STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

crystal · Kate Spade

i need your help.... ***UPDATE***

Hermes

RE: i need your help....

bumblebee · Coach

aw, man crystal. this has happened to me before. i think he's testing you to see if he can get away with ignoring the whole situation and the fact that he flaked out on you. the 9 million reasons that he was busy over the weekend point to his defensive frame of mind and the fact that he knows that he was wrong and let you down.

he's probably not sure how he feels and is testing reality to see whether you'll just let the whole thing slide and let him figure it out. it sounds like he's not sure yet if he wants to break up, but my experience tells me that he has one foot out the door probably and doesn't want to be a jerk, but also has no idea how to talk about it with you.

so it's up to you--he's putting it in your court. you can let it slide if you really feel comfortable that you won't get resentful, or you can call him on it and see if he'll communicate with you about what's going on. my guess is that he won't, but i don't know him.

blubirde · Chanel

Wow - what a sucky email. I hate emails like that. It's like boys completely ignore the drama that just happened. Not that I'm all about drama but if a situation occurs in which my feelings become involved, I like to have some recognition of the situation so we can move on with some clarity.

The way I see it, there are two ways to go here and I'll speak in terms of myself because these are the options I see.

1) If I don't like him anymore and I'm okay with just being friends AND can let go the way he ignored me, I'd respond in a friendly manner (or probably something like detroit suggested). My end goal would either be to keep him as a friend or let him go, whichever way it happened to work out. I'd probably have no vested interested in either way.

2) If I have some unresolved feelings (hurt and anger count in this scenario) and I want him to know exactly where I'm coming from, I'd spell it all out for him and either bitch at him, explain to him how he hurt my feelings, or question his motives (or perhaps all of the above). This option is almost guaranteed to drive him away BUT it sometimes makes me feel better, especially if I don't want to see him again.

So basically it's up to you. You can play nice or you can play mean, whichever you choose. To me, these kind of emails (the one he sent) are the worst. The person has too much guilt to just cut the thing off completely by not calling anymore but doesn't have the balls to say what the really need to say - especially considering you gave him an easy out. So they play the friend card hoping everything can just end amicably even though in reality they're being shittier and more dishonest than either of the above options (ignoring completely or coming clean).

Good luck, crystal. I hope karma kicks him in the balls.

Christine · Coach

Ugh. Sorry you got this sucky email. I agree with Detroit -- wait a few days, then email back with the response she suggested or something really similar.

crystal · Kate Spade

what do you want to have happen, Crystal?

well, i guess i'm not sure. at this point i don't think i would be that hurt if he doesn't want to date me anymore, but if he is still interested, then i am too. i know that sounds weird, but i'm a very detached person in relationships purposely so that i don't get hurt, so i can go either way.

do you want to maintain your ability to get concert tickets?

tee hee, how'd you guess? is it bad that normally i wouldn't want to remain "friends" w/ an ex, but in this case i kinda do only for his hookups??? i mean, i feel like he owes it to me for being such a jerk, right? i dunno, i guess that's probably not the best reason to be friends w/ someone. but i do at some point need to ask him to add 2 of my friends to the guest list for a show on friday (in vegas) and i also wanted to ask him for tickets to an LA show in december... i was kinda considering writing back like a friend (basically exactly what you said, detroit) and then throwing in the "so do you think you can add my friends to the guest list for vegas... and while we are on the topic, could you possibly add me plus 2 for the LA show? i'd really appreciate it!" or something like that... maybe not so schoolgirlish, i'll have to think on it...

thanks for your thoughts too, bumblebee... i wish the ball wasn't in my court though because i really don't want to make the wrong decision & look like an idiot! i guess if that is the case, i will probably opt for ignoring his behavior & treating him like a "friend".

ETA: wow, i took a long time to post....

"Good luck, crystal. I hope karma kicks him in the balls."

thanks woman! so if i were to choose option 2 (highly unlikely), would you suggest calling him (despit the fact that he never called me back from my last call, friday) or doing this via email? i feel like these things should at least be done by phone, if not in person, but considering he "responded" to my voicemail w/ an email, should i do the same? i don't want to leave him ANOTHER message only to wait for days on end for him to respond & have him respond via email like nothing is wrong! ugh, guys suck!

-- Edited by crystal at 14:09, 2005-10-18

blubirde · Chanel

crystal wrote:

"Good luck, crystal. I hope karma kicks him in the balls." thanks woman! so if i were to choose option 2 (highly unlikely), would you suggest calling him (despit the fact that he never called me back from my last call, friday) or doing this via email? i feel like these things should at least be done by phone, if not in person, but considering he "responded" to my voicemail w/ an email, should i do the same? i don't want to leave him ANOTHER message only to wait for days on end for him to respond & have him respond via email like nothing is wrong! ugh, guys suck!

Well, if you want to do it via phone, I'd give it a shot. If he doesn't call back in a day or two, I'd send the email. (Okay, actually I'm very impulsive and I'd send the email immediately if he didn't pick up the phone but that'd probably be a bit too quick.)

crystal · Kate Spade

blubirde wrote:

Well, if you want to do it via phone, I'd give it a shot. If he doesn't call back in a day or two, I'd send the email. (Okay, actually I'm very impulsive and I'd send the email immediately if he didn't pick up the phone but that'd probably be a bit too quick.)

okay, here's what i'm thinking... normally in our email correspondence, i write back within minutes, or at the most a few hours later. so if i wait a few days to write back, i think it will look "fishy," not that he would even notice necessarily, but if i am playing the whole "oh, this doesn't bother me" thing, then shouldn't i respond as i usually do? i think i should just write back after lunch and respond like a friend. then maybe i can still have the option to call him open to me if i decide that i want to speak my mind. also, there is a pretty good chance i will see him thursday at the concert, so i am curious to see how he reacts to me. btw, i'm totally dying over what to wear cuz of course i want to look hot to make him jealous!

i'm considering wearing my totally painful pointed toe boots, because my sneakers make me look 12. thoughts?

poptart · Coach

I think what you're planning to do is good, given that you want to remain friends and maintain your free concert hookups.

