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poptart


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boy update
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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:54, 2005-10-20

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D


Hermes

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may I ask what the religion issue is?

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bumblebee


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Well, since you have the date already set up for Sat., I think you should go with an open mind and give it one more chance.  Don't bend over backwards to try and "make" him like you and approve of you, though--keep your eyes open. 


This is just my personal opinion, but he sounds insecure and like he's exhibiting the very early signs of being controlling--withholding compliments, making you jump through hoops to be granted the honor of going out with him.  Plus, you've already sort of broken-up with him once, right? Over the religion-incompatibility issue? So he's paying you back a little. 


I'm a person who is an almost purely-intuitive thinker, so if I get an uncomfortable feeling around someone, like they are acting sort of disapproving like a parent, I wouldn't want to go out with them again because it's just not fun.  I don't know how to translate that into practical advice, though. 


Good luck--I hope it turns out well for you. 


 



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Hermes

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I agree with bumblebee - there's something odd about that that bothers me. basically that he made you feel bad for seeking positive feedback.


why do you want this to work out? is it the fear of rejection? or is he incredibly wonderful? does he make a ton of money and you like the idea of his lifestyle? is it him that you long to be with or the idea of what you want him to be? just wondering what the motivation is, because he doesn't sound incredibly wonderful, or sound like he makes you feel incredibly wonderful... just insecure. now that's not good, is it?



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poptart


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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:54, 2005-10-20

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Elle


Hermes

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Hmmm, I think that while we can all help you analzye his actions, you are the only one that can tell how things 'feel'.  So on that note, does it 'feel' like he is being intentionally standoffish and forcing you to come to him?  Or, and please excuse me if this is totally ridiculous, is it possible that he is a straight shooter and not playing games at all and the complete lack of games is what's throwing you off?  'Cause in the dating world, continuing to go out with someone only because you like them ... it's a bit of a novel concept!  Since he seemed to think that he was being blatantly obvious by continuing to go out with you ...?

-- Edited by LMonet at 16:04, 2005-10-19

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laken1


Hermes

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I didn't really want to "make" you seek advice - I was just wondering what happened! Is this the hiking boy?

Is the only reason you decided not to see him originally just over the religion issue? I only ask because I wonder if it was an issue before what changed to make you change you mind? Of course you don't have to share but I feel like if it was a big enough issue for you I wonder why that changed?

I kind of disagree with bumblebee about him withholding compliments being a controlling issue - while that is certainly possible - I once dated a guy & broke up with him because I thought he really just didn't care that much because he was quiet & didn't vocalize ANYTHING - I later found out that he was really really heart broken because he was madly in love with me - WTF? All that to say that he just may not verbalize what he's thinking (all men, right) & he must really like you if he suggested that you date again? Maybe?

I say just be yourself Saturday & see what happens - don't try to force him to be "it" & I always find that if I can't be myself around somebody I really start to resent them, even if it's my fault. But I know exactly what you mean.

I also am a compliment fisher. I hate that about myself, but i can't help it! tell me I'm pretty, damn it!!



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poptart


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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:55, 2005-10-20

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poptart


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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:55, 2005-10-20

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laken1


Hermes

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Oh, and for me & the compliment fishing - it makes my DH mad because he says that I ask before he even has a chance to say anything so I beat him to the punch kind of - it's true - I don't really give him time before I'm asking....so juvenile!

Unfair too because he isn't a compliment withholder!


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esquiress


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i'm on break from a depo so i have to be really quick--will come back and expand later, promise.


the religion thing worries me, sounds like there may be future problem esp. if one or both of you want to marry within your faith.  some people don't care about interfaith marrying, some do, figure out which one you are so that problems don't arise later.


more importantly:  don't ever let a guy make you feel insecure of your needs.  this is my pet peeve.  everyone has needs.  you know you're in a good relationship when your needs are being met and you're meeting someone else's.  if he's not meeting yours, or vice versa, re-assess.



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poptart


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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:56, 2005-10-20

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Hermes

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Lisa wrote:

detroit wrote: may I ask what the religion issue is? Sure. Let me please preface this by saying that I am in no way unaccepting of religions different than mine, it's just that I just got out of a very serious relationship that basically fell apart because I found that my values and my ex-BFs just didn't mesh, so I'm a little gun-shy about dating people who don't believe as I do. That may change, but it's how I feel at the moment. I'm christian (presbyterian) and he's jewish.

