attractiveness.  so the thought has crossed my mind that he just wanted the challenge and/or is intimidated or nervous.  or maybe not and i am a big old conceited snob.     

lol, you are totally not a conceited snob and i fully get where you're coming from. be careful though because once you are dating him, the tables can turn really quickly and by that time it doesn't matter that of the two of you, you are obviously the better-looking.  trust me, i've had tons of gorgeous friends get taken by guys who are, well, not so gorgeous, to put it mildly.


as for the instant case, i'd just let it be for now.  if he calls, great, if he doesn't oh, well--he was beneath you anyway



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