I also think he sounds like a jerk who doesn't deserve you.

Hermes

crystal wrote:

do you want to maintain your ability to get concert tickets? tee hee, how'd you guess? is it bad that normally i wouldn't want to remain "friends" w/ an ex, but in this case i kinda do only for his hookups??? i mean, i feel like he owes it to me for being such a jerk, right? i dunno, i guess that's probably not the best reason to be friends w/ someone. but i do at some point need to ask him to add 2 of my friends to the guest list for a show on friday (in vegas) and i also wanted to ask him for tickets to an LA show in december... i was kinda considering writing back like a friend (basically exactly what you said, detroit) and then throwing in the "so do you think you can add my friends to the guest list for vegas... and while we are on the topic, could you possibly add me plus 2 for the LA show? i'd really appreciate it!"

ok - I would totally leverage his shittyness. be non-chalant like you mention above (and I kinda agree with you about not waiting)

you can either call it out (his shittyness) and have an awkward break up conversation and agree to be friends, or just take it that you are not dating without discussion and only interact with him like you would any friend - I think the latter will give you better leverage for getting tickets - be super nice and take advantage of his guilt - be creative and have fun with your paybacks

thing is that he will eventually come sniffing back around for a piece of ass - dont EVER give it to him...

bumblebee · Coach

i can vouch for the 100% truth of detroit's statements.

and wear the boots, lady.

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

just take it that you are not dating without discussion and only interact with him like you would any friend - I think the latter will give you better leverage for getting tickets - be super nice and take advantage of his guilt - be creative and have fun with your paybacks thing is that he will eventually come sniffing back around for a piece of ass - dont EVER give it to him...

I agree with this 100%. He definitely will be trying to hook up again in the future, but, don't do it! The second you do, he'll be gone again & so will the free tickets! Why can't guys just be normal anyway - and from personal experience, band members are the worst!

crystal · Kate Spade

thank you ladies so much for your help! i emailed him so now i just gotta sit & wait... nah, not really, i mean we ARE just friends now so who cares when he writes back!

so as for him trying to hook up w/ me in the future, let's say thursday when i see him at the show & i'm looking smoking hot in my boots (thanks bumblebee!) , what if i were to be like "look, just days ago you were treating me like a friend & not someon you were dating and now you want to hook up... are you trying to be friends w/ benefits? because if so, that ain't gonna happen! however, if you want to have/continue a relationship, then you've got to make it clear to me." or something like that, this was on the fly so not my best work... or should i just completely shoot him down? because deep down i think i do like him and would like to be in a relationship if he owns up to his retardedness, so i don't want to shoot him down if there is a chance that he will be like "oh, crystal, i'm such an idiot... of course i want a relationship w/ you! you are my soulmate...." haha, j/k!

bumblebee · Coach

you've gotta play it cool when you see him on thursday. just be friendly and normal, but if he tries to act like all cuddly, move away from him (go to bathroom, get a new drink, whatever) and don't start a conversation about it. don't be cold, but just be unattainable. if he wants to re-kindle a real relationship, he'll figure it out. but if he's just wanting to hook up, don't give him the satisfaction.

Hermes

bumblebee wrote:

you've gotta play it cool when you see him on thursday. just be friendly and normal, but if he tries to act like all cuddly, move away from him (go to bathroom, get a new drink, whatever) and don't start a conversation about it. don't be cold, but just be unattainable. if he wants to re-kindle a real relationship, he'll figure it out. but if he's just wanting to hook up, don't give him the satisfaction.

I ditto this! if he was really into you for you, he wouldn't have done what he did... talking about it in any way shape or form is going to take away ticket privedges - it will also end everything completely. Just be nice but indifferent...

Elle · Hermes

Man, you girls are good

!

laken1 · Hermes

I just have to say - I wish I had known you ladies when I was single! Greatest advice ever.

Good luck crystal.

NCshopper · Hermes

laken1 wrote:

I just have to say - I wish I had known you ladies when I was single! Greatest advice ever. Good luck crystal.

No kidding...how is it that I'm just NOW figuring out that all guys do come crawling back? When I was single, I had no idea they all did this...I just figured they were all so in love with me that they all realized they couldn't live without me!!!

J/K...but seriously, I think about it and they ALL did come back at one point, and I was stupid enough to hook up with ALL of them when they came back. Geez, I was a moron.

Hermes

NCshopper wrote:

laken1 wrote: I just have to say - I wish I had known you ladies when I was single! Greatest advice ever. Good luck crystal. No kidding...how is it that I'm just NOW figuring out that all guys do come crawling back? When I was single, I had no idea they all did this...I just figured they were all so in love with me that they all realized they couldn't live without me!!! J/K...but seriously, I think about it and they ALL did come back at one point, and I was stupid enough to hook up with ALL of them when they came back. Geez, I was a moron.

all I can say is, if I knew then what I know now... when I finally figured most of it out, that's when I met my husband - which is not a coincidence...

bumblebee · Coach

yeah, exactly. i've paid my dues to learn my lessons. i guess it's worth it, though. not that i am some expert--i wish i could follow my own advice sometimes!