Ok - I had a feeling he might be Jewish.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that, from my experience, and due to family pressures, often times will only get serious with a Jewish woman.  It's a possibility.


but let's toss that aside right now. Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't make you feel good? Don't you think it would drive you nuts down the road to never be complimented? Just know that he will never change, and if he does compliment you, it will feel insincere becuase he's only doing it to make you happy. Trust me, I married a non-complimenter.



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Dizzy


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It seems like you keep saying, in effect, "He knows better than I do..." He's the "straight shooter." You're the "silly girl." Are you getting that from him?


I get a controlling vibe off that and the subtle putdowns in the things he's said. Example: you asked for a compliment, and he "didn't want to be insincere." Like paying compliments(/what you asked for!) equates with being insincere. And then he throws in a major slam with the whole you're too good to "fish for compliments" like that. Why did he have to do that? Why couldn't he have just said "I guess it doesn't occur to me to pay compliments." Why put you down?


And he "let" you ask yourself out for Saturday, but you don't know if he's really into it or not. Obviously you don't want someone hanging around your neck, but sheesh. I don't think you should be feeling this on edge, and if you are, based on the things you've said, I don't think it's because you're a girl... I vote thumbs down. There are tons of other boys out there. Set this one free again, and if he comes back, he'd better have a MUCH better attitude about things...


 



-- Edited by Dizzy at 16:20, 2005-10-19

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shopgirl82


Chanel

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here are my theories:


1.   what he says he wants to be sincere.  it took my bf two years before he said i love you (we date long distance so it was kinda different), but in my head i knew that when he said it, he would mean it.  and everything he says to this day, he thinks about before he says.  he once told me the reason he doesn't talk a lot, is because if he says something, he wants people to hear it, and doesn't feel the need in contributing if it's not worth being said. 


2.  he's not used to the mushy stuff.  he may not be the relationshiop lovey dovey kind of guy.  maybe he's more practical and not as emotional.


3.  he thinks you don't need to hear it.  he may think, "she's beautiful, smart, sexy...she knows it.  even better, i don't have to let my guard down by telling her all that stuff".  some guys don't like needy girls.  maybe he finds your confidence sexy, and is not one to like to throw out the compliments (in which case you have to ask yourself if you NEED the compliments). 


 i think his actions are what you should be concerned with.  like he said, if he's hanging around you, he wants to be with you.  but if you need words and he's not giving them to you, then that needs to be reevaluated.   



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blubirde


Chanel

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You are not some insecure girl. You shouldn't have to "fish" for compliments. He should give them freely and amply. I ALWAYS think compliments should be given to people you care about. Even if it's as small as a pair of earrings or someone having a good hair day. There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking like that or expecting them from someone you're romantically involved with. (My reasoning for people deserving compliments is that people put time and effort into getting ready and they obviously chose their clothes, jewelry, scent, and/or hairstyle on purpose so why not acknowledge that effort?)


Further, why is it insincere to give you a compliment? It's not insincere if he means it. So what's he getting at there? And frankly, if he did give out a compliment once in awhile, you wouldn't have to "fish" for them. I have no problem with fishing. If I'm wearing a new shirt and no one said anything to me about it at work, when I go out with my girlfriends after work I'll ask them what they think about it. I don't think it makes me insecure, just a team player.


So I don't think you're being weird, I think he is. Give him another shot on Saturday. Maybe he'll pick you up and compliment your outfit or hair or something and it'll be all better. If he goes the whole evening without giving you one compliment, I personally would think something is wrong. Especially knowing that each of you most likely tried to look special for the evening.



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bumblebee


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yeah, if you wear that backless top and get nada--we know there's something wrong with him!


but i agree with blubirde--what i was trying to get at was, don't let him make you feel bad about your expectation for a compliment once in a while.  you absolutely do not strike me as an insecure/needy person, so don't let it get turned around into that. 



-- Edited by bumblebee at 17:41, 2005-10-19

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poptart


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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:56, 2005-10-20

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poptart


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-- Edited by Lisa at 10:57, 2005-10-20

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poptart


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Thanks so much to everyone for your feedback. This has given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.

(Edited b/c I was worried someone I know or someone he knows might see ... total paranoia, I know.)

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